My mother turned up to visit my newborn in hospital high on drugs(60 Posts)
My mother had significant mental health problems and has recently taken the decision to come off her long acting mental health medicine against medical and faniku advice due to weight gain.
When she is well she is wonderful. When she is ill she is manic, aggressive, abusive and violent. For several years she had a speed problem and seemed to have conquered it but I have suspected relapse for several weeks now.
I've just had my first baby after a week long hospital stay, three day labour and an emergency c section.
My mother turned up on the train unannounced with balloons, cards, gifts the works... but very clearly high on speed.
All the tell tale signs were there including being aggressive when challenged. I asked her to leave her she refused and threatened to hit me, to which I told her I would call the police.
She then told my DH that she wasn't high and new mothers are always a mess with hormones.
She said she came all this way to stay for a few weeks to get my house 'in order' again, I told her I won't have drug use around my child and to leave. She refused. I asked DH to call security and she became very aggressive. I left the room and told the midwives the situation. DH took her to the station to go gone.
I'm devastated. Disappointed. Heartbroken. I feel so hurt and let down but not surprised. She kept saying how she had spent £50 on the train and more on gifts and I know it's alot of money for her but I just can't have her around my newborn.
I feel so so so sad. So guilty. Please can someone talk to me.
You have absolutely nothing at all to feel guilty about.
You can't fight your mums demons, especially when she isn't prepared to fight them herself (hence her coming off her medication). That's heart breaking, but Sadly it's a fact.
Your new born baby comes before anyone. Of course you don't want him/her faced with that sort of adversity and upset, and You're in no fit state for it. You've just had a serious operation. Plus you had to get her leave in consideration for the other mums and babies.
I can't stress enough that you've done absolutely nothing wrong.
Congratulations on the birth of your baby!
I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with your mother's behaviour and all these, very understandable, emotions around that. I don't have any experience of what you're going through with her, but didn't want to read and run.
Hard though it must have been, you and your DH have done the right thing. Your priority just now has to be on your baby and your own health and well-being. In time, once you're recovered from the birth, back home and getting yourself settled into a routine, maybe think about how to re-engage with DM, setting good boundaries which protect your own new family and will be good for her too.
You could chat to your midwife about what happened and see what support you can access through the hospital.
Again, congratulations on your new baby!
I'm very sorry your DM has fucked up what should have been a lovely time for you
Congratulations on the birth of your baby
I know that protecting my DD is way more important than not hurting my DM's feelings by asking her to leave but it still hurts.
Congratulations lawn (love the name btw!)
Yanbu at all. You have nothing feel guilty about. You're a Mum yourself now and you need to put dc first, and if that means not being around a drugged up grandmother then so be it.
We are quite short for money with DH being on paternity leave but do you think I should transfer the £50 train fair back to her?
As I asked her to leave
I'm not surprised it hurts. It's such an important time for you and you've been through so much - it would have been nice to be able to concentrate on yourself and your wee bundle without having to worry.
Do you have any siblings? Or anyone who could take over the worrying about Mum for the next while at least?
No, love. If she's on a downward spiral then you know where that £50 will go. Spend it on what you need for your baby.
If you transfer money to her could she spend it on drugs?
I think you need to think about the likelihood of that happening before you make any decisions.
I don't think you should feel obliged to transfer anything. MH problems or not, she is still an adult who should take responsibility for herself.
No Lawn. You shouldn't transfer the money over to her. You're blaming yourself, again. If she'd not turned up in that state you wouldn't have sent her home. You've just had a baby. They're not cheap with the best will in the world, plus you're already short of money. You can't afford to be transferring money into anyone's bank
Have you considered looking at the Stately Homes thread? Sounds like you're deep in FOG (gear obligation guilt).
None of this is your fault- you do realise that, don't you?
Congratulations on the baby!
You did exactly the right thing. It's a pity your mum can't be reasoned with in her intoxicated state, but your zero tolerance approach must stand firm.
I feel like it's my fault that she's so unhappy because I can't do anything for her to make her life better.
DH and I recently decorated her flat. I sorted out her bills and her debts. Got her proper glasses from the opticians.
Managed to save enough money to buy her new towels and bedding and rugs.
I even managed to save my boots points all year to buy her her favourite dior perfume for birthday.. but I know buying things isn't what she needs. I just wanted to give her a better quality of life.
I feel like because I stopped visiting about 8 weeks ago when I first suspected drug use again that she got worse and used more because she's lonely.
I said to her today that I didn't have a choice to be around drugs when I was a child but I have a choice not to allow it around my baby.
Thank you all for being so kind to me. DH is asleep and I'm holding the baby. I keep weeping with grief and guilt.
You can't do anything to make her life better, yet. You've paid off all her debts bills and decorated her flat.
Id say she's been blessed to have such a caring daughter. You have nothing to reproach yourself about
Oh, Lawn. I'm sorry you're so sad.
It must be so hard, but you know you're doing the right thing - by your mother, even though she doesn't see it, and by your own precious baby.
This is a different scenario entirely, but a few years back I was having a really bad time at work, ended up off with stress and had counselling. One piece of advice, not easy to put into practice, but helpful, was to give myself a set amount of time to think about the things that were getting to me. I had ended up being ill because those thoughts were all consuming. Instead I was to decide, I'll think about these upsetting things for 20 minutes, say, then stop thinking about them and focus on other things.
Maybe you could say to yourself now, that you'll spend another, say 5 minutes thinking about your DM, then set those thoughts aside for now, and instead think about the joy and wonder of the beautiful baby you're holding. Look at your baby, smell your baby, the tiny fingernails, wonderful skin ...
I don't think we're being unreasonably kind, just truthful.
Your weeping is highly influenced by having just given birth! These hormones are intended to promote bonding. It's a pity that your mother has done her best to ruin this special time for you. Concentrate on your baby from now on, your child deserves your undivided attention.
Think of it this way....it was the lesser of two evils.
How much more guilt would you feel if you allowed her to be around your baby, to behave as she did to you when you were an innocent child?
You had to pick one and you picked right. Your mother makes her own choices, your baby is relying on you to make the right ones for her and you did.
Congratulations on your precious daughter. Snuggle her and be proud that you kept her safe. Of course you will be sad that you needed to , but you cant fighr your mums battles for her and if your mum was on her meds then I am sure she would agree that you did the right thing.
Congrats on the birth of your baby! Yay!!
Don't try and 'fix' your mother...obviously she has some mental health issues, but that coupled with her drug use is a recipe for disaster and it's not your mess to clean up. She is an adult and needs to look after herself! You've already helped her a lot, but you need to draw the line somewhere and I think her turning up whilst intoxicated is the time. Don't blame yourself and just concentrate on your own little family
Congratulations and well done for sticking to your guns. Sad that you don't have the support of a mother at this time, but your DH sounds like a good man.
When you are able, you could consider a Narcotics-Anonymous group for family members.
Remember the three Cs -
You didn't cause this.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
Don't refund her money. You know what she would spend it on and she didn't ask if she could come to see you.
You are clearly trying to be the best daughter and the best mum you can be. I think you are succeeding at both.
You need to protect your DD and you need to draw clear boundaries with your mum. Well done!!
Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful DD
OP this thread has made me cry. I hope you realise soon that you have done everything in your power and more to help DM. Yet she has gone into a downward spiral yet again - why? Because she is broken. She is broken, you did not break her, you cannot fix her. Please please stop carrying her, financially, emotionally, mentally. You're a mum now and you know your priority is your LO and your DH. You are doing the right thing setting boundaries now.
If it helps I have been going through the process of completely readjusting my relationship to my very difficult DM. Since having DS 8 months ago I have had an avalanche of buried memories come to the surface. I am in disbelief that a parent could do that to their child. I thought it was all fair game, normal, I deserved it etc. But I think about DS and can't imagine ever doing those things to him. It makes me realise my mother is a fundamentally damaged person and none of it was anything to do with me, I just happened to be in her field of influence and bore the brunt of her crazy.
Congratulations enjoy your LO, it goes so fast.
My dad has significant mental health issues. He takes a cocktail of drugs just to function.
He has ruined my 2 brothers and mine lives. My mum never stood up for us and she smoked herself to death, dying of lung cancer at 57. Due to the stress of living with him.
I REFUSE to feel guilty anymore or to be emotionally blackmailed. I'm sad all the time I don't have a normal dad, I'm so grateful that my partner is such a good dad to our son.
You and your hubby can provide the stability and reliability your mum will not be able to provide you with.
You should not feel guilty about protecting your family. You may always feel sad though and I understand that completely.
There is so much publicity on helping people with mental health issues, everyone seems to forget about the people who have to live with them every day.
The way I see it, you did the right thing for your mum by refusing to accept or turn a blind eye to her drugged state. Perhaps, when the drugs have worn off, she will start to see that she needs to stop using for good. If she can't it's very sad, but that's her call.
lawnofdelray Wed 20-Sep-17 02:13:19
"I feel like it's my fault that she's so unhappy because I can't do anything for her to make her life better."
a) You are not her mother, your first priority must be towards the child whose mother you are.
b) As your child grows older you will realise that you can't actually make their life happy and successful either: they have to do that. All you can do is provide them with tools. Every life has to be lived by the person whose life is it: we can't live somebody else's life by proxy, however much we may suspect that we'd be better at it.
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