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Aibu?or do I need a shake?

(40 Posts)
peawe Sun 24-Sep-17 13:29:51

Hello
Slightly apprehensive about posting here.anyway-here goes
Dh of 3 years and 18 month old ds.prior to ds I was very independent both financially and emotionally and dh had a great social life,out every weekend playing cricket,football etc.i didn't mind really as like my own company and spent 4 years studying so needed the time alone.
Since ds I have been on my knees with PND,not helped by the fact he doesn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time so we breastfeed and cosleep all night long.also had a bad physical recovery from the birth resulting in me needing surgery.

I've really needed dh this last 18 months but he has continued to keep up his social life and gets very moody when I ask him to stay in with me. Furthermore-his family are very demanding and phone him and call upon him constantly.he is constantly on his phone or whatsapp.we were having sex once and his brother phoned and he took the call.
He also goes to his parents every night after he finishes work and his mum still makes him a packed lunch even though I do too.
I feel like I have to share him with lots if different people.we've bern together 10 years and it's always been a bone of contention.

Aibu to want him to pull away from his friends and family a little bit and put me and ds first as his new family? Or am I being possessive?

Winteriscomingneedmorewood Sun 24-Sep-17 13:32:56

Yanbu to expect to grow the fuck up. .
He is the ultimate man child and can't see that changing.
You need to start making plans for yourself and tell him he is parenting that night. .

PlatformNineAndThreeQuarters Sun 24-Sep-17 13:33:43

You're not being possessive there's nothing wrong with how you feel

RJnomore1 Sun 24-Sep-17 13:36:32

Seriously? His mum makes him a packed lunch? Does it go in his fireman Sam box?

That's the least of your problems though. Yanbu. You both had a child. Both your lives change. That is normal and right. Have you tried to talk to him about it and if so what does he say?

Winteriscomingneedmorewood Sun 24-Sep-17 13:38:53

Does his dm acknowledge he has a dc or is she still wrapped up in her ds and his needs. ?!

pigsDOfly Sun 24-Sep-17 13:40:19

Oh god, I was married to one of those; been divorced about 12 years now.

He isn't a single man any more, he's a husband and father and he needs to stop behaving like a child and step up to his responsibilities and do his share.

Don't be like me OP and just accept this until you explode. You have a right to expect certain things from him, start standing up for yourself and making a few demands. Once you start you'll be surprised at how good it feels.

Some people will walk all over you if you let them and you really don't have to accept it. Find your voice.

Quartz2208 Sun 24-Sep-17 13:41:36

Nope he needs a shake and accept his responsibilities and step up

peawe Sun 24-Sep-17 13:43:39

It's bad isn't it.he actually drove 20 mins in the wrong direction the other morning to go and pick up his lunch despite the fact I made him a lunch.i only found out later in the day when his mum phoned and mentioned it.
I have tried to talk to him-in fact numerous times over the years.ive tried the angry approach and the softly approach.now I'm just plain sad.i thought once we had a child he would of course put us first. The family are encouraging him to behave this way I think.

The only way I can see this changing is if we physically move away.but he has said he will never move.

peawe Sun 24-Sep-17 13:44:45

Thankyou for your support everyone.really means a lot

peawe Sun 24-Sep-17 13:46:54

Winter-she is still very wrapped up in her own dc needs-very involved.phoning multiple times a day etc.makes life very easy for them

pigsDOfly Sun 24-Sep-17 13:48:40

He said he will never move, so you have no say in that either OP.

Well maybe he should just move back in with his mummy and save you all the irritation. That way he won't have the trouble of driving out of his way to pick up his little boy lunch box.

peawe Sun 24-Sep-17 13:57:33

I think she is a huge issue. What a bloody mess

expatinscotland Sun 24-Sep-17 14:02:12

No, YANBU to want this manchild to grow up, but I don't see that happening. You now know you have procreated with a person who doesn't really care about his own family, please, don't have another with this person without fully understanding that all he is, is a glorified sperm donor.

Topseyt Sun 24-Sep-17 14:02:28

It is him who needs a good shake, and also his silly mother. Not you.

expatinscotland Sun 24-Sep-17 14:03:33

Oh, and stop making him a fucking lunch, he's got Mummy for that and no one needs to eat 2 lunches.

I'd also look at going back to work FT.

Inertia Sun 24-Sep-17 14:05:33

You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

While he's off playing the little boy with his mother after school work, his own child is missing out on family time with his dad.

Sounds like your husband needs to grow the fuck up and start facing his responsibilities.

I wouldn't bother making him a packed lunch if his mum still makes one too- he probably bins at least one of them.

theDudesmummy Sun 24-Sep-17 14:11:23

Why does anyone make him a lunch, has he not got hands?

TheDodgyEnd Sun 24-Sep-17 14:12:34

The fact his behaviour hasn't changed even when you've been battling PND AND SURGERY tells me everything I need to know about this man. What do YOU get from this relationship?

RubyWinterstorm Sun 24-Sep-17 14:15:34

I am sorry but you were optimistic in thinking:" thought once we had a child he would of course put us first." sad

People don't change. He likes being mothered, and you end up competing with his mum..,.Two women making him a packed lunch?! Both women could (should) tell hi he is old enough to pack his own bloody lunch. His mum never will, so why don't you stop packing his lunch? A job less for you to do.

It's crazy. But it won't change, it never does.

Either give in or give up...I guess?

The problem is not his mum though. The problem is HIM.

T00ManyB00ks Sun 24-Sep-17 14:15:50

Please stop making his fucking lunch for him

Winteriscomingneedmorewood Sun 24-Sep-17 14:16:13

The move away is a great idea. . For you and your ds!

Blossomdeary Sun 24-Sep-17 14:22:01

Fill his lunch box with lists of what needs to be done at home! - what you would like him to do with you both as a family. Definitely no food!

His mother needs a kick up the pants too - silly woman. Having adult children with lives of their own brings great joy - a different sort of joy, but joy nevertheless.

Do you love this guy? - enough to play a role in helping him to grow up? Or would you like a real adult to live with?

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 24-Sep-17 14:22:36

I'm surprised you find him remotely sexy. Manchild. I'd start planning my escape from this. Do you really want your ds to be embroiled in this family? Do you really want him to grow up believing this is how a man acts? Because unless you take steps to change this, your ds will think your dhs behaviour is perfectly normal.

MrsDoylesTeabags Sun 24-Sep-17 14:26:41

What kind of support are you getting for your PND?
Your husband won't change, he's got a very easy life with people falling over themselves to look after him so why should he?
You don't need a shake, you need better physical and emotional support.

peawe Sun 24-Sep-17 14:35:01

I've had CBT for my Pnd bit I think until I have better support at home,and start sleeping properly I am not going to feel significantly better.
I make him lunch because when we first moved in together 9 years ago I found out his mum was making him lunch,and I thought bugger it so stopped it.but have restarted in the last few months after I had a word with him about it.feel like a mug.
I do love him but I can feel myself falling out of love with him.we always said we would have 2 children but I don't think I'm well enough to even consider and it upsets me that I'm not part of a real family.saying that my ds is the happiest boy and full of love.and he and my ds love each other.i just can't imagine not wanting to be with him all the time and sacrificing my time to be with his family after work and weekends

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