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Posting for traffic. Someone tell me my kids will survive our divorce?

(24 Posts)
PickleFactory Sat 23-Sep-17 16:43:27

Filed for divorce last week. Posted on here several times for advice.

Our DS are 6 and 9 and DS1 has mild autism and is a daddy's boy.

All I'm getting from STBXH is how hard it will be for the boys and they will struggle.

Please someone tell me they will be fine and adapt to their new life?

yorkshapudding Sat 23-Sep-17 16:48:39

I work in children's mental health.
I can assure you that children of (amicably, or at least civilly) divorced parents tend to fare much better than those living with unhappily married parents.

It will be difficult at first but they will adjust. The best thing you as parents can do to help them adjust is to keep things as calm and amicable as possible- at least in front of them. Not always easy but will make the whole process much less anxiety provoking for them.

PickleFactory Sat 23-Sep-17 16:53:36

Thanks yorkshapudding that's what I needed to hear.

Brittbugs80 Sat 23-Sep-17 16:56:53

Honestly, they will adapt and be absolutely fine. Parents who stay together for the children are probably causing more damage than those that live apart.

As best as you can, explain that you have a relationship with them and love them, Dad has a relationship with them and loves them and this is nothing to do with the relationship between you and Dad and you don't love each other anymore, but it doesn't affect anyone else.

Unless Dad won't be around for any reason then obviously that won't work!

Hope your divorce is as trouble and stress free as possible.

FittonTower Sat 23-Sep-17 17:19:18

My friend's ex husband still spends a lot of time telling her that she ruined their boys lives by leaving him. That's because he's a controlling arsehole who is still trying to guilt her into doing what he wants. Her boys have never been happier.

yorkshapudding Sat 23-Sep-17 17:39:52

Thinking about it now, it's rarely the separation itself that children with divorced parents want to talk to me about in counseling. It tends to be things like witnessing arguments, overly complicated custody arrangements or being expected to act as a 'go between' for parents who won't communicate with one another that causes them lasting distress.
Parents who overshare with their kids or lean on the kids for emotional support following the divorce also set themselves and their children up for a lot of problems further down the road. If you and your STBX can agree to avoid these pitfalls and speak to (and about) one another respectfully in the presence of the kids they'll be fine. Basically, as long as the adults continue to act like adults and let the kids be kids it usually works itself out.

Florence16 Sat 23-Sep-17 17:40:52

I was 13 when my parents divorced and wished they'd done it sooner. My life improved tremendously.

PickleFactory Sat 23-Sep-17 17:46:47

We are trying to keep it as amicable as possible but it's still very early days. I only started proceedings last week so he's still upset and angry but in front of the boys were fine and still trying to do activities together as a family atm.

yorkshapudding Sat 23-Sep-17 18:32:44

That's great, Pickle. You sound like great parents. It will get easier flowers

Dashper Sat 23-Sep-17 18:39:25

My parents "failed" by a. saying nasty things about the other person and b. by handling children in their subsequent relationships (biological and step) poorly. Avoid that, make sure they both see their NRP regularly and that they know they are loved and they should be ok.
FWIW I've never been upset by the actual fact of the divorce.

Purplemac Sat 23-Sep-17 18:57:05

Slightly different scenario as DH and his ex split when DSD was only two, but she is the most well adjusted child I have ever known. I put this down to the fact that she has two very loving parents and two very loving stepparents and is not stuck in the middle of a shit relationship. She also has two great role models of marriage in mine/DH and her mum/stepdad.

namechangefordummies Sun 24-Sep-17 09:52:03

My parents divorced when I was 5. My mum has actually been divorced 3 more times since then - I got over all of these and I'm pretty successful and well adjusted...

One thing I wanted to warn against though is bad mouthing each other. My mum and dad have always, ever since I was small, made nasty comments about each other to me and my sister or in our earshot. It's awful, and i think it's the one thing I've never dealt well with.

Your kids are more resilient than you think. They will cope and they'll be fine.

GabriellaMontez Sun 24-Sep-17 10:07:41

Similar ages to you I'm a year down the line. It's early days but they've adapted well. Are happy. Talk to me about worries "what's going to happen on our birthdays?" Etc. They see him regularly.

It's a good age. I'm glad they weren't older.

Plan contact that works best for your boys. Not based on your guilt.

dangermouseisace Sun 24-Sep-17 10:16:26

I'm getting divorced (2 years post separation). Kids were 5,7,9.

The kids are FINE. It was hard at first, but they are really happy. They get used to it. As long as you have a routine, and they know when they are going where, and with who, they will be ok. Having a calendar can help.

It's awful when the unknown is staring at you, with so many possibilities, and so many things that can go 'wrong'. But if you are honest and consistent with your kids about what is going to happen with them, they will be absolutely ok. If you can agree to co-parent then all the better, as you will have consistency across the board. My divorce is not straightforward, but I put that all aside and deal with it in writing, and leave the 'talking' bit with my ex purely about parenting. It helps to have that separation.

Beamur Sun 24-Sep-17 10:19:38

I met my now DH after he split with his first wife. Kids 7 & 9.
He and his ex are text books examples of a good divorce, they have never undermined each other, kept to arrangements about access and have been kind and flexible - always trying to put the kids first. There was sadness and it was hard at times, but we've all been sensible and I think the kids (now young adults) have come out ok. They've done well at school and we all get on.
It can be done.

LindyHemming Sun 24-Sep-17 10:42:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PickleFactory Sun 24-Sep-17 10:45:04

Feel much happier now knowing my DC will be ok.

I hope we can carry on being amicable. He will see them twice a week when we do go our separate ways. Keeping a calendar is a good idea especially as STBX works shifts and weekends so it would not be set days he has them.

TheStoic Sun 24-Sep-17 10:46:08

The fact you feel so much 'guilt' shows that you have their best interests at heart. You will always do your best by them and I'm sure they (after some adjustment) will be just fine.

cestlavielife Sun 24-Sep-17 10:48:16

There is support out there e.g. separated parent workshops and courses
Sign up .
Read "how to talk so kids will listen.. . "
Start doing things separately with the dc so they get used to that concept.

cestlavielife Sun 24-Sep-17 10:49:40

Kids and adults can deal with anything if they have resilience

PickleFactory Sun 24-Sep-17 11:05:04

Euphemia i know I couldn't believe when he said to me that he was angry I'm divorcing him. I asked how he could possibly be angry with me after what he'd done? Apparently I've got somebody else because I'm divorcing him quickly? nah mate, should have divorced you back in March when you cheated and had to have a full health check because you thought you'd caught something.

But in front of the boys we switch to our parenting heads.

opheliacat Sun 24-Sep-17 11:09:00

Whether death or divorce, it's all about how well the "surviving" parent copes.

I'm not suggesting for a moment you would do this, OP, but all too often dad moves out, is rarely if ever heard from again, in moves new 'dad', and children are adaptable, and then they have a new brother or sister and their biological dad does too and children are adaptable, and so on.

I do think divorce can be extremely damaging, i think we underestimate how much. That isn't to say parents should stay miserable, but it is a consideration when thinking about moving on.

SandyY2K Sun 24-Sep-17 11:15:54

With the love and affection from both of you, they'll be fine.

Although you're doing family stuff together now, that will likely change when you have new partners.

He has a bloody cheek getting angry after he cheated. What a sense of entitlement!

thedevilinablackdress Sun 24-Sep-17 11:55:22

Like some PP, I'm a child of divorced parents and I was relieved when I was told it was happening. Unfortunately rows at home were replaced by endless questioning about what the other one was up to, bitching and moaning, slagging off, using me as some sort of surrogate counsellor hmm I was 8. So don't do that and they'll be grand. Grit teeth and smile when discussing XH with them and save anything else for when they're well out of earshot. Best of luck.

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