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Friend fits me in.

(75 Posts)
Dramaqueenbee Fri 22-Sep-17 13:15:27

I have a close friend who has a busy life,3 kids,job etc as a lot of us do. Granted I have more free time than she does but am getting really tired of being fitted in around shopping trips, visits to retail parks to return goods and other necessities, She takes multi tasking to another level! I think what I'm feeling is that she doesn't value my friendship enough to dedicate quality time to. This is making me feel really used/worthless. She often suggests we meet in town and say she she will text me when she is ready to meet for an hour of her precious time and if she (very rarely) suggests a time to meet she will often text to say she is running late. She is a lovely person and very kind and has a lot of friends but I think she spreads herself far too thinly. I have tried to stop making the first move to meet up and she will eventually text to suggest we meet but it's always a flier. I think she knows what she is doing underneath but justifies it by her "busy lifestyle" I would add she has another close friend she manages to meet up with for drinks,meal and full afternoon/evening out every 6-8 weeks or so. If I didn't enjoy her company so much I would just concentrate on other friends who do value my time more.....am I being unreasonable?

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge Fri 22-Sep-17 13:22:19

YABR (Ridiculous).

What right do you have to be fed up of a friend fitting you in around things including 'necessities' ?! Grow up

SaucyJack Fri 22-Sep-17 13:24:59

You like her more than she likes you.

Up to you what (if anything) you want to do about it, but ye cannae change the laws of physics.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 Fri 22-Sep-17 13:25:13

I have a friend like this so I know how you feel - YANBU for feeling the way you do but YABU for not dealing with it - tell her or drop her.

thecatsthecats Fri 22-Sep-17 13:26:47

A little, I think. You can't demand more or less from her, you're not entitled to her time or consideration (not that you shouldn't get it).

You say she spreads herself too thinly - maybe her mental health is on the edge is she's as busy as you say? I have no kids, a FT job and friends who live all over the country, but I NEED my chill time, otherwise I get run down very quickly.

If you fit in with the more casual contact, and you have a good time, then I don't get why you feel like you 'deserve' as much as her other friend - maybe she simply likes her more and that's her only free time to give away?

AuntLydia Fri 22-Sep-17 13:27:52

I have a similar friend. I decided to take a step back from the friendship. I'm not angry with her, she hasn't really done anything wrong - and neither has your friend - but we both wanted different things from the friendship and hanging around waiting for a crumb of attention or friendship was making me feel shit to be honest.

ILoveMillhousesDad Fri 22-Sep-17 13:28:11

Yabu.

She's just not that into you.

Dramaqueenbee Fri 22-Sep-17 13:28:33

Fair enough if that's your opinion. That's what I'm on here for. Do you not see where I'm coming from though? I would like her to put time aside for dinner/ lunch for us to catch up rather than me just being an add on to places she has to go to anyway. I appreciate your honesty as maybe I do need a reality check but my feelings are real and I don't think I'm a childish person.

AuntLydia Fri 22-Sep-17 13:28:45

Yes, what Saucyjack says so succinctly - that's the heart of the matter! It hurts but it's not anyone's fault.

gamerchick Fri 22-Sep-17 13:29:03

Wow triptrap proper ray of sunshine you eh?! confused

Have you told her you would like a proper catch up OP?

gamerchick Fri 22-Sep-17 13:30:02

OP take no notice. This place is bloody weird atm.

bookwormsforever Fri 22-Sep-17 13:30:10

Just say to her what you've said here!

'I feel sad that you don't seem to have time to fit me in to your busy life. I'd love to go out with you for dinner and really catch up properly' and see what she says.

yumchoc Fri 22-Sep-17 13:33:31

I have a very lovely friend just lovely like this
I think of it in a different way she still trying to spend time with you even though she is extremely busy that must count to being a good friend who still sees your value as her friend

barbarahunter Fri 22-Sep-17 13:33:39

I'm afraid that I agree with the others: she isn't that bothered about you. I know how you feel, I had a childhood friend and I really thought we got along but our interests diverged as the years went on, and I belatedly realised that she preferred the company of her newer friends, to me. Bloody cheek confused

Dramaqueenbee Fri 22-Sep-17 13:34:33

AuntLydia I think you seem to have understanding of the situation making me feel shit.... and I also think I probably knew I can't control how she feels and I just have to accept situation. As you say she hasn't done anything wrong... good to hear other people's opinions.

Piewraith Fri 22-Sep-17 13:35:25

YANBU, it's pretty rude of her to basically tell you to wait in town on standby and she may or may not be there at some point.

But you can't make her change, all you can do is decline her open ended offers.

Tilapia Fri 22-Sep-17 13:36:57

What happens if you suggest lunch or dinner? Does she reply and say 'no, I can't do that, but let's meet for an hour instead' or is it usually her doing the suggesting?

If the former, YANBU to feel hurt. As others say I think you like her more than she likes you. You can choose to step back from the friendship.

If the latter, try suggesting a plan which suits you for a change.

Ginslinger Fri 22-Sep-17 13:37:01

I think TripTrap is being a bit mean - my sister is a bit like your friend (not so much with me but with her friends). I would suggest being honest with her - next time she suggests meeting up within her errands tell her that you would really prefer to have lunch or do something and not be added in to the list of things to get done. If she doesn't like it then you just part ways but at least you know where you are

ProverbialOuthouse Fri 22-Sep-17 13:38:32

YABU. I'm a bit like your friend - I'm disorganised and need time to myself. I'm not overly sociable either (quite the opposite actually) so if I need to run errands, visit the gym, chill by myself for a bit etc ill prioritise those things. If friends don't like it they're free to drop me. I really don't care.

As it happens my friends understand me and don't expect too much from my time.

Dramaqueenbee Fri 22-Sep-17 13:39:55

Thanks yumchoc I have tried to see it as a positive that she fits me in for a coffee to keep the contact but ultimately the situation makes me crap and sad as someone else said on here.

Rocketbuddies Fri 22-Sep-17 13:40:18

I don't know I can see both sides really..

But I only have two DC and a SAHM and I must say a lot of my visits with friends do slot in where we can. Or will be them coming to mine for a coffee, I wouldn't have time to dedicate sole time for lunch or dinner without my DC and do struggle keeping up with friends, particularly ones who don't have DCs/older DCs.

Dramaqueenbee Fri 22-Sep-17 13:40:41

Last post was meant to say "feel crap and sad" lol

Anecdoche Fri 22-Sep-17 13:40:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AuntLydia Fri 22-Sep-17 13:42:21

Plenty more platonic fish in the sea drama. Move on. I still sea my friend at a mutual activity and I'm not cold or awful towards her but I don't try and get in touch outside of that. I have let the friendship go. I actually think friendships are more complicated than romantic relationships - it just isn't the done thing to try and talk about them or fix them sadly.

Kidsarekarma Fri 22-Sep-17 13:42:56

Don't be a dick Triptrap, how fucking nasty hmm

What bookworm suggested is good.

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