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Actually it doesn't happen very often and it is big deal

(103 Posts)
Sighsuponsighs Sun 24-Sep-17 12:52:11

I know this is ranty, I just need to get it out. I'm getting increasingly annoyed and I need to be handed all the grips.

Milestone birthday is coming up and H hasn't done fuck all as per all previous birthdays for the last 5 years. I know lots MN don't "do" birthdays but I used to love them.

I've tried to manage my expectations, I've tried to organise stuff for myself (lack of finances coupled with zero childcare (unless I pay for it but can't cos lack of finances), every year I promise myself that next year I will sort out my own birthday stuff but I always end up leaving it last minute because he is always (always) at work, can't or won't get time off for anything other than his own stuff, we have limited funds for naice things and I just end up putting myself last.

This year's excuse was well when I've tried in the past you have always complained (tried once in the last 10years, did something that anyone who even vaguely knew me would know I wouldn't like, I made the right noises but it wasn't my cup of tea and more something he would like). Added to the excuse was I didn't want to arrange anything because I don't know what you like (12 years you fucker! We have been together 12 years!)

Anyway- please tell me to get over myself, I'm feeling sorry for myself for spending my birthday alone whilst the DCs are at school,I pre booked the day off thinking/hoping that he might have done something nice, he hasn't. He made some half arsed gesture of if I book something he will pay for it, but it's not the same, especially as it's so late in the day so no realistic chance of "booking" anywhere.

I always make a fuss for his birthday if not from me then from the DC, homemade gifts, a cake, stuff I know he likes, not big expensive gifts but there is thought there, and how come I know what he likes but he claims not to know what I like?!


And breathe.

balsamicbarbara Sun 24-Sep-17 12:54:42

YANBU if you've communicated your opinion on birthdays to him. It's the thought of it more than the size of whatever he does. I think you would be U if he put some effort into something smaller for you and you just didn't like what he did but making no effort at all seems thoughtless in this case.

FrizzyNoodles Sun 24-Sep-17 12:56:15

If you have the day off and the kids are at school plan something without him. Go on a day trip - are any of your friends free? Even if not go on a trip out maybe around some nice gardens or gallery. If anyone is free you could do cinema or theatre and afternoon tea.

Anecdoche Sun 24-Sep-17 12:56:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aderyn17 Sun 24-Sep-17 13:00:43

Why are you still with him when he clearly doesn't give a fuck about what is important to you?
Also, stop making an effort for his birthday. You might as well have mug stamped on your head.
I'm not seeing his selling points tbh - he sounds totally selfish and you are letting him get away with it.

Amber0685 Sun 24-Sep-17 13:02:16

Book a lovely day for yourself a massage, lunch whatever you enjoy. Maybe have a look on Groupon for some spa deals or whatever you fancy. Happy Birthday.

Winteriscomingneedmorewood Sun 24-Sep-17 13:03:43

No way would I have stayed with a man who gave zero fucks about my birthday when it means lots to me.

JennyHolzersGhost Sun 24-Sep-17 13:03:44

1) if he can afford to pay for something then how come you're too short of money to do so ?

2) if the situation in point 1 is ireecoverable then do a nice low cost day for yourself.

3) ditch him he doesn't care about you.

R2G Sun 24-Sep-17 13:05:07

YANBU. Get yourself a group on and leave him with the kids for the day while you spa/ read

Butterymuffin Sun 24-Sep-17 13:13:44

Don't put yourself last. You deserve something nice, whether you plan it yourself or tell your husband that enough is enough and he has to get his shit together this time. For safety it's probably best to sort it out yourself this time. Book something with friends maybe? And as pp have said, stop bothering for his birthday. It just allows him to think the status quo is fine, when it isn't.

Schmoopy Sun 24-Sep-17 13:17:35

Look, I'm one of those "don't do birthday" ones, but if this is important to you, then you should do it. For yourself.

Why does it get left to the last minute? I can see why money for a celebration and childcare can be difficult to find at the last minute.

So you need to prioritise yourself and save through the year if needs be to acheive it.

Sighsuponsighs Sun 24-Sep-17 14:54:45

I have booked myself a cheap but nice treat for next month but it's next month and not on my actual birthday (I know I I know, considering the milestone I'm behaving like a baby) I don't expect big expensive gestures just that he has actually thought about it beforehand.

I guess with friends around about the same age I get a bit envious when I hear and see their partners don't by nice things for them. It doesn't even have to be big stuff, breakfast in bed or lie in and he does the school run, a day off from cleaning?

I don't know if it's because of the milestone or because I'm just being fucking moody but I've just realised that actually I'm not that difficult to please and if he can't even do that then he doesn't think that highly of me. Now, that makes me sad.

Sighsuponsighs Sun 24-Sep-17 14:55:46

*do nice things for them

misscph1973 Sun 24-Sep-17 15:03:29

One year I said "I want presents for Mother's Day" (as my birthday had been so rubbish!). I told DH very firmly what I wanted. He didn't exactly beam with joy on the day, but I got the attention that I wanted, and the DC loved it too.

I know it's hard. I think it's bloody rubbish that so many women have to spell out what they want for their birthdays. It would be so much nicer to be surprised! But I think that's really your only option.

Unless you do as other posters say and simply arrange it yourself - I have also done that, I went to see my sister in Norway for my 40th. It was fantastic. But I think DH was a bit surprised, and unfortunately he learned noting from it.

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 24-Sep-17 15:07:23

Do you have no money because he's financially abusive or do you have no money?

WashingMatilda Sun 24-Sep-17 15:15:18

Nope you won't get any 'Get over yourself' from me, poppet, he sounds really mean.

It was my 30th in August and my DP organised a massive suprise party with all my friends, family and workmates. I burst into tears like a tit but it was absolutely amazing that he'd gone to so much trouble and everyone was in on it.
It's not everyone's thing, and I'm not saying that's what your DH should have done, but just showing you that adults do make fusses of people's birthdays when their adults. plus I'm an attention seeker
We've been together two years so nothing like the same commitment you have.

Yes, MN has always been weirdly anti birthday.
The way I see it is birthdays are a way of thanking and giving appreciation to that particular person, just for one day.
I make a fuss of people I love when it's their birthday because just for one day it's about them and showing appreciation.

The fact your 'D'H won't do this just for one day, I think speaks volumes.

Sounds to me he's resting on this bollocks excuse of it not being right last time and clings onto that so he doesn't have to bother now.

Do you have friends and family you can do stuff with instead? cake birthday cake from me.

ConciseandNice Sun 24-Sep-17 15:15:54

Reading this post I'm starting to understand all my friends that organised their own birthday parties. I always thought, 'good grief they're so self-absorbed', failing to understand that it is important to them and that's all that matters. Sure I don't care less, your dh obviously doesn't, but you do and if he loves you then he should care to. YANBU. I'm sorry.

Sooooooooooooooooooooo Sun 24-Sep-17 15:17:14

I would stop making any effort on his birthday.

Inertia Sun 24-Sep-17 15:19:34

Why don't you have access to the same money that he'd use to pay for it?

If he isn't going to get involved- and clearly he isn't- then don't bother trying to involve him. Do something you want to do while the children are at school (can you go for lunch with a friend perhaps?), then take the children out for tea after school. Take them shopping so that they can buy you something for your birthday (can you enlist a family member from either family to help with this, so they can give you a surprise?). Can you buy a couple of plain cards, so that they can make you a birthday card the night before?

Obviously, it's shitty of your husband to be like this when he knows it's important to you.But you can build traditions to celebrate with your children, and if he doesn't want to get involved then sod him.

And give over with fussing over him on his birthday. Let him organise it himself . He isn't going to change while he gets lorded over , yet can't be bothered to even acknowledge your day.

Gottagetmoving Sun 24-Sep-17 15:27:02

YANBU...but you know you will get over it, you probably always do until next time?
I have felt like you sometimes but I know it's daft to have expectations that someone will do what you do for them. I think my DP is incapable of coming up with surprises or at least the kind I would like. I have to spell things out for him if I want anything. He has no imagination at all.
It's not easy to understand why some people are incapable of getting it right especially when you see your friends partners getting it right.
Think about stuff he does get right....if there is anything? grin

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sun 24-Sep-17 15:32:04

But he hasn't thought about it beforehand, and he's not going to unless you keep prodding him. That's always worked for him before, he's not going to change it now.

Userwhocouldntthinkofagoodname Sun 24-Sep-17 15:33:10

A lot of people don't 'do' birthdays. You both have different opinions on it, so best just sort out something for yourself.

EllieMArroway Sun 24-Sep-17 15:36:16

For fuck's sake, how difficult is it to remember and give a shit about your wife's birthday?

That he can't be arsed at all is nasty. Just nasty. No excuse for that.

Three things you need to do:

A) Forgive yourself for feeling upset about this. Most people would be.
B) Realise he's never going to bother so stop hoping & wishing (for your sake)
C) Never, ever buy him anything ever again...not birthday, not Christmas, not "just because". Nothing.

GinnyWreckin Sun 24-Sep-17 15:38:59

I'd give yourself a birthday and hand him his papers.

Think about the next 20 years with him and see if you're up to that? Birthday after Christmas after birthday and on and on, cleaning and drudging and setting your standards for love lower and lower until you're grateful he hasn't cheated on you that you know ........ stretching into the future.... appealing, or not?

Set those wheels in motion and put yourself first! Sounds like you'd even be better off financially too!

Mix56 Sun 24-Sep-17 15:48:49

I have this, it also includes Xmas, anniversary, mother's day. I usually get
Nothing, recently I get a bunch of flowers as DC remind him it's my birthday, (he dumps them on the kitchen counter with a grunt.)
I have decided to give him nothing this year & completely ignore his birthday, I have always got him presents, special food, party, meal... finally I realise I should spend the effort & money on myself.
We will see if he has his nose put out of joint... if not perhaps it will make him think.
Can you organise to do something on your birthday, I do lunch with a couple of girlfriends.

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