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To still be cross about my mums behaviour at my wedding?

(94 Posts)
ProverbialOuthouse Tue 26-Sep-17 07:53:31

I was due to get married at 4pm. My maid of honour had stayed at the venue with me the night before so morning if the wedding we had a lovely breakfast, a nice spa bath etc and then MIL and SIL arrived around 11am. The drinks got opened, photos started getting taken and basically the party started. We had our own mini lodge so had plenty of room for all this. Hairdresser arrived, me, maid of honour and SIL got our hair done - my own sister (another bridesmaid) nowhere to be seen.

Around 2pm I started to get my dress on - no sign of my mother or sister. MIL asked where she was to which maid of honour sheepishly said "not here yet". MIL shook her head and then gave me a hug and tried to keep a front on.

3pm more family members started to arrive. No sign of my mother. By now the "pre-party" was starting to wind down and it was all about getting ready for the ceremony.

3.30 my mother turned up, came to the lodge and said "sorry we're late, we went to go and view a flat with your sister - hey it's a lovely flat you should see it!" I wanted to shout "I don't give a fuck about that right now!!" But didn't. She then said they'd also gone to have a look around a local garden centre before hand too. Sister refused to have her hair done by our hairdresser and my mum backed her up saying she didn't need it doing as she'd been to hairdressers earlier that week. She at least put the bridesmaid dress on (reluctantly) but wore no make up and quite frankly looked a fucking mess.

As soon as they got there my mum said "right we're going to go and get sat down, see you in a bit."

My mother in law had been with me all day yet my mother couldn't bring herself to stay with me for 10 minutes before the ceremony???

To top it off they left the reception early as they were "tired" and sister took off the bridesmaid dress immediately after the ceremony and sat there with a face like a slapped arse throughout the reception.

The next day my mum said the wedding was nice but "it was a bit of a long day for everyone wasn't it?" 😲 I snapped "no! It was my wedding day!" She backtracked and said "oh yes I know, it was lovely, we really enjoyed it". A long day??? My mil had been there since fucking breakfast and didn't think of it as a "long day".

My mum later commented that MIL had been "off" with her throughout the wedding. Yes she probably was - because she was fucking fuming about her behaviour.

This was a year and a half ago but I'm still hurt by it all. I wasn't a bridezilla and the wedding was a cheap, low level affair in a country pub. AIBU to think she made no fucking effort whatsoever? Who goes viewing flats and looking around garden shops an hour before their kid's wedding??

Mrsemcgregor Tue 26-Sep-17 07:56:24

flowers yanbu. She definitely could have and should have made more effort.

Mrsemcgregor Tue 26-Sep-17 07:56:58

Also your Mil sounds lovely.

shooeghMcFee Tue 26-Sep-17 07:58:23

You poor thing - your mum was thoughtless. Do you think she did it on purpose? Your sister was no better either.

LazyDailyMailJournos Tue 26-Sep-17 07:58:31

YANBU and YABU...

YANBU to be a bit upset about your Mum not being a bit more visible. I agree that going to view a flat and traipsing round the garden centre an hour before your DD's wedding is a bit odd. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect your Mum to spend some time with you on your wedding day as you get ready etc.

However YABU to still be dwelling on it 18 months later - and I say that in the nicest and gentlest way possible.

I know you were upset and I know it stings (my own DM pretty much wrecked my wedding), but you need to chalk this up and move on. Enjoy being married - don't let the behaviour of a couple of people spoil your memories of the day and don't let it sit and fester all these months.

Neolara Tue 26-Sep-17 07:58:42

That's pretty rubbish. Sorry. I think most people would realise that they should go along with their dd's wishes on their wedding day.

Groovee Tue 26-Sep-17 07:59:29

It's sad when your own mum couldn't be arsed to make sure she was there for you. But your MIL was there and that says a lot for her.

YANBU to still feel this way.

wobblywonderwoman Tue 26-Sep-17 08:00:27

You know op - similar happened to me. I think we are just unlucky.

Learn from it. I grew very distant from mine. Eight years on.. It never repaired

WindyScales Tue 26-Sep-17 08:00:42

Sorry about your mum and sisters terrible behaviour. You are lucky to have such a nice mil.

FakePlasticTeaLeaves Tue 26-Sep-17 08:01:34

That is awful. She must know it's not right to view a flat with your sister the same day, what a fucking weird thing to do. And your sister sounds like a twat too.

Sorry this happened OP, I would struggle to forgive/get over this unless I got some recognition from them that they acted like bastards. Pleased for you your MIL was on side

ProverbialOuthouse Tue 26-Sep-17 08:02:47

I suppose the reason I'm still dwelling on it is because it's just an example of her behaviour towards me. Even now she never, ever rings me, shows no interest in anything I do and goes in a mood with me if I succeed with anything. She says really thoughtless shit like "I hope your sister doesn't get affected by the NHS shortages, hopefully it's just the nurses it will effect" I'm a fucking nurse!!!!

rizlett Tue 26-Sep-17 08:03:37

Perhaps your mum felt left out because all your in-laws were there already. Maybe she just wanted some time with you without them. Perhaps she feels she is not as important to you as they are?

Reppin Tue 26-Sep-17 08:04:34

She doesn't sound very excited by the whole thing, some people aren't. But if it upsets you it upsets you. I do think that over a year later you should be over it though, it only hurts you in the long run.

ProverbialOuthouse Tue 26-Sep-17 08:05:26

She had every opportunity to be there. I had even offered them a room for the night before. They refused as they were "tired". They were also the only immediate family members who refused the offer of a room on the night of the wedding as they "needed to get back".

MaitlandGirl Tue 26-Sep-17 08:05:54

The morning of my first wedding my mum was in a total panic and popped to M&S to buy some new tights! Left me with my dad and bridesmaid while I got ready. She'd pretty organised the whole thing though (in 6 weeks) and fully admitted she needed an hour to herself as she was working shifts at the time and was exhausted.

The inlaws turned up for the ceremony, stayed for the meal then went home sad

Discotits Tue 26-Sep-17 08:06:10

They both sound really odd, would there be any point telling her how it made you feel? I mean, I can’t imagine they’d ‘get it’as such.
I had a relative be slapped arse at my wedding, I was hurt at the time, for quite a long time in fact, but I got over it and it almost became an amusing anecdote.

ElfrideSwancourt Tue 26-Sep-17 08:07:14

My mum was similarly awful at our wedding- but I knew she would be so was slightly emotionally prepared but it hurt, and still hurts over 20 years later.
YADNBU; I don't have any tips on how to move on because I've struggled to. I'm very LC now though.

cluelesscinders Tue 26-Sep-17 08:08:48

Deliberately horrible behaviour designed to upset you.

I take I they have form for this sort of crap?

I would minimise contact with them and try to forget it. Otherwise - the bitches win!

highinthesky Tue 26-Sep-17 08:08:52

I suppose the reason I'm still dwelling on it is because it's just an example of her behaviour towards me.

Of course it is, it's the cherry on a very high cake. Is your DM going to change? DS? You? So let them know how you feel, and why. Just state the facts and leave it at that. I bet they don't have a clue!

Then just accept that you'll never be their priority and get on with living your own life. As pp said, you're lucky with your MIL.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday Tue 26-Sep-17 08:10:01

flowers your mum sounds awful.

BASTARDdryer Tue 26-Sep-17 08:13:08

It sounds like they were avoiding you/the wedding.

Was there a reason for them to be against it for some reason, or is this a longstanding dynamic (judging from your follow up posts)?

I totally agree that this was very hurtful behaviour. They basically opted out didn't they? What do you think this was about?

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday Tue 26-Sep-17 08:13:58

And I agree with HigjInTheSky. She will never change.

My mum was the same to us, it is so hurtful, I'm 51 and still feel angry about things she did to me.
My sister and I had a saying "She never fails to disappoint". It helped manage our expectations hmm.

aaaaargghhhhelpme Tue 26-Sep-17 08:14:57

Oh so sorry op. She sounds shit. And the nurses comment just backs it up

I take it you're not very close? If she doesn't ring you. Don't ring her. Stop making the effort. She doesn't deserve you

My mum would have been up at 5am to help me get ready for my wedding! (And my brothers too - there's no favouritism!) and I can't imagine being so disinterested in my children's big days.

Maybe you're dwelling as you're wondering where this will all go. Will it ever end. Will she ever be bothered. But I agree with others. It's not healthy. It won't help you. That's why I think you should just slowly ease yourself out. Don't let her take up any of your headspace

You've got an awesome mil though. She's got your back flowers

CookieDoughKid Tue 26-Sep-17 08:16:07

Don't dwell on it and reset your expectations next time to the minimum. My parents said they were unlikely to turn up on time at my wedding and would sit at the backhmm. They didn't want to stay the night either and preferred to go home early. But at least they had the decency to mention it. Weddings are not for everyone even if it's your own child. People have different standards so expect less. Doesn't mean your mum loves you any less. She's just a lot more selfish. That's all!

CookieDoughKid Tue 26-Sep-17 08:17:20

There are so many mums that let their kids down. I'm afraid there are no rule books on being a mum.

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