I've named changed as don't want to be identified.
I gave birth to 1st DS 3 days ago by ELCS - was feeling so happy until yesterday.
I was in hospital waiting to be discharged when my DH called my MIL on his mobile, and put the conversation on speakerphone - without telling her.
As she did not realise she was on speakerphone, she made some very unfortunate and disparaging comments about my Mother, who had visited me in the hospital a day after giving birth, along with my sister who was visiting from overseas.
The comments my MIL made were:
1/asking how the visit with my Mother had gone the day before and whether my mother had turned up only for 'Kodak moments'
And
2/harrumphing in a very disdainful tone that my Mother had sent her a congratulatory 'aren't we lucky to be grandmothers' email that morning, along with some photos of the three of us (me, DH and DS) during her visit.
Now; the context to this is that I have had a very strained relationship with my Mother the past year and that we have been on mostly non speaks. She really let me down and hurt me just over a year ago when she failed to acknowledge / bother to get in contact when I had a miscarriage the week I got married. I had emailed her on the way back from the EPOS unit when they said the pregnancy was unviable, and heard nothing at all. In short, I felt let down by my Mum at a very vulnerable time.
During the majority of the pregnancy, we've had no contact and it has been hard, but I've had to manage my expectations.
She got in touch a short time before the birth and explained that she wanted to be supportive.
My husband is aware of all that has happened with my Mother and he is angry at the lack of support during the miscarriage. In our intimate conversations, I have expressed my fears to him that my Mum is only interested in being around for 'Kodak moments' and not offering love and support when I am vulnerable and need it most.
Similarly, I was aware that my MIL was aware that I had a difficult relationship with my Mum but I've never openly dissed my Mother in front of her. Over the past year, I have tried hard to have a good rel with my MIL and have really helped her out and tried to nurture a relationship with her.
So, my shock at hearing the conversation is huge because it tells me
1/my DH has clearly been telling her things I've told him in what I believed were private, intimate conversations
And
2/the huge disdain and contempt my MIL has for my Mother.
I was so shocked I just couldn't speak. After my MIL said these things, my DH - who had realised with horror that she didn't realise I had heard her say these things - told her we were on speakerphone.
This has really changed things for me, on so many levels.
I feel very hormonal and vulnerable, having just given birth, so there is every possibility I am over reacting.
But I feel so distanced from my DH - he's let me down by sharing things that I've told him in confidence - and I can't bear the thought of playing happy families with my MIL, knowing that she regards my Mum with such contempt.
I am not excusing or defending my Mother. I've had to resign myself to the fact she is never going to be the Mother I want her to be. But it's one thing me knowing and feeling this and having her held up to scrutiny and ridicule by by DH and his family.
I have tried to address this with my DH and he says 'sorry' that yesterday happened, but also that I am being hormonal (as we were told to expect at this point). His get out clause is that as I had told her (MIL) that I had a difficult relationship with my mother, therefore she must have thought it was ok to say such things.
But this has changed things for me. I feel so distanced and let down. I feel no connection at all to him. I've lost respect for him.
I'm happy about the birth of our DS, but I want nothing more to do with his Mother and I feel no closeness to my DH.
My DH keeps saying this is hormones - but things have changed for me. I have no interest in him at all - I don't trust him, and I've no interest in pursuing a relationship with my MIL, particularly as I have been a doormat over the past year in terms of trying to be kind and considerate.
I'm so angry and let down.
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how to deal with my MIL's comments about my Mum two days after my giving birth
127 replies
SteadyFreddie · 23/09/2017 21:31
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Anecdoche ·
23/09/2017 22:02
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