To feel sad and fed up(44 Posts)
Tonight I got home and DP had ordered takeaway, he tried to call me knowing I was in a meeting and then would be driving. He didn't get me on the phone so just ordered for himself and DS instead of waiting till I got home or even ordering for me.
At the time, I wasn't too fussed and planned to just share some of DS(9)'. When it arrived I brought a plate through and DS started saying he didn't want to share. I'm not proud of it but I just said "fine" put the plate down and went to bed. I could hear DP trying to cajole him and tell him off but I was pissed off at his selfishness.
As a one off this might not seem like a big deal but I am so tired of their selfishness. It doesn't matter how much I do for either of them I have to fight and bribe and beg to get anything in return.
Everything I do is with them in mind- I do more or less everything for both of them and I honestly don't complain or act like they owe me anything at all. I like doing things to make life easier and more pleasant for them- even when I'm working I take on most things at home too.
DS can be very thoughtful and kind but alot of the time difficult and selfish too. DP is wonderful in many ways but its the sfishness with both of them that upsets me. I feel like im not as important to them as they are to me.
I don't do it to get anything back but given how much I do for them I don't think its unreasonable to wish they'd think of me now and again.
Recently I've felt like I'm only worthy of DP's affection and attention when he needs something from me and its making me feel like crap.
Sorry for TMI but tonight in bed he initiated things and let me finish him off then rolled over after barely touching me. Given how things are in the rest of our relationship atm I'm left thinking he only started being affevtionate in the first place so I'd give him what he wanted and he wasn't really interested in me or anything mutual.
I'm so fucked off and fed up with it and I know I'm being a pushover, I just feel like they should want to be kind to me, not just do it because I've had to spell it out for them.
That is incredibly selfish behaviour by them both. No wonder you're fed up. YANBU.
Im sorry. But your 9 year old son shouldnt of had a choice.
You should of made him share his food.
Your partner dhould of offered some of his up too.
Your son is learning from his father
This is crap behaviour from both of them. I would be pissed off too.
He's not DP's son but I see what you mean.
To be honest, normally I would have told him he had to share- DP would have backed me up too but I'm tired of trying to cajole them into being kind to me- I'd had enough and just went to bed. DP offered to share his but I refused to get back up. I ended up not eating at all so cut off my nose to spite my face but if DP had thought of me in the first place or if DS hadnt been so selfish, it wouldnt have gone that far.
I can't get past your DP not including you in the first place. YANBU
X post. Sorry to say though, your subsequent behaviour was childish OP. Why did it have to be so dramatic?
You're probably a bit tired, grumpy, overworked and hungry. Leave it until tomorrow but yes they should take care of you if you get in late
I wasn't dramatic, I calmly put my plate on the table and left the room.
As I said, I'm fed up of having to persuade them to be kind to me- they rarely do anything nice for me off their own back and I've exhausted any energy I had left in trying to persuade them to do so.
Time to stop being the 'door mat' Frothy.
Frankly at the bear minimum I would have woken any 'D'P up if he had even thought about rolling over to sleep before 'reciprocating', although I may have kicked him out of bed altogether. Especially after his earlier performance with dinner.
So start stopping doing everything for both of them. If that sounds harsh- think of it as training for adult life for your DS, and a wake up call for your 'D'P - can't believe a) he just rolled over and b) you just let him. Get angry woman!
Maybe I have a seriously warped view here (and maybe thats why im such a doormat!) but I feel like I shouldn't need to get angry in order for them to be kind. I certainly don't wait around on them getting angry at me before I do things for them.
Shit, this is awful!
Totally agree with LondonLassInTheCount
"He's not DP's son but I see what you mean." Then I think, sadly, your dp is currently influencing your son more than you are, please do address this. Do not assume it is the way it has to be. It is always disappointing when our children do not act kindly, to some extent I do think we need to 'force' them to share (yes, I know it is not genuine sharing, but it sets the pattern).
"Everything I do is with them in mind- I do more or less everything for both of them and I honestly don't complain or act like they owe me anything at all. I like doing things to make life easier and more pleasant for them- even when I'm working I take on most things at home too."
Please stop doing this!
Do not allow them to treat you in this way.
You need to speak to them separately. There is no way your husband should have ordered for himself and ds only! He should have waited or ordered on your behalf, he must have an idea of what you eat.
I think your son just needs to know that his behaviour was very rude and you expect better from him. I would make some opportunity for sharing that are not too onerous for him (buying some chocs with him knowing that these will be to share etc). Gradually building up to him being able to share with it being less stress for him.
As far as your dh goes I would suggest you have a sit down and talk about his behaviour. Yes, he came to see you and try to get you to eat but he did not need to get into that position.
He later compounded the selfishness by initiating that unsatisfactory sexual encounter (knowing you were tired and upset!).
Make sure you show the things you appreciate about him but also that you would not expect this type of behaviour from a friend, or even an acquaintance, let alone a life partner!
You need to address what happened in bed. I would imagine most men would not like to know how poor their 'performance' was. If he genuinely is caring and kind sometimes, sexually and in other areas, do tell him this, and help him to see what you 'expect'.
Softkittysillykitty "Sorry to say though, your subsequent behaviour was childish OP. Why did it have to be so dramatic?" Maybe the OP felt she should not have to give them a second chance to do the right thing, if she had not been tired she may well have been willing to do that. IMHO It's not childish to accept people's bad behaviour - I agree it is not good to accept it but I would not say it was childish. She has not created this situation.
But in general I do agree, giving your son a choice, OP, to share in that situation was not helpful but your dh should have shown the way by sharing his food immediately too. There are families sharing their meager food supplies with each other all over the planet, the idea that they would allow you to go to bed hungry is really unpleasant.
I feel like I shouldn't need to get angry in order for them to be kind. No indeed you should not.
Your dp needs to know you expect better of him and also that his behaviour is affecting your son.
Your son needs to know that kind and considerate behaviour is what you expect. I know it is not easy. My son was in tears tonight because I asked him to help clear the table (he is 7). I comforted the tears but still made him help clear the table, I don't want him to grow up to be a boy expecting everyone to wait on him. (He would love this I am sure!)
I do way too much for my 2 teenagers but they do always say thank you and always share, even with each other because I've always made them do so.
I would actually get myself a Chinese late one night next week and not order for them or cook them any food. NOT to be childish and get my own back, but because sometimes the best way to make someone understand is to PUT them in your shoes. If you do that I guarantee they won't order without you again.
As for your partners treatment in bed, mine wouldn't have even got that close if he'd ordered and eaten food without me.
This must be the second or third thread in as many weeks about partners buying takeaway for themselves and nobody else!? Why would this be acceptable even as a one off? You are a family he needs to provide for all of you or not at all. Surely most partners know what you like and are capable of choosing something even if you can't be contacted. if my dh came home with one portion we'd get half a portion each I would not sit there with an empty plate or beg left overs from my child. Also cant believe you would still want to have sex with him after that, i would be livid not rewarding his behaviour. Sounds like he thinks you are less important than him and your son is following his lead. You need to get angry and start saying no before this gets worse. Have you thought about councelling to help with general self esteem? i'm staggered at how many women seem to be putting up with this shit. Don't let your son grow up thinking this is normal or acceptable, its abusive
You need to stop doing so much for them and you need to get angry.
Dp was a complete arse not either waiting for you or ordering for you.
I've got a tiny bit more sympathy for DS but only because I don't share food - won't even eat off of ds's plate when he has finished
But you shouldn't have to cajole either of them into anything, they should want to be nice. And the fact that DS is emulating dp is very very worrying.
YADNBU - i know exactly what you mean also by having to ask for people to be kind - when surely it should be a given. I had a similar problem and had to ask my DH to remember to ask me how I am occasionally which seemed to negate the whole process!
I agree with silkybear and echo what other posters have said. Not ordering you takeout in the first place too is very odd. I also don't think you were being dramatic AT ALL In fact, maybe you should have been more dramatic to push your point forward. Sometimes
selfish bastards people need to be made acutely and loudly aware of their poor behaviour and the effect it has before they can even cnsider changing (because they probably don't even realise they've done anything wrong, such is the level of their self absorption).
If you want DS to be considerate, you'll have to spell it out. Preferably in front of DP so he gets the message loud and clear too.
I've probably been a bit harsh on DS because of my general annoyance. He actually can be very kind and is usually good at sharing- he'll often take his pocket money to the shop for a sweetie and bring me something too for example. Not always though, he does have an ungrateful side which I am trying to work on with him.
DP on the other hand, has many lovely qualities but can't see past the end of his nose sometimes and it hurts that I'm only deemed worthy of his kindness and affection when I've literally just done him a favour or if he wants me to do something.
I have really shit self esteem and am always second guessing myself and whether I'm worthy of the same treatment I try so hard to give out- which is probably why I try so hard to please him (and other people).
I don't think he does it intentionally, he is just thoughtless.
OH, OP, come on. You are obviously dog tired but your post is dripping with self pity. So they didn't buy you a takeaway, then why not then order your own, and have cheerful night with the two of them? Being blokes it probably didn't cross their minds about you and your needs.
What you did, didn't even register with your Dh as he came to bed expecting some action. That was a waste of a dramatic gesture wasn't it ? I would have bitten his balls off if it had been me,
But honestly you need to man up and stop doing anything you don't want to do.
I felt quite frequently like you, when my DCs were small. I bust my guts keeping the place very clean, putting excellent ( made from scratch ) food on the table, ironing, gardening, full time job ......and feeling bloody resentful. What I needed to do was relax, either make them all do more to help me or just sit in the crap with them. I think they would have preferred a fun Ma, rather than a clean house etc.
They are a selfish pair of pigs but you are allowing them to be like it.
So come on, chin up, as you sound so sweet and kind, start sharpening your teeth on their lazy backsides.
Hugs ... no more Cinderella....more Cruella da ville, needed here!!!
Haha hole thanks for the kick up the arse. I actually went to 24 hour McDs at about 2.30
Normally I'd have fixed myself something at the time and carried on, but as I said it's one thing in a long line of behaviour like this so it was the straw that broke the camel's back I guess.
Don't be harsh on your son, he is just copying what he sees. If you don't like his behaviour you need to look to who he is learning it from. I disagree with Hole that 'being blokes it probably didn't cross their mind about your needs'. No man I know would ever be so inconsiderate, if one of my male friends or family admitted to doing this I would be disgusted. Since when did owning a penis make you oblivious to the fact your partner might not want to go to bed hungry? It is not normal to have to go out to a drive thru in the middle of the night because your DP isn't capable of thinking about your most basic needs. You need to decide you will not tolerate this any more for your sons sake if not your own.
holeinmyheart "Being blokes it probably didn't cross their minds about you and your needs"
highinthesky "If you want DS to be considerate, you'll have to spell it out. Preferably in front of DP so he gets the message loud and clear too." Great idea, you can be spelling it out to both of them.
FrothyFern "DP on the other hand, has many lovely qualities but can't see past the end of his nose sometimes and it hurts that I'm only deemed worthy of his kindness and affection when I've literally just done him a favour or if he wants me to do something." So in that case it really is not kindness, it is him feeling he needs to 'pay you back'.
Why is this? Is he very immature, younger than you?
"I have really shit self esteem and am always second guessing myself and whether I'm worthy of the same treatment I try so hard to give out- which is probably why I try so hard to please him (and other people)." I think you need some counselling for you to release your inner tiger. You deserve better but it sounds like YOU need to believe that first.
"I don't think he does it intentionally, he is just thoughtless." He is an adult and he needs to learn this, his sexual behaviour was shit, make sure he knows he is not always like this (assuming he is not) and he needs to learn to behave better. Does he work, does he pay his way, or are you carrying him in other ways? Just make sure he know more is expected of him and he needs to step up.
Stop doing as much for them then. Actions speak louder than words. You've said you like being the loving giving person but look where it's got you. Think carefully about what you do and cut it right back. So if you make drinks all the time without being asked or thanked, stop. If then your DP says 'isn't it time we had a brew', you can say 'yes, how about you make one this time?' Same with other things. It will feel odd and you'll probably say 'But I don't like being like that' but then you don't like the results it gets.
I would be more cross with your DP about the meal because he just didn't think I'm the first place. I would ask what he had thought you were going to eat when he ordered the takeaway.
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