To think "WTF" and wonder if my character has been assassinated...(84 Posts)
Posting here because I don't know where else to get it out of my system and I'm shocked, stunned, confused and hurt by a completely out of the blue attack on my personality from someone I hardly know.
I am on the periphery of a social group of folks who meet through a shared activity, some of whom I know better than others. One of these members, with whom I can hardly recall having more than a handful of very bland conversations with and who I know wholeheartedly I have been nothing but civil with started acting quite cold to me last week. I thought nothing of it and when I saw this person today I said hello and asked them how they were. I was not prepared for the response. They came at me aggressively up to my face, angrily contorted, finger wagging and shouted at me, in front of the whole activity group "`never talk to me again. I don't like you, you're rude, insipid (?!) sarcastic and need to engage your brain before you open your mouth". This person then stormed off before I had a chance to respond, leaving me shocked, stunned, and humiliated. So I pursued them and asked them, in as measured a voice as possible to explain what I had done to offend. The reply was the same as the first accusation, no reasons just opinion. And an insistence that I don't come near them, said in a way that made it sound like I was about to attack them. Again this was said in in front of a bunch of others who shuffled around looking embarrassed. I just stated that this person had no right to speak to me like that and walked away, trying to remain dignified.
This is not a stealth post, there will be no further confession later down the thread about anything I ever said to or about this person. I hardly know them and, despite racking my brains, cannot recall any conversation that would portray me in this light. I am utterly flummoxed.
In my opinion this person has always struck me a a bit "highly strung" but I know through mutual friends that they have a lot of problems at home and as a result I have always tried to treat them with kindness and patience. As for "rude" and "sarcastic" there has always been a bit of banter amongst the group which I participate in but I have never had the impression from anyone else (including this individual) that I have ever said anything unacceptable.
I received a message from a mutual friend who overheard the whole sorry incident to ask me what it was all about. They too are clueless. This mutual friend has offered to intervene and enquire as to what the issue is but I'm loathe to get others involved as that never ends well. I kind of want to pull away from the mutual social activity but then I'm the only one that loses out.
I can't help thinking that another individual is involved who dislikes me for whatever reason is behind all this. A few months ago a new member joined the group and has become "besties" with everyone except me (I think the term 'Wendy' has been used here before). All the others are invited to social activities that this person arranges with the conspicuous exception of myself. When others that I am friends with in the group (notwithstanding the two I have mentioned) organise a get together I am frequently included. Again, hand on heart, I have done considerable soul searching and cannot think of any behaviours of mine that would elicit such attitude and, frankly, vitriol. The 'Wendy' strikes me as very needy.
Anyway, so here I am wondering what the feck I have done to deserve this. I can't help feeling something unjustified has been said about me and my character has been smeared. It can't even be a social media thing as today's aggressor doesn't do social media and "Wendy" unfriended me months ago (not that our exchanges were ever anything apart from chat about our shared activity).
The mutual friend that messaged me has given me no cause to think they are involved, in fact they and I are doing an event together tomorrow, just the two of us.
Sorry if I'm ranting, I just need to get this off my chest. I simply don't understand. No direct accusations were made of anything I had done, no reasons given, I was just dressed down very publicly by someone I hardly know. It's not my style to be mean to anyone, I don't see the point. Nobody had ever, ever, accused me of being such in my life before. I'm frustrated because I can't even make amends for some inadvertent slight because I don't know what I'm supposed to have done.
If anyone can make any sense of this or can relate I would be very interested to hear from you.
Thanks for "listening".
Could it be a case of mistaken identity? Someone with the same name as you or a dc?
She sounds quite unhinged tbh.
I would just like to add one thing. Another member of the group was recently bereaved just two days ago, we all knew the deceased. The most affected group member was clearly distressed and had moved away to cry, yet was clearly within earshot of the outburst I received. I am frankly quite horrified at the inappropriateness of the attack at this time and feel dreadful that they had to witness it when they have far worse problems. Again, the bereaved friend has given me no indication that they dislike me. Just confounding.
I'd let your mutual friend find out what's behind it. No need for that to escalate to taking sides on its own, it's what you do with the information that you'd need to be careful with.
I'd be asking the mutual friend to find out, I'm too nosey and no stranger on here is going to know.
Either they are deranged, or from their comments you have said something that's caused extreme offence. The fact you don't know what it was doesn't mean it didn't happen of course, just you'd didn't realise the impact of your words.
Ask the mutual friend to find out. You may as well get to the bottom of it.
Yep, let the mutual friend find out. You can't remain in the dark. Maybe 'kindness and patience' has expressed as patronising? (No excuse obviously)
@AalyaSecura Sound advice, thanks. My DH came up with the "useful advice" of "next time you see her, tell her to fuck off" but my thoughts is that would just galvanise this twisted opinion of me and I wonder if I'm being goaded into responding thus. She wants me to leave her alone I'll do just that. I'm determined to remain the better person and maintain some dignity. If she chooses to attack me again then I'll just walk away. The phrase "give them enough rope" springs to mind.
I’d be asking the mutual friend to find out too.
No one should be spoken to in that manner. You’re clearly not going to get an answer from the person who shot their mouth off at you. I’d have to know.
Seeing as they have a reputation for being highly strung and you have reports that they are in a high stress situation at current, it's perfectly plausible that just the tone of your voice or even facial expression have annoyed them. Not saying it is justified and they will be embarrassed about it but they will pour that embarrassment and stress both now and in the future into hating you because they can't handle the situation they are in. In short you are a scapegoat. Let your friend have a word and there may or may not be anything to find.
Wendy is a bitch and will continue to be a bitch, but the others seem mature in not taking her side and when it's their turn to organise continue to invite you to events.
Thanks everyone so far. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong, I'm big enough to accept that. Maybe there was something in my manner that rubbed them up the wrong way but I don't deserve the vitriol I receive and I believe I deserve an explanation.
I think you need to try to get to the bottom of this because it isn't just going to go away. If the mutual friend can make a few tactful enquiries, they might be able to find out what you are alleged to have done, then you can decide how to proceed from there on
Then ask the mutual friend to find out. Why are you hesitating. It's the only way to find out. None of us can tell you if you are guilty as charged " rude, insensitive and speak without thinking".
Well actually she is all the things she had accused you of and has proved it in the way she yelled at you in front of everyone like that. A mature and measured person would have taken you aside to explain why you had upset them giving you a chance to apologise.
So I would say based on the way she has approached you with this alone that she is the one who has the personality problem and really I don't think you should let it get to you too much (easier said than done I know). If I witnessed this as your friend I would instantly think the other person shouting at you like that was unreasonable and out of order doing it in front of everyone like that so I'm sure your friends feel the same.
I will speak to the friend as they have offered. I just don't want to get into a "he said, she said" scenario. It doesn't seem fair to put an innocent person in the middle. I'm worried that it will transpire that lies have been said at me and the only defence is my own word and integrity. I think I'm on a loser here whatever the outcome.
I won’t lie, OP, I am secretly waiting for the drip feed confession that you have done something astonishingly rude / outrageous
You probably haven't done or said anything directly to Casual Friend.
Sounds very likely that Casual Friend has been TOLD by a third party (possibly your Wendy) that you have said something about them though.
I'd be inclined to let Mutual Friend see what they can find out.
Op, honestly you don't need to get into a he said she said, but if you wish to find out it's the only way. The person is already involved they witnessed it. If you wish to defend your integrity you need to ask.
Personally I'd wonder why you didn't want to know if you refused my offer to find out, especially if your justification was you thought it would be all lies anyway, I'd think you knew and didn't want me to know.
@followthelight I wish I had now!! It would certainly make me more interesting and less "insipid".
Can you actually be insipid as well as rude and sarcastic?
Someone's shit stirring to get you in trouble, and they've chosen the most unhinged person available: they've told her some lie about her saying something to you, and left her locked and loaded to explode at you the next time you say hello.
I'd look to the Wendier - but yes get your mate to have a quiet investigation. And then start making sure people know whatever it is is a lie, and who started it. Get it all out in the open and let sunlight bleach the fuck out of them.
(I am terrible with games like these, it was endemic at my school so I learned the hard way how to play them. I never ever ever start this sort of shit because it's utterly pathetic, but by god will I end it.)
@SusanTheGentle I'd expect this in school but these are women in their 40s and 50s. Sheesh.
How odd. I'd ask the mutual friend to find out
she already has
Sounds like an attention seeker and nothing else, likes a bit of drama and to throw her weight around maybe. I think if you'd done or said anything to cause that reaction (which wasn't even a rational one for an adult lets face it) you'd have at least some idea of what it might be and you don't so it probably never happened.
I totally understand why you want to know what her problem is but if she's gonna act like that I doubt even she herself has a coherent justifiable explanation
It's awful when people do this, I once had this bloke who I vaguely knew shout in my face 'who do you think you are! You ignore me one day then say hello the next you're so up yourself!' I too was very wtf? I only knew him very vaguely, he just wasn't on my radar
Some people just over analyse and come to their own weird conclusions. It was easy for me, this bloke wasn't part of my social circle so I just gave him a wide berth. In your situation I would have to delve a bit maybe. Either shrug and ignore or try to resolve if it impacts on the social activity involved.
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