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To not pretend things are fine?

(108 Posts)
Grounddown17 Fri 22-Sep-17 12:27:39

To cut a long story short DH has a long history of alcohol abuse, letting me down, staying out etc etc.

He has had more second chances that the entire population of the UK have had hot dinners. 2 weeks ago I discovered he had also been taking drugs. Stupidly I let him persuade me to give things one final chance. The agreement was that he would not drink - at all.

He managed a week and a half. Then yesterday I started getting the familiar signs that he was out drinking. Not responding to messages, not answering his phone etc. He likes to pretend he is "busy in a meeting", but strangely when he is in a genuine meeting he finds time to pop out to let me know what's happening.

Anyway so he came home at 7pm and had clearly been drinking. His mother had arrived that afternoon to stay for a few days. She hasn't seen him (or the kids) for 6 months. She had been waiting for him to come home since 4pm. He came in, tried to deny he had been drinking, whilst proceeding to talk utter shit all evening. MIL had no dinner as I went upstairs and left them to it as I couldn't bear being around him. Him being drunk didn't think to offer her anything. So she ended up in tears and eating a sandwich.

This morning he wants "to talk". It was a "small slip" apparently and he should get credit for trying so hard (an entire week and a half!!). It was a business lunch and it had been planned for months!! (Bullshit, I looked at his emails it was a mate he met in the pub!).

I have told him that he has blown it. That he made the choice to have a drink, and then made the choice to carry on drinking despite knowing that a) he was risking his family and b)his mother was sat at home waiting for him. Knowing his track record she even text him begging him not to ruin the weekend when it became clear he was drinking.

He is now saying that by arguing with him in front of his mother I am going to cause her to have a heart attack and die. That she has already been sick this morning from the stress. I did point out that had he remained sober she wouldn't be witnessing any of this.

So AIBU to not go along with playing happy families until she leaves after the weekend? I've had years of this and have had to cover up the reality of his drinking for so long. I'm now refusing to do it any longer. I'm open and honest that he is an alcoholic. I'm in work, yet again, having had no sleep because of the stress and anxiety he has caused me. I can't eat and feel sick in the pit of my stomach. Should I really be pretending all is fine and ok just because his elderly mother is here??

pandarific Fri 22-Sep-17 12:32:20

Jesus op. You can't live like this. Divorce him. You know he'll never change. Divorce him, have a nice calm life with your dcs and without his chaos.

pandarific Fri 22-Sep-17 12:32:32

flowers

jay55 Fri 22-Sep-17 12:36:00

I imagine his mother is incredibly worried about him and you pretending things are fine won't make any difference. Stick to your guns and get rid.
Best of luck.

Grounddown17 Fri 22-Sep-17 12:39:27

Yes I imagine she is.Though to be honest she has drinking issues of her own.

I know she had been looking forward to this visit. But she does know full well the history with DH. I told her about the drug abuse when I discovered it 2 weeks ago. So part of me thinks she knew what she was likely coming to. And this is my life. I live this shit everyday. I'm sorry it's making her trip crap but my whole life is crap.

OverOn Fri 22-Sep-17 12:39:55

Can you imagine yourself repeating the last 20 years for the next 20 years? He will not change as there is no reason to change - you always take him back and fix things between you.

If he is serious about changing, ask him to move out for a year and evaluate whether there is any chance of a relationship between you when that year is over. Either he will realise what he's losing and clean up or he will carry on. And is he carries on, you know that this is him and he will not change (but at least you can get on with your life).

Grounddown17 Fri 22-Sep-17 12:41:35

He won't change. I know that. I've heard every excuse in the book.
He even tried saying that he has tried hard by not drinking for an entire week and a half, but that I have not because I was a bit tetchy with him yesterday morning. See, there's always a reason to make it my fault somehow.

AdoraBell Fri 22-Sep-17 12:46:02

Don't continue subjecting the children to this. His mother knows who he is and if she is stressed it is because of her son's behaviour. Not because his wife doesn't STFU up pretend life is perfect.

Get rid now because he will not change.

OverOn Fri 22-Sep-17 12:46:39

Time to disengage and start the process of separating. He will be pissed off, have you got support to help you sound off and get through it?

It ill be difficult - try to do the 'grey rock' thing and be calm when he starts accusing you of breaking up the family. He will sling mud hoping some of it sticks (making the separation your fault). Just remind yourself you will be free from the stress once it's all over, keep repeating you're not happy and want to divorce, lets keep focus on sorting out the children and kids.

HazelBite Fri 22-Sep-17 12:47:25

You say he has had dozens of second chances, no doubt you will give him another one, because lets face it its what you do.
i'm not being cruel here, just stating the obvious.

slbhill42 Fri 22-Sep-17 12:53:25

Yanbu.
You know what has to be done. His DM is just another attempt to get another chance or distract you from his problems.

Grounddown17 Fri 22-Sep-17 12:53:41

I don't want to give him any more chances. I'm at the point where I don't want to be with him. In the past I have stayed because I hoped for a miracle and that he would stop drinking. I now feel like I don't want to be with him even if that happened. For the past year I've spent most evenings in the bedroom watching tv alone. I've found myself wanting to do that even when things between us have been ok. As someone who intensely dislikes being alone that's a big thing.

Ambonsai Fri 22-Sep-17 12:55:31

Take the opportunity to get her to help.
He's her son, he has a major problem and needs help.

TheViceOfReason Fri 22-Sep-17 12:56:42

Put your children and you first and go and see a lawyer.

Grounddown17 Fri 22-Sep-17 12:57:46

She won't help. She is also a "drinker". She has made excuses for him in the past and backed him up in putting the blame my way.

Raver84 Fri 22-Sep-17 12:59:50

What a nasty thing to say hazel have you thought op may have been trying to keep her family together. If you've nothing supportive to offer leave her alone.

Runningpear Fri 22-Sep-17 13:04:34

I think you know yourself you have come to the end of the road. It sounds like you have given plenty of chances. This isn't your fault Op, he's choosing to do this.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 22-Sep-17 13:04:57

How much help has he had in the past?
Did AA help him at all?
Has he been to the GP?
Counselling to confront his addiction?

You've given him enough chances.
You've lost all love and respect for him.
And he's still doing it.
Time to cut and run.
He will have to hit rock bottom to get back up again and with you there forgiving and enabling he will never get clean.

Time for you and DC to go it alone without an alcoholic in the house.
Good luck OP.
Get in touch with Al-Anon if you aren't already. They can help you.

Mamabear4180 Fri 22-Sep-17 13:07:58

Actually Raver84 sometimes tough talking are what people need to realise how bad things are. I don't think she's being nasty at all, she's being realistic! Break the cycle op. He isn't going to change

Grounddown17 Fri 22-Sep-17 13:11:02

He's had no help because that's "for pussies', or "I'm not an alcoholic I just like a drink". Depending on the day of the week.

Just now he is sending me shitty emails because all morning he has failed to convince me that he is trying and is determined to change.

Mummyoflittledragon Fri 22-Sep-17 13:14:42

Nope. No putting on an act. He's an alcoholic. Son of an alcoholic. Get rid asap. Glad you've come to the realisation he's no longer your problem. flowers

kittybiscuits Fri 22-Sep-17 13:16:59

I'm glad you are done with this. It's a shit way to live. Have you got a plan going forwards?

AnyFucker Fri 22-Sep-17 13:17:23

It's time to stop now

You can't fix him. He doesn't even want to fix himself as he sees nothing wrong in his behaviour. You have been cast as the evil witch that he has to put an act on for to get you to stfu and stop trying to spoil his fun

There is no going back from that

This is the point you end the relationship and let a grown man sink or swim without the life raft of little long suffering wifey and kids at home.

Send him to mummy and they can drink and bitch about you to their heart's content. Don't waste any more of your life living like this.

MrsPringles Fri 22-Sep-17 13:19:02

Get her to take him home with her when she goes.

Op, you're so doing the right thing. Don't waste your life waiting for him go change, he's proved that he doesn't give a shit.

Justaboy Fri 22-Sep-17 13:19:14

He's had no help because that's "for pussies', or "I'm not an alcoholic I just like a drink". Depending on the day of the week.

There's your answer he's well and truly addicted:-(

If OTOH he was to go to AA and stand up and say "I'm an addict i need help" and ADMIT he has a problem then that's the first step to trying to cure the addiction.

It seems your on a loosing wicket with him if her were to move out and admit and seek help for his addiction then different matter - but if he does not then time to part !.

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