..to be fed up with my mum

[Meanme]

So for as long as I can remember (I'm heading towards 40!), ive been there for her emotionally. I had a horrendous early start to life, but my earliest memories r of comforting my mum , not being comforted myself. It has never been ok in my relationship with my mum, for me to express any low mood or negative emotion. She always said I was 'happy', but never allowed me to be openly anything other. My mother on the other hand has always been v emotionally volatile. She is often suicidal (and has told me many many times since I was very very young that she wants to kill herself). Every conversation I have with her she expresses her vulnerabilty and how awful life is for her, and how it's a struggle to stay alive and not end it. However, she's never allowed me to tell her my vulnerabilities - if I did, she might actually top herself. My brother also has significant mental health probs - so I'm the perceived super-human who gets throughout life perfectly fine! and who never needs support.

I was bulimic for about 15 years in my teens and twenties -NO-ONE in my family knows. They know nothing about my emotional world. They think I'm perfect. But mostly I just think they don't care about me - they, especially my mum, is too self absorbed to ever care about me, and I'm getting fed up.

I remember one time when I was about 20 - I was in a car crash on a motorway - quite serious, car a right-off, but I was ok. I called my mum from the knackered drivers seat - I was shaking and scared. It was about 11pm. She said she was in bed, couldn't handle any stress, and to phone her ex. She didn't even ask if I was ok. She was angry her sleep had been disturbed. It's one of only two times in my life I've ever asked for her help.

Mum is now in 70s. She has a bad heart and several other problems. I don't call as much as I should and she was annoyed tonight when I tried to call, that I have been neglecting her and haven't called (although I have texted) for about a week.

I am really upset tonight. (She obviously doesn't know that as not something u can tell my mum.) I am just really sad that I have spent my entire life worrying about and being there for my mum, playing the role of mother to her. But she knows nothing about me and has never supported me.

Sorry, not really an AIBU. Just a teary rant!! I do love my mum a lot, but just wish she would b less self centred ! (Ironically, my sil said the other day 'your mum has done so much for other people all her life' - (so Way off sil!!) and that's the story she tells! She acts the martyr. She has got a caring side! but I have only very very rarely been on the receiving a end of it.

I'm old enough to stop letting this get to me! But I know I have many more years of this. In fact will probably only get worse as she's moving near me and as she ages there will b more vulnerability etc.. and more expectation on me to look after her (sorry I sound selfish)

[bridgetreilly]

Poor you. You don't sound at all selfish. You sound like someone who has been emotionally abused for many years and is just about at the end of their tether.

I would consider setting some hard lines for your interactions with your mother. Decide how many times you are willing to speak with her (once a week is plenty, could be less) and then stick to it. Don't answer if she calls, just call when it is a good time for you. Decide how long the conversation will be and when the time is up say you have to go and hang up. When she moves nearer to you, set hard lines about visiting.

You do not have to sacrifice your own mental health and general wellbeing for a parent who has never parented you.

[Butterymuffin]

You don't have to look after her when it gets to that point. Just remember that. Plenty of people don't.

Do you have other people in your life to lean on? Who else knows about your bulimia?

[Meanme]

Thanks bridge and buttery

I have a lovely husband and dc's. I care so much about my dc's. I can't imagine ever telling them i want to kill myself. I can't understand how my own mum thought that was ok when I was a tiny child. I remember rows in the night between her and her partner. When I was very young (and continuing thru adolesence) she would drive off after these rows saying she was going to drive into a river or take an overdose. She assumed I wasn't listening (really??? How could she be so ignorant). If she was planning to kill herself, why did she never check on me and my siblings before she drove off? Why didn't she say bye. How did she think I might feel if she hadn't returned. Ggggrrrr

Bulimia - my husband knows because I mentioned it once, but I have never discussed it. No one else knows. It was pretty serious - vomiting several times a day. Starving up to a week at a time. I remember taking food out of the bins! I was so out of control! I even once poured paint on the food in the bin to stop myself taking it out again! ... and then I did take it out and wiped the paint off!!! How horrible is that!??? And my mother knows nothing. Zip. Zero. I've recovered from the bulimia now. It had a hold on me for a long time, but no more.

[FenceSitter01]

This is the saddest thread I've read in a long time . I didn't want to read and run.

I guess your mother just isn't emotionally equipped to deal with life.

[NotTheCoolMum]

R/raisedbynarcissists. Changed my life

[Meanme]

Thanks fence

I'm sorry you feel sad, but thank you for caring enough to feel sad. I know u have no idea who I am, but it's nice to know someone cares!

You r right about my mum. I love her. I feel deeply deeply sorry for her. She cannot manage life and never has. I guess that makes me feel all the moregulty for feeling angry with her! but I can't help also feeling that way!

[Meanme]

Thanks notthecoolmum (I'm not either!!), I'll look it up!

(Last post should have said 'more guilty' not 'morrgulty', sorry)

[ItsInTheDogsMouth]

didn't want to read and run. Sorry your mum is so shit, time to prioritise yourself. As pp said upthread, decide how much time/energy you feel able to give her and stick to it. Do not get sucked in to her drama.

[Butterymuffin]

It's a very sad thing to realise that you don't have, and will never have, a mum who cares about you and puts you first. You have survived that but it's still a loss. Fortunately you have your own DC to make a difference with - my DH is very happy to be able to be the kind of dad he missed out on himself, who will say 'I love you' and so on. However, you're still having deal with your actual mum. I think bridget has made some good suggestions about setting boundaries above. The Stately Homes threads about abusive parents might also be useful for you. And have you thought about looking for a counsellor who you could talk this over with and offload? Might also be helpful to talk through the bulimia if you haven't already.

[Meanme]

Thanks buttery. I'll check out those threads. I will think about being more boundaried with mum, but I worry such a lot about her and she draws me in so easily it will be hard.

Yes I'd like to see a counsellor but can't afford it at the moment. I can't go nhs because I don't have any particular diagnosis (and my bulimia is now historic), and I also work in the caring profession, so don't want my professional reputation damaged. I will try to save for something private though, as I think I need to talk my life through with someone.

[Larrytheleprechaun]

Oh Meanme, so much of your post is so familiar to me. Its only as I get older that I realise how much my mother has put on me and I am not saying that as a "poor me" thing. I remember her telling me as a small child how she KNEW she would die at 39, I spent several years of my childhood petrified of her turning 39. Shes still here. Since as far back as I remember I have always felt responsible for her health, her emotional health, her happiness. Being so worried I get on the wrong side of her favour (she picks a child a week who is in favour and rips the rest of us apart). Its all made about her - family rows, pregnancy outside marriage (big deal at the time but it was all about how SHE felt). My father, on oxygen, very ill was still "not as bad as her". My brothers suicide attempt was ALL about her, nevermind him. And as for being a martyr. Oh God. I think she invented the word. I love her but Jesus Christ I could go on all day. I have no advice, but I get it. I really do.

[Larrytheleprechaun]

God I feel so guilty to have written that :(

[Meanme]

Oh Larry ... snap! and snap with the guilt thing too :) (but please don't feel guilty for what you wrote) I'm sorry you've been through what you have, but it is also nice to know I'm not alone. You could be me! Xx

[Meanme]

"as far back as I remember I have always felt responsible for her health, her emotional health, her happiness. Being so worried I get on the wrong side of her favour (she picks a child a week who is in favour and rips the rest of us apart). Its all made about her"

• yes! Yes! Exactly that for me too x

[Skittlesandbeer]

Hi. Wanted to share that I've recently changed my contact pattern with my mum, and it's been a revelation!

I did it with the help of a counsellor, and doing a lot of reading on the topics of getting yourself 'out of the fog', practicing Medium Chill, and how Parentification affects children.

I set my boundaries very clearly with mum, in writing, and I follow through on them. I actually don't expect her to pay them much heed, and that's ok. Once my fog about her lifted, my stress over her (past and present) lifted too. My expectations of her (loving me, getting her shit together because she cares about me, telling the truth, acting out of something other than self-interest, etc) have faded significantly. I know that my job is keep up with my own mental health strategies, and offer a different childhood to my kid. That is all.

My counsellor was clear that I'd gotten into the habit (and been unhealthily encouraged to) help, manage, substitute and make up for lots of things in mums life. Somewhere I got the message that I had success in this, almost a superpower. What kid wouldn't be proud they were being so much more 'grown up' than the grown ups? That is wrong thinking.

As they say in the addiction game,
I didn’t cause it
I can’t cure it
I can’t control it.

What a bloody revelation that is! So, the thinking goes, if I can't make a blind bit of difference, what am I wringing my hands over and using my precious energy on? Pouring all this effort into a relationship that's effectively an endless, pointless chasm of her need and pain? I am not helping her so what am I doing? Martyrdom?

Now I have a clear contract with myself around what I will and won't do for her (down to how many minutes I'll listen on a phone call). When the time's up I breezily end the contact (no drama) and go about MY day.

With that extra time and brain space I do things (guilt-free) that have at least a chance of success or joy.

Even with little money for counselling, there's a whole interweb of great resources out there for people in our position. I recommend a purposeful commitment to studying, with a notebook beside you. You can't predict when the fog will start to lift, but it almost always does! Good luck!

[redsquirrel2]

So sorry you are upset tonight OP and that you've had such a bad time with your M over the years. You are absolutely not selfish at all, she is the selfish one. You owe her nothing really, and yet you sound like you really care about her, you are an amazing person. I would strongly urge you to get counselling, you really sound like you have a lot of unresolved issues, and some of these will worsen as your mum's health deteriorateds.