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To feel uncomfortable about this

(455 Posts)
user1471558723 Wed 20-Sep-17 14:51:18

My mother is in her late eighties, she lives alone and looks after herself. I live some distance away but speak to her most days. I do her shopping and visit her once or twice a week.
She attends a craft club once a week, it's attended by people of all ages.
A much younger lady began dropping my mother at home each week, this then developed into her offering to collect my mother. This lady let's call her Anne is very kind she has according to my mother an unsupportive partner, a large family, primary school age children, grown up children and grand children. She looks after them all and does not have a job. Anne also looks after her elderly father who has terminal cancer.
I was delighted when Anne offered my mother regular lifts to and from the craft club. But now the friendship has intensified. Anne is visiting my mum several times a week. She is "helping" my mother with all the administrative work that I used to do, sorting out insurance etc.
I've told my mum there is no need to involve Anne in all this as she obviously is a woman with commitments of her own. My mum insists Anne wants to do everything she does.
My mum is very well placed financially and reading between the lines life has not been so kind to Anne.
I would really like to think that Anne is a lovely lady who has found a friendship with my mother despite the 45 year age gap. I'm just a bit uncertain and would value other people's opinions.

MyBrilliantDisguise Wed 20-Sep-17 14:55:47

No way! Anne shouldn't even think of getting involved in your mum's financial affairs!

Have you met this woman?

opheliacat Wed 20-Sep-17 14:57:48

Anne is a scam artist,

Pengggwn Wed 20-Sep-17 14:58:31

Unless your mother is less than competent (dementia) then I think this is her business. If she would like help from this lady, why shouldn't she have it? I would probably harbour the same suspicions as you but I wouldn't do anything unless I felt she was taking advantage of my mum, e.g. taking cash from her or similar.

wowfudge Wed 20-Sep-17 14:58:59

When did your mother first meet Anne and over what period of time has all this been going on?

Winteriscomingneedmorewood Wed 20-Sep-17 14:59:04

Sounds like you need to be meeting with Anne and setting some boundaries.

Or maybe some cctv cameras up.

user1471558723 Wed 20-Sep-17 14:59:23

I spoke to her very briefly and said I hoped my mum was not being too expecting. Anne said she loves spending time with my mum and sitting and relaxing in her lovely, quiet house. My mum has a beautiful house with a large garden which is well maintained by an elderly neighbour.

KarateKitten Wed 20-Sep-17 15:00:36

It's great that she is helping her but to be honest it's your mum who is in the wrong, potentially very stupid, for involving Anne in her finances. If she was my mother, I'd be spelling it out to her that she is making herself very vulnerable and that there is absolutely no need whatsoever considering she has your support, to involve a stranger in anything financial or that leaves her open to fraud. They can still be friends and enjoy each other's company but the fact that Anne is happy to get into anything financial is a big red flag.

opheliacat Wed 20-Sep-17 15:01:05

CCTV is a good idea.

Pengggwn Wed 20-Sep-17 15:01:31

Winteriscomingneedmorewood

Unless the OP's mum is not mentally competent, she can set her own boundaries. And no-one would be putting CCTV in my house without me calling the police.

Yes, we need to watch out for our elderly relatives, but it is not our place to police their friendships or put surveillance on their homes.

user1471558723 Wed 20-Sep-17 15:02:27

They met a couple of years ago but the friendship has only intensified recently. Could she be a genuine person I wonder? if she isn't I suppose time will tell.

Winteriscomingneedmorewood Wed 20-Sep-17 15:03:20

The op is entitled to speak to someone who is effectively trying to replace her!!
And many people are fleeced by do gooders in their own homes. .

opheliacat Wed 20-Sep-17 15:03:54

I doubt it. How many friends do you have who you sort their insurance out for?

Katedotness1963 Wed 20-Sep-17 15:05:03

Shocked she's having anything to do with your mums finances! I would be worried about this.

Pengggwn Wed 20-Sep-17 15:05:28

Winteriscomingneedmorewood

Replace her? FGS. If her mum wants a friend she can have one. If she doesn't want to maintain a relationship with her DD (although I'm sure she does) she doesn't have to. The OP has very limited rights to interfere - if she believes her mother to be being exploited or abused, fine. Other than that she needs to butt out.

TheRealBiscuitAddict Wed 20-Sep-17 15:05:43

Assuming your mum is competent you really can't get involved in this other than to just say to your mum she needs to be a bit careful about who she gives access to her money to etc.

As for the poster talking about the OP setting boundaries and installing CCTV cameras, this is a capable adult we're talking about not a child. Regardless of potential concerns no-one has the right to start policing anyone else's friendships.

opheliacat Wed 20-Sep-17 15:07:52

Peng chill hmm Elderly people are very vulnerable to theae sorts of scams. All Anne needs to do is take the details of the mum's bank account amd voila.

TheRealBiscuitAddict Wed 20-Sep-17 15:08:22

"The op is entitled to speak to someone who is effectively trying to replace her!!" no, she isn't. Quite apart from the fact that she's not replacing the OP, she is seen by this adult woman as a friend. You wouldn't think it ok if the OP's mum started policing her daughter's friendships? Or if her partner did? This is no different.

If a family member started to police my friendships I would never speak to them again.

Winteriscomingneedmorewood Wed 20-Sep-17 15:08:47

Many competent adults are fleeced of ££££££when no outside opinions are given or listened to. .

user1471558723 Wed 20-Sep-17 15:09:51

I feel so conflicted over how to deal with it. If she is a good, kind person who has had a tough life, and she enjoys a bit of peace and quiet with my mum, then that's great. I would hate to damage their friendship. Yet if she turns out not to be a good friend then my mum will be devastated to be duped. She is fiercely independent and considers herself to be a good judge of character.

opheliacat Wed 20-Sep-17 15:09:57

Indeed winter

Happened to my dad, actually, and he was much younger than OPs Mum.

Pengggwn Wed 20-Sep-17 15:10:44

opheliacat

Erm, no. I accept the OP has a right to ask her mum about this. She has absolutely no right to demand to meet with this woman, whose friendship with her mother is their own concern unless her mum is not competent. I don't think the ability of an adult woman to make her own choices is something to 'chill' about.

opheliacat Wed 20-Sep-17 15:13:19

My husband would be very concerned if one of my friends was helping me with "admin" and fhe like.

It is common sense not controlling.

user1471558723 Wed 20-Sep-17 15:13:32

Opheliacat, may I ask how it worked out for your dad?

AnnetteCurtains Wed 20-Sep-17 15:14:18

I think I would approach it differently user
I'd say that you really enjoyed helping her and that you miss helping her
Ask her if that part of her life could involve you again

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