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To think this relationship is over?

(43 Posts)
WagonWheel Wed 20-Sep-17 10:39:43

My DP is Scottish but moved to London several years ago in order to take a lucrative job which is the point at which we met and subsequently had DS who is now 11.

DP and I have been together for 14 years. Throughout our son’s life I have basically been the sole emotional carer. At first DP said that “he didn’t know how to relate to babies” and that he would be better when DS turned 4 or so and could communicate properly. Then he said he would do it at 9….then 10. You get the picture. As a result I am the only parent DS will come to for advice and emotional comfort.

After around seven years of resistance, DP finally agreed to allow my son to have an assessment for autism last year. We subsequently had an ADOS in June, the results of which showed very conclusively that DS has moderate/severe autism coupled with an incredibly high IQ. His needs are thought to be complex enough to warrant an EHC which is now in the application process.

For the past four years or so DP has been saying that he despises England and wants to go back to Scotland. His principle argument is that DS needs to be resident in Scotland for 3 years so that he can take advantage of a free university education, as well as escape the “hell” that is London.

Initially, I was more than happy with this idea, but over the past three years or so our relationship has taken a decided turn for the worst. As well as zero participation in ours son’s life or education, DP is extremely controlling. He constantly belittles me in front of my son, calling me “dumb” and “useless”, and refuses to include me in any of our joint financial decisions. I am the first to admit that he is the main and sometimes only breadwinner of the family (I am a freelancer) but I have contributed high five figures to the flat we share as well as a large chunk of the bills. In addition, I do 100% of the housework. Despite this, DP remains staunchly patriarchal, believing his larger financial contribution trumps what I put into the house and family and refusing to acknowledge that what I do every day is actually “work”.

A couple of weeks ago I suggested we have a talk about the pros and cons of going to Scotland and he went ballistic, saying that I had lied to him about wanting to go and that he only worked to give me and DS a “lovely life”. He then spat at me and walked out. He has since said that it was my fault for making him angry.

I am now in a position where I more or less accept the relationship is over and that we will have to sell up and split the proceeds in order to move on. Unfortunately, my DP has said he will pull out “the nasty cards” to ensure that I do not get custody of DS. Principally, this is to do with the fact that I suffer from Bipolar Disorder for which I have been hospitalised twice (voluntarily) in the past fourteen years. The last time was around five years ago and I have been stable and well since. I have spoken to my doctors about this latest ploy of DP’s and they basically laughed and said he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. They have assured me that the flat is always immaculate and DS extremely settled and well cared for. I have never drunk or taken drugs.

Now that things have turned so sour between us, however, I can feel myself becoming unwell again and have consequently upped my support visits with my doctors who are incredible. In addition I have a very good, close network of friends who I see often (and who I would be lost without). DP keeps saying I am being incredibly selfish and that I am ruining my son’s life by refusing to go to Scotland. To compound things DP intends to live in the remotest part of the Highlands which always troubled me since it would be so very far away from what I am used to.

I guess I am looking for support to move on or other opinions as to whether I am being selfish and just can’t see it. I will probably never have the financial means to give our DS the life he has had with two parents. My older sister, who was my absolute rock, was always there for me in times like this but I lost her last year very suddenly to an aggressive cancer. I lost my father to suicide 20 years ago and my mum 9 years ago so don’t really have that very close family around anymore.

Above all, I love my DS desperately, and want to do what’s best for him.

pickleypockley Wed 20-Sep-17 10:50:19

What an arse, you are totally doing the right thing and take strength from it. I can't see he would have a leg to stand on. I can't offer any legal advice but didn't want to read and run. Stay strong you are doing the right thing by your son xx

Clandestino Wed 20-Sep-17 10:54:28

The best thing you can do for you and your son is to end the awful marriage and get free.
What's the point of trying to protect your son from any troubles when he is being brought up to not respect you?

MyBrilliantDisguise Wed 20-Sep-17 10:57:34

Once he spat at you, he showed such contempt for you that you really have to leave.

Surely your doctors would recommend a stable home life for you? Your life will be so much better without this man in it.

crazycatlady5 Wed 20-Sep-17 10:59:15

Jesus. End this awful relationship asap!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude Wed 20-Sep-17 11:04:05

Providing financially for your DC is a very small part of the overall picture. Meeting their emotional needs, supporting them in education, with health issues etc. is incredibly important.

I think you will have no problem showing that your DP has little or no role in the care for your DS other than financial provision so don't let him try to scare you.

The relationship is dead and I suspect it has been dying for quite a long time. I suspect your MH will benefit from being out of the relationship as you must be living in a constant state of tension.

ShiftyLookingBadger Wed 20-Sep-17 11:05:37

He actually spat at you?! That's physical assault in the eyes of the law (my friend has gone to court over being spat at recently, she kept the tissue that she used to wipe her face with, lo and behold... DNA! offender doesn't have a leg to stand on). You could always play that card if things get nasty. GOOD LUCK OP flowers

maxthemartian Wed 20-Sep-17 11:15:28

Spitting is physical assault.

Lucie8881 Wed 20-Sep-17 11:19:44

It would not be wise for either yours or your sons health to move somewhere so remote. That would still be the case if the relationship was sound.
As it stands, the relationship is over and you need to think where you will be best supported. I know you said you had little in the way of family due to bereavement so all the more important you retain the support network you do have, such as the healthcare providers you have in place.

Lucie8881 Wed 20-Sep-17 11:20:53

Sorry, meant to add ... wishing you the best flowers

WagonWheel Wed 20-Sep-17 11:24:05

Thank you so much, everyone....I think you've just all confirmed what I was thinking deep down. chaz yes, I have been comforting myself with the fact that finances are not the be all and end all to a fulfilling life for my DS and your reply has confirmed this for me.

I have been treading on eggshells for so long that it probably has had a detrimental effect on my MH. It's just heartbreaking to hear my son's questions as to what's going on (he can hear DP shouting). He said to me this morning "you don't love dad anymore, do you?" and when I asked him why he was asking he said "because he's so mean to you." sad

WagonWheel Wed 20-Sep-17 11:27:55

lucie my doctors have also advised me against moving to somewhere so remote; specifically because DP would then have almost complete control over things. Initially, I suggested to DP some years ago that we could compromise and move to a city or its environs, but he flatly refused...

Winteriscomingneedmorewood Wed 20-Sep-17 11:31:09

Having mh issues doesn't mean you aren't a great dm.
He has no points in the parenting department. .
See a solicitor ASAP.
I see you aren't married - does he have PR of your ds?

graziemille Wed 20-Sep-17 11:31:15

Spat at you!!!
Leave him, find a peaceful and happy life that suits you.
He's despicable

PJBanana Wed 20-Sep-17 11:33:30

I will probably never have the financial means to give our DS the life he has had with two parents.

By the sounds of it, your DS would be much better off with you as his sole carer. It sounds like your DP does absolutely fuck all the be a 'father figure' to him.

You sound incredibly strong flowers you are 100% doing the right thing. You also have the (very valid) opinions of professionals on your side in the event that your DP pulls out his so-called 'nasty cards'. He sounds awful and this will be the beginning of a much-needed fresh start for you.

sonjadog Wed 20-Sep-17 11:34:00

Don't doubt yourself about this, you are absolutely right to end this relationship. Don't isolate yourself and your son with an abusive man in rural Scotland.

WagonWheel Wed 20-Sep-17 11:38:16

winter yes, he does have PR of DS. Ironically, another one of his criticisms is that I didn't "give him more children"...

I do a lot of voluntary work advocating for people with MH problems for whom English isn't their first language and many of them are amazing parents. But if you have ever had MH problems yourself, you'll be acutely aware how potent the notion of "gaslighting" can be.

Winteriscomingneedmorewood Wed 20-Sep-17 11:41:27

He can take you to court to prevent you taking ds. .not that it will be granted. .
But if you plan carefully so he doesn't have plenty of time to do so. . . .
Once you have gone it would be harder to force your return. .

Grumpyrealist77 Wed 20-Sep-17 11:42:03

How very sad...sad

Massive hugs!!!flowers

There will be ups and downs but there will be positivity, there always is. Your MH will improve without an abusive partner.

Sorry to hear about your sister, are there any other close friends you can rely on for support?

Continue living your life for your son.

Good luckhalo

petalsandstars Wed 20-Sep-17 11:46:56

You refer to him as DP - if you're not married make sure you get your financial ducks in a row now on the quiet before he is able to screw you over.

Ginkypig Wed 20-Sep-17 11:49:36

He is trying to get you to move to the middle of nowhere so he can be in absolute control and you will be so far away from any help (both physically but also medically for your m/h) that he will be in total charge.

Please don't move.

Ending the relationship will be hard and in the short term you will be stressed and might find your health suffers but if you are aware of that and keep the right supports in place (which it sounds like your good at because your engaged in services already) also if you keep in mind that it will be temporary.

Then once your at the other end though it will be brilliant! He will be gone and it will just be you, your child and freedom.

celticmissey Wed 20-Sep-17 11:52:31

You need to get out - I work with in the domestic abuse & child protection arena and he is displaying most of the signs of an overbearing controller - both emotionally and financially. Children can pick up when things are wrong between parents and it can affect them massively. The only things children need are the basics really, your love, emotional support and time. Don't worry about the illness aspect - as long as you are managing your condition with the appropriate support you can only be praised by family courts etc if they need to assess later the welfare of your son. Always listen to your gut instincts - if you moved you would be even more isolated. See the advice of your local domestic abuse group - they can support you and give you a lot of advice on all aspects of your live without him. If he is threatening you with all sorts of action rearding your son - you really need to get out for your son and your sake. Keep a diary of threats/ things he does or says that are unreasonable. If things end up going to family court in the future - you will have an accurate record of his true personality and the way he has treated you and your son. Best of luck .

Originalfoogirl Wed 20-Sep-17 11:57:26

Read what you wrote. Imagine it was being written by your son's future girlfriend. Do you really have to ask this question?

XJerseyGirlX Wed 20-Sep-17 11:59:05

What Ginkypig says... OP, leaving now will have a less detrimental affect on your MH than if you stay with this man and allow him to move you to a remote place where he can 100% control you.

cheeseandpineapple Wed 20-Sep-17 11:59:05

It sounds like he's trying to bully you into submission OP and using your son to control you and continue to be his skivvy.

He's not interested in your son. If you called his bluff he would most likely back track. Not suggesting you do call his bluff!

Stand up to him and end the relationship because you have the upper hand. He needs you more than you need him. Tighter finances are a much better alternative to being oppressed and bullied.

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