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AIBU to think this is abusive behaviour

(33 Posts)
Leasa21 Tue 19-Sep-17 19:56:11

Me and my partner have been together 3 years and have 1 son who is 2. He's always been fairly controlling and I've always let it slide but lately it's got to me more and more to the point where I can't see a way out and spend most of my time crying.

He always has a problem with me being on my phone and will go on and on about it, if I'm to go out with friends he will be weird about it and theirs no way I'd be able to go on a night out without being accused of going to do all sorts so I just choose not to as it's not worth the hassle and rarely see friends. He picks at every little thing that I do and is always making an argument over nothing. He's never been physical but has smashed up lots of my things including an iPad, phone, vape etc and then dosnt offer to pay to repair it.

I'm constantly walking on egg shells and it has got to the point where for the millionth time I've said I want him to leave and he just turns around and says the only reason I want to be single is so I can sleep around (no idea where he gets that from as I'm not like that). He'll then try and talk me round and I give in because I can't be bothered to deal with the nastiness that comes out of his mouth.

He's been off work since last week and all we've done is argue and scream at each other and we just can't be together for long periods which dosnt really make sense as we're meant to be in a relationship. I've tried to stay out of his way and if he's down stairs il be upstairs but he will follow me around the house trying to get a rise out of me and then call me childish when I bite back.

This evening I've told him exactly how I feel and how I think he's abusive and how every day is like walking on egg shells and he's made out like I'm a liar and making it all up in my head when I know for a fact I'm not. I am leaving him but I just need to know that I'm not the crazy one for thinking all of that behaviour is avusive, theirs lots of other examples of his controlling behaviour as well but I'd be here all day

Julia001 Tue 19-Sep-17 19:59:32

That's terrible, you need to get him to leave, is it a joint house? I would be making arrangements for my single life, do you have a join account? open your own account and make sure that there is some money in it , you really don't want to be living like this, my ex was abusive, get him to leave or move out yourself, it isn't you, it is him X

Changerofname987654321 Tue 19-Sep-17 20:00:06

You are definitely not crazy and you must get out to protect you and your son.

If he has smashed things up then he has been physically absuive. Do not tell him when you are leaving. Just go. When you move do contact the police and explain the situation so they will respond quickly if you need to call them.

If you think you are in any physical danger, pick up your child, go to a neighbours and dial 999.

ShowMePotatoSalad Tue 19-Sep-17 20:02:52

Here are the plain facts based on what you have said in your post:

- He destroys your property (particularly property which allows you communication with the outside world, eg your iPad and phone. Commits criminal damage in the process)

- Emotionally manipulates you into not seeing friends or leaving the house, by instigating arguments and accusing you of things (I presume he accuses you of cheating or potentially cheating?)

- Refusing to acknowledge you want to leave him - turns it round on you and blames you, gaslights you into believing you are just being "childish'.

This is abusive behaviour. Get help as soon as possible as it will only get worse. flowers

Bananalanacake Tue 19-Sep-17 20:04:19

Yes, very abusive. I know from this forum if he smashes possessions next it could be you. Do you rent or own your home.

Penguins333 Tue 19-Sep-17 20:05:37

Abusive: yes. Piece of shit: yes. Should you be around this pathetic person? No.

SusanTheGentle Tue 19-Sep-17 20:05:53

He's never been physical but has smashed up lots of my things

That is physical abuse. And everything else is mental abuse. I don't know what to suggest to help but your thoughts and feelings about this are completely valid.

Penguins333 Tue 19-Sep-17 20:07:28

Oh and OP in my experience, personally, smashing things soon leads to smashing faces / bodies. Be prepared for that or leave. As a matter of urgency.

ShinyStella Tue 19-Sep-17 20:11:15

Get away from him, take your son and go.

If you have to, take nothing else. Just get out safely and get away.

Go to family, a friend or contact womens aid.

Don't go back and cut contact with him.

Life is too short. You are worth more.

But more than anything, you can't have your little child growing up in that environment and learning those behaviours.

Be brave. Lift your child and get out.

LunaTheCat Tue 19-Sep-17 20:13:10

Tell someone close to you now. Phone a charity dealing with abused women. Leave asap and don't tell him you are going. Women are often very at risk when they leave. Get out. Good luck.
NB abusers usually minimise their behaviour. It is normal to be unsure of yourself and question your own judgment - that is the result of being abused.

pleasingone Tue 19-Sep-17 20:18:20

Leave as soon as you can

MehMehAndMeh Tue 19-Sep-17 20:20:20

Yup definitely abusive, get your son away from that environment.
Get help leaving, do not tell him.
Have a separate email for contact involving your son, do not respond to anything else. Arrange for him to be available for contact either at a contact centre at first or via a third party (willing relative or friend). You can be in another room if you wish, just have someone else do the actual handovers so there is no temptation to argue on the doorstep or try to manipulate you.

MehMehAndMeh Tue 19-Sep-17 20:21:11

Or if you think it may be too dangerous cut all contact.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 19-Sep-17 20:22:45

You can't possibly run fast enough away from this hideous man. Grab your things and go stay with family or friends.

EvilDoctorBallerinaDuckKeidis Tue 19-Sep-17 20:26:25

You're not crazy, I only recently found out that DM was in an abusive relationship for almost my entire life. He kept it very well hidden. Please leave. flowers

DancingLedge Tue 19-Sep-17 20:29:16

You're not crazy.
He is abusive and controlling.

Look after

DJBaggySmalls Tue 19-Sep-17 20:33:37

Yanbu, he's abusive. You can use Womens Aid and the police for help.

Womens Aid can offer practical advice and support, including the Freedom program.
0808 2000 247
Freephone 24 hr National Domestic Violence Helpline Run in partnership between Women’s Aid & Refuge

He is a textbook case;

And remember, coercive control is illegal, abuse is illegal, he is completely in the wrong.

ruthrose38 Tue 19-Sep-17 20:45:25

Make a plan to leave, keep it secret from him and get out as soon as you can.
Ring Womens Aid or your local Domestic Violence Service charity for help and advice.
Speaking from experience this is definitely abuse and it only gets worse.

Aperolspritzer123 Tue 19-Sep-17 22:51:58

Exactly what everyone else said. This will only get worse. Get your baby and get out of there.

IAmNotAWitch Tue 19-Sep-17 23:15:08

Your son is learning from him how to be a man.

Leasa21 Wed 20-Sep-17 10:20:00

Thank you guys. I knew deep down I wasn't being crazy but I've always made exscuses for his behaviour e.g I'm his first proper girlfriend even though he's 28 and I'm 24 and also he heavily drinks and uses drugs at the weekend so I always make out that's why he's the way he his but I've realised now it's not it's just he's a nasty person deep down

The house is actually mine as in my name is on the tenency agreement not his and every time I kick him out he will stand outside screaming and shouting and he knows I will give in as I get embarresed the neighbours being able to see as a few of them are ex school friends or work colleagues.

He did get offered a work contract 200 miles away and we said we would try to work on things as it will give us space as he will be away Monday to Thursday but he said he wasn't going to take the contract as he dosnt trust me at home on my own as il invite friends around etc (baring in mind most of my friends have never hung out at my house before so no idea where this comes from)

Thank you for all the comments I just need to work up the courage to actually kick him out and not feel any guilt over the fact he has no where to go and let that be his problem

Ttbb Wed 20-Sep-17 10:23:17

You are not crazy. Well done for standing up for yourself.

Justanothernameonthepage Wed 20-Sep-17 10:32:15

Please contact domestic violence support. Often abusers ramp up when a relationship is ending. Please make sure you have people nearby when you tell him (friends/family/anyone).
If he yells outside, call the police and inform then he is abusive. They will take you seriously and will remove him from the area without you having to interact with him. Change the locks. Change any patterns you have for a couple of months.
Create a paper trail so that if you fear for your children there is support for supervised contact.
If you have friends who can stay at weekends, please ask.
Be completely honest with friends and family. 'ex is abusive. He physically threatend me and has tried to emotionally blackmail me. I need help and support.'
Let nursery know what is happening and ask to be informed if he picks up child unexpectedly.
Do not see him without witnesses.

bookwormsforever Wed 20-Sep-17 10:38:09

You are not crazy. He is abusive and controlling. He sounds awful. Smashing up your things IS physical abuse.

Get him out of there - and I suggest you do the Freedom Programme before having another relationship.

Could you ask a friend to be with you while you ask him to move out? A big, burly friend? Most abusers are cowards at heart and won't pick on anyone their own size.

Well done for listening to your heart.

Leasa21 Wed 20-Sep-17 11:11:31

You are really right when it comes to him not doing things in front of males bookworm. A few days ago we had a male friend around and I said something which I didn't think was out of turn. The friend went home and the minute he was out the door oh went mental and said that I only spoke to him like that because male friend was there and started shouting at me. God the more I write it down and explain it the more crazy it all seems and how if someone was telling me all this I'd be telling them to run. I think I will mention to the nursery to ring me if he goes to pick him up and I haven't mentioned it. Tbh I don't think he would, he threatens all the time about taking our son away but in all honesty he's too lazy when it comes to him he wouldn't last a day so I don't think I have too much to worry about when it comes to that

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