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To think this is just sexist?

(31 Posts)
Gownagain Fri 22-Sep-17 07:18:22

DH away for work for a week at the moment, no offers of help from family or friends etc.

Last month I went away from 2pm Friday until 5pm Saturday, MIL took kids over night, friends came round with tea for kids when DH got them back etc etc.

Seems like everyone assumes the kids are my job - but poor DH if he gets left alone with them then that's just unfair angry

(Just to add, DH is a great dad and very capable. It isn't him who i think is being sexist. And it's not that no one offers to help that irks me, just that family fell over themselves to help DH for the ONE NIGHT that he did on his own.)

EduCated Fri 22-Sep-17 07:19:21


Gownagain Fri 22-Sep-17 07:21:43

Thank you! Feeling exhausted and fed up this morning angry

AuntLydia Fri 22-Sep-17 07:22:03

Yanbu. Wasn't your dh pissed off with it? Mine would be. He'd have felt insulted and certainly wouldn't have accepted offers of help.

Branleuse Fri 22-Sep-17 07:22:42

Id be pissed off with that

Gownagain Fri 22-Sep-17 07:25:30

auntlydia I was offended on his behalf - but I think he decided to just see it as a night off from everyone and just do nothing much at home alone hmm

FakePlasticTeaLeaves Fri 22-Sep-17 07:27:06

Agree with AuntLydia. If I was your DH I'd be annoyed that people think I am so incapable that I can't manage one night alone!

AuntLydia Fri 22-Sep-17 07:57:34

Hm yes, I guess it's a difficult thing to turn down. Think my dh would have though, he can't stand it when people refer to him as 'babysitting' either. You must be exhausted after a week of flying solo though, I feel for you!

Gownagain Fri 22-Sep-17 08:00:50

AuntLydia - thanks! I'm completely knackered. Currently hiding in my bedroom, dreaming of coffee and headache tablets, while the kids watch Tellytubbies. Bad parenting! 😂

IrritatedUser1960 Fri 22-Sep-17 08:03:03

Maybe it's becasue they think your husband is going to be hopeless with the kids while you will be efficient and manage. That doesn't say much about what they think of men, again sexist.

AuntLydia Fri 22-Sep-17 08:15:04

Pfft, a bit of tellytubbies won't kill them. Make sure you get some down time when he's back

pigeondujour Fri 22-Sep-17 08:19:32

I'd probably be quietly pissed off at him for reinforcing it by letting his mum take them (although I'm guessing it was a good treat for her if she volunteered so willingly).

TheDodgyEnd Fri 22-Sep-17 08:23:20

Whether people think they're helping or not, I think it's a deep rooted belief people don't realise they have that men don't deal with kids so need help and women should just get on with it (in my experience). Or maybe they think a week is not that long and you'll be fine because you're more than capable? Which is technically flattering but yes I see why it's annoying. I'm a single mum and EXH always has family helping when he has them for a day whereas I'm here doing it alone day in day out. I totally see why it annoys you!!

Butterymuffin Fri 22-Sep-17 08:27:11

Yes it is sexist. My DH is terrific with kids, much better than me in many ways but still gets that 'ooh, isn't he good?' reaction, whereas with women it's just expected.

Livingdiisgracefully Fri 22-Sep-17 08:35:04

We had this too. Whenever I went away (about twice ever) dh would get invited round for Sunday dinner, offered respite care etc. Whereas I would never be offered similar and dh went away tons with work. I do think there's an attitude, not by everyone but it does pervade, that women just have to get on with things and men have to be spoiled.

I'm not sure if we don't contribute by not asking when we need help. One weekend when I was really poorly, the children were tiny and dh was away I didn't ask anyone to help or give me a small break. Seems madness now!

ArcheryAnnie Fri 22-Sep-17 08:40:58

Yup, sexist, and very, very annoying.

What on earth were the friends, especially, thinking?

ordinarymumnat Fri 22-Sep-17 08:51:29

Not necessarily. You look after them daily, and are "used" to it, knowing how to handle everything. He wouldn't be, so more offers of help.

My DH looked after the baby twins for a week when I had to go somewhere. He was inundated with plans and help. I think more because he wouldn't know what to do rather than sexism. It happens he turned it all down as he had his own plans how to handle the time.

LongWavyHair Fri 22-Sep-17 08:57:42

Could it just be that she's more likely to help your dh out because he's her son? And the same if he was her daughter. I think parents are more likely to help out their own sons/daughters than their son/daughters in law. I don't necessarily think it's anything to do with sexism.
I know my own parents would be far more likely to help me out if my oh went away than if he went away.

LongWavyHair Fri 22-Sep-17 08:58:26

than if I went away.

Mustang27 Fri 22-Sep-17 09:19:50

Yep it’s a thing and it sucks. O

ZaphodBeeblerox Fri 22-Sep-17 09:35:16

We don't have kids yet. My DH is a fully functioning adult who lived on his own for at least 5 years before we started dating. I went on holiday for a week and he had 5 different offers from friends to come over for a meal. hmm

He goes away for a week for work while I'm quite heavily pregnant, and I've had one friend invite me over for dinner so I'm not bored and don't have to cook my own tea all week.

DH is a much better cook than most of the people who invited him over too! Just didn't understand the whole "oh poor thing he's all alone how will he manage" bit.

Gownagain Fri 22-Sep-17 09:46:13

LongWavyHair - I think there is a bit of that for sure. But not entirely - it's a lot because her DH was utterly useless when her kids were small so I think she just thinks "men" with an eye roll. When actually my DH is just as good a parent as me.

I think what has irked me the most is that she very kindly offered to babysit on Wednesday night when she didn't realise DH was going to be away. He replied and said he'd be away with work for a week, she then said "ok another time" rather than offering to help. I know it's not my right to get help, and I don't even need it... ugh I think I'm just tired so feeling hard done by!

Gownagain Fri 22-Sep-17 09:47:13

ZaphodBeeblerox - so frustratingly outdated, isn't it??? Annoying! (Congrats on your baby though smile)

Mema79 Fri 22-Sep-17 09:48:33

its very sexist. i had to go A&E with my daughter the other night, we was gone 7 hours and the neighbours checked on my hubby to see if he was okay, no-one checks on me when he is at work etc. freely admit i got a tad jealous lol

Getout21 Fri 22-Sep-17 09:51:49

YANBU - DH could take the kids to Waitrose & even if they were lobbing avocados through the aisles he would get help & praise!

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