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To say I've had enough

(21 Posts)
aliceinwonderlandbrum Wed 20-Sep-17 05:55:17

Not really posted much before. Have two DC with children's father been with him for 5 years. Kids are almost 4 and 1. Relationship has been difficult at times. Both struggled with depression and my partner won't get himself additional support for that via the doctors or by talking to his own (albeit useless) family. Even though I've gone and got him registration forms for the doctors and filled them out myself 3 times, so he could go and access psychological support for the depression/general negative way he sees life with.
Anyway sorry I'm babbling.
I've got up and I don't know what possessed me to look through his phone but I did.
I have done this before and it's always been the same, Facebook messages to various women over the space of the past few months. We are talking April until now. What's ap messages. Bloody Snapchat. That's a new one, can't see any messages on that one but can see he has lots of women on the contact lists?

These Facebook and what's ap messages are mostly along the lines of "hey sexy" "how are you" etc etc and then him complimenting them in various ways and exaggerating any good points about his life to them. Eg. His job is fantastic, life is fantastic. Fucking news to me! Everything's shit when he's talking to me!

He told one woman that he had a dream about her and woke up hard! I'm livid- slimy bastard!
And one woman it looks as though he may have collected her from her house from how the messages have gone. I've tried to correlate the date and remember if he was out that day but because it's a far back as April I can't remember.
He's done this before. No instances of cheating I've ever been able to prove apart from him getting a blow job in our house a few years ago.

Would you put up with anymore?
If I am to end it. How do I end it while creating the smallest upheaval for the kids. I'm so worried about our almost 4 year old. He loves his dad and honestly as well I'm worried how I'll cope without his little bit of piss poor help he can offer at times.
I'm worried where he will go and how often the kids will get to see their dad or stay with him. He will have no where to live apart from on his mum's sofa as he has no savings and all his money at the moment goes on our rent and his car.

Someone please help me and sorry for any typos or rambling.

BootsMagoots Wed 20-Sep-17 06:01:49

Definitely not. But only you know. But if you're asking the question then I'd say deep down you already know the answer.

Big hugs.

aliceinwonderlandbrum Wed 20-Sep-17 06:14:54

Thanks Boots. I feel so angry. Stupid and scared. It's almost like I'm not upset for my own sake more just posses off at him that he would put me in a situation where I know feel as though I need to end the relationship for my own self respect sanity and happiness and in consequence endanger my child's happiness. Does that make sense?

aliceinwonderlandbrum Wed 20-Sep-17 06:15:14


nodogsinthebedroom Wed 20-Sep-17 06:16:46

YANBU flowers

aliceinwonderlandbrum Wed 20-Sep-17 06:19:31

Thanks no dogs. I don't know where to start. How to tell him he needs to go. What's reasonable to expect. Anyone with any ideas on that one?

frozenfairy123 Wed 20-Sep-17 06:44:30

Ok I think u need to work out your immediate situation first before telling him to go.
What is the situation with where u are living? Who has rights to live there?
U will be able to claim for support but have u looked into what and how much? Have u done your finances?
Unless it's a done deal he has cheated then u need to at least give him a chance to explain and stay in the house till he can sort out somewhere to go. Ultimately he will be in your life for your kids so be nice even if u skin is crawling with anger. Once the break has been made then u can work out how to arrange visits for your kids. Good luck

Bananmanfan Wed 20-Sep-17 06:47:50

I would 100% class the getting blow job in your house as cheating, the scummy

FenceSitter01 Wed 20-Sep-17 06:52:42

I think you know the answer to your question ..... pack his bags ......

aliceinwonderlandbrum Wed 20-Sep-17 06:54:31

I'm a sahm and we do receive some help. Technically I can afford the rent just about. And truly that would be very liberating. But in turn I think maybe if I move to my mums down the road and then he stays here while sorting some things out it won't take long he has always said he wouldn't stay here without me and the kids.

aliceinwonderlandbrum Wed 20-Sep-17 06:55:08

Banana and sitting on fence thanks too you're absolutely right

RiotAndAlarum Wed 20-Sep-17 08:54:51

Sounds as though that's his idea of "therapy," so let him go, and see how that works out for him. TBH, lots and lots of "hey sexy" conversations indicate that he's not got very far with any of them, so when you do leave him/ kick him out (the situation as it stands is unsustainable), he may be back, with some heavy emotional blackmail. However, he doesn't sound trustworthy as a husband or as a stable father figure, so he has to work on that, rather than using blackmail to get things he's not actually entitled to.

Birdsgottafly Wed 20-Sep-17 09:08:04

Do not leave your house, once you do he isn't under any obligation to move out and you move back in.

He has cheated on you and how would you feelit it carried on, in what was once your home.

He sounds unhappy and knows this, rather than needing treatment for depression. He may be staying because he can have his cake and eat it with you. Unhappy isn't depression.

If you move out you are giving him Carte Blanche to cheat.

I've seen it time and time again.

You are getting the worse of him, whilst he is showing the best of himself to the Women he wants for sex.

Dump his arse onto his Mother's couch and let him see how green the grass is. Compare you packing up with the children and him, why would you even consider moving out?

ArcheryAnnie Wed 20-Sep-17 09:09:37

I can promise you that ensuring your happiness by separating from a lying, cheating partner, will not endanger your DCs happiness. Will the upheaval upset them in the short term? Probably, but children are incredibly adaptable, and living with a mum who isn't stressed and unhappy will be more important for them in the long run. And do you really want your DC growing up with him as a model of what it is to be a man and a father? Because that's what is happening now.

Butterymuffin Wed 20-Sep-17 09:11:17

Don't move out. You will have the kids with you, he can go to his mum's. Plus you've said you can afford the rent.
If he only gives you 'a little bit of piss poor help' now, you'll manage fine without him.

aliceinwonderlandbrum Wed 20-Sep-17 09:31:48

Thanks everyone I'm almost welcoming the conversation we are going to have now. And I'm sort of looking forward to the changes it will bring in ways.

Collidascope Wed 20-Sep-17 10:14:55

I bet your own depression has been made worse by living with a man who refuses to see a doctor about his own mental health, who doesn't seem to help you at all with the kids, and who cheats on you. Living with someone like that can't be doing anything for your self esteem and it must drag you down too. And as pp said, it's not a good relationship model for your children. He'll still be able to see your children, and to be honest, it might be good for him to have sole responsibility for them when they are with him as I imagine as it is now, he pretty much leaves the childcare to you.
Good luck. You don't deserve to be treated the way he has treated you. His depression, which he hasn't attempted to get help with, isn't an excuse to cheat on you.

aliceinwonderlandbrum Wed 20-Sep-17 11:05:46

Thank you callido yes when we are together I feel like I do 80-90% childcare and 95% housework. And I have to nag for that then I get the eye rolling or the huffing and puffing.
He bores me most of the time, I'm not even that attracted to him anymore.
We disagree on lots of parenting matters. Sometimes his bad upbringing (not knowing his dad and being abused by his step dad verbally and mentally) comes in as almost an excuse.

Babyroobs Wed 20-Sep-17 11:11:00

Kick him out, claim housing benefit for the rent. Just be careful you don't get switched to Universal credit though as that is a nightmare. Make sure he pays every penny of child maintainence that he is required to pay.

JWrecks Wed 20-Sep-17 23:25:50

Absolutely would not put up with that shit.

KC225 Thu 21-Sep-17 10:52:33

Agree with the others. Getting a blow anywhere from anyone other than you is cheating, and in your family home. Do not leave your home, the kids get the stability of their family home. He can go to his Mother or maybe one of the 'sexy ladies' can take him in. He may have said, he would never live there without you or the kids but having done all this behind your back, can you really trust him. He may just stay out of spite or move someone in really quickly.

Do not worry about the physical help, you seem to do most if it anyway. The fact you will not have him to worry about, look after and nag him will lessen your burden and give you more energy.

It will be hard and an upheaval but you will regain your self worth and self respect. Millions of children survive and thrive after break ups. If he is at his mum's, it's another pair of eyes, wen he had them. He still gets to see them - be prepared for Disney dad though.

Have you told your mum? Can she offer some practical help, occupying the kids whilst you discuss this etc. Bit of babysitting that sort of stuff.

Good luck OP

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