To feel like i don't want to return to work

[Elliemummy786]

Hi,

I am currently on mat leave. Originally DH was supposed to keep DD the two days i would have been working until his contract changed so we decided MIL would keep her instead, which she was more than happy to do. DD is now 4 months and in that time MIL has not been of any use. E.g she will literally run n hide when DD has a wet/dirty nappy, not once offered to feed her, does not respect her naptimes instead tries to force DD to stay awake, my inlaws idea of entertaining a four month old is sticking her infront of a telly so loud you can hear it out the front door, so i can see a couch potato in the making as most of them tend to do this. I just feel like they can't even look after her now when im right there, imagine if i am not around. I once left DD for one hour only to come back to find her top soaked as she dribbles alot, they didn't bother changing her into spare set of clothes. AIBU to feel like i don't want to leave DD there? I wouldn't be comfortable leaving her with strangers either, not this young anyway. Any advice would be very much appreciated.

[Purplemac]

You can't leave her with them if you don't trust them. So your choices are either to return to work and find alternative childcare that you pay for, or don't return to work.

[Pregosaurus]

Can you afford to stay at home? Is your DH supportive of you staying at home?

I didn't go back to work - best thing I ever did. We are all very happy, but we could afford it and we both (DP and I) wanted me to stay at home. I was worried about giving up work (unecessarily it turned out!) and we agreed we'd give it a go and then review it in a year or so.

[speakout]

I echo PP- do you need to go back to work?

I became a SAHM while my kids were young, They were very attached and I wanted them to be raised at home with me.
They were wonderful amazing years.
Our kids were left with no one in the early years.

[opheliacat]

It is only two days. A nursery won't be strangers. They will be people she comes to love and trust.

[Elliemummy786]

DH is supportive of me being a sahm. He would prefer that than dd being put in a nursery so young. I think its more because i have never really been out of work before and in laws were making me feel bad for wanting to be a sahm as they feel im putting alot of strain on DH by making him sole earner. But even now DH pretty much pays for everything, plus if i did leave dd in nursery all hell would break loose as they would get offended for me not leaving her in their care.

[NefretForth]

She will be fine in nursery, honestly. They won't be strangers once she's been there a little while. My DD went to nursery when she was six months, two days a week, and loved her key worker. There's a lot to be said for starting nursery before the separation anxiety kicks in, and it doesn't sound as though leaving her with in-laws is realistic.

What do you do? Do you have a career that will be tricky to get back into? What are your prospects if you carry on working? (Working for virtually nothing at this stage can be an investment if you're going to earn significantly more later.) Do you like your job? I've got too many friends who dropped out of the workplace when children were tiny, felt it was worthwhile during those years, but then regretted it later when they couldn't find decent work.

[cheminotte]

If you can afford to be a sahm, you can afford to extend your mat leave surely? If you take a full year you may feel a lot more ready to go back.

[hidinginthenightgarden]

Surely when you return she will be a lot older? Why don't you take a year off and put her in nursery too days when you return?
My son went to nursery from age one and it has really helped him. He is a lovely boy (most of the time) and loved nursery. He is now in school and misses it a lot.

[Peeetle]

Nursery would be loads better than your inlaws. But it does sound like you want to be a sahm. Could you extend your mat leave until she's a year?

Personally I'd do nursery and mat leave if you have a good job (because it can be hard to get back into the workplace) and be a sahm if you don't.

[MrTrebus]

When are you thinking of going back to work etc? Your DD is only 4 months so how long is your mat leave? Do you have to decide right now?

[Capricorn76]

If you can afford to be a SAHM why aren't you doing the full year mat leave? Why is the question being raised at only four months? By the time she's a year old you may feel more comfortable leaving her in nursery for a couple of days.

[Scoleah]

I had this too OP, and my in Laws got quite Arsy at the fact I would be a SAHM they said I’m Lazy, they would help out etc, but their house is overrun by grandkids who they can’t give 1 on 1 attention with, and just scream at each other to be heard. I couldn’t leave my DD & DS there and know he would be 100% ok. Like you, My husband fully supported me not going back to work, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done/ I don’t have no worries where the kids are; I know what they’ve done & ate all day, and it’s lush seeing them grow up! Not missing out on a thing. x

[2rebecca]

I think it depends on whether you have a career or a job and how you feel about losing your financial independence. You could tell your Inlaws the reason you aren't happy with them looking after her. If they get upset they get upset. They shouldn't be an important factor though. If they lived 100 miles away what would you do? This is a more important decision than whether or not you upset your Inlaws who it sounds as though you don't get on with anyway so seeing less of them won't be a disadvantage

[Tumbleweed101]

Being a sahm to a young baby isn't being lazy! It's hard work.

Until a few years ago mums used to be supported to stay home til the youngest was 12yo now we feel bad staying home when they're still babies and preschoolers, it's crazy.

Unless you work in a field that will honestly be impossible to break back in to, earn a lot, or love doing then being a sahm for those first few years will be fine. We all have to work so much of our lives a few years out to raise a baby isn't being lazy.

[Babbitywabbit]

First off, don't leave your precious baby with the in laws who clearly won't provide a good quality environment.

Second- stop talking about leaving your child with 'strangers.' No one does that. If you use a good quality cm or nursery you will be allowing your child to build other caring, positive relationships.

Do you have a worthwhile career or just a job? Do you want to be able to progress? Would you mind if you struggled to get back at the same level in the future?

How does your dh feel about being sole breadwinner? (Not what his parents feel about it, but him )

Ultimately 2 days work is quite little, leaving you 5 days at home each week, so if you have a good job I personally think you'd be mad to give it up. But if you don't have a good job, or don't like your job, and you dh is happy to support you then you might prefer to stay at home

[Appuskidu]

Until a few years ago mums used to be supported to stay home til the youngest was 12yo

I'm sure sure about that--when were mum's supported to stay at home until their youngest was 12?

My DS is 16 and my maternity leave/pay with him was pitiful-I had to go back when he was tiny and didn't feel supported at all! When I had my younger children, things had vastly improved and I could have a year off with them.

[CaptainsCat]

Personally I wouldn't go back to work, because that is the decision I made anyway. If I was going down the childcare route, I would pick a childminder, as a recent study showed very young children do better in this environment than the nursery environment.

[2rebecca]

I had a childminder and would agree with exploring this option as it has the pros of your child being in a family environment with more consistency. The disadvantages are that you have to choose a childminder with similar values to yourself and let them get on with their job and not try to micromanage them, and that they have holidays and illnesses.

[toolonglurking]

I was unsure about being a sahm for the same reasons you give, I'd never not worked in my life and the idea of giving it up was scary, but I did it and I really enjoy it. I'm pregnant with DC2 and DC1 is now 18months and when I think about what else I could be doing I'm so grateful I'm doing this.
DH earns just enough for us to get by, we've had to tighten our belts a little, but I'm so much happier this way.

[SandyY2K]

I'd put her in nursery.

There's nothing like financial independence and if you become a full time SAHM, you'll slip back career wise.

Adult company throughout the day keeps your mind active. I would never put myself of being 100% financially dependant on anyone.

It's just my own experience while on mat leave. I worked 3 days a week once I had 2 DC. I used a combination of nursery and child minders.

[Elliemummy786]

I had to go on mat leave earlier than expected due to a difficult pregnancy . I did take a whole year but seems short because they made me take mat leave early. Its not the best job in the world but like i said its work. Im not even 100 percent sure if they would allow me to work 2 days, but if i did go back i would only want to do 2 days. I am just not comfortable with a childminder/nursery at this stage. Originally it was supposed to be DH or MIL who would look after her but thats now gone out the window. I do get along with the inlaws just don't see eye to eye when it comes to DD.

[AtHomeDadGlos]

As you can tell by name, I did it with my wife returning to work. Plan was for me to go back after about two years when our DD started nursery. But...we've another one coming now. So that has been put back by two years.

It works well, we can afford to live on one salary but cut our cloth accordingly.

[jackiethebacky]

Don't be too hasty about nursery, I DREADED putting my baby in nursery when I went back to work but she actually loved it, 2 days really isn't a lot, it becomes normal and fine very quickly.