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to think that DH should see his own SON on his birthday?!

(58 Posts)
whaaaaaaaaat Fri 22-Sep-17 14:53:54

DH had a son from a previous marriage when we met. His DS is severely autistic and now lives in a care home kind of place. His son is 18 but acts/comprehends about the same as a 3 year old. He doesn't like many people but absolutely loves his Daddy. When he lived with his mum and we had him to stay at weekends he would be so excited to see him he would be talking about it all day!

It's DSS's birthday today. I reminded DH earlier in the week. We've come to friday already and I'd forgotten about it until just now. DH is out (at the pub?). He hasn't sent DSS a card or a present. He hasn't arranged to go visit. He hasn't even phoned up so say happy birthday.

His visits to see DSS have been getting less and less frequent which I put down to us having 3 kids of our own, but it's been ridiculous lately – he's gone hardly at all, and only after I reminded him a few times. This time just takes the biscuit. I'd love to visit myself but there are various difficulties that mean that it's awkward right now. I would've sent him something, had I known!

DDS is about 35 mins drive away, btw. And DH is out of work (partly through choice) at the mo so has plenty of free time on his hands. sad

whaaaaaaaaat Fri 22-Sep-17 14:56:35

Oh... and the irony about this whole situation is that DH used to work in a home similar to this, and spent a good portion of the time bemoaning the fact that most of the parents of the residents couldn't be bothered to come see their own kids, not even on their birthdays. How it was a crying shame that most of the time they didn't even visit their own children.

Chilver Fri 22-Sep-17 15:01:14

I would remind him of his previous sentiments: 'spent a good portion of the time bemoaning the fact that most of the parents of the residents couldn't be bothered to come see their own kids, not even on their birthdays. How it was a crying shame that most of the time they didn't even visit their own children.

lauryloo Fri 22-Sep-17 15:15:08

That's very sad op

MissionItsPossible Fri 22-Sep-17 15:15:28

The poor son. I hope he (the dad) is feeling very guilty though I doubt it if he's at the pub.

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 22-Sep-17 15:20:23

I've also worked with people with learning disabilities. He doesn't like many people but absolutely loves his Daddy. That really made me sad. Because the people I worked with who only had a few people they really liked, when they saw them, it was so lovely. He could make a real and important difference in this young man's life and he is choosing not to.

I'd find it very hard to be with a man that selfish and cold.

Hisnamesblaine Fri 22-Sep-17 15:20:54

Bang out of order. Does his ex wife express her feelings bout this?

Purplemac Fri 22-Sep-17 15:21:10

Is there any way the residential home would allow for you to send a taxi for your DSS so he could come to you? Awful to be alone on his 18th birthday.

whaaaaaaaaat Fri 22-Sep-17 16:58:08

I texted DH earlier to remind him about it and ask if he was visiting. He said he is sending a card (i.e. hasn't sent it yet) and will take a present to him next week sometime. I said something like, 'why are you even still here, go see him now!' but got no reply, and later after picking up the kids from school I came home with them and he was here. I hope the actual date doesn't mean anything to DSS, but it may do. Whether he'll twig that daddy wasn't there, I don't know. Not that he would know how to express his response to that. sad

Dh had the grace to look embarrassed when I asked him about it and he mumbled something about forgetting what the date was because he never knows what date it is nowadays. I commented that he'd unhelpfully avoided replying to my second text and he said he didn't know what to say so didn't reply. I suggested that a suitable answer would've been, "ok, I'll go see him now, then"...

Ex wife hasn't really had any contact with us since DSS went to the care home, so I don't know her feelings on this. She never seemed the type to tell DH what to do though. Although if I ever asked about anything to do with DH and DSS she would happily offer advice/ask me to prompt DH to do stuff. Nowadays I know where she's coming from - as his wife, asking DH to do anything doesn't work...

purple Sorry, typo, it's his 19th birthday.

Dumdedumdum Fri 22-Sep-17 17:00:43

Well he'll be going tomorrow now won't be?

teaortequila23 Fri 22-Sep-17 17:16:46

Maybe he's upset and in denial that his son has ended up there.... maybe just sit down and have a calm conversation about what's wrong and why he hasn't gone to see him...his poor son that sounds really sad if I were you I would try my best to go visit him as seeing a family member would make him feel like he's not forgotten.

Crunchymum Fri 22-Sep-17 17:26:06

I might be missing the point but why is someone who is out of work down the pub???

He sounds like a prince.

Bet there is a lot more to it than has been posted but already we know he is a workshy, shit dad who is drinking the family money away shock

AlternativeTentacle Fri 22-Sep-17 17:28:19

Wow. I am truly appalled by this.

Butterymuffin Fri 22-Sep-17 17:35:28

Yes, the out of work, down the pub, not seeing his son look is not a good one at all.

Can't he go and buy a present tomorrow and visit then? How involved have your own kids been with their older brother - could they help choose a present, even if they don't go on the visit?

stitchglitched Fri 22-Sep-17 17:36:39

This is really upsetting. I hope your stepson's Mum has visited him so he wasn't alone all day.

Branleuse Fri 22-Sep-17 17:37:44

Thats absolutely awful. That poor boy. Your husband is shit

Can you go see your dss? Is he ok with you?

MissionItsPossible Fri 22-Sep-17 18:02:26

Branleuse OP said there are difficulties that make it hard for them to go there.

Reading this again and OPs other reply I am actually appalled. How can someone be so cruel? And yes, he SHOULD feel embarrassed and ashamed of himself. Twat.

Nanny0gg Fri 22-Sep-17 18:39:54

His visits to see DSS have been getting less and less frequent which I put down to us having 3 kids of our own

Sorry, but that's no bloody excuse either.

How can you have any love or respect for a man that can treat his own son like that?

And if he's out of work, how can he afford the pub?

AngelsSins Fri 22-Sep-17 18:44:17

Oh my god this is heartbreaking. My brother is autistic and in an assisted living flat. I know how lonely he gets sometimes, so I think this behaviour would kill off any love I had for someone.

anothermalteserplease Fri 22-Sep-17 18:57:06

This is awful OP. Your DH is behaving appallingly.

twattymctwatterson Fri 22-Sep-17 18:57:21

I couldn't be with a man who treats his own child like this. OP you realise he could be just as callous to your own kids one day?

Loopytiles Fri 22-Sep-17 18:59:17

Deal breaker.

MyBrilliantDisguise Fri 22-Sep-17 18:59:55

If my son was in care home 30 odd minutes away I'd be there all the time!

TammySwansonTwo Sat 23-Sep-17 06:47:12

This is just heartbreaking. Firstly, I'm sorry that you have to be the one to remind a grown man of his own child's birthday and pester him to see him, but huge respect to you for doing so. I can't imagine how isolated his son must feel honestly, and assuming the home would have acknowledged his birthday some how, he may well be very upset that he didn't see his dad or even get a card. There is genuinely no excuse for this and he should be mortified. I don't care how hard it is for him - he's the adult and parent and needs to grow up. Poor kid. Well done to you for trying and I would keep on at him - must be really upsetting to see him treating his child this way when you have kids together. What's he like with them, and with you?

Chillyegg Sat 23-Sep-17 06:53:36

I couldn't be with someone like that! It really isn't ok! Is there anyway you could go and take your kids to see him

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