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AIBU to confront my friend?

(62 Posts)
Corkscrewbetty Tue 26-Sep-17 09:58:30

I live in the middle of nowhere and don't have many friends locally. I made a good friend three years ago and we spent a lot of time together and really gelled. I had a baby three months ago and although she congratulated me on FB, she hasn't really spoken to me since she was born. She lives a mile or so away and hasn't been to see us, sent a card or anything. I had a traumatic birth and so people knew to stay away for the first couple of days after I got home, but they still dropped off cards and pressies and all the usual stuff. I feel really hurt that we just seem to have broken friends. She's on FB all day (part of her job) and I've tried to reach out to her a couple of times (asked her how her parents are because they're ill, commented on photos of her new dog, invited her and her husband over etc.), but I never get much back. She knows all about the ins and outs of my pregnancy and how I'm now a single mother and we really shared a lot. This is why I find it so hard to come to terms with. She also didn't come to my baby shower because 'she didn't know what one was and it wasn't her kind of thing'. I don't know whether to just let it drop and walk away from the friendship, have another go at being friends with her and carry on as if nothing has happened or have it out with her. She doesn't have any children herself and says she never wanted any. I wonder if this is something to do with it. She thinks babies are 'boring'.

Winteriscomingneedmorewood Tue 26-Sep-17 09:59:49

Maybe she lied about the reason she doesn't have dc and feels unable to be around you and the baby just now. ..

existentialmoment Tue 26-Sep-17 10:01:22

Maybe she just doesn't want to be around people with babies, for any number of reasons. What do you think "confronting" her would achieve?

Whambarsarentasfizzyastheywere Tue 26-Sep-17 10:02:03

doesn't have any children herself and says she never wanted any

I suspect it's more complicated than that.

Yvetteballs Tue 26-Sep-17 10:04:17

Just leave it now. Focus on your baby and the people who are there for you.

SloeSloeQuickQuickGin Tue 26-Sep-17 10:08:29

This sounds so confrontational ; or have it out with her. How many times do we read on this forum alone that people do not have to be friends with someone if they choose not to. We are adult, we can manage our lives. I appreciate I come across as harsh when I'm very tongue in cheek, but if someone "had it out with me" regarding how I managed my time and whether I was exhibiting the level of friendship required my response would be along the lines of "REALLY? Are you 12?"

You do do things for friends. Personally I think 'baby showers' are dreadful affairs however I would sit through one for a close friend. The fact that she didn’t shows that you place more emphasis on this friendship than she does.

Back away. Some friendships come to a natural conclusion, some revive later. People don’t move at the same speed in their lives.

schoolgaterebel Tue 26-Sep-17 10:18:03

Why don’t you just send her a message saying you really miss her friendship and were wondering if you’d upset her in some way because you notice she’s pulled away from the friendship recently. Tell her you’re confused by this, and that your door is always open if she wants to talk.

kissmethere Tue 26-Sep-17 10:24:39

Well said SloeSloe, well said...

Corkscrewbetty Tue 26-Sep-17 10:25:40

I'm not really the confrontational type. I suppose 'have it out with her' was a poor choice in wording. She doesn't have to be my friend. This is true enough. I just find it so odd that we were each other's only friends (due to where we live) and spent so much time in each other's company. I don't want a fight with her, I'd simply like to know where it all went wrong. She was going to drive me to the hospital (an hour away) but made it more than clear that she didn't really want to, so I ended up driving myself. The babyshower was organised by a group of women in their seventies who I volunteer with at an animal charity. I don't go in for that sort of thing either, but these women were kind enough to do it for me and I asked my friend to come along for moral support more than anything else. I know her parents have been very ill and this is perhaps something to do with it. Perhaps it is just best to forget about it and focus on my little girl.

littlebird77 Tue 26-Sep-17 10:36:49

We all lose some friends once we have a baby. A baby can change the dynamics in the strongest of friendships, and some just will not last.
It is nothing you have done, she may have very real reasons why she can't face it (and her behaviour seems really extreme)

Try not to take it personally, this is a problem with her.

Make some new mummy friends, and the women that organised your baby shower sound fantastic. You need to move on past this friendship and put it on the back burner for a bit. I would stop contacting her for a bit, it is giving her a reason not to contact you. She is either going to step up at some point, or she won't. Either way things won't be the same again anyway.

If you feel that bad, send her a card, tell her you miss her friendship and and feel she has become distant from you. Wish her well in the card, and tell her your door is open. By doing this it creates closure for you, and she can either respond or not. Either way please just enjoy your baby, she grow so fast, don't waste it with other people's dramas.

NerrSnerr Tue 26-Sep-17 11:18:50

Have you invited her round or out for lunch or coffee? Maybe she thinks now you have a baby you're too busy?

sparechange Tue 26-Sep-17 11:25:26

It sounds like it was a forced friendship based on you both having no one else locally, rather than loads of common interests.

So what was already fairly shaky grounds for friendship has become thinner still, and she wants out.

And either her reasons to you as to why she hasn’t got children aren’t entirely accurate, and it’s painful for her to be around you
Or they are accurate and it’s boring for her to be around you

Either way, it sounds like it has run its course

Corkscrewbetty Tue 26-Sep-17 11:33:55

I have invited her round. She didn't show and her husband texted me to say they forgot. The messages we have sent each other are friendly enough, but it's not the same as before. I always initiate contact and then it goes nowhere. I do feel a bit "needy", I suppose and I don't want to be that person. I had my baby using a sperm donor after ten years of trying with my ex. Things didn't work out with the ex (he didn't want children enough to do IVF) and so after two years on my own, I decided to go it alone. She was so pleased for me when I got pregnant, but then towards the end of my pregnancy, it just seemed to drop off. I can't think of anything I might have done to upset her. I should just get a grip though. My baby is the best girl imaginable. Nothing but a joy. I will focus on her. She's already three months old and it's scary how fast time is going. I think I've just been feeling a bit alone and sorry for myself! :-)

WeddingFever Tue 26-Sep-17 11:38:34

I guess she just isnt at the same place in her life as you are. It's difficult. Maybe you will reconnect later in life, maybe not. But I would never suggest confronting or even querying a freiendship. She's giving her excuses, let it go.

Corkscrewbetty Tue 26-Sep-17 11:41:05

She was a very good friend though. We did really gel. There were lots of parties, dinners, trips. We have the same sense of humour and interests. We even worked together during the days at each other's houses (both freelance) because we got on so well and helped each other out. I don't think it was a shallow relationship. Anyway, it probably has run it's course and I'll just have to put my big girl pants on and get on with it.

thecatsthecats Tue 26-Sep-17 11:41:56

Being a selfish person who hates forced rituals and hanging out with strangers who will just ask me 'where do you work? where do you live' etc and coo over baby clothes, that baby shower sounds like my idea of hell.

Heck, one I helped throw with my best friends was just bearable, and that had booze. If she really doesn't like babies (and there doesn't have to be some profound loss behind that - it perfectly legitimate for her simply not to like them), then she'd probably be miserable there and have a hard time not showing it.

(I actually get on really well with babies and kids, I just can't stand cutesiness and fuss about it.)

gandalf456 Tue 26-Sep-17 11:49:59

You don't sound confrontational or 12 !!!!(I wish people would not minimise friendship problems or be bitchy about them ). You do sound vulnerable and a bit isolated, though. Perhaps you have relied on her more than you might have done, had your circumstances been different and it's freaked her out. But part of your post makes her soind not v nice. You don't forget an arrangement with a friend and you make an effort with stuff that's not your thing!

VladmirsPoutine Tue 26-Sep-17 12:00:26

I honestly think you need to walk away. The demise of any relationship is never a fun occasion but at some point you need to draw the line and accept that you will never have answers, or indeed answers that satisfy your questions, but that's just life.

FrogFairy Tue 26-Sep-17 12:17:14

Perhaps there is a reason why she was unable to have children, or maybe she genuinely did not want them. If she does not like children, perhaps she wants to avoid being called on for help/support with your baby. She may also want to avoid having a child visiting her home leaving sticky finger prints and grabbing at ornaments or bothering her pets.

I would let the friendship go and make new friends.

Motoko Tue 26-Sep-17 12:24:44

I think it's quite telling that it was her husband, not her, who texted you when they were supposed to come and visit you. She didn't want to speak to you.

I think you need to stop contacting her, she obviously doesn't want to carry on the friendship for whatever reason. It's sad for you, but there's nothing else you can do.

Join some baby groups, you might make some new friends there.

Corkscrewbetty Tue 26-Sep-17 12:27:47

I could probably do with making some new friends. I live in rural France and work as a translator from home, so it is a little difficult at times. My little star child will be starting crèche next year. I have already got involved with some volunteering down there and the other mums seem great. We will start going to baby massage groups and sing-a-long groups and all the rest of it soon. I'll hopefully meet people there too. I'll leave it alone and try my best to get over it. It has upset me very much, but I don't think talking to her about it would achieve much. It would just make it awkward if I bump into her. It'll all be alright! :-)

converseandjeans Tue 26-Sep-17 12:35:00

She sounds a bit flaky tbh. Surely she could come over on her own once the baby is in bed - that sort of thing - rather than going out.
I agree with others who say you need to forget her and move on. Having a baby is a great time to make new friends. Try and pluck up the courage to go to some baby groups. Also if you are freelance and single then presumably you can live anywhere you like. Is there any possibility of moving somewhere that is more lively - so with toddler groups, swimming pool, some cafes than kind of thing. If you could walk out the front door and have stuff happening then you would make loads more mates. You might have to live somewhere smaller/less nice but it could be worth the trade off.
Just ignore her & don't bother messaging her again.

converseandjeans Tue 26-Sep-17 12:37:08

Oh just saw rural France - there is never anything happening in rural France smile
Maybe on top of the translating you could get some other work to get you out the house (once DD starts nursery)
You could organise a little gathering at your place for the other new Mums - coffee, some pastries that kind of thing??

ZenHeadbutt Tue 26-Sep-17 12:47:51

OP,
Maybe you are reading too much into it and it's just that she finds babies a bit boring 😂 I've had four kids myself but I still find new mums and new babies really dull.... sorry. I didn't mind my own babies but I don't enjoy hanging out with other people's. I'd be polite but I'd be secretly trying to avoid meeting up too. As well as not much liking babies I also find a lot of new Mums dull too. .... I'm sure I was. New mums (and Dads) are often really into their kids 😳 - Which is 100% a GOOD thing but it's boring.

You mention that she knows 'all the ins and outs of your pregnancy' which MAY suggest that she might think you will tell her
'all the ins and outs of your new baby' IYSWIM

In other words, it may not be you and it may not be personal.

Corkscrewbetty Tue 26-Sep-17 13:23:25

Hee hee! I do think my baby is the coolest little creature on the planet, but I could manage a couple of hours of not mentioning her (too much)! :-) Moving isn't a possibility because I have a million animals and a charity shop here in the village. It is a plan though in the longterm. I can't stay here forever. I will end up going insane if I do. We all think our own babies and animals are really interesting, but I've come to realise that there's nothing worse than listening to other people's stories (I've been stuck in the shop on many occasion talking about their dogs' bowel movements), so I do try not to go on about it. I can't stick listening people's birth stories (it always seems to be one upmanship), so I only told people who really wanted to know (family). :-)

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