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To not be blamed when I can't remember petty lies people want me to tell?

(49 Posts)
CherryChasingDotMuncher Fri 22-Sep-17 19:44:27

My mum lives abroad and is coming over for a visit next month. We live close to her dad, my grandad. They have a weird relationship, he’s 84 and really seems to get on her nerves, she says she can’t stand him. They don’t have an overtly bad relationship as far as I’m aware, and he’s done a lot for her over the years (such as bought her houses and cars). To me he’s not a bad guy in the least, we are very close, he overshares his ailments a bit but that just part and parcel of being elderly?

Anyway, she told me that she’s not telling him that she’s coming over. She might contact him when she’s here she says. Which TBH makes it a bit awkward for us as we see him twice a week, it would feel odd to have my mum staying, then to go over to grandad’s and not mention anything.

We went for a meal with him tonight and DH let slip that Mum is arriving next month. I hadn’t told him that she was keeping it a secret from him.

I text mum to warn her that grandad knows and she’s flew off the handle! Says that now she’ll have a long list of things she’ll be expected to do, that he’ll want to spend a couple of days with her etc and that I can’t be trusted to keep secrets.

TBH it’s not a ‘secret’ I wanted to keep, it was a lie I was expected to be part of. I can’t stand being asked to keep petty little things from people, things that don’t matter, and I forget who is supposed to know what (Mum is terrible for this). AIBU to think it’s not my fault that this ‘secret’ got out?

teaandtoast Fri 22-Sep-17 19:47:49

Fil always has a list of things for dh to do and on top of that, half the time he is berating dh for being late or not seeing him enough.
Tbh, I can see your mum's point of view.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Fri 22-Sep-17 19:49:44

YANBU

I'll state the obvious - lying is wrong and you're not supposed to do it and I hate that the majority of mumsnetters think its ok.

sonjadog Fri 22-Sep-17 19:50:53

I think you could have respected your Mum's wishes. It's not just a little petty thing, it's something that she asked you to do to make her life easier. I would be hurt if I were her that you couldn't make the effort for her to keep your mouth shut.

DarthMaiden Fri 22-Sep-17 19:53:15

Your mum is an adult and she, not you, owns the relationship she has with her father.

It’s not up to you to cover up any lies she wants to tell.

IWantAPinkHouse Fri 22-Sep-17 19:53:26

I get this from my dm as
well. She also likes to tell me things that other people have told her in confidence so I have to pretend not to know.

I have started to pull her up on this by saying that I don't want to know because if the other person wanted me too then they would tell me themselves.

CherryChasingDotMuncher Fri 22-Sep-17 20:00:37

sonjadog i did keep my mouth shut

HerRoyalNotness Fri 22-Sep-17 20:03:31

sonja. It was the DH who mentioned, not the OP!!

Bad form of your mother. Up to her if she doesn't want to visit him or not, but she should have fronted up and told him that herself rather than trying to hide her visit

Winteriscomingneedmorewood Fri 22-Sep-17 20:03:54

Tell her if she is mad to moan to your dh not to you!!

CherryChasingDotMuncher Fri 22-Sep-17 20:03:57

I agree NotSuch I hate lying it unsettles me and I find it crazy that people do it on such a whim! When she said that she wasn’t gonna tell him about her visit I did say that Ihope he doesn’t ask me when you’re next coming then as I don’t do lies well

CherryChasingDotMuncher Fri 22-Sep-17 20:05:18

winter it’s not really fair on him as I didn’t let him in on the lie, so he didn’t know that he was supposed to keep schtum. She’s mad at me for not briefing him! It didn’t even occur to me!

dudsville Fri 22-Sep-17 20:08:33

It's your mum's situation, not yours. She didn't need to ask you to keep a secret. She could just as easily squared up to her own situation and worked out how to manage without involving you.

sonjadog Fri 22-Sep-17 20:10:53

Her husband told him because the OP didn't tell him not to. It's not his fault. The OP chose to ignore her Mother's wishes by not telling him to keep quiet about it.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 22-Sep-17 20:17:24

I do hope you told her to get to fuck when she kicked off! I hope you didn't apologise to her.

You shouldn't have texted to warn her. That makes you part of the conspiracy.

You say you don't want to be part of her web of lies but then you behave like a willing participant.

There is an easy way to stop deceitful people involving you in their nasty little plots: always always tell the "secret" and say where you heard it. Lots. Out the fuckers to those they are deceiving. Get yourself banned from the conspiracy circle.

SusanTheGentle Fri 22-Sep-17 20:28:09

I hate lying for other people, even by omission. I don't think you're being unreasonable in this situation, but in future I think you need to tell your mum that you can't keep these lies straight and you're not going to be a part of it.

She needs to set her own boundaries with him without dragging you in to it.

CherryChasingDotMuncher Fri 22-Sep-17 20:32:59

sonja do you think it’s fair to drag other people into a lie?

Run ha that’s a good idea! I practically do that anyway, I forget what I’m not supposed to tell people half the time.

I think from now on I need to be firm and tell people I won’t be part of this. Really irks me to have to keep up with who knows what!

LadyPeterWimsey Fri 22-Sep-17 20:34:44

I'll state the obvious - lying is wrong and you're not supposed to do it and I hate that the majority of mumsnetters think its ok.

So much yes to this. I have a relative who lies continually to the point of fraud, and we are expected to condone it or at least look the other way. Lying hurts relationships and a truthful person (who speaks the truth in a loving way) is someone to aspire to be, and someone to be treasured.

sonjadog Fri 22-Sep-17 20:38:15

I would do it for family, yes, in a case like this. When it was important to them.

I understand that you don't think it is fair, and that is of course your choice. I guess your mum will now know not to trust you with secrets in future.

Purplemac Fri 22-Sep-17 20:40:56

I don't think YABU at all. I have a brother like this, who expects people to lie for his sake - sometimes about him cheating or seeing other girls casually and sometimes its over minor things that most people wouldnt think twice about and it's fucking ridiculous. If she doesn't want to see him she doesn't have to, but why does she have to make it a big secret?!

DJBaggySmalls Fri 22-Sep-17 20:51:52

Yanbu. No one should involve other people like that, and blaming you for something you didnt even do is ridiculous.

Madwoman5 Fri 22-Sep-17 20:54:15

She doesn't have to do anything when she visits. If she wants to see him then fine, her decision. If she doesn't then again that is her decision. Stop feeling like you have to apologise. Just tell her she is a grown woman who can choose what she does and does not do but you are not being dragged in by her or your gd into their stupid pointless games. Stand your ground as he will ask you when, where and how, just defer to her. Btw, I would not stand for my gd telling my dh off for petty stuff. That needs knocking on the head!

TinselTwins Fri 22-Sep-17 21:01:56

Whilst I do more of less agree, I think that most ex pats would somewhat sympathise with your mum! Sometimes you really need to spend some chilled time on visits home and not do the obligatory "rounds", and people who haven't lived abroad do not generally respond well to that if you try to explain that this trip is going to be a non visiting trip and just a holiday! So sometimes the only way to have a HOLIDAY in your home country is to not tell people your travel plans.

HappenedForAReisling Fri 22-Sep-17 21:05:29

sonjadog you seem very insistent on blaming OP at any stretch.

are you OP's mother?

diddl Fri 22-Sep-17 21:13:26

Do you & your GD talk about your mum a lot?

I think it's a situation where I wouldn't deliberately mention it as it seems that your husband did, but if asked directly I wouldn't lie.

mathanxiety Fri 22-Sep-17 21:15:34

You should look up triangulation.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangulation_(psychology)

...and don't get caught up in it. It is very unhealthy.

Your mum needs to communicate with her dad herself.

Tell her you are sorry she feels the way she does, but that it is not your problem.

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