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ABUI to tell DP to pull his finger out because I'm not a HW

(102 Posts)
SunshineLollipopsRainbows25 Sun 24-Sep-17 10:57:13

We have a house together a 2DC DC1 is from a previous relationship so I take sole responsibility for her and always have, I'm in charge of everything for her is let him take some role but he never tries, now I worked FT before DC2 and I'm now currently on Maternity leave... since being on maternity leave he texts me asking what's for tea? he does not cleaning/tidying he's given up doing everything because he goes to work and I'm home. which I wouldn't mind if I was a SAHM and he was paying for everything but I'm not a SAHM I'm a working mum who is on maternity leave!! I pay my own way and half towards everything I'm not his nanny now I'm at home!

would I be being unreasonable to sit him down and tell him to sort his own shit out and tidy up after himself and help around the house more because I'm not his effing mother maid?? unless he's going to pay my way and me not go back to work I'm not going to be??

if all I've done all day is look after our DC2 whilst DC1 is at school and done no house work I feel judged! if there's no tea for him to come home too he has a big huff. but why can't he make me tea?? even on his day off he asks me "what's for tea?" I don't know what you making???

TurnipCake Sun 24-Sep-17 11:00:54

Actions speak louder than words, so if you're doing things for him like laundry, ironing - stop. Sort food out for you and the children, when he complains, make it clear you're not his skivvy and working full-time doesn't stop you from having to contribute to the household unless it was explicitly agreed prior (which it wasn't, in your case)

Winteriscomingneedmorewood Sun 24-Sep-17 11:02:41

Sounds quite a divided household and not much of a family I must say.

Lethaldrizzle Sun 24-Sep-17 11:05:03

But if you're at home why wouldn't you do the house stuff and make tea?

Lethaldrizzle Sun 24-Sep-17 11:16:51

But on the days you are both home he should definitely help put and make tea

SilverBirchTree Sun 24-Sep-17 11:24:19

Talk to him about division of labour and responsibilities. How people have children without doing this is beyond me.

rwalker Sun 24-Sep-17 11:26:09

50 50 when both off but when one at work and other at home the one at home does home stuff if you having difficult day with dc explain . Worked great in our house both knew what was expected of each other (wife worked p/t so i did do days at home ) when wife came in and asked what for tea never thought that was unreasonable as i was at home .Money should,nt come int who makes teas just who is at home /work

PoorYorick Sun 24-Sep-17 11:26:24

Because mat leave isn't being a SAHM. It's for recovering from pregnancy and childbirth and devoting yourself to your new born.

Parker231 Sun 24-Sep-17 11:27:10

Surely you should both be doing household tasks? You are at home looking after the DC's but will have some free time as will your DP when he is not at work. Should be 50:50.

LittleBooInABox Sun 24-Sep-17 11:34:13

I think your being a little bit unreasonable. Your on maternity leave so it's not like your at work all day. When you go back to work it'll be different. I take on the housewife role when I'm off work because it's easier cause I'm the one at home all day.

Discuss it, if it bothers you that much.

PoorYorick Sun 24-Sep-17 11:38:17

When I was on mat leave, I spent any "free time" I had sleeping....breastfeeding every hour through the night gave me that right. I've never been so exhausted in my life, and all while recovering from a terrible birth. I fell down the stairs with the baby in my arms and drove into a fence. And horrific PND. Anyone who thought I should also have been cooking and cleaning can get right to fuck.

If someone had a sports injury that involved tearing and stitches and serious depression and sleepless nights, nobody would berate them for not keeping house while off work. Just another example of childbirth and all things related to it being trivialised. File it alongside labour being a spectator sport where everyone except the women actually shitting and bleeding and tearing and labouring get to say who can watch.

Fuck all that, why does anyone put up with it?

eyebrowsonfleek Sun 24-Sep-17 11:42:06

The person on maternity leave should be doing more household tasks than a full-time worker during the week. On weekends he needs to be doing 50% and depending on household income, contributing to practical help like a cleaner.

How old is the baby and what hours does your h work? Whether or not he’s taking the piss depends on this. If he’s out the house 12 hours a day and comes back at a regular time, then dinner being ready-ish isn’t unreasonable.

You’ve “spoiled “ your h by not making him do childcare/housework. He probably imagines you playing with baby all day or meeting other mums at Costa drinking coffee because he has no idea what parenting is like. Even many women think that maternity leave is going to be a doddle and they’ll write a novel while baby sleeps etc.

IrritatedUser1960 Sun 24-Sep-17 11:43:51

Why does he not take responsibility for your DC? Surely if you have chosen a life together and your DC is the half sister of your other DC then is he not big enough to take her on as his own?
I would not want any man not generous enough to do that. What would happen if you died, would he just abandon her.
No way would I live with someone like that.
I would text back and say I was hoping you'd tell me what's for dinner tonight, I haven't planned anything.

Mammylamb Sun 24-Sep-17 11:47:46

Laughing at all those who think because a woman is on mat leave she should spend all day keeping "house". On mat leave I devoted all day looking after my son, and in the evening my husband took over, and I would do all the house stuff then! We both sat down every evening at the same time (many nights this didn't happen)! Then when we swapped and my husband took his shared parental leave, we did it the other way round. Can't believe all these women who are martyrs. Looking after a baby and recovery from childbirth are bloody hard work. Awaiting someone suggesting to pop baby in a sling

wowbutter Sun 24-Sep-17 11:48:30

Surely maternity leave exists so you can look after your baby, feed them, get a routine established, recover from birth, get them to medical appointments etc.

I do think it's a nice idea that you can have a lovely home, clean, cook, and have the baby, but frequently that doesn't happen.

Your partner should be doing what he did before you were at home. You spend all day caring for the baby, he spends all day at work. When you are by at home, you do whatever needs doing. Both of you.

Walkingdead11 Sun 24-Sep-17 11:54:39

Wow, it's like I've had a time warp back to the 1950s..........scary............

May50 Sun 24-Sep-17 12:00:17

YANBU at all. Sit sown and have the chat sooner rather than later. When I was off on maternity leave with ex cocklodger partner, I did everything like a good little maid - which he loved, even though he paid nothing in to the household - my maternity leave was covered by tax credits and my savings! Yes, I was mad. Don't know why I let him get away with it. Fast forward to now and I am single - resentment built up and I realized what a fool I had been. Make it clear to him now that he needs to step up otherwise it will gradually make you more and more resentful and won't end well.

Parker231 Sun 24-Sep-17 12:07:57

Walkingdead11 - unfortunately there seems to more and more 1950's lifestyles appearing on Mn. As you say - scary!

Haffiana Sun 24-Sep-17 12:13:52

I don't think it is 1950's, I think it is the usual mad jealousy and belittling of anyone that is a SAHM -even if only for a few months - that is pervading MN.

Hulder Sun 24-Sep-17 12:14:37

When you say 'pay my own way and half towards everything' I assume you have equal earnings.

Otherwise if you are paying for everything for your DC1 as well, he's already on to a winner.

Being 50:50 is supposed to be about both parties ending up with equal disposable income - not the woman working twice as hard to pay for existing children off a smaller salary and paying 50% of the bills while man swans about in clover.

Please God you aren't funding your mat leave too to 'pay your own way'.

Rufustherenegadereindeer1 Sun 24-Sep-17 12:14:52

Yanbu in the slightest

Walkingdead11 Sun 24-Sep-17 12:26:48

It's incredibly sad that a woman who has presumably not that long ago had a baby(incredibly tiring) is expected to have fucking tea on the table every night!!! Looking after children IS FUCKING WORK!!! The OP'S partner is a twat of epic proportions.......probably unlike his manhood........

expatinscotland Sun 24-Sep-17 12:30:12

Stop doing everything. It's not 1950s housewife leave. And don't trot out the line about 'if you paid my way' because the last thing you want to do, ever, is give up work to become a SAHP with an unmarried partner, and a lazy one like this.

'What's for tea?' 'No idea, your night to make it.'

ChickenVindaloo2 Sun 24-Sep-17 12:34:52

I'm surprised more people haven't commented on the bit where OP says re DC1 from a previous relationship:
"I take sole responsibility for her and always have, I'm in charge of everything for her"
Does this mean financially or practically? Does the child pick up on this?

Grimbles Sun 24-Sep-17 12:35:18

It's maternity leave, not maid of all work leave.

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