To leave dd17 at home today as she wasn't ready for school AGAIN

[Hayesking]

I drive her and dd3 (just started in year 7) to school each day (no bus, we are rural). It takes roughly 10-20 mins depending on traffic. dd1(17) flunked her ASs and is repeating year 12. She's obsessed with her appearance, and although I respect that (she's had a few spots, she is feeling unconfident generally) and I've spent time taking her to the docs, giving her some money for new clothes, listeing to her. She has started making us late for school. Dd3 is keen to do well, very organised, currently struggling with horrible new braces but cheerful and positive. Its hard to stay sympathetic with dd1 when she stomps and screams as we are about to leave that she needs a particularly hoodie and can't find it. Today I had enough. I gave her three warnings. She didn't appear so I drove dd3 to school and went to work.

[HeartStrings]

I'd do the same. There's only so much they can take the piss before you have to be cruel to be kind. Hopefully she'll see now that you aren't pissing around and get a move on in future

[Finola1step]

Good for you. You have a responsibility to your younger dd to get her to school on time. Why should she suffer?

[Hayesking]

I think she's a bit depressed, but she's got to bloody pull herself together! She's got to get on with her work otherwise she's going to fail this year as well.

I'd be more sympathetic but she also gets quite arrogant about her appearance and makes bitchy comments about others bieng fat or frumpy or whatever. I pointed out that the girl she said that about is on for 3 As and will have the last laugh when she gets to a fab uni and does well in life. I despair.

[thecatfromjapan]

What does she do when you leave her? Does she just miss school?

The stomping around, looking for a hoodie may be her way of avoiding school without admitting to herself or you that she just doesn't want to go.

I'm guessing that repeating year 12 was a blow to her confidence, however she's trying to mask that. She'll be embarrassed (her friends now see her repeating year 12) and a bit scared (she's failed once, it felt awful, what's to stop her failing again?).

Obviously, a lot of the above is illogical: if she gets herself together, there's no reason not to do better this time; her friends probably want her to do well, as do you. But it's hard to be logical when you are a. young and b. in the middle of something.

Realistically, you have no choice but to leave her if she is going to make you all late. I'd try leaving her for a few days and if it becomes clear that that isn't working (getting her to hurry up), sit down with her and ask if she really wants to go back to school at all, what her alternatives are.

If she says she does want to go back to school, that gives you something to work with - her sense of commitment and control and ... leverage. really.

You can get her to come up with solutions (clothes out the night before, getting up earlier).

If she says she doesn't want to go back, you can look at doing A levels on-line.

You have my sympathy. It's horrible to watch them making such a disaster of things.

[specialsubject]

as one of those who did have the last laugh....my sympathy is a little limited to put it mildly.

good on you.

[thecatfromjapan]

To be fair, the appearance thing is probably ramping up precisely because she didn't do well academically.

[Hayesking]

Yes I'm sure there are reasons for it but it's a pita. She's now doing really interesting and slightly easier subjects that she has potential to do well in, but she is constantly bigging herself up without any substance, ie she's the best at a particular sport so of course she'll do better than two other girls on the PE a level course

specialsubject

[Hayesking]

It's the arrogance. I've never heard her say I need to work harder as I am not so good at memorising or whatever. It's always someone else's fault. She doesn't like the teacher, she's tired, we put too much pressure on her. I'm afraid I gave it to her both barrels. Don't like the teachers? Tough. Don't understand something? Look it up. Tired? Go to bed earlier. I've had enough!

[AprilLady4]

[GU24Mum]

I think you did the right thing. I'd not a great timekeep but improved massively with my parents when (as an adult) we were going to a wedding and they left me at the hotel as I wasn't ready to drive to the church with them.

[MrsPicklesonSmythe]

I'd do the same. I think it's important to teach teenagers responsibility for their actions or how will they learn they can't go through life blaming everyone else. YANBU.