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Do I confront him or not?

(46 Posts)
upsetanddontknowwhattodo Wed 20-Sep-17 09:09:38

To give you all the info and avoid drip feeding...
DH and I have a 14mo DS, since he was born I can count on one hand how many nights out I've had with friends, I think DH and I have only been out 3 times together. DH goes out on average 2/3 times a month usually for most of the Saturday then has a long lie on the Sunday. I've probably had about 5 long lies since DS was born. It's not that DH wouldn't get up with him but there always something to do on the days that DH isn't out so I don't really get a chance. He's also had 3 weekends away with his friends and a full weekend in the house to himself when i took DS to visit a family member as he said he would rather not come. Even the night of my 30th birthday party after getting home I was up with DS overnight then up at 6 in the morning the next day. All fine so far, yes sometimes I resent how unequal it is but I don't get my knickers in a twist about it.

Anyway his text messages must automatically back up to our shared laptop and when I was looking for a file I came across them. I never thought I'd be one to snoop and I wish I hadn't, my only defence is I saw my name when I opened one without knowing what the files were so I was curious.
I didn't read them all but enough that I'm really upset with him, basically lots of chat with his friends and in them they're talking about nights out / weekends away etc and DH kept making out Im basically some controlling / nagging wife. Things like he might not be allowed to do something, his friends asking how he was managing to get two nights out in a row and he said only because i was coming on one of them, he had invited two of his friends over here on the morning before going out one day and one said 'better not upset will be mad', I wouldn't be mad at all but he didn't stick up for me, just laughed and said we'll go to the pub then. Saying he was going to take DS to stay at his mums one night (at the end of the month) so I can have a night off and lie in and 'do you think she'd do that for me?' Friend replied 'probably not but good to have in the bank' erm what about the 4 full weekends he's had plus numerous nights out hmm A lot of talk about doing stuff for me to 'have in the bank'. Basically it all comes across as the only reason he does anything for me is to get a night out in return, the only reason he spends any time with us at the weekend is because he wouldn't be 'allowed' to go out every weekend. He was invited on a week long holiday which he turned down saying he'd better not or he'd get grief (erm how about saying my wife looks after my ds 24/7 so it's probably not fair if I go away yet again)
I don't understand why he's being so horrible about me to his friends and from comments they've made back they clearly think I'm this horrible controlling wife and I'm really not. Im mortified, we're meant to be going out for a meal with a few of these people at the end of the month (which I was going to leave early from to relieve mil who is babysitting) to allow DH to stay out with his friends! I don't even want to go now Im so embarrassed that's what they all think of me.
I noticed none of them were being so disrespectful about their wife's and partners.
It's like he doesn't love me at all sad
Do I say something to him? I mean I can't change his attitude can I?

Notreallyarsed Wed 20-Sep-17 09:15:21

I'd say something, he's treating you like shit and slagging you off behind your back. There's no need for that. Also, why do you never get a lie in/night off? Especially one without "being in the bank", if he's going to use that logic you're due 4 weekends away and a shitload of nights out/lie ins!

Fishface77 Wed 20-Sep-17 09:19:59

Ooh go in the night out and really put the boot in.
Moan about him to his friends wives. Show him up.
Repay him in kind the Cunt.

WhyamIBoredathome Wed 20-Sep-17 09:20:14

It's going to cause a massive fight I guess but I wouldn't be able to let it lie, I'd have to confront him.

thatdearoctopus Wed 20-Sep-17 09:21:48

Too damn right you confront him! How DARE he disrespect both you and your marriage like that?

Sooooooooooooooooooooo Wed 20-Sep-17 09:25:14

Of course you have to confront him, I would be furious. I would also screen shot everything before he deletes it.

Don't let him play it down though as 'only joking' and 'lads banter'. He'll try and minimise.

Ellendegeneres Wed 20-Sep-17 09:26:53

I'd confront him. What douchenozzle.

upsetanddontknowwhattodo Wed 20-Sep-17 09:26:53

God I just noticed how long my op was, sorry folks!
I just don't know how to move forward from this, basically he either actually thinks I'm a horrible wife or he wants his friends to and he never actually wants to spend any time with us. Every time he takes ds out for a walk, i'll be thinking he's only doing it to put in the 'bank'.
What's the point in being married then if he's so unhappy.

gingergenius Wed 20-Sep-17 09:27:14

Yep! I'd be saying something. Looks like he's blustering for the boys and giving a totally skewed perception of his life and he absolutely needs to be called on his misogynistic bullshit

gingergenius Wed 20-Sep-17 09:27:59

@Ellendegeneres douchenozzle!😂

NeedsAsockamnesty Wed 20-Sep-17 09:31:37

That is incredibly dishonest and I would find it very hurtful. I don't know what I would do about it but I know I would be very very upset

Dumbo412 Wed 20-Sep-17 09:31:49

Not often I feel disgusted, but that's really awful op. How dare he speak about you like that?

44PumpLane Wed 20-Sep-17 09:34:45

I would be very upset by that OP.

Your husband may be playing up for his mates but it's childish and really disrespectful. It particularly marginalises the fact you seem very reasonable about his very active social life that excludes you and leaves you picking up the slack with the baby.

I would have to sit down and have a discussion about this with him, prior to the chat try and write down all the times you can remember him having been out and all the times you've been out. Write down any recent lie ins you can remember you having versus him and see if you can show him how unequally it's weighted.

Perhaps let him know that if he only does stuff so "it's in the bank" then maybe you should plan a couple weekends off for you in the near future as you surely must have a bigger "bank" than him.

Good luck! YANU to be upset about this.

Sooooooooooooooooooooo Wed 20-Sep-17 10:00:38

I think you've banked quite a lot OP.

Gorygloria Wed 20-Sep-17 10:04:48

Does he also say he's babysitting whenever he looks after the kids alone?! It doesn't appear he's left his single, childfree days behind him. I'm sorry for you OP, definitely confront and stand up for yourself flowers

ZoeWashburne Wed 20-Sep-17 10:24:04

I think you hit the nail on the head of 'why are you here if we are so horrible.'

I would 100% confront him. This is his son too. I don't think you are wrong to say how much this has hurt and embarrassed you. That you would never, ever think to slag him off to your friends. And I would genuinely ask him if he wants to leave, because you aren't going to force someone to stay with you as he obviously doesn't respect or care for your feelings. I would also ask him how he plans to fix this.

If he tries to call this Lads banter, make the point that none of the other 'lads' are saying this about their partners. He is acting like a high school mean girl. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking that you are doing something wrong.

HailLapin Wed 20-Sep-17 10:32:28

Please confront him op. As others have said , he's taking the piss and being vile. People shouldn't slag their partner off to others , they should have the balls and maturity to bring things up rather than do this.

Also don't let him bully you into being a "cool wife" , or play the "Tom's Mrs doesn't mind this or that" card , they're both equally manipulative things.

Winteriscomingneedmorewood Wed 20-Sep-17 10:36:42

Ltb. .
Your aren't a team in his eyes. .
And when exactly does he parent his own child?

WatchingFromTheWings Wed 20-Sep-17 10:36:51

Wow! What a twat!! I'd have to respond to every bullshit lie point and forward the entire lot to everyone involved in the conversations and then some including him! Embarrass the shit out of him!!

Clandestino Wed 20-Sep-17 10:43:29

Please confront him. It sounds like he has zero respect to you as his partner and equal.
He is not a good father to his child.
He is not a good partner to you.
He comes across as selfish, immature and disrespectful to you and your relationship and is using you to get sympathy from his friends.
TBH, he sounds totally like my father who went from inability to cope with becoming a father at a young age straight to multiple midlife crises and never really grew up.

lookatyourwatchnow Wed 20-Sep-17 10:44:52

I despise this 'lads' talk bullshit. I doubt he even means what he's saying, it seems to be a culture for some men of how they talk about their wives and partners and it's all such fake, immature lads ball and chain banter.

Disn3yN3rd Wed 20-Sep-17 10:46:59

I would be heartbroken if that were my DH.

I wouldn't be able to rest without confronting him. I'm so sorry you have had to read this OP.

SemiNormal Wed 20-Sep-17 10:48:39

I'd probably print the lot off and when he walks in from work I'd hand him the print outs in an envelope and then walk out the door. I'd book a night in a hotel and not answer my phone then only talk when I was ready to do so. Not sure I could forgive him though.

hardhatfirmlyon Wed 20-Sep-17 10:52:35

Is he/are you both very young or is he just really immature? Did he want parenthood or was it unplanned? Also are all these 'friends' childfree? It sounds like he hasn't adjusted well to being a Dad and needs a reality check. He also sounds like a manchild who is being really self-centred and a reluctant parent.

Definitely confront (btw - I wouldn't normally recommend sharing a thread with the subject of the thread but you have been nothing but sweet, honest and distraught on it, we are the ones who think he is a self-involved prick, I'd show him to show not only how upset you are but how lucky he is that he's married to you!). Good luck OP.

Grumpyrealist77 Wed 20-Sep-17 10:52:40

He MAY be mirroring his friends feelings towards their own partners....

Only you would know this OP, if things have been good between you both in your eyes up till now (obviously he needs to pull his finger out re looking after HIS OWN children) then maybe he's painting you out to be a nag to make his friends feel better about their naggy partners?!?!!?? (The men's perceptions, obviously)

His friends have asked how he gets two nights out in a row and maybe they aren't allowed?? You've said you don't moan about it, but maybe you do need to redress the balance...? Not that you should have to!

These are only theories, you will know if they ring true. I am not trying to excuse his poor behaviour and I do feel he's letting you down regardless of his motives...

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