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AIBU?

Ignoring pregnancy- rude?

111 replies

MamaOfTwos · 24/09/2017 17:17

So I'm pg with DC2, after a very traumatic and difficult time with DC1, who is the most happy, chilled baby going. It's a surprise pregnancy but a very happy one, we always wanted a small age gap. We've only told very close family due to previous losses. Recently spoke to SIL & told her, her and DB have been trying for a while for DC2 but she smokes, drinks and is out all the time whilst her DC1 is constantly babysat. She's ignored my texts, saw her yesterday at a family BBQ and she was chatting to me fine, but threw me a cold stare and walked off when I rubbed my stomach (completely subconscious)
I've not mentioned it to anyone but DH noticed and thought she was so rude, but I know she's supposedly 'trying' for a second and we've got pregnant easily (although we've obviously not discussed this)

We're meant to be spending Xmas with them when I'll be noticeably pregnant, not to mention family birthdays and gatherings before then, WTF am I supposed to do?!

She's been vile to me before over pretty stupid things like booking to see a pantomime & who's DC would be in the better school?! She's weirdly competitive but I'm not bothered! Any idea how to handle this?

OP posts:
user1495490253 · 24/09/2017 17:26

It sounds to me like you're being hostile with her, maybe subconsciously. she smokes, drinks and is out all the time whilst her DC1 is constantly babysat so what?? Doesn't mean her child isn't loved and happy and that she's not a good mum, nor deserving of a second child. If she's been trying for a while she'll be stressed and upset about it not working and this will feel like a kick in the teeth. If there's already tension between you, and it sounds like there is from your comments, then you rubbing your stomach around her probably felt like a dig at her, and she no doubt walked off because she was upset. Let her process her feelings. I'm sure she'll be fine with you as things progress, but if she needs to be less than super enthusiastic about your news then let her be, it can be so tough LTTTC.

MamaOfTwos · 24/09/2017 17:32

I totally get that but I've never been anything but pleasant and friendly, I judge her & DB privately for being away at least two nights a week on the piss when DC is with family and they supposedly want more. I went so far as to ask her a while ago if I'd offended her but she acted like I was nuts, when I just wanted to sort our relationship

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 24/09/2017 17:36

You shouldn't be judging her and DB at all. They parent their way, you yours. Also given all you have shared I doubt that they entirely unaware of it.

Better you just get on with your life and pay less attention them.

splendidisolation · 24/09/2017 17:37

I'm really sorry but I think you sound competitive, judgey and a little self-satisfied. Try having more empathy.

PetalMettle · 24/09/2017 17:39

WEES. Maybe she drinks and smokes because she's miserable about failing to conceive a second.
It's really hard seeing pregnant people when you want a baby.
Go ahead with Xmas but just try and be sensitive e.g. Don't talk about the new baby, go on about pregnancy tiredness etc

beCreativeInitiate · 24/09/2017 17:39

Are you 15?

Jasharps · 24/09/2017 17:39

You sound incredibly judgemental and smug. She probably didn't even notice you rubbing your stomach. You also sound weirdly competitive.

Other people's children and pregnancies, whilst lovely news, are not what everyone wants to spend all day talking about

If I was your SIL I'd probably avoid you too.

MatildaTheCat · 24/09/2017 17:41

Well clearly she is upset about your pregnancy which is understandable in the circumstances. However, it sounds as if you've never had a very close relationship, indeed, you don't actually like her much at all.

So why spend Christmas together? No need to be together for big occasions if you don't get on or there s an atmosphere. Be polite and keep your distance. Even when she gets pregnant she will still be a different type for yourself. Being related by marriage doesn't mean you have to be close.

PurpleDaisies · 24/09/2017 17:42

What do you mean "supposedly trying"?

specialsubject · 24/09/2017 17:46

Doesn't sound as if you like each other very much even if there is a baby-off.

Change plans for Christmas, months away anyway.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 24/09/2017 17:47

I don't think she's any ruder than you. Also, when people say they supposedly only privately judge people, I always think "they know!" because they do. Even if it's sub consciously, you are communicating everything to them.

andbabymakesthree · 24/09/2017 17:48

You probably show your disdain in real life unconsciously

Spikeyball · 24/09/2017 17:48

She'll know you don't like her.

MissWilmottsGhost · 24/09/2017 17:49

Other women being pregnant when you are unable to have a child of your own is heartbreaking.

Have some fucking compassion.

BackieJerkhart · 24/09/2017 17:49

You don't like her so why do you care if she acknowledges your pregnancy?

Sally52014 · 24/09/2017 17:51

To be honest it sounds like you're the issue here and not your SIL.

Gorgosparta · 24/09/2017 17:52

Its odd because people often pick up on the fact that people privately judge them. Its a vibe.

You judge her, she finds being round you difficult. You dont want to give her a break because you dont feel she is a good parent to the first.

There isnt a relationship. Just accept you will see her at joint family parties and thats it.

MamaOfTwos · 24/09/2017 17:52

Ok, I appreciate I sound horrible, I'm upset by her total snub. I used to seek her approval no end and she genuinely seems to hate me, without sounding like a child- she's the one who has an issue with me.

She has been smoking and drinking for years and I admit, it grates. She's like Peter Pan, and I don't understand it.

I've already said to DH we're making alternative Christmas arrangements, but a shame I won't see my DB

OP posts:
Caspiana · 24/09/2017 17:54

You're pregnant, she wants to be pregnant. I think you should cut her some slack.

pasturesgreen · 24/09/2017 17:54

I'm sorry but you do sound judgemental.

Re-read your post and give your head a wobble.

3EyedRaven · 24/09/2017 17:56

Well, don't worry, you can sit back and feel smug about the fact that your pg with your second, safe in the knowledge it's because you don't smoke.
Seriously

NooNooHead1981 · 24/09/2017 17:56

While I can see that you are very happy for your own circumstances, you don't show much compassion for hers. You sound quite judgemental, and aren't very empathetic for others who may find it hard to see someone who is pregnant and they are desperately trying but not succeeding.

I know how hard that is after 6 years of TTC DC2 and having no success, with an ectopic. If someone came up to me, family or otherwise, and rubbed their stomach, I'd be very upset. I wouldn't show it as outwardly as your SIL but I would be pissed off. Infertility is bloody crap and having people rub your face in their pregnancies is hurtful.

Think of others a bit more, and have some compassion.

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splendidisolation · 24/09/2017 17:58

"Ok, I appreciate I sound horrible, I'm upset by her total snub" - she went a little cool when you rubbed your pregnant belly (very heavy airquotes here l) "subconsciously". Is that a snub in your world?

"She has been smoking and drinking for years and I admit, it grates. She's like Peter Pan, and I don't understand it."
So you hate everything you dont understand? What an amazing role model for your child. For what its worth I smoke and drink and would look down on you as the kind of woman who used to be the kind of girl at university who would spend her Friday nights in watching Krufts and competitively baking millionaires shortbread while fantasising about the mock tudor semi detached she would one day hope to buy with her property developer husband.

There. Not nice being judged, is it?

MamaOfTwos · 24/09/2017 17:59

If she was serious about wanting more children, surely she'd adjust her lifestyle to make this more realistic?

I worship my DC and she doesn't seem to be bothered if she's with hers from one week to the next: I think I need to accept we're polar opposites and move on

OP posts:
BackieJerkhart · 24/09/2017 17:59

She has been smoking and drinking for years and I admit, it grates. She's like Peter Pan, and I don't understand it.

Heh?? She is an adult. Lots of adults smoke and drink. Is it something you have decided adults should "grow out of" by a certain age? Do you not drink at all?

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