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To think when we teach children to stand up to bullies we should as adults too?

(13 Posts)
starfishinthesea Sun 24-Sep-17 10:20:35

I've name changed...my Neice has been on the receiving end of some primary playground bullying recently and I overheard my sister telling her to tell the bully to stop it as it's not very 'kind' (the school theme) and offer to play instead and if it carries on to walk away and tell the Teacher.

I have been having issues with a colleague at work recently...they constantly dig at my work but then when another colleague checks it they say it's fine nothing to worry about, sarcastic remarks, comments on if I wear something new/different than my usual suit and now has decided to tell me that I'm no good at my job in front of other colleagues and clients...this colleague is not my manager same level just more experienced...I burst into tears the other day (this is after weeks of constant comments on EVERYTHING I do) and asked her to elaborate on why I am no good at my job and why when someone else makes the same mistake it is seen as a 'simple mistake no harm done' but when I do 'it's a major issue/mistake' some other colleagues stepped in and I walked away (to get some air) angry with myself as all I had ringing in my head was my sisters words to my Neice...aibu to think that adults should be told/reminded to stand up to bullies just as much children...friends and family have said 'o just ignore it they'll soon get what's coming to them' but why should I when I feel like I'm being bullied? I'm thinking of emailing my manager and telling them what's happened...I don't want to go into work tomorrow.

headinhands Sun 24-Sep-17 10:24:33

Gosh op that sounds horrible. If it's affecting you that much your manager would definitely want to know. And yes you definitely need to sort this. In the same as you though. I just cry in those scenarios. I console myself by thinking that at least I'm not getting nasty/shouting.

SandyY2K Sun 24-Sep-17 10:25:03

I agree you should inform your manager about it. Bullies often behave as they do through jealousy.

Don't tolerate it. Make a note of the incidents and have them to hand when you speak to your manager.

If you get no luck, see HR.

StarfishSeahorse Sun 24-Sep-17 10:31:19

You have every right to stand up to your bully, it’s important to do so calmly and professionally though.
Practice saying;
“I’m asking you politely to stop right now. If you have an issue with my work then speak to our manager. I will not tolerate any more disparaging comments from you. You are not senior to me and if you continue to behave in a bullying manner I will have no choice but to raise a grievance against you.”
If she tries to argue say “I was not inviting discussion on this matter.” Then walk away, and raise the grievance anyway.

headinhands Sun 24-Sep-17 10:33:51

Yes calm and professional is the way. You don't need to bring in examples of how she doesn't do it others. Just use examples of what she's saying to you and how it's making you feel.

starfishinthesea Sun 24-Sep-17 11:06:53

Thank you all for the great advice, I started making notes last night as I couldn't get it out of my head...I didn't think to put how it's making me feel but in this context it makes a lot of sense.

I'm going to ask my manager for a meeting as their back on Tuesday, again thanks all.

Gorgosparta Sun 24-Sep-17 11:33:42

The advice i give to my kids will change depending on how much its bothering them and whats been happening. It may start as 'ignore them'.

Adults or children can stand up to bullies, ignore them or speak to someone in authority. I dont think the advice is any different for any age group.

Its an awful situation and usually go for the standing up to them and then reporting if that doesnt stop them.

The majority of people who do this stuff tend to go away when they are confronted.

starfishinthesea Sun 24-Sep-17 12:23:52

Gorgosparta you're right the advice shouldn't be any different, its just I noticed when I spoke to a few adult friends and family about it they said "o just ignore them they'll get their karma" or "mmm probably best just try and hold it in you don't want to be labelled the snitch of the office" etc the ones that surprised me were my parents who when me, my brothers and sisters were younger my mum would say go and tell the teacher and my dad would say just give them a bop on the nose they won't bother you again but don't tell your mother I said that! grin When I spoke to my mum yesterday she said "o don't bother saying anything jobs are short at the mo...they'll get bored and move on to someone else just ignore them" I was surprised as that's not what she used to say when I was a kid she was always on at us to stand up for ourselves and don't be a bystander when you can see that person can't fight back so was really confused she came out with "o just leave it" confused

TheStoic Sun 24-Sep-17 12:29:55

If we were alone when she said this stuff, I'd genuinely tell her to STFU. Literally.

If she complained, I'd play dumb.

Bullies need to be stood up to.

Nanny0gg Sun 24-Sep-17 12:31:20

they'll get bored and move on to someone else just ignore them

And therein lies the problem...

HerOtherHalf Sun 24-Sep-17 12:44:11

Hoping she'll eventually move on to someone else is not a solution and is not fair on that someone else either. We all have a right not to be bullied in the workplace. Gather your evidence, make notes of what she says/does that you think constitutes bullying and the names of any potential witnesses and make a formal complaint. There are no guarantees that your employer will act on it but at least then you'll know what sort of organisation you work for.

starfishinthesea Sun 24-Sep-17 12:58:39

I don't hope she moves on to anyone else (my mum said this)...I would hate anyone else to go through what I've been going through these past few months but seems to have really intensified these past two weeks! I've decided to speak to my boss as I hadn't actually realised the amount of things she's been doing/saying and the more down I've been getting.

starfishinthesea Sun 24-Sep-17 13:02:35

Sorry herotherhalf I meant my mum said that she hope she moves on to someone else...I'm hoping she doesn't!! Thestoic that really made me laugh!!

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