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AIBU to not be jumping for joy that DPs friend is pregnant

(26 Posts)
Belleende Thu 21-Sep-17 02:10:22

I need some help being kinder with this.

DP has a close friend. I have had limited time for her over the years. She is quite a bit younger than us, has issues with drugs and alcohol, indulges in very risky sexual behaviour (and insists in telling me all about it) has a string of boyfriends, never longer than a few months each time. Can be fantastic company, but dropped in and out of DPs life, and was never there when he needed her. Quite self centred and immature in my view.

It came to a bit of a head a while back when she was planning on visiting with new boyfriend, he must have been the 6th or 7th in a year. I said I wasn't happy with them both staying over as he was a stranger and I had young kids in the house. My partner agreed, she got the hump.

Then her mental health took a nose dive. She has been signed off work since jan, diagnosis not clear may be bipolar. Medication not stabilised as yet. To her credit she stopped taking drugs (with the exception of cannabis) and largely stopped drinking and was putting real effort into trying to get her life onto a more even keel, although she was finding it a struggle. We have had an open door to her through out this time.

The last time we saw her was a few weeks ago. She got vv drunk and her behaviour was quite erratic.

Today I got home to the news she is pregnant - intentionally. My judgy pants were so far up my arse they were out my mouth before I could engage my brain.

For context, I am also 7.5 mos pregnant. We are the only people she knows with kids, so I suspect she might want to lean on us quite heavily.

I just can't get past the view that she has chosen to bring a child into the world at a time when her mental health is bad and getting worse, her meds are still all over the place, she has no job, no stable partner and little support. I know that her mental health issues mean she may not be capable of making the best choices right now, but I think bringing a child into this situation is a hugely selfish thing to do and I don't think I can do a decent job of pretending I think otherwise.

I know this is not helpful or constructive to express this to her, but I really don't trust myself to be around her, and I suspect she will want to be around more than she has been.

So, how do I handle this, am I being a total judgemental hard hearted bitch? And how do I get past this to a more supportive place?

Valentine2 Thu 21-Sep-17 02:16:23

How do you know it is a planned pregnancy?

Belleende Thu 21-Sep-17 02:18:44

She said so. Has been having unprotected sex for months with the intention of getting pregnant.

Want2bSupermum Thu 21-Sep-17 02:19:41

Sometimes being a good friend is supporting stupid mistakes. Right now she needs your DP a lot. She must be scared. Pluck the judging pants out of your arse and get on with it. It doesn't sound like she has family supporting her.

Belleende Thu 21-Sep-17 02:28:22

Another realisation just dropped. I don't think I actually like her very much. I dont want to be her friend, pregnant or not. Maybe I need to think of this as supporting DP, not her.

I suspect her mum will be vv supportive, but she is not local.

EssentialHummus Thu 21-Sep-17 02:28:40

It's difficult. No, these don't sound like good circumstances to bring a child into, and it's galling that she apparently made the choice to/proactively tried to get pregnant.

I'd agree boundaries with your DH now - how often you'll see/help her, what if anything you want to buy her to help, what you'll do if she rings for help when, the right people to direct her to in different circumstances.

NikiBabe Thu 21-Sep-17 02:47:25

How is your dp such close friends with her and she's alot younger? How did that happen?

Italiangreyhound Thu 21-Sep-17 02:51:02

Look on the bright side "I suspect her mum will be vv supportive, but she is not local." Maybe she will move to be near her mum!

You don't have to be supportive. But:
Just for a moment imagine one of your children ends up with mental health issues, or gets pregnant, or moves away from you, or gets in lots of relationships, or gets in a bit of a pickle - would you want her (or him) to have a good friend?

You can support dh to support her and keep her at arm's length, but that may mean you lose some 'control'. EG your dh may promise more support from you (both as a family) and you may not feel able to provide this.

Personally, I would sit down with dh, decide your joint level of support and boundaries and then work with dh to provide what you feel able to provide.

"Another realisation just dropped. I don't think I actually like her very much..." That is very evident but she is not your friend, she is your dh's friend and my guess is that if he were willing to cut lose a pregnant, mentally ill friend you would actually think less of him as a person!

Good luck with your pregnancy.

Belleende Thu 21-Sep-17 02:51:41

They go way back. Lived together in a house share for a number of years. When I say younger we are early 40s she is early 30s. Not sure how relevant that all is though.

Belleende Thu 21-Sep-17 02:57:22

italian really helpful. You are right, one of the reasons I love DP is that he is a much nicer person than me. I am not sure he even owns a pair of judgy pants.

He has actually been very good at keeping good boundaries with her over the years and is probably one of the few solid and positive influences on her life.

Hummmmm. Good stuff to think on. Now a bit of sleep would be nice.

MrsJamesAspey Thu 21-Sep-17 03:00:34

I would be encouraging her to go back to her mums if her mum is supportive. Being a single parent is hard work, and bad enough to cause problems for people without mh issues let alone people with them.

cluelessnewmum Thu 21-Sep-17 03:33:11

Is she not with the father of the child anymore then, the way you write it makes it sound like he's not on the scene.

DP should definitely encourage her to go and live with her mum in the short - medium term. Substance abuse + as yet untreated mental illness + single parent sounds like a recipe for the baby being taken away from her if she doesn't cope, if she's in the system for her diagnosis she may already be on social services radar.

Think your dp can be a friend by giving sensible advice and help her get practically prepared for a baby but shouldn't get drawn into actual childcare once s/he is born. I would personally keep a bit of distance from her as would not want to get embroiled on it.

highinthesky Thu 21-Sep-17 03:33:30

Whatever you think of DP's friend, her child deserves all the support they can get. Given the mother's existence health issues and lifestyle, this poor baby is at a disadvantage even before birth through pure bad luck; do you want to punish them further?

Italiangreyhound Thu 21-Sep-17 03:52:21

thanks

Belleende Thu 21-Sep-17 06:14:23

Cheers all, assuming dad is the current boyfriend. She could well up sticks and go back to her parents. If not, support and care with clear boundaries is the way forward.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Thu 21-Sep-17 06:25:13

I'd encourage her to move closer to her parents.

allthegoodusernameshavegone Thu 21-Sep-17 06:45:35

Don't get involved with people you don't like, it's not healthy for either of you. You have your own family and pregnancy enjoy them. Best wishes

WombOfOnesOwn Thu 21-Sep-17 07:05:42

Given the timeline, it sounds like she may have been jealous of you and gotten pregnant because you did. Creepy. Would not like.

stopfuckingshoutingatme Thu 21-Sep-17 07:05:54

No they are far from ideal circumstances to bring a child into the world . I Susoect the safely homes threads is littered with Mothers who stated like this

But what to do ! She isn't having an abortion it appears so she will be a mother

Maybe take a step back and let DP have his friendship and you are not obliged to do a thing

And maybe when the child is born you will feel an urge to support it

Try not to give this issue to much of your mental focus and time

But no it's not ideal - not at all

stopfuckingshoutingatme Thu 21-Sep-17 07:07:19

And what Italian said !

5rivers7hills Thu 21-Sep-17 07:08:52

I'm failing to see what she brings to your DPs life? Or to yours? Is she fun?

Belleende Thu 21-Sep-17 08:42:37

She is DPs friend. I have asked him this myself. It is quite a one sided friendship. He has probably understood on some level for quite a while that some of her more out there behaviours were not just attention seeking, but symptoms of pretty serious underlying mental health issues, masked for years by drink and drugs. So he has hung in there to be there when she really needed him.

She can be fantastic and interesting company when on form, but one drink too many and it all tends to get a bit messy.

Writing this all down is at once heartbreaking but also highlights that I have not been comfortable with alot of this, and probably rightly so.

I won't interfere in DP's relationship with her, as I said he is probably the one person in her life who has given her clear boundaries. I will have to draw up some boundaries for myself and the kids though. Even if I thought I could help, and I wanted to, I just don't have the reserves in the tank right now. Just hanging on by my fingrertips til mat leave.

5rivers7hills Thu 21-Sep-17 09:07:50

Sounds like a good plan @Belleende - you can have clear boundaries and look after yourself at the moment. One thing tho - sometimes we like to think we can 'save' people when really we can't, they need real support from professionals. Hopefully your DP doesn't give to much of himself to his friend.

BulletFox Thu 21-Sep-17 09:59:01

Actually quite a lot of what you said mirrors my relationship with my best friend (no pregnancies involved though!).

He's a really lovely, stable person, friend for 20 years, who calms me down instantly. I'm as neurotic as a siamese cat at the moment.

He has a brilliant partner for the past 3 years which I'm really happy about but I have been thinking the friendship needs to be on the back burner now. I'd still like to be friends for life but he compartmentalises a little too much, I've only met her once, and he's certainly done his bit listening to me over the years which I'm grateful for.

NikiBabe Thu 21-Sep-17 10:00:53

They go way back. Lived together in a house share for a number of years. When I say younger we are early 40s she is early 30s. Not sure how relevant that all is though.

When you said alot younger I thought you meant she was teens / early 20s which i would've thought was a bit weird. She's not actually that much younger.

Id just refuse to have anything to do with her.

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