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To think dd is too young to decide to change gender?

(148 Posts)
CosyLulu Tue 19-Sep-17 17:30:29

Dd is nearly 15 and for the last 18 months has slowly turned her back on everything 'girly', not that she was ever girly really. She is very drawn to transgender girls who have become boys and does not relate to any female role models at all. She doesn't wear make up and she's been struggling socially for some time as well as being depressed and isolated.

She feels that changing her gender will change everything. I feel that she's too young to make that decision although I will fully support her if that's the decision she eventually makes. I have no issue with transgender people or sexuality at all. What I'm concerned about is that she is at the mercy of so many hormones right now that I don't think she can make a sensible choice.

AIBU though? Will I regret this? Will she hate me for stopping her to begin a process that she firmly believes is the right one for her?

Has anyone been through this with advice to share?

FenceSitter01 Tue 19-Sep-17 17:33:30

DHs cousin (female to male) has almost completed his journey now - he's 16 - just waiting for surgery, but he's been taking the drugs for at least two years.

LadyInDread Tue 19-Sep-17 17:34:18

Can you imagine what a wreck our lives would be if we mapped them out at 15 and stuck to those plans?

Let her wear what she wants. No harm in dressing how she's comfortable. Make sure she's got a wider social circle than tumblr. Transing the gays away is progressive now. Transgender Trend is a good site for parents by parents.

NYConcreteJungle Tue 19-Sep-17 17:36:02

Have you knowledge of the community she is involved with?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3036489-Woman-attacked-by-transactivists-at-speakers-corner-part-deux?msgid=72028742#72028742

Penny4UrThoughts Tue 19-Sep-17 17:36:23

I tend to agree with you. It doesn't sound like this is a case of a person who has always felt they were in the wrong body, so I would be cautious but supportive.

I know someone who until recently was a trans woman, he has decided to stop his transition, and live once again as male. He was a similar age when he started speaking about it, he is now 19.

She may well not change her mind, but it's a tricky enough age as it is without adding that in.

BelindaBlinked Tue 19-Sep-17 17:36:49

Definitely too young.

Have you spoken about gender stereotypes? Not wearing make up doesn't make her not female.

I would encourage her to feel confident in her body and her style without changing gender. Have a look for some androgynous women/men to open conversation maybe.

busyboysmum Tue 19-Sep-17 17:37:14

I'd try to keep her away from anything that can't be put back if necessary so no hormones or surgery. Hair clothes etc is fine but she's too young for anything else. It seems to be massively fashionable at the moment and children are easily influenced by their peers.

AdalindSchade Tue 19-Sep-17 17:37:53

he's 16 - just waiting for surgery, but he's been taking the drugs for at least two years

That's horrifying. Utterly abusive and neglectful.

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 19-Sep-17 17:38:07

Has she had any therapy/counselling yet?

FenceSitter01 Tue 19-Sep-17 17:40:01

AdalindSchade and you are a qualified psychiatrist I presume?

PricklyBall Tue 19-Sep-17 17:40:06

Read up very thoroughly on the side effects of Lupron (the prostate cancer drug used to suspend puberty - and now the subject of a class action in America from women who took it for endometriosis and now find they have advanced osteoporosis at a level more commonly seen in 80 year old women) and of testosterone (irreversible changes to a woman's voice box, high risk of sterility). Then reflect on why it is that grown women with several children find it almost impossible to find an NHS doctor who'll perform a tubal ligation while at the same time suddenly everyone is "ra ra ra go for it" about sterilising children in the name of the trans juggernaut.

Then say "no, you can make up your own mind when you're 18 but you will not be doing anything like that to yourself while you are a child in my care."

abacuss Tue 19-Sep-17 17:40:39

Can you afford to get a (good) counsellor for her, to help her explore whether this is gender dysphoria or something else?

I was so like that when I was young too. Taking drugs to make myself into a man wouldn't have worked or helped as that wasn't the real issue - but I can see in retrospect how attractive it would also have been to have a socially acceptable but rebellious "outsider" label and club to belong to.

charlyn Tue 19-Sep-17 17:40:50

I agree with you that I think shes too young. Id let her do what she wanted bar anything that could affect her body. If she got to 18 and still wanted to change gender then id consider the hormones.

Ttbb Tue 19-Sep-17 17:40:52

So nothing in what you have said makes me think that she is transgender. Lots of girls don't like girly things and don't wear make up, Does she actually identify as male? Maybe suggest taking it slow. Start by social modifications. Men's clothing, choosing a boy name, cutting her hair into a more masculine style and to see how she feels living as a boy before making and drastic physical changes.

maxthemartian Tue 19-Sep-17 17:41:05

I agree with Adalind that's appalling.

PricklyBall Tue 19-Sep-17 17:42:07

Oh, and google phalloplasty and read up on the process and its complications - it is horrific and rarely successful, and every stage in the process involves loss of sexual function.

LadyInDread Tue 19-Sep-17 17:42:25

Well. First post in and we have a child put on hormones at 14. Sterile. Gay eugenics?

So glad that dodgy gp who presribes for £50 after a skype app is being looked into.

5rivers7hills Tue 19-Sep-17 17:42:31

Clothes
Hair
Name
Therapy

All fine

Hormones and surgery. Not fine.

5rivers7hills Tue 19-Sep-17 17:43:53

I really hate how gener is becoming really clearly defined. Now you can't just be a bit of a Tom boy, you must be trans.

I'd explore genre with her a bit more. Also sounds like she is struggling socially and this is a way to fit in with a community.

5rivers7hills Tue 19-Sep-17 17:44:04

Gender

Not genre

jaseyraex Tue 19-Sep-17 17:44:21

Take her to GP, get referred to a specialist. Get her talking about exactly what it is she wants to do and her long term goal. She'll need a fair bit of counselling before the process starts. This gives them time to see everything more clearly and find out what changing gender entails, what the process is like, how long it will take, side effects of drugs etc etc. It's a long road, and if she's serious she will stick it out and you should support her. She's not too young. I think (could be wrong) you have to be 18 before they consider reassignment surgery but can start the drugs before then if counsellors/specialists feel it's appropriate. Just be there for her.

busyboysmum Tue 19-Sep-17 17:45:15

I believe the ladyboys of Thailand have a very short life expectancy due to the hormones they have to take. Around 35-40 years old I was told. So I would steer clear of taking anything like that.

Ploppie4 Tue 19-Sep-17 17:46:24

My opinion is that it's abusive to sex change before 18. Too bigger decision and at 15 too vulnerable and young

Snapespeare Tue 19-Sep-17 17:48:07

you might find this helpful

on 'transing the gays away' - its OK for her to be a young woman who doesn't conform to a gender stereotype and still be a young woman, without having to undergo years of difficult hormone treatment and potentially surgery. It's OK for her to fancy other gender-non-conforming women without needing to 'be' a boy to do that.

My son always gravitated towards things thought of as female, enjoyed dressing up in girly things, grew his hair for a while. he's now a fabulous '18 year old 'out' gay man.

His experience doesn't mean your daughter isn't going to someday want to undergo some form of gender reassignment - but she has the whole of the rest of her life to decide what to do.

I agree with other posters that hair, clothing etc is up to her. There's some suggestion that chest binding can be harmful in young women, so she might wish to persue minimisers/sports bras rather than anything too restrictive depending on her physique. hormone treatment etc can be looked at when she is adult and you can then support her choices as you see fit.

HardcoreLadyType Tue 19-Sep-17 17:50:23

This is really hard, and honestly, I think AIBU may not be the place you want to be discussing this. There is a board for LGBT children, and you might find it more supportive. You can report your post, and ask MN to move it, or start a new one there.

Have a look at 4thwavenow.com/ for some useful resources.

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