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To think this is shit. If you're a happy mum... how?

(199 Posts)
upsidedown2017 Mon 25-Sep-17 01:25:17

I don't know what my expectations of parenthood were but I am absolutely sick to death of it and want to switch the off button. I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

Constant sickness Sept - April.

Sleepless nights continuously for the past 2 years. Daily 5am wake ups every single day of my life.

Have aged dramatically within 5 years and gone from being reasonably attractive and put together to a haggard mess.

No holiday or weekend day out has been remotely enjoyable.

Whinging, whining, constant demands.

House is a pig sty. Endless endless housework and food prep.

No money.

Husband no longer finds me attractive & marriage essentially over.

I asked the GP for antidepressants and he said no for now, wait until youngest is at nursery, things might settle down etc.

Where do I go from here? I feel like walking off a cliff or running away.

If you are a happy mum in a happy marriage please explain how the hell. Our family life is absolutely shit. I assume other mothers face the same as what I've described above so how do you remain happy and positive?? I just don't see how!

abbsisspartacus Mon 25-Sep-17 01:37:58

Ignore the housework spend time with your kids having fun somewhere

Tell husband to pitch in

Go back to the doctors you need the help now not later

abbsisspartacus Mon 25-Sep-17 01:39:59

I've currently got my youngest in my bed it makes him happy it's less stressful on him and he sleeps it's little things that makes a happy home

BeerBaby Mon 25-Sep-17 01:45:17

Agree with above. Every one needs a break! Hand the kids over to someone. A grandparent, friend or pay for nursery. Stop trying to be everything and do everything. Lower your housework standards. Have easy meals a few nights a week.

Give DC to you dh and go and get your hair cut. Go clothes shopping. You have to do something for you otherwise you drown in it all!

Get another GP opinion. You could do with some help to get you through the hard bits.

Get out the house. Go to groups, the park, for walks etc.

R2G Mon 25-Sep-17 01:48:31

Keep talking x no you're not the only one, but not every day or all day. Change doctors.

NumberEight Mon 25-Sep-17 01:52:35

Following as I often feel the same as you op!

oldlaundbooth Mon 25-Sep-17 01:58:24

Lower your expectations.
Kids in bed early.
Have kids run around the park all day so they sleep.
Big pan of lentil and veg soup, give them a bowl per day, there's your five a day insurance.

What else?

The odd bath and lots of cuddles. You don't need to do too much, wellies and buckets are what they like.

JWrecks Mon 25-Sep-17 02:03:58

Why haven't you had one single lie in? What is your DH doing to help? Who the hell does he think he is finding your nurturing and nourishing body - a body that has created and sustained life on its own - unattractive? If he wants you to lose weight or look better or whatever selfish nonsense, then he'd better fucking facilitate that and take some of your responsibilities for an hour or so, so that you can have time!

I'm sorry. flowers Sounds like you're having an awful time. Yes, parenthood is mental and brutal and awful and every single one of us has days when we regret ever even considering children and days when we genuinely feel like we hate the whole bloody thing. But no, it isn't every single day, and no it shouldn't be 100% full on with no breaks. That's what two parents is for, and it sounds to me like your "d"H isn't pulling his weight.

Thataintnoetchasketch Mon 25-Sep-17 02:04:19

The monotony of it and some days the overwhelming feeling of going round in circles and never achieving anything gets me down but then DS will do something that completely surprises me and gives me a bit of confidence we're doing something right.

For me the highs are highs and the lows are low but if your feeling awful all of the time I'd go back and see the gp again. Could you speak to health visitor even?

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 Mon 25-Sep-17 02:04:25

Knew before I got into it they'd be poorly for at least 25% of the time until age 5. Part time childcare from 12 months. Full time child care from 18 months. Agreed with DH that I refuse to do any more than 50% child care (ie drop off, pick ups, weekend activities) ever. Also did every other night (taking turns sleeping in different room), should have started that much earlier. Got DH to do all toiletry-, food-, and shoe shopping/planning + washing whereas I do all clothes, washing up, and folding/putting away laundry.
Still got on antidepressants when DC2 was around 2. Still with DH by the skin of our teeth.
Not sure how anyone does this and stays sane tbh. You are not alone OP. confused sad wine

Writerwannabe83 Mon 25-Sep-17 02:04:40

When I just had DS1I stayed sane because three days a week I went out to work and wasn't 'mommy' and having that space from home really helped. My DH was also very hands on with DS1 and admittedly most of the cleaning fell to me but DH had his own role to play in the household. I always felt things were 50/50. I also made sure I saw my friends regularly without DS being with me: nights in, trips to the cinema, means our etc, again so I could have a break from being mommy.

DS2 is now on the scene and is only 5 weeks old. Life has certainly got much more stressful and tiring. I'm prepared for a tough Maternity as I'm not suited to being at home. I'm sure when I return to work (at 10 months) I will resume being a happy mom. DS1 is currently in pre-school three days a week so having that break from my whirlwind of a 3 year old helps.

When does your youngest start nursery? I still can't believe your GP was so dismissive though, that's really quite shocking and I'm sorry he didn't seem to take you seriously. Definitely go and see another GP flowers

JWrecks Mon 25-Sep-17 02:05:21

And every word of this:

Ignore the housework spend time with your kids having fun somewhere

Tell husband to pitch in

Go back to the doctors you need the help now not later

KingIrving Mon 25-Sep-17 02:12:59

Being a parent is hard work, even for the happy parent. Enjoy the kids in your bed, mine won't sleep with me anymore and nothing is as sweet as a sleeping child next to you.
The time they wake up in the morning depends on how soon you put them to bed. After years in France, Italy and Spain I was shocked at how early people eat and put kids to bed in UK/Australia. So contrary to the PP I am saying, push slowly the clock to put them to bed later.
But you are not telling us how young your DC are.

Pregnancy and sleepless nights affects our looks and this is handwork too. So, save enough for a nice hairdresser and cut the crap in your kitchen to lose any excess weight. Go for long walks (harder now that weather is turning to winter).

Lower your expectations on your house and holidays. Houses are messy when there are kids around and select hotels with a kids club so you can have two hours of "couple time"

strawberrisc Mon 25-Sep-17 02:16:49

You sound so unhappy :-(

It seems you've got nothing to lose so could you try being REALLY assertive? E.g 5am is NOT time to get up. When dc whines you spin around and go home. Relinquish privileges/toys. Don't respond to any whinging.

I'm a single Mum and no oil painting but I made a rule to get up, get showered and put a little make-up on every day even when I felt like I was dying inside. I also made sure I had a little quiet time - even if it was only one earphone in to my chilled music when cooking.

And I agree - go back to the doctor if you genuinely feel so bad x

marymoosmum Mon 25-Sep-17 02:28:58

Go see a different doctor. The age of the child shouldn't matter, my doctor offer3d me some with my first when she was only a few months old. I am so much happier with my second. Not that it is easy.

Reppin Mon 25-Sep-17 02:34:19

How much does your DH do? Kids can be absolute bastards, but it sounds like there is more to it than that. Is it your DH that makes you the most miserable?

Want2bSupermum Mon 25-Sep-17 02:45:13

I've had a tough weekend with my eldest pushing me all weekend. I'm on MN right now just calming down. DH did the lions share of the housework this weekend because I am exhausted.

You need some time for you. I find that when sleeping is messed up everything gets screwed up and you have to reset schedules. For my DC to get them sleeping well they need to be fed properly. If fed on a schedule they tend to fall asleep on schedule and sleep better. If the kids can be in bed for 7pm I think you might find you have time to put a boot up your OHs behind. He needs to help out a lot more with the housework.

I echo the other comments to get yourself back to the doctor.

KitKat1985 Mon 25-Sep-17 02:48:58

It is fucking hard and tiring and I think most Mums feel the same. I just focus on the fact that it's only temporary.

It does sound like you need more support though. Do you have a DH/P who can help out more? And I agree with going back to a different GP and explaining how desperate you feel. flowers

Argeles Mon 25-Sep-17 02:50:54

Some days, and hours of the day have felt similar to me.

The ceaseless list of things to do around the house, and my DH's attitude and expectations frequently have a real impact on how I feel, and this is before I add caring for, and entertaining my 2.7 year old DD to the mix (which I love, but dealing with toddler behaviour is deeply draining).

I have done every single night feed, and have solely cared for my DD at night during teething, illness and nappy changes, as my DH is deaf and would not wake if she was screaming the house down. My DD still wakes at least once per night (such as now), and wakes early in the morning. I have no support network (my parents would love to help, but are nearly 2 hours away and have other commitments too), and my DH works long hours and also spends time on his hobby at least 5 days a week which fucks me off, but he refuses to cut down. My appearance has also changed so much too - mainly my face. Looking at a photo before and after I gave birth is like looking at two different people.

I find parent and toddler groups unbearable, and they make me feel more isolated. It really helps me though to try and make sure I've put my make up on, and am washed and dressed by 10am every morning. Sometimes I have to force myself to go out, but just taking my DD to the corner shop/local shops and chatting briefly to the staff, or going for a little walk, or going out in our communal garden is really beneficial for me.

I love Autumn, and really enjoy taking my DD out to look at/talk about the changing colours and falling leaves etc. We take carrier bags, and spend ages collecting conkers and leaves etc, and she splashes in the puddles and rustles and jumps through the leaves. We then do lots of printing and painting and crayon rubbings from them at home, and will make a conker wreath or garland this year. It cheers me up to see my DD enjoying herself and when I see her artwork.

Try to grab at least 15 minutes of 'me time' every day, and try and take pleasure from little things (a lovely cup of tea and a biscuit or two, a glass of wine, reading a book or magazine, looking at/stroking cute dogs in the park, catching up on a favourite programme, a chat with a friend/family/neighbour, a bath, styling your hair differently etc).

Try and get your husband to look after your DS whilst you go out for a walk or go to the shops or for a coffee, and try and make it a regular thing. We had a dog when I was growing up, and my Mum told me that every night straight after dinner, she'd bolt out the door with him and walk for 30-45 minutes, leaving me with my Dad. She said that was her bit of sanity and normality for the day, and sometimes she'd cry with relief during the walk. I didn't understand this before I had my DD, but I really do now.

If you've tried doing similar to the things I've mentioned and they're not working for you, please, please go back to your GP. Ask to see a different GP if possible. You should not have to suffer when they have the means to assist you.

It's so hard not to think about your marriage and husband, but try your best to block it out and focus on you, and looking after yourself. This is what I have had to force myself to do, and it is very helpful for me.

I wish you all the very best flowers

theancientmarinader Mon 25-Sep-17 02:51:08

I have a husband that parents. I would fuck off to work for a three day weekend at least once a month and he had to cope. We always shared night wakings even when I was breastfeeding. He would get out of bed, collect the screamer, hand it to me, I would feed it while he snored, then I would kick him in the kidneys and he would take the fed baby and go and change it and settle it while I went back to sleep.
Our third child was brain damaged at birth and could only feed at night as her muscle tone was too high to coordinate swallowing and breathing during the day. That was fun.
Nursery. Childcare. Occasionally ft nannies if I got a six month heavyweight contract.
But essentially a co-parent is what you need. Forget about being sexually attractive. The last thing you need is to be up duffed again. grin
The biggest trap women are forced into is the lie that they are the main caregiver for anything that shits and vomits. Don't fall for that crap. And if you are unlucky enough to have saddled yourself with some twat that claims to be terrible at actual parenting, just take off for the weekend and let him work it out. Hands on learning experience. No excuses. He's an adult and he fathered them. I don't care how many there are. It's time he learned. If he can't be bothered, divorce his arse and file for joint custody. He'll have to work it out then.

It's all less traumatic by 7 or 8.

And ultimately, they move out.

Basically, get out of the house every single day and find your people.

Littlecaf Mon 25-Sep-17 02:57:23

I understand OP.

I hope to counteract what you have said by:

Strict bedtime for DCs
50% if chores to DP
Going to work
Socialising/making time for hobby

If all fails, go back to GP

Mxyzptlk Mon 25-Sep-17 03:17:40

Strict bedtime for DCs
50% of chores to DP

These are the important ones.
Also, do as little housework as possible.

If DP moans about doing 50% of chores, ask him to take a week off work so he can take full responsibility for the child, then think about what's fair.

CaptWentworth Mon 25-Sep-17 04:08:26

YANBU. You sound like Super Woman to me.

All I can say is, you are not alone. I am a glorified dairy cow. I'm sick of being pawed at, having my hair pulled. I used to think getting up at 6am for work was tough, now I can't even remember what sleeping from 11 til 6 feels like, never mind a lie in. There are times when I could just get in the car and leave.

I have PND, but I don't always feel like this. It didn't start getting any better until I got help. Medication and counselling. I would be lying if I said it was a miracle cure, but very slowly I can see life meaning more. I still have nights where I feel like shit (see above), but it does get better flowers

NerrSnerr Mon 25-Sep-17 04:32:25

In the short term I'd book a night in a travelodge or premier inn locally, leave children with husband and catch up on sleep. Then I would go back to GP, discuss division of labour with children and try and find some things you enjoy to do with children.

Pregosaurus Mon 25-Sep-17 04:36:27

Prioritise yourself.

1. Sleep train if you haven't already - don't martyr yourself to your children's sleep habits.

2. Ask for more domestic work from your husband. If this isn't going to happen for whatever reason and you can afford it, get a cleaner. Even a couple of hours a week from someone else will mean you never have to do the big chores (cleaning bathroom, mopping floors etc.).

3. You feel haggard? Bet you're not really, but maybe you haven't had time to get your hair done and buy some new clothes. Do it. Prioritise the expense. If you're feeling crap and your relationship is suffering this isn't a luxury. Without the children, however you can manage it.

4. Go out with your DH in your new clothes and haircut without the children.

5. Day to day, only tidy up once a day when the kids are in bed. Otherwise, don't worry about it. Batch cook so it doesn't feel like a constant chore. Only do one lot of laundry a week and don't let it spill into more than one day. Don't worry about the children being grubby or looking a bit scruffy - never killed anyone.

6. Try and do something every day YOU really enjoy. Hopefully sometimes that's exercise because that willl cheer you up and make you feel more positive about your body and looks? But even if it's doing a crossword make sure you do it.

Good luck!

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