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Ignoring pregnancy- rude?

(112 Posts)
MamaOfTwos Sun 24-Sep-17 17:17:43

So I'm pg with DC2, after a very traumatic and difficult time with DC1, who is the most happy, chilled baby going. It's a surprise pregnancy but a very happy one, we always wanted a small age gap. We've only told very close family due to previous losses. Recently spoke to SIL & told her, her and DB have been trying for a while for DC2 but she smokes, drinks and is out all the time whilst her DC1 is constantly babysat. She's ignored my texts, saw her yesterday at a family BBQ and she was chatting to me fine, but threw me a cold stare and walked off when I rubbed my stomach (completely subconscious)
I've not mentioned it to anyone but DH noticed and thought she was so rude, but I know she's supposedly 'trying' for a second and we've got pregnant easily (although we've obviously not discussed this)

We're meant to be spending Xmas with them when I'll be noticeably pregnant, not to mention family birthdays and gatherings before then, WTF am I supposed to do?!

She's been vile to me before over pretty stupid things like booking to see a pantomime & who's DC would be in the better school?! She's weirdly competitive but I'm not bothered! Any idea how to handle this?

user1495490253 Sun 24-Sep-17 17:26:38

It sounds to me like you're being hostile with her, maybe subconsciously. she smokes, drinks and is out all the time whilst her DC1 is constantly babysat so what?? Doesn't mean her child isn't loved and happy and that she's not a good mum, nor deserving of a second child. If she's been trying for a while she'll be stressed and upset about it not working and this will feel like a kick in the teeth. If there's already tension between you, and it sounds like there is from your comments, then you rubbing your stomach around her probably felt like a dig at her, and she no doubt walked off because she was upset. Let her process her feelings. I'm sure she'll be fine with you as things progress, but if she needs to be less than super enthusiastic about your news then let her be, it can be so tough LTTTC.

MamaOfTwos Sun 24-Sep-17 17:32:00

I totally get that but I've never been anything but pleasant and friendly, I judge her & DB privately for being away at least two nights a week on the piss when DC is with family and they supposedly want more. I went so far as to ask her a while ago if I'd offended her but she acted like I was nuts, when I just wanted to sort our relationship

MsPavlichenko Sun 24-Sep-17 17:36:46

You shouldn't be judging her and DB at all. They parent their way, you yours. Also given all you have shared I doubt that they entirely unaware of it.

Better you just get on with your life and pay less attention them.

splendidisolation Sun 24-Sep-17 17:37:17

I'm really sorry but I think you sound competitive, judgey and a little self-satisfied. Try having more empathy.

PetalMettle Sun 24-Sep-17 17:39:40

WEES. Maybe she drinks and smokes because she's miserable about failing to conceive a second.
It's really hard seeing pregnant people when you want a baby.
Go ahead with Xmas but just try and be sensitive e.g. Don't talk about the new baby, go on about pregnancy tiredness etc

beCreativeInitiate Sun 24-Sep-17 17:39:50

Are you 15?

Jasharps Sun 24-Sep-17 17:39:56

You sound incredibly judgemental and smug. She probably didn't even notice you rubbing your stomach. You also sound weirdly competitive.

Other people's children and pregnancies, whilst lovely news, are not what everyone wants to spend all day talking about

If I was your SIL I'd probably avoid you too.

MatildaTheCat Sun 24-Sep-17 17:41:38

Well clearly she is upset about your pregnancy which is understandable in the circumstances. However, it sounds as if you've never had a very close relationship, indeed, you don't actually like her much at all.

So why spend Christmas together? No need to be together for big occasions if you don't get on or there s an atmosphere. Be polite and keep your distance. Even when she gets pregnant she will still be a different type for yourself. Being related by marriage doesn't mean you have to be close.

PurpleDaisies Sun 24-Sep-17 17:42:42

What do you mean "supposedly trying"?

specialsubject Sun 24-Sep-17 17:46:23

Doesn't sound as if you like each other very much even if there is a baby-off.

Change plans for Christmas, months away anyway.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning Sun 24-Sep-17 17:47:54

I don't think she's any ruder than you. Also, when people say they supposedly only privately judge people, I always think "they know!" because they do. Even if it's sub consciously, you are communicating everything to them.

andbabymakesthree Sun 24-Sep-17 17:48:02

You probably show your disdain in real life unconsciously

Spikeyball Sun 24-Sep-17 17:48:47

She'll know you don't like her.

MissWilmottsGhost Sun 24-Sep-17 17:49:53

Other women being pregnant when you are unable to have a child of your own is heartbreaking.

Have some fucking compassion.

BackieJerkhart Sun 24-Sep-17 17:49:59

You don't like her so why do you care if she acknowledges your pregnancy?

Sally52014 Sun 24-Sep-17 17:51:18

To be honest it sounds like you're the issue here and not your SIL.

Gorgosparta Sun 24-Sep-17 17:52:53

Its odd because people often pick up on the fact that people privately judge them. Its a vibe.

You judge her, she finds being round you difficult. You dont want to give her a break because you dont feel she is a good parent to the first.

There isnt a relationship. Just accept you will see her at joint family parties and thats it.

MamaOfTwos Sun 24-Sep-17 17:52:56

Ok, I appreciate I sound horrible, I'm upset by her total snub. I used to seek her approval no end and she genuinely seems to hate me, without sounding like a child- she's the one who has an issue with me.

She has been smoking and drinking for years and I admit, it grates. She's like Peter Pan, and I don't understand it.

I've already said to DH we're making alternative Christmas arrangements, but a shame I won't see my DB

Caspiana Sun 24-Sep-17 17:54:09

You're pregnant, she wants to be pregnant. I think you should cut her some slack.

pasturesgreen Sun 24-Sep-17 17:54:40

I'm sorry but you do sound judgemental.

Re-read your post and give your head a wobble.

3EyedRaven Sun 24-Sep-17 17:56:48

Well, don't worry, you can sit back and feel smug about the fact that your pg with your second, safe in the knowledge it's because you don't smoke.

NooNooHead1981 Sun 24-Sep-17 17:56:57

While I can see that you are very happy for your own circumstances, you don't show much compassion for hers. You sound quite judgemental, and aren't very empathetic for others who may find it hard to see someone who is pregnant and they are desperately trying but not succeeding.

I know how hard that is after 6 years of TTC DC2 and having no success, with an ectopic. If someone came up to me, family or otherwise, and rubbed their stomach, I'd be very upset. I wouldn't show it as outwardly as your SIL but I would be pissed off. Infertility is bloody crap and having people rub your face in their pregnancies is hurtful.

Think of others a bit more, and have some compassion.

splendidisolation Sun 24-Sep-17 17:58:40

"Ok, I appreciate I sound horrible, I'm upset by her total snub" - she went a little cool when you rubbed your pregnant belly (very heavy airquotes here l) "subconsciously". Is that a snub in your world?

"She has been smoking and drinking for years and I admit, it grates. She's like Peter Pan, and I don't understand it."
So you hate everything you dont understand? What an amazing role model for your child. For what its worth I smoke and drink and would look down on you as the kind of woman who used to be the kind of girl at university who would spend her Friday nights in watching Krufts and competitively baking millionaires shortbread while fantasising about the mock tudor semi detached she would one day hope to buy with her property developer husband.

There. Not nice being judged, is it?

MamaOfTwos Sun 24-Sep-17 17:59:29

If she was serious about wanting more children, surely she'd adjust her lifestyle to make this more realistic?

I worship my DC and she doesn't seem to be bothered if she's with hers from one week to the next: I think I need to accept we're polar opposites and move on

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