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AIBU?

Have I been unreasonable in breaking up my family?

39 replies

Member652554 · 24/09/2017 20:37

I am reflecting on the break down of my relationship and would appreciate your input. I left because I was we were unhappy and all communication had broken down . We were constantly walking on eggshells around each other. I am wondering whether we should have carried on and tried to work things out somehow. My questions are : 1) have I been unreasonable in leaving ? 2) how long would you try for ? Months/years/decades/indefinitely? 3) for those of you have left a long term relationship/marriage with dc, what was the deciding factor? 4) for those who stayed how on earth did you deal with the unhappiness/emptiness/disappointment etc ? What did you do to work it out . Sorry to have so many questions but I can't help but think maybe I should have tried harder ..? Not sure how though

OP posts:

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greathat · 24/09/2017 20:38

couples counselling? Might need to get communicating again?

NoKidsTwoCats · 24/09/2017 21:05

If you honestly, in your heart of hearts, can't see what else you could have done to make it work, to me it seems perfectly reasonably to end the relationship. Without knowing the ins and outs, if you were unhappy and exhausted reasonable efforts to make it work, I can't see why you should stay with them?

CocoPuffsinGodMode · 24/09/2017 21:14

Well it's hard to know without more detail which obviously you're not obliged to give. Member it seems unlikely that you just woke up one day and decided "I'm not happy, I'm off" when nothing had been wrong the day before. I expect it's only natural to second guess yourself in the circumstances but I imagine you did a lot of thinking and soul searching before you came to this decision so take the pressure off yourself

TwitterQueen1 · 24/09/2017 21:20

I'll make this brief.
No. YANBU - presumably you didn't just wake up one morning and decide - just for the hell of it - that you'd leave. Clearly there were reasons...

And secondly, No. YANBU. It takes 2 to make or break a relationship.

Thirdly, No. YANBU. You stuck with it for as long as you could.

Member652554 · 24/09/2017 21:29

Thank all for your replies. In terms of details, there were no big issues in the grand scheme of things. We ran a clean little place , both worked , dc was provided for and secure . I did all the childcare and hands on parenting ( although dc still very young) but I guess what makes me second guess myself is that every day I read on here and hear in rl about couples who have been through so much : infertility, infidelity, abuse of all sorts , substance misuse, financial issues etc. Where as with us there was just no connection. I could never figure it out . We were always desperately trying to swim against the tide. As a result the relationship died both physically and emotionally. I suggested couples counselling but he declined . Do some people just ignore their unhappiness?

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silverbell64 · 24/09/2017 21:31

Maybe it was just not meant to be.

Member652554 · 24/09/2017 21:34

His method was "keep calm and carry on "

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Allthewaves · 24/09/2017 21:34

It takes two to make it work. If he didn't want counselling then not sure where you would go.

Are you happier? Do u feel a weight lifted?

silverbell64 · 24/09/2017 21:35

His method doesn't work with yours then. Two parents apart are better than two parents that don't get on.

Member652554 · 24/09/2017 21:37

twitterqueen1 Thank you :)

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NoKidsTwoCats · 24/09/2017 21:37

Imo, there are some things you can try to work through in a relationship, and some that are insurmountable. Not having any sort of connection falls into the latter category.

Member652554 · 24/09/2017 21:38

allthewaves yes definitely happier and the anger/ resentment/ disappointment that constantly plagued me has been lifted .

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Member652554 · 24/09/2017 21:38

allthewaves yes definitely happier and the anger/ resentment/ disappointment that constantly plagued me has been lifted .

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Allthewaves · 24/09/2017 21:40

Then it was the right descision.

Member652554 · 24/09/2017 21:42

silverbell64 nokids2cats . I may sounds stupid but on paper we were a great couple and he is actually a decent guy. Is there such a thing as relationship counselling for one person? Maybe to just help me understand things so that I can avoid such issues in future relationships ?

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Member652554 · 24/09/2017 21:46

Why couldn't we manage to sort things out if people can get through all sorts of bigger issues and come out at the other end ?

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randomuntrainedcuntowner · 24/09/2017 21:47

Because you didn't love each other.

randomuntrainedcuntowner · 24/09/2017 21:47

And that's ok

silverbell64 · 24/09/2017 21:48

What we are like as individuals has no bearing on what we may be like with another person. I know lots of "decent" guys but it doesn't mean I want to be with them.

Ellie56 · 24/09/2017 21:49

yes definitely happier and the anger/ resentment/ disappointment that constantly plagued me has been lifted

Well then there's your answer. The relationship was broken and you couldn't mend it.You are happier now you've walked away so it was the right decision. It would have been pointless carrying on.

And life is for living, not treading on eggshells.

Giraffey1 · 24/09/2017 21:49

I think sometimes it's hard not to feel guilty when we read here all the time of people dealing with incidents, emotional abuse, physical harm, financial shenanigans and so on. It can feel like, well none of that has happened to me, so shouldn't I just have tried harder? I think the truth is, it's more complicated than that, and just because your partner isn't beating you, cheating on you or depriving you of physical/emotional support, doesn't mean that leaving him / her isn't the right thing to do.

NoKidsTwoCats · 24/09/2017 21:49

What random said. Sometimes you can be 'perfect' on paper but if you're just not feeling it, you're probably not meant to be together. It's not necessarily indicative of an issue on your part, some people just aren't compatible.

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PurpleSweetPeas · 24/09/2017 21:52

OP, ex and me were perfect on paper. But there was zero connection. I realised I didn't love him and never would again. Don't feel guilty for doing something that makes you happier. Bringing up DCs in a dysfunctional relationship is worse than bringing them up separately. If you'd stayed, think about what you would have taught them about relationships.

Cherryn · 24/09/2017 21:58

Hi Member, you might want to have a look at CAT - cognitive analytic therapy, which is great for reflecting on the relationship patterns you get into and thinking about adjusting any patterns which have been unhelpful for you previously.

It sounds like you have made the right decision for you

Member652554 · 24/09/2017 21:59

The sad thing is : I wanted more from the relationship not less . I wanted us to do more things together. I wanted us to have a better connection, to understand each other Better, to open up more and be more authentic and vulnerable with each other . I wanted us to have common goals and dreams as a family unit and he agreed with it all. But yet we lived solitary lives under the same roof . It was odd . But I suppose leaving only widened the gap and increased the hostility and alienation .

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