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Trouble getting over my ex

(29 Posts)
Alicej34 Fri 22-Sep-17 22:07:14

Hi all I'm looking for a bit of maybe advise or support unsure really what to be honest 🤕 Was with my partner for 8 years when I explain the sorry your probably going to be thinking what was this girl even thinking anyway here goes.. he was nine years older than me when e met he was cool I suppose kind of dangerous in a way. The guy had five kids... to two different woman the fifth child was on its way when we met. But I fell in love with him. He span a lot of lies at the beginning to make himself seem like a good guy. Howvere as time went on I realised he didn't really give a crap about his children and barely sorry them never mind pay for them. We had quite a volatile relationship. He drank a lot and as I was young I suppose so did I. He used cocaine every weekend and like to party, which I unfortunately did too being naive at the time I suppose. Anyway we were constantly splitting up getting back together arguing all he time. Anyway two years ago my father died he was an alcoholic and it affected me quite a lot to the point that I suppose I didn't want to party anymore. I returned to university started to study again and started to feel like I was going somewhere. By the time my partner wasn't 35 and he did not want to grow up. He quit his job said it was stressful and he couldn't handle it bearing in mind I worked full time and went to university for full time whilst he stopped working for around a year. He continued to use drugs not on a daily basis but at weekends, all weekend. He would turn his phone off all weekend and just disappear. He did it on Christmas Day for two days left me at home on my own the first Christmas after my dad had passed away. He did it when I fell ill and ended up in hospital, he just walked out the house and didn't come home for four days by this time I was discharged from hospital and better again and he knew non the wiser and he clearly did not care. And the lies he told all he time....he'd go to the shop and come back high and blatantly lie to my face saying he swears on his kids life he hasn't taken anything. I'm thinking oh the kids you don't care or pay for them
Kids? He drove me insane I actually thought I lost my mind at one point. So anyway end of story this is a very shortened version obviously as this happened over an 8 year period. But I ended it with him! I thought he would change mine grow up!! But he didn't even try! He basically told me he isn't going to stop taking drugs and doesn't see it as an issue basically saying I'm overreacting over his drug use and I caused him to go the way he did. Anyway so now I'm back at my mums as I couldn't afford to pay bills on my own and I find out he's now met someone else like two weeks after we broke up!!!!! And I'm sat here heartbroken after we wee together for eight years and he just clearly obviously did not love me enough to change. Apparently his new girlfriend is a party girl so I assume this is what the guy wants but it still doesn't make it any easier
For me to move on. I suppose I don't even know what I'm asking as when I type I know iv done the right thing I think I'm just struggling coming to terms with it as he promised he'd always look after me however liking back I think all he did was drag me down and he was just very good at minipulating me 🤕

TroelsLovesSquinkies Fri 22-Sep-17 22:21:21

You're better off out of it, probably won't feel that way but eventually it will get better. You will look back on it and wonder why you wasted 8 years on this loser.

Alicej34 Fri 22-Sep-17 22:24:38

Yes I know I'm a way I suppose I feel sorry for him I mean he's pushing on forty and still going on benders every weekend. Quite sad really but I suppose I spent so long with him as I thought he'd change. He's now dragging his new girlfriend down with him and I feel sorry for her also as she has no idea what she has let herself in for .....

PuntasticUsername Fri 22-Sep-17 22:28:19

Wow, he's an idiot and a nasty piece of work. You're well shot of that.

Alicej34 Fri 22-Sep-17 22:35:06

I know I think I'm just angry that he can just walk away with no cares after everything he's done and he cards on like normal and moved onto joanne by victim. Feel like I'm waiting for him to do the same to her so I can say I was right! 😂

Winteriscomingneedmorewood Fri 22-Sep-17 22:38:21

You have had a lucky escape. . Now you can find a new dp who is happy in your company without the need for drugs. .
I would fell quite insulted if i wasn't enough for my dh!

BlessYourCottonSocks Fri 22-Sep-17 22:40:33

But you knew he could walk away with no cares. And he will do the same to her. He's done it to at least two women before you - and five kids. He doesn't honestly give a shit about anyone except himself.

He's a complete waste of space. Don't waste any more of your time or thoughts on him. You have the opportunity to do so much more without him dragging you down.

Alicej34 Fri 22-Sep-17 22:40:55

Yeah i did loose a lot of confidence I suppose I always felt second best. Yes good point

Alicej34 Fri 22-Sep-17 22:44:59

Yes I think I always knew deep down he was useless but I loved him non the loss. however towards the end I hated him for everything he did he only cared about going out nothing else other than that I tried to take is away a lot away from his friends told him to stop hanging around with the friends he was with he'd just make new Druggie friends funny how these people all cling together.

LilaoftheGreenwood Fri 22-Sep-17 22:46:05

Your world of pain is over, OP, hers is only just beginning, the poor cow.

Think of all the energy you put into him, managing him, managing your own feelings when he fucked everything up, sorting out his life and your relationship single-handedly. Now imagine putting all that energy into yourself, your life, YOUR future.

It will still hurt because the heart is a bastard like that, but you know you're well rid, and the next bit of your life is going to be exciting.

OnlyGodKnowsWhy Fri 22-Sep-17 22:50:30

Hi OP

Guys like him do a number on you. They look for vulnerable girls and they are ridiculously charming to begin with, but can't keep it up, especially with drugs involved.

I was with one of these on and off for five years. Older than me too. I was absolutely besotted. After about six months, I caught him snoring coke at a party. We broke up lots too, always at his instigation, someone commented on my fb profile, I was cheating, in his head. I said something and he would twist it to have an excuse to walk about. Oddly enough it would be a four day job too and phone would be off.

Time and time again I took him back. After I apologised for my supposed bad behaviour of course.

He also had children and also didn't have to do with them or pay for them.

Eventually I ended up very depressed and one night at a party, I took a legal high. I never went near drugs and was very against them, I think I was just very drunk, very miserable and be that stage, easily pressured. It nearly killed me.

I had a breakdown shortly afterward and it was then that the crisis team began to throw about the term mental abuse. I wouldn't accept it at all. As I got better I ended up taking him back again. And again. It was a horrible cycle that I didn't have the strength to break and he knew it.

Anyways, I did eventually break free and despite everything he put me through, it was hard. He treated my like dirt but I had properly loved him. You don't just get over that. It takes time as it will do for you, but you will move on and meet someone so worth it.

I'm with my DH now and every day he does lovely little things like put my phone on charge for me, warm a towel when I'm in the shower, brings me coffee in the morning. You will find someone like this too.

This horrible person that you have finished with, he won't ever be happy and this lassie he has got with will just go through all the things you did.

Look up narcissist. I bet he is one. Well done for getting away x

WiseDad Fri 22-Sep-17 22:52:55

OP you don't need a project fixer upper man. You need a nice two up two down with a stable foundation and running water type of guy.

Pick whomsoever you want as a partner but you now recognise that sometimes the attractive ones are bad boys. If you ex can get what he wants and needs from anyone then his need for you wasn't that strong. You correctly realise you are going to e putting more in than him.

You did a good thing. Stick to it. Stopping a relationship is hard on the heart but do something new, do something different. Just do anything and soon your heart will be full again.

Good luck.

Alicej34 Fri 22-Sep-17 22:53:34

Thanks all xxxxx I don't really now how I walked away after so long of taking his crap and his lies. I was so stupid for so long I really don't know where I got the courage to finally leave as I was weak for such a long time! I must say I haven't cried as much as I did when we were together which is only a good thing. It's just a shame he won't admit he has a drug and alcohol problem as he sees it as recreational and not an addiction. Howvere towards the end he was doing it during the week whilst I was at work and also in my family's company at family party's and even a Children's Christmas pantomime. The guy had no limits and no respect for me. He used to lie to my face even after I'd caught him out and I'd be thinking have I gone mental??!! When he'd disappear I'd be driving round like a mad woman going from pub to pub trying to find him I just wanted to kill him! He didn't see it as a problem. He's cause arguments on purpose so he could storm off to the pub and then bam I wouldn't see him for another two days. He'd come home and blame my attitude saying I was nagging him. He was soooo manipulative.

Alicej34 Fri 22-Sep-17 22:58:16

Thanks for all your comments it's nice to see other people have also been in the same situation as me. thinking about it I think I am moving forward as towards the end of the relationship I was thinking if only he would stop taking the drugs and leaving me he would be perfect. Now I'm thinking he was also very selfish, not a good father, didn't have any hobbies or interests, didn't want anything out of life.. so my eyes are slowly becoming clearer as one goes by xxxx

LilaoftheGreenwood Fri 22-Sep-17 22:59:56

Have you had any counselling, or could you get some? You have basically been in an abusive relationship, so it's definitely something the NHS could offer counselling for although waiting lists may be long. It feels like you are bursting with things you need to talk about.

His behaviour sounds horrendous, I don't even know where to start.

Alicej34 Fri 22-Sep-17 23:01:01

OnlyGodKnowsWhy Funny you should say that it always ended up being me who apologised afternoon he dissapeared 😱

Alicej34 Fri 22-Sep-17 23:02:08

LilaoftheGreenwood I'm on the waiting list for counselling yes I know sorry I'm rambling.

LilaoftheGreenwood Fri 22-Sep-17 23:03:46

Don't worry, ramble on! brew

Alicej34 Fri 22-Sep-17 23:05:43

Well that's it in a nutshell really not a very nice Man. But was very clever on how he acted.

OnlyGodKnowsWhy Fri 22-Sep-17 23:26:08

He will not change. Not for anyone. I used to think exactly the same, if I held in there long enough he would be the lovely guy he could be when he wanted to be, all the time. It won't happen.

Every time I took my own loser back, I may as well just have said, carry on treating me like shit because I'm willing to put up with it.

Oh the embarrassment too, with family and friends. One minute all happy I was back with him, the next gutted because we were over again. I looked a right fool.

cherryontopp Fri 22-Sep-17 23:36:53

He sounds exactly like my ex.

I met him when he had a 2 year old and one on the way. He spun me a load of lies saying his ex had trapped him with the first one and then when she knew he was gonna leave, again with 2nd. I fell in love.

It came apparent, he wasn't the father I thought. Didn't like the hard work of parenting, just the fun parts.
Compulsive liar.

Anyways, i soon seen the light after 3 years and left him. He moved on to someone else within 4 weeks. Then he cheated on her with the one he's with now.

It's frustrating and upsetting. You can't turn off your feelings for someone. But you are sooo lucky to get away you really are. Before you have this losers 6th kid.

He's not a good father, boyfriend so you'll just be miserable. That poor lass will see through the lies eventually.

Put it down to bad experience, don't let it piss you off and eat you up. What's done is done. Move on and you'll find someone so much better like I did grin

Alicej34 Sat 23-Sep-17 08:49:47

Thank so all for your comments. And yes I do think he is a narsassist also he says the about his five children that he was also trapped five times and he never really loved them. That They all cheated on him and he did nothing wrong. Turns out Iv now found out he was the cheater, he just walked away from each one and moved onto his next victim. I'm sure you are all right and if just takes time. Just frustrating how Iong it took me to realise what a compulsive liar he really was. Xxxx

honeylulu Sat 23-Sep-17 08:57:37

Sounds like a lucky escape. What a horrible human being he sounds. Thank you're lucky stars you didn't get pregnant by him.

PenelopeStoppit Sat 23-Sep-17 09:57:13

When I got divorced I felt my life was over. It felt like I had lost everything and I had to move back into my parents' house in my mid thirties. I know I was lucky to be able to do this but I didn't feel lucky at the time. I remember my dad saying to me that in a year my life would be better. I said he couldn't possibly know that and it was rubbish. He was right though. A year later I had met a lovely man who I now have a baby with, a home with and we are engaged. Life is a thousand times happier. I have mentioned that comment to my dad recently, saying what luck it was that he was right but he said that it wasn't luck, that there are plenty of kind people out there who want to meet each other so it was inevitable. My mantra at the time became, I will look back on this in a year... You too will be much happier in a year. It may seem a long time but it flies by OP. Keep thinking about what you have that can't be taken from you too- knowing I had qualifications and excellent work references, which no man could take from me, made me feel a whole lot better too. He could take my house, my car, my dog but he couldn't take those things!

Alicej34 Sat 23-Sep-17 10:24:30

PenelopeStoppit Well done I'm moving on you should be very proud. I know I am lucky as I am also in the same boat nearly thirty loving with my my mum again howvere it has been a god send as I would of been stuck otherwise. I don't know why I keep thinking this but I keep thinking was what he did so bad? Maybe it's because he brainwashed me for years making it out like it was all my fault and what he did was normal. Strange how the mind works.

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