Anyone else's DH just start arguments for no reason?

[ProverbialOuthouse]

He used to do this all the time but past year or so has been great. We've been getting on, no major squabbles, no worries.

Then two weekends ago he started snapping at me for no reason, purposely picking fault with everything and had a face on for no reason - totally ruined the weekend with no explanation. Afterwards - fine again.

Then yesterday he came home from work, had a face on, barely spoke to me and was basically being "off" but insisted nothing was wrong. My DS (18) has just got into cooking so made dinner for everyone. He's very proud of his cooking skills so is always eager to know what people think - first thing DH said was "where's the rest of it?" Having a dog at the portion size. He made out he was joking but that would have set DS back a bit which he knows. Then before he sat down to eat he asked DS why the floor was slippery and accused him of dropping oil and not cleaning it up. Why couldn't he just sit down and enjoy the meal for fucks sake?? Afterwards he made a big song and dance clattering around in the kitchen tidying up DSs "mess".

He eventually came back to living room (after playing on computer for an hour) and again was being really off with me. I asked him what was wrong and he said "nothing, in just tired". I pushed it slightly and he erupted into a rant about DS making a mess in the kitchen and it's always him having to clean it up. I said "why not just call DS down and tell him to clean up rather than making a song and dance about it?". He then erupted further into me always taking DSs sides, he's always the odd one out, he thought he had a wife and not a lodger (!!!???) etc etc ... he ranted on for ages. I switched off in the end and he carried on ranting at me for ages and hasn't spoken to me since!!!!

What's the point? Really? Such a simple thing to go on about and remember he had a face on before DS cooked AND the kitchen wasn't half as bad as he made out as I'd seen it before hand and it was no worse than it is when anyone else cooks. He just wanted an excuse to go off on one.

[AlternativeTentacle]

Is he perhaps a bit of a wanker?

[Kannet]

To be fair. If I am tired and just feeling a bit off it's so annoying if someone keeps asking, what's up why do you have a face on. Sometimes I am just tired and have had a bad day and want to be left alone.

[ProverbialOuthouse]

Yes but it's the unpredictability of it, the randomness of these moods - I can't be arsed with it anymore. It happens when we're on holiday too. Everything can be fine then all of a sudden he's got a face on and we're arguining and he won't stop. He can't do the mature thing and say "so and so is bothering me, let's chat and then get on again". No he has to turn it into a full day (sometimes two) worth of arguining and if I don't take part (which I try not to do these days) it's just a couple of days of sulking instead. I'm so sick of it.

[AlternativeTentacle]

When you say unpredictable, does there seem to be any pattern? For example holidays and weekends are when most families have together time...is he trying to get you to react or just wanting to spoil things you like for any reason? There will be a common factor and he is trying to push your buttons for some reason.

Or he is just an utter cunt.

[DoJo]

To be fair. If I am tired and just feeling a bit off it's so annoying if someone keeps asking, what's up why do you have a face on. Sometimes I am just tired and have had a bad day and want to be left alone.

If you say that you are tired and want to be left alone, then fair enough. If you stamp around making life miserable for everyone else then you can't complain if they expect you to either be civil or tell them what's up.

[BeforeWeFade]

My DH isn't like this but my dad was -- on a daily basis. I feel for you OP because it was terrible as a daughter, and I know that it was so hard for my DM to deal with. We felt like we could never do a single thing right. I always knew I would be yelled at for something random on a daily basis. Literally got ranted at for reading a book a few times because he thought I was trying to be better than the rest of the family and for working on homework past my bedtime as a teen.

Your DS did a sweet thing making dinner for everyone, and like you said he was proud of it. Don't let your DP take away that pride or cause your DS to begin questioning every action he makes at home for fear that there will be a negative reaction.

You have my thoughts Would he be open to trying family counseling?

[MargaretTwatyer]

That doesn't sound like it's about nothing. He said what the matter was, he's fed up with being left cleaning up other people's mess and he thinks you undermine him with your son. That is not 'over nothing', you're just not listening to him and being dismissive.

I think you were a bit out of order to be honest. Oil on the floor is dangerous. You didn't like him mentioning the mess and asking him to clean up in that context but later on you ask why he just didn't ask him to clean up.

At 18 I don't think he should even need to be told to clean up. Why did he walk off and leave a mess? Perhaps because he knew if he was asked to clean up you would have jumped in and overruled it maybe?

[MargaretTwatyer]

But he is saying what's wrong! You're just not listening!

Honestly, this is typical Mumsnet. If a woman posted on here about being left to clean up mess by her OH and children and being undermined by her OH she would be getting piles of LTB. A man complains about the same and he's a cunt.

[TheNaze73]

Sorry but, I think this could be a medium to long game to split you up.
I may be cynical but, in 6 months time I'm betting he'll say things aren't working you'll seperate & there'll be OW on the scene in weeks.
I do hope I'm so wrong on this but, be careful

[LakieLady]

My XH was like this. Eventually, I couldn't stand it any longer and told him I wanted to end our marriage.

It's only with the benefit of hindsight that I realised that this sort of behaviour is a form of emotional abuse. Because it had gone on for so long, I'd forgotten what normal felt like. All those years of pussyfooting around him, being on tenterhooks for the next outburst and so on had made me a nervous wreck and utterly miserable.

Deciding to end it was a real relief, although it took another 5 years before the fucker actually moved out. That was a fantastic day!

[LiveLifeWithPassion]

Does he acknowledge that he's sometimes in a bad mood and ends up taking it out on the family?
Anyone can find themselves feeling 'off' and sometimes people don't know what caused it or don't want to talk about it.

That's the first step. The next is for him to find away to deal with it so his mood doesn't impact on the family. Maybe he can go have a shower, go for a walk or listen to some music, whatever instead.

[peachgreen]

My dad was like this until he retired. Suddenly he was calm, incredibly patient and loving. Has never raised his voice since.

Not that stress is an excuse for making your family walk on eggshells - but it might be something worth exploring with him.

I hated growing up in a house like this. My ex was similar and it wasn't until I left that I realised how much it was impacting my life. DH isn't like it at all, thankfully.

[LazyDailyMailJournos]

It doesn't sound to me like the kitchen mess was the problem - it sounds like he used it as an excuse to be arsey. Bearing in mind that OP said he came in from work in a mood, so it sounds as if he was looking for a fight.

Are you happy? It sounds as if you spend your time walking on eggshells, which can't be pleasant. Sometimes people have mood swings and ups and downs and take it out on those closest to them, but you've said he has form for having done this before, so the issue sounds more deep-rooted.

In your shoes I would be sitting him down and explaining to him the impact of his moods, the randomness of when they occur and the frustration you feel that he won't articulate what is wrong. If he's not willing to try and work on this then I'd be ending the relationship. Moodiness and nitpicking like this is incredibly corrosive and I certainly wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life on edge, tip-toeing round their moods and waiting for them to explode.

[Happyemoji]

Does he like his job? When I look back at my arguments with dp it was his job making him grumpy. I know that doesn't sound helpful but maybe you could suggest a career change. Since my partner started his new career he has changed sometimes I wait for it and it never happens.

[DarceyBusselsNose]

Bad day at work? No that peopel should bring their emotional work home but I guess if you're dealing with other peoples situations all day it takes an impact.

Financial issue? tight month?

Straw taht broke the camels back?

[existentialmoment]

My DH would say the same as you, that I start an argument for no reason. It's bollocks, I have every reason and I've already told him 3 times, he just hasn't listened.

Your 18 year old made loads of mess and didn't clear it up, and you're pissed off with your dh because he did clear it up? Sounds to me like he had a good reason to be pissed at you and you should apologise.

[RonSwansonsMoustache]

Maybe he's just in a bad mood?

[RaspberryOverload]

This DH came home in an arsy mood, the cleaning, etc, was an excuse for a fight.

Something else is going on. Either a stressful job, or maybe even an OW.

[TheRealBiscuitAddict]

Your ds made a mess and he was annoyed at having to clear it up. If this was the other way around people would be telling the woman to ltb unless the bloke could see the effort she puts in.


If DS had spilt oil on the floor he should have cleaned it up then and there and should have cleaned up the kitchen after cooking, in fact cleaning up ought to be a condition of being allowed into the kitchen in the first place.

You were the one out of line.

[Whosthemummynow]

Man has a long stressful day at work, kitchen left in a mess..... Of course it's an OW

Fucking MN 😂 😂

[existentialmoment]

I know, you could't make this shit up. If OP were in the husbands position it would be a very different matter.

[PoorYorick]

I want to hear his side.

[NC4now]

Do his issues get heard and taken on board, or does he say: "This has annoyed me" and everyone go: "YABU, you're in a bad mood, stop taking it out on us, you're making a song and dance over nothing", etc?

Because I know when I'm moody it's usually because no-one takes any notice of what I have said reasonably.

[RaspberryOverload]

This is about far more than some cleaning up.

OP says he has a history of this, then it got better but the last two weeks he has been in poor moods again.

So, something else is the issue, whether job, is, or something else. But it isn't just about clearing up.

[AprilLady4]