To keep to my ultimatum

[Redcliff]

I have been with my DH for 15 years and we have 2 DSs - 10 and 3. DH is from Australia and has been saying for years he wants all of us to go and live there. I would rather not but can see it might be better for us as a family and he has been here for years.

About 9 months ago I said if we are going to go let's go and arranged a one day a week nursery place for the 3 yo (DH is a SAHD) but despite this the house is nowhere near ready. In an attempt to get things moving several weeks ago I said if the place isn't on the market by the end of September I'm not going. We have just agreed to push it back by 2 weeks but despite the 3 yo now going to nursery 3 hours every day I still can't see it happening.

So AIBU to say that's it - end of Australia plan if deadline is not reached? I've been is a new job for 6 months and really like it and there are some good opportunities there (when I pushing the plan I was stuck in a crappy job so this may be influencing my thinking)

[Birdsgottafly]

What is his explanation for it not being done?

Does your ten year old know about the plans, surely it isn't fair to chop and change like this?

[SweetLuck]

Does he know you're serious about the ultimatum?

[DameFanny]

Yanbu. If he can't be bothered to sort the house out when you've created all the opportunity he needs, this is not the sort of drive and ambition that's going to get you half way around the world. A move like that you need to be able to depend on each other, he's showing you that you can't. Stay with your good job and local support network.

[Migraleve]

Well you obviously don't want to go so I would say dont go!

[ForFuckSake99]

No point in having an ultimatum, or issuing a threat, unless you are willing to carry it out

[Fishface77]

Do you really want to go op?
Leave aside DH feelings.
What do you really want?

[Redcliff]

Good point about the ten year old - he does know about the plan but not sure how he would feel about us going. I think he knows I'm serious about it. As to why its not sorted - I think he finds everything takes longer than he thinks and he struggles to motive himself which is why I gave him the ultimatum in the first place.

[Redcliff]

Good point about the ten year old - he does know about the plan but not sure how he would feel about us going. I think he knows I'm serious about it. As to why its not sorted - I think he finds everything takes longer than he thinks and he struggles to motive himself which is why I gave him the ultimatum in the first place.

[peachgreen]

I wouldn’t go with a child of 10. Massive life change at a tricky age.

[hambo]

My dh is also from over there, and we used to have the same conversation which was exhausting. I told him I would move, but he had to do the hard stuff, ie find himself a job and us a new house. It turned out that he didn't want to move as much as he said and has now accepted that we are in the UK due to him, not due to me holding him back.

[Redcliff]

Peach - I would really need us to go before secondary school starts but be really interested why not at 10 if your not talking school?

[Redcliff]

Ham - I wonder if that will happen here as well?

[peachgreen]

I moved between primary school and secondary school and it completely messed me up for years and years. I was badly bullied because I was different. I didn’t understand the social rules of the new culture I was in, I had no shared references or experiences. It was horrendous. DH went through exactly the same thing at the same age and had a similar experience. The ramifications for my mental health as an older teenager (and even as an adult) were pretty huge.

People think kids that age are resilient and can deal with anything but in my experience it’s quite the opposite.

[Maelstrop]

Kids don't start secondary until a year later in Oz.

[Horsemad]

Aside from the usual ramifications of a massive upheaval, I think if you go and it doesn't work out out there, you wouldn't be able to leave with the children if your DH didn't agree, so be very careful.

[Redcliff]

Peach - sorry to hear that and thanks for sharing your story. Given me some pause for thought.

[SandyY2K]

Ultimatums can be perceived as somewhat controlling.

Just discuss the logistics and the need to not dither about it.

[Redcliff]

Strope - I just asked my husband and he confirmed what you said. How he didn't think to mention this to me I don't know. However I wouldn't want DS1 to start secondary school here to just move after a few months so I guess it doesn't impact the time line that much but thanks for the heads up.

[VanellopeVonSchweetz99]

I'm from a different country (in the UK for 18+ years) and DH has dual citizenship to another country. We have two kids under 10. No way I would uproot and go anywhere unless one of us had the job of their dreams waiting in that country, and a substantial pay rise. Just no way.
Get a sitter, go for a nice meal and talk it over like a grownup team. Pros and cons. Hopes and concerns. No accusations, no ultimatums. Listen to each other. Good luck!

[over40andpregnant]

Can I just caution you too
If you are not duly excited about coming don’t bring go
I am here and we were and it’s still bloody hard been this far

Also if your relationship is not solid in any way you know if you split you can’t come back if he says no?

Just things to consider

[Redcliff]

We are very solid but good point - good to think about everything.

[Redcliff]

And even though I'm not super excited wouldn't I be very selfish not to go given that he has been here for me for 15 years (he only came for 6 months and we fell in love and that was it)

[peachgreen]

No worries and thank you for listening. I post the same thing on every thread where someone is considering moving their tween / teen and usually I get roundly ignored so it’s nice to have somebody actually think about it for once!

I wouldn’t change much about my life because I’m happy with where it’s led me to, but if I could change anything it would be that. It really messed me up (like... professionally diagnosed, not just me thinking it!) I left and went back ‘home’ as soon as I could and my life changed immediately for the better.

[LatteLoverLovesLattes]

We moved when I was 9. I didn't want to go & I really missed my family & friends. We had a good life there, but I'm back here and I don't feel settled or 'at home' in either country. It's unsettling for me, always has been. However, my parents & siblings are all happily settled there. Siblings are all younger & weren't as close to grandparents, aunts & uncles & cousins.

In addition to that, you sound frustrated with your DH & not really like you want to go. He doesn't sound motivated to do anything much. I think it would be horrible if you went. I think you'd be the one doing all the hard work & feeling lonely & resentful. Then of course, you're pretty screwed because coming back is very, very difficult financially (for those who aren't loaded) & that's without you having a real fight on your hands to being DS back to the UK if your DH doesn't want you to. I think you need a very strong relationship and a lot of trust to do it.

I'd tell him that you are not going.

[JaneEyre70]

I'm sat here thinking that you've given him the green light for a major life change, but he's still sat scratching his arse. I can't help but think that if he wanted to go that desperately, your home would be pristine and on the market by now. I think you're worrying over nothing, I'd drop any ultimatums about it and see what happens to be honest.