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To contact someone who made my life hell a decade ago

(91 Posts)
takeiteasybuttakeit Sat 23-Sep-17 09:30:39

I was very very good friends with someone in the past (more than ten years ago): we spent millenium new years eve together in a small group, I cooked the meal for her hen party, I was one of the first people she told when she was pregnant etc. We had a big circle of mutual friends including two of her sisters, both of whom I was close to. Her husband was always a bit 'off' with me, and then 10 years ago she came to me and said we could no longer be friends as she 'knew' what had happened between her dh and me. Turns out he had said that I had asked him to have sex with me ('do you fancy a shag' was the exact wording). This was so unlikely that when I told my dh he just laughed. I found it sort of funny but deeply upsetting that someone could just make up something about me, and it had pretty horrible repercussions (read on!).
I was so appalled and confused that my dh contacted him to talk it through and tell him he must have been mistaken (he cited a time and place that it happened which would have been impossible as I wasn't even in the country at the time). Anyway, the other man pretty nastily kept contacting my dh to insist it was true. His contact with my dh became pretty weird and my dh ended up changing his email address and blocking this person on his phone. I decided to let it go as my dh was getting really incensed about it and not sleeping and it felt like there was nothing much we could do.
Thankfully my dh knew there was no way it could have happened, although I hate to think what might have happened if he had believed it. Although it was clearly a pretty outrageous lie, the friend and her extended circle stopped being friends with us and that was that. I tried to talk it through with one of the sisters who just said that family loyalties had to come first, and the friend's BIL who I had been very close to for years (he is how I met them in the first place) told me that this guy was completely arrogant and may have told the lie to his dw in an argument that then got out of control.
Well the upshot was I lost a whole circle of friends due to the 'family loyalty' but I got over it eventually with time and am fine now. I never saw the couple again. BUT it eats away at me that this man could come up with such an outrageous lie and attempt to mess with my marriage in this way as well as ride roughshod over my friendships let alone my feelings. I really feel like writing to him or his wife and telling them that. It has arisen again as next September my ds is likely going to be going to the same school as their dcs and I am worried about running into them. AIBU to contact them or AIBU to be concerned about my ds going to that school to the extent that now I'm wondering about finding another school for him? It seems so unfair that this one person's mindless actions might continue to have such an impact on my life.

takeiteasybuttakeit Sat 23-Sep-17 09:31:42

wow, very long, sorry

19lottie82 Sat 23-Sep-17 09:35:36

It might be tempting but try and keep your dignity.
Write the letter, sure, but then tear it up and put it in the bin.

Increasinglymiddleaged Sat 23-Sep-17 09:35:44

I think you shouldn't contact them no it would be pointless. You need to move on, she wasn't the person that you thought and that's it really. Something like this happens to most people at some time.

In terms of school its up to you really but I think any school has a mixture of nice, sensible parents and those who still behave like they are 12 so probably someone will be 'off' with you at some point regardless.

Bloodybridget Sat 23-Sep-17 09:36:05

I wouldn't contact them. People who could behave that badly ten years ago are unlikely to now agree that they were wrong, apologise, and mend their ways. If your DS does end up at the same school as theirs, perhaps you could ask for them to be in different forms? Then completely ignore them. Is it a primary school? Less chance of coming across them at secondary.

Starlight2345 Sat 23-Sep-17 09:36:28

No I would not contact them, not speak to them..I would hold my head up high and send your DC to the school of your choice.. is thier DS same age as yours? At the school already?Do you know they are still in the same place?

LokisLover Sat 23-Sep-17 09:37:31

That's awful. He sounds very odd with his own adgenda, there's something more to it that you'll probably never know about but you became the one to blame. I wonder if he had a crush on you or something like that?

Anyway... I wouldn't contact them at all even if your children may end up at the same school. It will all get stirred up again and I don't think it would end in anything amicable and positive.

LegoShmego Sat 23-Sep-17 09:38:52

Yeah, I'd leave it. It's a shit thing to happen but It's not going to solve anything and your not going to get back what you had.

If you do bump in to her just be polite

takeiteasybuttakeit Sat 23-Sep-17 09:40:38

Thanks, deep down I know I shouldn't really contact them but I guess knowing I'm likely to meet them has just brought the whole thing up again. I guess adding to the mix is that my ds has ASD and I'm worried enough about him in school, and feel he will become well 'known' to the other kids due to his quirky is a secondary, yes.

redshoeblueshoe Sat 23-Sep-17 09:42:12

Wow - what an idiot. No - don't speak to her ever again. I agree with Lottie, write the letter and put it in the bin.

shrunkenhead Sat 23-Sep-17 09:42:17

For your own sanity I'd leave well alone. And let Karma deal with it. I'm sure you have plenty of questions you'd like answers to but it's best to let it go.
I was once in a similar situation but my (now ex) best mate turned on me and made up a shed load of lies about me to turn fellow friends and colleagues against me. I tried many times to "talk it through" with her in the hope of an explanation but no joy. I'll never know why but know I'm the better person and Karma has indeed sorted any revenge I'd ever seek to retaliate with...

MyrtleMaracas Sat 23-Sep-17 09:43:00

If your friends took his side even though the bil said he was known to be arrogant then sorry to say they don't sound like much of a loss, though I can see how annoying and upsetting it must have been.

It's always awkward when having to face people from the past who have caused problems but if I were you I'd would just smile and ignore. Agree with others, don't start it up again by trying to resolve it, they've proven themselves to be batshit.

x2boys Sat 23-Sep-17 09:43:27

i wouldnt contact them lies can destroy you only if you let them a family member told a pack of lies about my dh its destroyed his family i dont know the reasons for the lies but there is no point in dwelling on them if you contact them now it will bring it all up again ignore them the best revenge is them to see you happy and not caring about the past.

NoFucksImAQueen Sat 23-Sep-17 09:44:12

I get why it makes you angry. Around 8 years ago I had similar happen to me. Friends boyfriend on Facebook, used to pop up on the chat part and I would natter back being polite because he was my friends boyfriend. Eventually he tried to take it further and I knocked him back but he then told my friend I'd flirted with him. I wasn't going to say anything her as she was smitten with him and I knew she'd never do anything about it anyway. It was in the days before messenger was an inbox and the chat bit was separate and didn't save so I had no evidence. About 6 months ago a memory popped up on my timeline and it was where he'd written on my wall with some off the charts obvious flirting and I'd deflected asking about her. I was soooo temped to screenshot and send it but a these years later what would be the point? I suspect she knew anyway it was just easier to pretend he was telling the truth.
I forgot all about it but occasionally I read something like this pops up or the memory and I feel the same outrage i felt back then.

I know why you're annoyed, he is a cunt and you didn't deserve it. I'm sorry this happened to you and that his lie cost you so much but I don't think you should bother contacting them

takeiteasybuttakeit Sat 23-Sep-17 09:44:26

LokisLover yes, it was pretty awful and I'm grateful for my dh's character that he wasn't persuaded by this man...I have to say it did have some impact on us as a couple because there was so much upset and we were pretty isolated socially for a while. But luckily I've a good strong circle of friends now, and as I said I moved on. I do puzzle about it now and then, and think I must have been collateral damage in something that was going on between that man and my friend. Who knows!

Mittens1969 Sat 23-Sep-17 09:46:01

If it's secondary there's a good chance you'll never even see them at all. Best to completed avoid any contact at all. If your DS gets any grief about it (and yes that is sadly possible, though very unlikely) then you can cross that bridge when you come to it.

Tbh, the whole episode casts them in a very bad light so my thinking is that they'll be keen for it not to come to light.

But I'm so sorry you went through all that.

Paddington68 Sat 23-Sep-17 09:46:44

Old wounds never heal if you pick at them. Do not contact.

Winteriscomingneedmorewood Sat 23-Sep-17 09:48:04

Why feed his ego by letting him know this still affects you?

Butterymuffin Sat 23-Sep-17 09:48:22

Don't change your son's school over this if he's happy with it. Hold your head high and ignore them. You did nothing wrong. Don't write to them, they don't deserve the attention. Treat the accusation with the contempt it deserves. If it should ever come up with anyone, just say they made up lies about you and you're baffled as to why they did it but hey, some people are like that <shrug shoulders, change subject>. I highly doubt this will happen though as they'd be aware it will make them look odd.

Kualabear Sat 23-Sep-17 09:50:56

If you do bump into them just say ' you're that shit faced liar that fantasised about me so much you had to make up a lie that I asked you for a shag'

takeiteasybuttakeit Sat 23-Sep-17 09:51:17

NoFucksImAQueen that's terrible, I was so naive really, I couldn't believe people could act like this but see now that this kind of thing has happened others.
MyrtleMaracas the friends didn't quite take his side, but as the main friends were his two sils they were a bit compromised by the whole thing. One of them stayed friends with me for a while but we never mentioned the whole incident. Then her dd asked out loud why my ds didn't come to her birthday party (clearly he hadn't been invited due to the 'situation' and as the man's kids would have been there) and I said to the mum that I was still appalled about what happened and the friendship fizzled out from then on.

MarchEliza Sat 23-Sep-17 09:52:17

Do you know for sure that they're still together? If he behaves like this I'm guessing it won't have been an isolated incident and people may have wished up to him in the intervening years.

To answer the question- I would keep clear. He sounds very unhinged.

Chewbecca Sat 23-Sep-17 09:52:40

No, don't contact, there is nothing to be gained.

If you bump into them be brief and polite, nothing more than hello then move on / look the other way. Don't even say 'how are you'.

x2boys Sat 23-Sep-17 09:55:18

to be fair op the sils probably had to take his side out of family loyalty if one tried to stay friends then they probably didnt beleive him but bloods thicker then water etc.

OuaisMaisBon Sat 23-Sep-17 09:57:44

I second, or third, or fourth, the idea of writing the letter, re-reading it, perfecting it to your satisfaction, and then tearing it up and binning it. I also wonder if they are still together as there must have been something going on between them for this accusation to have been levelled at you. If you do have the misfortune to come across them at secondary school, ignore them as if you didn't recognize them.

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