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To not want in-laws to stay

(134 Posts)
Bananamama1213 Fri 22-Sep-17 10:57:38

DH has a very strange relationship with his Step-mum. They have never really got on. But always civil. His relationship with his dad is also strange, but getting much better lately. We see him fortnightly for an hour, she only comes when she can be bothered to get out of bed (FIL words).

They can be very judgemental, and the main issue is her. She seems to want to argue with anyone who doesn't agree with what she wants to happen. It's not the first time she's tried to fall out with me either. FIL has lost lots of friends because she falls out with them all. He just goes along with whatever.

ANYWAY
She text me the other day, asking if they could stay over (they have a blow up bed and bedding) because it's a friends 50th and they'd like somewhere to rest their 'very pissed' heads.
I replied, apologised, saying that it's our anniversary that day so we have plans. And i also wouldn't advise it because DS gets up at 6 and watches tv downstairs. (No way would he stay upstairs, we tried before).
She replied with "thanks"

I ignored it because it was late and I was going to sleep. I don't like to argue so figured leaving it would be best.

She text me while I was on the school run saying "do you know that has really upset me. We never ask for anything, we only wanted a place to rest our heads"

Now, DH is really not happy that she's acting like this. He feels that it doesn't matter if they have never asked for anything, but this ask is too much.
He doesn't want "very pissed' people coming back to our house on our anniversary - regardless of who they are. I agree with him.

Any other night, may not have been so bad. But I'm pregnant with our third, and we have 2 young children already. So we won't get to have a nice meal out and time with eachother for quite a while afterwards.. realistically who wants to babysit 3 children! Also we never go out with eachother, I've had this planned for ages.

*AIBU not wanting them to stay?
*
Most of my friends who I've asked, say they wouldn't want someone staying over on their anniversary. Especially coming back pissed when our children will be around.

One of them is saying that they'd be back late so why does it matter if they have a blow up bed etc.

Bananamama1213 Fri 22-Sep-17 11:00:42

DH said if I get a snotty message back then he will be talking to his dad. I think he's planning on doing that anyway, because he's not very happy.

My mum will be having our children until we get home so we can collect them on our way back.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs Fri 22-Sep-17 11:11:53

I think I'd either ignore her message or just text back "sorry you feel that way" and then let it go. Honestly, I have 1 ds and my DP and I rarely get out so I wouldn't be changing my plans and I don't think you should either. Go out, have a lovely time and enjoy your anniversary smile

ponderingprobably Fri 22-Sep-17 11:15:36

Ah, she can just not like it. You have been honest and I, for one, would be sympathetic to your reasoning. You are not a cheap hotel. It is ok for people to ask but not demand.

redexpat Fri 22-Sep-17 11:17:55

I like the sorry you feel that way text. It acknowledges her but without giving in or starting to justify why.

Bananamama1213 Fri 22-Sep-17 11:47:40

I cropped the message but this is what has been said since.

I've not replied as I know it won't end well.

I will wait for DH to finish work and see what he suggests I do! I expect he will say to ignore it now. As he likes to say "be the bigger person".

I'm glad we aren't being completely unreasonable!

They do actually have the money to easily afford a travel lodge or b&b.. I don't see why they can't ask their friend either.

TheHumanRace Fri 22-Sep-17 11:49:30

Well she can not like it but has to live with it.

And you can not like her not liking it and have to live with it.

We don't get to make our decisions and ensure that everyone else has to like them.

You have to not care that she's upset if you believe you've made the right decision.

FWIW I don't see the big deal about the 'anniversary night' aspect of this, but that's me, it obvioulsy seems to be a big deal to you to not have guests on that particular night. And that's fine.

Agree a 'its a shame you feel that way' text is all that's required. But she won't like it and she'll tihnk you are mean if that bothers you?

DooWhaaDiddy Fri 22-Sep-17 12:02:07

She could have been gracious about this and if there were any next time you may have been willing to allow her to stay. But after that hissy fit and throwing toys out the pram I'm sure you are glad she will never ask you again. I hate the "do what I ask or I will throw a tantrum" attitude

Purplemeddler Fri 22-Sep-17 12:05:56

I agree with the "sorry you feel that way" but is she the sort of person who might take that as a "you can come after all" message?

Maybe say "sorry you feel that way but we've had plans for that day for ages and so can't rearrange or accommodate you - hope you have a great evening though".

And then don't engage any more.

TheHumanRace Fri 22-Sep-17 12:10:12

She's like you to have said yes.

You'd like her to be gracious about this.

You can't always get you want. either of you.

Side note: be wary of critciisng your Dhs relationship with his parents. It's easy to view others families as not great and strange, but it's important to remember that, even so , they are important to that person.

blahdyblahblah Fri 22-Sep-17 12:15:11

I don't understand what your anniversary has to do with anything. You'll be asleep by the time they get in no?

You didn't want them to stay because a: you don't like her b: you don't want drunk people in your house c: you don't want to have to fell guilty about ds getting up or try to stop him. Am I right on these three points?

Your problem is creating too many reasons 'why not' that some of them aren't actually that concrete and appear wishy washy.

It's like when people lie and they offer too much information.

She's picked up that you don't like her.

Not judging you at all as it's exactly thing kind of thing I do and dh pulls me up on it. He'll say 'if you don't want to don't make up loads of vague excuses that don't actually make much sense just say no'.

blahdyblahblah Fri 22-Sep-17 12:16:04

Sorry if that didn't make sense, two hours sleep has left me a little confused

Hissy Fri 22-Sep-17 12:28:01

"do you know that has really upset me. We never ask for anything, we only wanted a place to rest our heads"

in my head I'd reply:
"do you know what really upsets me? You ask if it's convenient, I say Sorry, but not it's not, and you try to guilt me into it anyway."

But I agree, the "I'm sorry but we have long standing plans and it's not possible to accommodate you" is far more diplomatic.

twinkiesaremyfave Fri 22-Sep-17 12:34:36

Is she fucking 5?!? Op, please ignore her, I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of a reply- she probably just wants an argument.

I wouldn't have anyone over to stay, especially as we don't have a spare room and I don't want anyone turning up pissed in the early hours to wake my dc up!!

Hope you have a lovely anniversary smile

Cakecrumbsinmybra Fri 22-Sep-17 12:50:53

She sounds very annoying OP and you are entitled to say no if you want.

But if it was me, and just one night, I would just have said yes. Who cares if DS wakes them up at 6am if they have been told that's going to happen? And it's not like they make a habit of staying with you? So I think you are being a little mean because you're not keen on them. And if you genuinely aren't being mean in the slightest, then apologies!

I'm not sure why it makes a difference if it's your anniversary, but things like that are not massively important to me.

SprinkleOfInsanity Fri 22-Sep-17 13:03:40

Yuk, she sounds rude and entitled, and is certainly not endearing herself for any future 'favours'. Spoilt brat springs to mind.

The whole 'we both know I'm not stupid, and there would always be an excuse' would have me spitting feathers, she sounds like someone who, unfortunately, always gets their own way, no matter who it hurts or affects.

Mittens1969 Fri 22-Sep-17 13:09:28

I wouldn't want them to stay over either, OP. Not particularly because it was our anniversary, that wouldn't bother me, but because of them being 'very pissed'. I wouldn't want them waking my DDs up who would then see their grandparents very drunk. (Especially if they're the sort to kick off under the influence?) And, as you've said, they can afford to book a place for the night.

Anyway, after your DH's stepmum's text, I definitely wouldn't back down now, that really is throwing her toys out of the pram.

Thankfully for me, neither my DM nor my MIL ever get drunk, so it's not a problem I have to face.

Mrsderekshepard Fri 22-Sep-17 13:24:28

I agree with you op it's your anniversary and you want to make it special. I wouldn't want people arriving in the middle of the night pissed either. You might fancy dtd with it being a special day an d all wink

Bananamama1213 Fri 22-Sep-17 16:22:51

DH came home from work and after reading the last text has said "I'm f*cking done with her"

He is not a confrontational person at all, but said that he would have flipped if she sent that to him!

It's not the first time she has spoken to me like that, but as far as he is concerned - it's the last.
He will be speaking to his dad about how angry he is. And to see where he stands on this situation.

We are ignoring the text. We are going to wait to hear from his dad and ignore anything further from her. (He usually texts us the day before he comes over with a time).

We don't think he knows anything about this and he usually doesnt!

SprinkleOfInsanity Fri 22-Sep-17 16:27:44

I hope she isn't intentionally trying to sabotage the relationship between your Family and FIL confused

WhoPoppedMyBalloon Fri 22-Sep-17 16:36:06

"I know where we stand"
I love that phrase! My mum uses it every time she doesn't get her way. Usually with a wobbly bottom lip and a sad expression. Makes me giggle every time!

tiredteddy123 Fri 22-Sep-17 16:42:20

All those pp asking what their Anniversary has to do with anything hmm I think that speaks volumes about your relationships not the OPs.

Why on earth would they want anyone coming into their home in the middle of the night pissed on any night never mind their Anniversary...?!

OP I am totally with you, ignore and carry on x

Aquamarine1029 Fri 22-Sep-17 16:45:24

What a bitchy old cow.

SunSeaAndSangria Fri 22-Sep-17 16:45:55

Yanbu, I'm with you op.

Hillarious Fri 22-Sep-17 16:50:30

I'd let them come . . . and just let DS loose on them at 6.00 am.

Her message doesn't require a reply from you. It's a statement, not a further plea. You'll just be playing ping pong if you reply.

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