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To cut a friend out of my life?

(49 Posts)
woofsaysthecat Mon 25-Sep-17 01:43:03

Met at uni, very full on when we were in Halls.

Both moved away. She got married, I missed it because I had emergency surgery two days before. She was pissed- we got

She got pregnant and from then on it just went from bad to worse. She had the baby and I found out via Facebook. I went over to see her after she passively aggressively mentioned I should probably show my face.

Her DH was so rude- 1.5 hours drive and no offer of tea, that’s fine. I was there probably 2 hours and was only there that long because every time I tried to leave she kept talking. He didn’t leave the room it was just very awkward.

Months pass and we agree to try again I apparently was too wrapped in my own life to understand how hard it was to have a baby and be pregnant.. fine.

I had a cancer scare this year- related to pregnancy and needed chemotherapy, I got a photo of her baby every day despite it being so bloody hard to deal with that I had lost mine and had developed cancer. This was so painful it’s unreal

I was meant to see her recently and I couldn’t make it. I had to drive to her again as she couldn’t meet half way with a baby or come to me. I understand her being upset but the last thing we spoke about was just her being passive aggressive again about how much of a shitty friend I was. We haven’t spoken since August. And I’m not sure if I want to retry.

I feel sad we’re not talking but also the more I think about it the more I feel like we just weren’t meant to be friends for this long?

highonpanic Mon 25-Sep-17 01:45:27

I can't see any reason for this person still being a part of your life. Cut the ties and move on.

woofsaysthecat Mon 25-Sep-17 01:46:37

@highonpanic thank you. Even as I was reading it to myself I couldn’t see a reason to stay friends

R2G Mon 25-Sep-17 01:46:39

Is there anything left for you to try?

woofsaysthecat Mon 25-Sep-17 01:48:01

@R2G I’m not sure. I think a real friend would have kept their baby photos and videos to them self? I was just so hurt.

I remember our friendship before and I miss it. However she has changed now beyond recognition

paxillin Mon 25-Sep-17 01:50:23

She is not a friend, just someone you used to know. Drop her, look after your real friends.

NikiBabe Mon 25-Sep-17 01:57:48

She got married, I missed it because I had emergency surgery two days before. She was pissed

IF that was all you had said, I would have told you to cut her out.

She is no friend.

BulletFox Mon 25-Sep-17 02:03:25

Do cut her out - I know it hurts a bit at first but life moves on

JWrecks Mon 25-Sep-17 02:11:26

Wait. She was angry at you for... missing her wedding because of life-saving surgery? Yet she understands that it's difficult for her to even meet you halfway with a baby?

Tell her that she is a selfish, thoughtless arsehole with no empathy at all, and you don't need the stress of having her in your life!

Mummyoflittledragon Mon 25-Sep-17 02:11:31

Bad woof how dare you have surgery followed by losing your baby and getting cancer. I got married and you didn't bother to come. I have a baby and you don't coo over her constantly. You are so bad. Bad bad bad.

She sounds about 6. Get rid.

HerRoyalChocolateBunny Mon 25-Sep-17 02:13:53

Drop the dead donkey.

strawberrisc Mon 25-Sep-17 02:19:06

She sounds like a self-absorbed, Grade A dipshit and you sound lovely for even trying to justify it.

KingIrving Mon 25-Sep-17 02:20:53

There is a big difference between friendship and the memory of friendship. You sed to be friends. Nice. You are no longer receiving any pleasure and wellbeing from this person, she is no longer your friends.

Life delivers hard times and shit from time to time which you can't control and must deal with at the best of your ability. I am talking about illnesses, serious stuff. Lunatic friends, you can control and send them packing if it makes you feel good to speak up and just take the simple route and without many words, state your lives have drifted apart. Best of luck, I wish you well.

AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley Mon 25-Sep-17 02:21:09

You don't need to preserve the memories of this friendship...

You need to preserve you.

Fluffypinkpyjamas Mon 25-Sep-17 02:37:06

Ditch. She is not your friend. She's just somebody that you used to know Gotye

spermbrows Mon 25-Sep-17 02:43:35

Cut her out. She sounds awful. Sorry about everything you've been through OP. She was incredibly insensitive and hurtful. flowers

Alltheprettydoggies Mon 25-Sep-17 03:19:29

I'm really glad you said this before I did


And op? She's a total jerk, you can do better in the friend dept.

TammySwansonTwo Mon 25-Sep-17 05:58:22

So sorry you've had to deal with all that - cancer is obviously an horrific disease as it is, but molar pregnancies are so cruel (I'm assuming that's what it was). I hope you're okay now, physically at least? I'm sure you're still struggling emotionally. Lots of hugs x

I must admit that most of my friends who don't have children have basically vanished since I had my twins - they don't really grasp what it's like, that's true. However, I've been extremely careful to be gentle with those who have fertility problems of various kinds or have lost babies and I certainly wouldn't be sending them photos all the time unless they asked for them. I have one friend who had multiple failed IVFs and always wants to know how they're doing, whereas others struggle too much and I am more careful with them as I don't want to be another source of pain to them.

I know from experience that when you're really struggling during pregnancy and when your baby is born, having supposedly close friends go awol can be really hurtful. It would be completely different though if the friend had been through such an horrendous experience relating to pregnancy.

I think you have to ask yourself what you're getting out of this friendship - if there's anything positive remaining for you then by all means give it another try. I would lay it all out for her though - you still want to be friends but you've found x and y painful, you'd like to try and get back to being as close as you were etc. If you're getting nothing from it besides nostalgia, I'd stop bothering.

mehimthem Mon 25-Sep-17 06:35:40

hi woofsays - this friend sounds hard work & maybe it would be kinder to yourself to remember your Uni days fondly & back away from this now. Your lives sound like they have moved apart & you both want/need different stuff now from when you were younger. I remember a friend of mine from my Uni days telling me about a Reason, Season Lifetime friend poem - which I've googled for a link here, but just maybe its time to let go & not feel guilty. Best wishes.

woofsaysthecat Mon 25-Sep-17 15:10:33

@TammySwansonTwo it was amolar pregnancy yes sad it was awful.

Thank you all.

troodiedoo Mon 25-Sep-17 15:15:08

She's a selfish nasty woman. You deserve nice friends, don't waste any more time or effort on her.

It's so weird how we'll end a relationship with not too much bother but continue with friendships long past their sell by date. Life's too short.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers Mon 25-Sep-17 15:22:15

Ditch her, she sounds awful. And I'm sorry to hear about your cancer and pregnancy loss flowers

redexpat Mon 25-Sep-17 15:28:14

She is not a friend and hasnt been since you left uni.

ittakes2 Mon 25-Sep-17 16:39:22

I would have distanced myself from her after she couldn't accept you missed the wedding due to surgery.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 25-Sep-17 16:44:21

She sounds bloody awful op, self obsessed and selfish and nasty. I would have given up when she was pissed off that you could not go to her wedding because of major surgery. Life is too short for that kind of crap. Cut her off asap.

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