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AIBU?

DH's 'dad'

21 replies

ChangeName123 · 19/09/2017 09:11

Difficult one and I have name changed for this.

I need to start by saying that I am at the stage where "enough is enough" for me but perhaps my judgement is a bit clouded. We are both 36 and have been trying to have a baby since we got married 6 years ago. In that time we've had 6 IVF's and all the crap that comes before that treatment-wise. We have been to hell and back but are still standing somehow and still happy (in relative terms, our life is constantly a case of 'making the best of things').

My family have been fab. DH's have been crap. His parents are separated and his mum is crap and his dad is crap. Simple. No support, don't contact us for months on end, insensitive comments (his mum). You get the picture. I used to have his mum over regularly and really spoil her but I haven't bothered for a few years now.

His dad is a different situation and this is what I need guidance on. He's in his late fifties and a pretty sorry case. He wasnt a great dad to DH growing up. Never been a 'father' if that makes sense. He has spent his life pursuing a career that is totally pie in the sky (can't say what as to outing but think along the lines of v famous) and obviously it didn't materialise.

All he does is send my DH ranty texts about how shit his life is and the latest crisis. How he has no money, how his latest venture didn't work out (surprise surprise). Never occurred to him during his entire life to get a job like other people. He "didn't want to do something boring". Well neither does anyone else, but what can you do.

Husband sends him money constantly. We have a joint account for things like bills etc but have our own accounts for our own spending. I can't see what he gives him but I (I'm not proud of this) read his phone messages and see that he's constantly transferring money to him. I'm talking fifties every week or so. This isn't meant to sound like I'm boasting but we do ok so it won't get us into trouble but it's the principle. He is not grateful and expects it. He's always fishing for money from him.

Here's the thing that really irks: he NEVER enquiries about DH in these texts. Nothing. He doesn't give a shit. He's selfish and that's why he's in this desperate situation. DH obviously doesn't know I read his messages but he tells me the gist of what's going on with his dad.

Wwyd? AIBU? Maybe this is normal but I find it maddening that DH's parent never show him an ounce of thought and he is the KINDEST man. I wish his family would just drop of a cliff but that's not an option. His mum, his dad, the lot.

OP posts:

Report

ChangeName123 · 19/09/2017 09:14

Excuse typos

OP posts:

SezziBaybee · 19/09/2017 09:19

YANBU

He needs to tell his Dad enough is enough, and definitely stop giving him money!

Butterymuffin · 19/09/2017 09:20

That sounds frustrating. Is your DH an only child? Has he stopped contact with his mum too so it's just his dad he is susceptible to?

KC225 · 19/09/2017 09:28

Your DH is not helping him. Mid to late 5Os is not old. This could go on for another 30 years. The man needs to grow up and get a job. He has given his 'life ambition' a punt and it hasn't worked out. Will your DH still be doing this when you become parents? Suggest you compose a text together and say from X date there will be no more money. Possibly give a one off larger sum but you have to draw the line.

TheDodgyEnd · 19/09/2017 09:35

It's not great but I guess it depends on whether DH WANTS to give him the money? If he doesn't want to then absolutely it should stop. If he wants to well it's coming from us own funds I guess. Appalling behaviour from DF though - I'm not condoning that.

TheDodgyEnd · 19/09/2017 09:35

His own funds that should be

ChangeName123 · 19/09/2017 09:38

Thanks everyone. DH is his dads only child but his mum has another child.

Problem is DH doesn't know that I know he gives him money. We've talked about having completely joint account (or one account) but never got round to it. When you don't have a child it somehow isn't a huge priority.

I suspect it's just easier for him to give him money. I should add that his dad is quite a vulnerable person, mental health isn't great and he isn't like most people (poverty and weird lifestyle will isolate anyone). But WE are going through hell and he never asks DH how HE is.

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TheDodgyEnd · 19/09/2017 09:43

"his dad is quite a vulnerable person, mental health isn't great and he isn't like most people (poverty and weird lifestyle will isolate anyone)."

OP reading your last post, depending on what the MH issues are, does DF have the capacity to be any other way than he currently is? Is it laziness in not asking after your family or is it due to other issues? I'm no expert just writing as I'm thinking, really.

ChangeName123 · 19/09/2017 09:47

I think he absolutely has the capacity to act in a better way. And by "better" I mean to be considerate towards his son, not I've him endless stress and worry and choose an alternative path. I wouldn't mind, but he posts pics in a pub on Facebook regularly so I don't think he uses the money wisely. I must say he isn't an alcoholic (know the symptoms as aunt was alcoholic).

It's the lack of thought towards him by his mum and dad. I can't stand them.

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macandcheesewithbacon · 19/09/2017 09:47

My DF is very rich but has begged money off all 8 of his kids since we first got part time jobs as teenagers. Those that complied were seen as weak and targeted for more handouts. He told me he couldn't do a boring job and I replied 'if that's the case you'll have to look at selling your house' etc etc. I also sent him links to job sites and suggested work. Wtf is wrong with them?

ChangeName123 · 19/09/2017 09:50

Mac - spot on. I am bored fuckless at work 5 days a week but it's what you need to do, right? His dad is a genius in his own mind and can't believe he hasn't been a success. Everything is always someone else's fault.

DH works a stressful job and has a lot of pressure on top with our fertility issues. We are desperate for a baby and would be good parents. This is why I am so bitter about his parents I think. He deserves so much better. I would be so proud to have a son like him.

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TheDodgyEnd · 19/09/2017 09:53

Ah ok OP - just wondered re capacity. Don't know how you'd broach it with DH though as he doesn't know you have read his messages...how would he take it if you told him? Otherwise I don't see a solution x

ChangeName123 · 19/09/2017 09:53

I suppose I wonder if I should just tell him this. That I hate his parents and think he deserves more.

Our relationship with his mum and stepdad are at a stage where we have little contact but when we meet she gets told everything but never gets in touch to check how we're doing. We had a v important review meeting with our specialist following tests. She didn't even follow up to check how we got on. I find it baffling. Heard from her last week to ask if we want to spend Xmas with them and I was enraged!!!!!!! No I will
Spend Xmas with my family who have held us together for 6 years.

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GoldenFlaps · 19/09/2017 09:55

How much does your DH speak to you about his dad? How much do you 'officially' know?

GoldenFlaps · 19/09/2017 09:58

Cross post. I don't think it would be a good idea to tell him you hate his parents, maybe start with 'how does your parents' behaviour towards you make you feel?' or something like that.

ParadiseCity · 19/09/2017 10:11

Sorry but I don't think there is a lot you can do. Bottom line is you want to change your FIL. You can't. I realise how frustrating it is.

ChangeName123 · 19/09/2017 10:12

Golden - that is actually fab advice. Thank you. Simple but I hadn't thought of wording it like that.

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Mummyoflittledragon · 19/09/2017 10:20

I was going to say the same as Golden. Simple questions like "is your dad ok?" " did he ask after you/how the ivf is going?" Etc. If you say how you feel, he will clam up, dig his heels in and you will get the opposite effect from the one you want.

I have a very difficult relationship with my mother. I love her. But it's a biological love. That's to say, it isn't my choice to love her. If I could make the choice, I would choose not to love her. My life would be so much easier. I don't love her because she's loving toward me. Because she isn't. Quite the opposite most of the time in fact. My mother is a narcissist. I suspect she has full blown NPD as she's pretty extreme. I still hate people critisicing her. And will come to her defence. As I say, it's innate and not of my choosing.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 19/09/2017 10:23

I feel your pain. Its too long a story to bore you with, but I have the t- shirt. We separated before we resolved the issue (his parents were a large part of why tbh).

Anyway, if I were you I'd be cross about the lie by omission. Yes it's his 'spending money' so if that's how he chooses to spend it that's up to him, but he's deliberately concealing it from you and that's not on. I'd have to say something.

But yes, it's really really horrible watching the person you love most in the world being treat so badly by their parents. I wouldn't hold back from telling him that he is worth & deserves so much more from both of them. That just because they're his parents he doesn't have to take endless shit from them.

I'd tell him that he's not helping his Dad by enabling his behaviour. I'd tell him I'm not so stupid that I don't know he gives him money.

It hurts anyway, but it hurts that bit deeper when you can't conceive and be the parent you want to be & show your DH how his parents should have behaved 🌷 I hope you get the baby you so long for x

ChangeName123 · 19/09/2017 12:29

Thank you both for taking the time to write such thoughtful posts, much appreciated and you make lots of sense. This has given me a lot of food for though.

Mummy I think it's the same for my husband. You can't just cut them off completely. I wouldn't do anything to hurt his feelings but will discuss with him when an appropriate moment arises (no doubt when his phone is beeping at 1am when he's asleep and his dad is sending ranty, pissed "woe is me" texts)

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liminality · 19/09/2017 13:30

It's hard having family that are unwell. Don't try to make it into an issue. How do you think he will feel if you are talking down his folks, whereas your family are great? He is probably well aware.
Sometimes, we help our family in whatever way we can, even if that's letting them rant at us and giving them the odd fifty.
I'd be very careful of trying to force this situation into some kind of ultimatum. I get you are not happy about it, but you really don't understand if you have supportive family what its like when your own family are not the best. At the end of the day, those messy, tangled people are all the family some of us have got. My partner's disapproval isn't going to 'fix' my mum, and I'm not giving up on her either. I'd be pretty devastated if my partner started telling me how rotten she was and how I should cut her off cause that would be better for all of us.
What's the phrase? Above all, be kind.
Be supportive to your husband in the way his family are not. That'd be what I would want to do.

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