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AIBU?

To say I've had enough

14 replies

aliceinwonderlandbrum · 20/09/2017 05:55

Not really posted much before. Have two DC with children's father been with him for 5 years. Kids are almost 4 and 1. Relationship has been difficult at times. Both struggled with depression and my partner won't get himself additional support for that via the doctors or by talking to his own (albeit useless) family. Even though I've gone and got him registration forms for the doctors and filled them out myself 3 times, so he could go and access psychological support for the depression/general negative way he sees life with.
Anyway sorry I'm babbling.
I've got up and I don't know what possessed me to look through his phone but I did.
I have done this before and it's always been the same, Facebook messages to various women over the space of the past few months. We are talking April until now. What's ap messages. Bloody Snapchat. That's a new one, can't see any messages on that one but can see he has lots of women on the contact lists?

These Facebook and what's ap messages are mostly along the lines of "hey sexy" "how are you" etc etc and then him complimenting them in various ways and exaggerating any good points about his life to them. Eg. His job is fantastic, life is fantastic. Fucking news to me! Everything's shit when he's talking to me!

He told one woman that he had a dream about her and woke up hard! I'm livid- slimy bastard!
And one woman it looks as though he may have collected her from her house from how the messages have gone. I've tried to correlate the date and remember if he was out that day but because it's a far back as April I can't remember.
He's done this before. No instances of cheating I've ever been able to prove apart from him getting a blow job in our house a few years ago.

Would you put up with anymore?
If I am to end it. How do I end it while creating the smallest upheaval for the kids. I'm so worried about our almost 4 year old. He loves his dad and honestly as well I'm worried how I'll cope without his little bit of piss poor help he can offer at times.
I'm worried where he will go and how often the kids will get to see their dad or stay with him. He will have no where to live apart from on his mum's sofa as he has no savings and all his money at the moment goes on our rent and his car.

Someone please help me and sorry for any typos or rambling.

OP posts:
Justanothernameonthepage · 20/09/2017 06:13

First thing is to work out what you have. If his money all goes on rent, do you have enough income to cover it? Can you and the kids move in with family near by? Do you have a financial cushion?
Sounds heartless, but it's easier to make a decision and better for the kids if there is a plan in place where things will go as smoothly as possible. And you can't assume that he will willingly pay his fair share from week one of a break up.

aliceinwonderlandbrum · 20/09/2017 06:25

Thanks for your reply. I guess the easy answers are I do have an enough to cover the rent it will be tight but it's defiantly do able- even saying that offers a glimmer of hope I wasn't sure I had. And we could stay elsewhere with family very local if need be. Do you think that could be a good idea to do while he gets his stuff together? and then once he has gone we move back in? I know he has always said he wouldn't stay at home if we weren't here i.e. he would go and we would stay

OP posts:
Justanothernameonthepage · 20/09/2017 06:47

That glimmer of hope is a good thing :).

Justanothernameonthepage · 20/09/2017 06:49

Sorry, posted too soon.
You need to sit down and talk with him. Whether you frame it as a break or a clean ending.
Start from a position of 50/50 custody (not worrying about where he'd look after them). Be prepared to move in with family to give him some time to get things sorted.

aliceinwonderlandbrum · 20/09/2017 06:51

Thanks just another that's really helped some realistic and helpful advice there. The part about 50 50 custody. How would it work if he works full time and I am a sahm?

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Justanothernameonthepage · 20/09/2017 06:51

And if you are at all worried about his reaction on being told, make sure you have some bags with stuff in for you and the kids, so you can get out and away if necessary. And do it in a public place.

Justanothernameonthepage · 20/09/2017 06:54

It could be a case of week on/week off, where you share cost of nursery. Or one couple I know who splitter amicably, the SAHP takes the role of unpaid childminder and the other parent picks up in the evenings every other week and has a full weekend every fortnight.

Justdontknow4321 · 20/09/2017 06:55

Leave. He sounds like a massive twat. Messaging other women like that.

Being a single mum your be entitled to some benefits as well which might help.

Justanothernameonthepage · 20/09/2017 06:58

He might not want 50/50, but it's better for the kids and showing you're willing to be flexible can make the transition to co-parent instead of partners easier. May be worth looking at mediation services to find a way that works for both of you

aliceinwonderlandbrum · 20/09/2017 09:12

Thank everyone the advice is much appreciated. Just reading replies is helping bolster my courage for the conversation we will be having later after the kids are asleep I don't know why I need to wait until then but talking to him about it over the phone while he's at work seems to trivialise it.

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aliceinwonderlandbrum · 20/09/2017 09:14

Also just another thanks your advice has helpful it doesn't all have to be never talking to each other ever again he has hinted that he would make things difficult before I'm regards to me arranging for him to see DC. Along the lines of it would be too hard for him to see me in anyway after breaking up. Selfish treat what about the kids? Is that what we call emotional blackmail?

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Justanothernameonthepage · 20/09/2017 09:22

Sounds like a charmer. If he pulls that kind of thing, point out that it's about the kids, not about each other. And that your willing (if you are) to leave the kids with a family member (either side) and he can pick them up without seeing you.
But staying with someone willing to emotionally blackmail you into a relationship wouldn't be someone I'd want to stay with.

Justanothernameonthepage · 20/09/2017 09:26

Oh and can I just say that if you have a good relationship with his family, try and keep it going. It means even if he turns out to be not willing to co-parent, the kids still get a sense of an extended family and support. (Also helps reduce the chance of him playing father4justice role of evil ex to his family and alienating the kids from people who love them)

aliceinwonderlandbrum · 20/09/2017 09:29

Thanks just another reading your posts is really putting the fire up my bum and I'm actually looking forward to the conversation later a bit now. Also I am starting to be able to compile a mental list of how things will be better if we aren't together

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