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To be MORTIFIED at this question from DS...

(241 Posts)
bestoutofthree Sun 17-Sep-17 12:17:53

My 12 year old came in to the bedroom just now...

DS: "Mum this is kind of a weird question and I don't know about asking it."
Me: What is it?
DS: How often do you and Dad have sex?
Me: Oh. Are you sure you want to know?
DS: Yeah
Me: Once or twice a week I guess
DS: Oh. Now NEVER say that again.
Me: You asked! And I double checked! You can always ask me any questions you know.

Even though I tried to seem calm and cool, it felt just really odd. Maybe because I was taken by surprise.

I am a very modest person and never talk about sex with friends at all, but DS has far fewer inhibitions and often mentions things I find embarrassing. I would never in a million years have asked that question of my mother!

Has anyone had discussions like that with their DC? I expect normal 'what is sex' conversations but didn't expect personal questions like that.

steff13 Sun 17-Sep-17 12:20:36

I would have told him it wasn't his business.

Juanbablo Sun 17-Sep-17 12:20:56

I think I probably would have told him it's none of his business or at least asked why he wanted to know. I'm happy to answer general questions but I don't know about ones so personal.

Fibbertigibbet Sun 17-Sep-17 12:20:59

I can't say I've ever asked my mum this, but I know when I was learning about sex I wondered a lot about things like this and how much people were having sex. I'd say it's a credit to you that he feels comfortable to ask you the question, even if he didn't like the answer!

TheStoic Sun 17-Sep-17 12:22:08

I probably would have asked why he wanted to know. Seems like an odd response to your answer.

FenceSitter01 Sun 17-Sep-17 12:23:03

There are boundaries in any relationship. It is inappropriate for anyone to enquire about your sex life, unless its a HCP. Be that your parents, children or friends. Some things just are private.

Onelastpage Sun 17-Sep-17 12:23:39

I never asked about sex as I was younger - but actually when I was 7 or 8 a couple of my friend's parents divorced and I became terribly anxious about how much physical affection my parents showed each other... I found pretending I found them kissing terribly embarrassing worked a treat (aided by my little brother who was genuinely embarrassed) as it became a family joke!

VladmirsPoutine Sun 17-Sep-17 12:24:15

Tbh he asked and you felt ok in answering. It's not as if you casually mentioned it to the cashier at Tesco or something. It's typical that he'll feel grossed out by it. But there we go. He asked a question and got an answer.

Temporaryanonymity Sun 17-Sep-17 12:24:45

I think my dcs would ask. They are knowledgeable about the mechanics of sex but not about the fact it is also a recreational activity. Add in the fact their father doesnt live with us as he had remarried, they might well assume that sex is only for procreation. I am sure as they get older they will work it out and have questions to ask.

LunarGirl Sun 17-Sep-17 12:28:25

Did you ask him why he wanted to know? That is a very personal question and to be honest I would've probably told him it was none of his business. But there was obviously a reason he asked. Any chance it was a roundabout way of him letting you know that he's well aware you have sex and maybe you need to keep it down?

Lethaldrizzle Sun 17-Sep-17 12:28:40

I'm impressed with once or twice a week!

YetAnotherSpartacus Sun 17-Sep-17 12:29:19

Maybe he's comparing with his friends over Facebook and you'll earn the most embarrassing parent award cos the others won't admit they have done it since the conception if the enquiree?

YetAnotherSpartacus Sun 17-Sep-17 12:30:02

Oh - and they'll all share with their parents and you'll see lots of raised eyebrows.

Also - your DS will need therapy. smile

MrsOverTheRoad Sun 17-Sep-17 12:32:25

oh I think you should have used the opportunity to teach him about boundaries!

shock

I would definitely have told him to mind his own! It's an innapropriate question.

bestoutofthree Sun 17-Sep-17 12:32:50

Oh no now I regret answering.. I was caught off guard.

MrsOverTheRoad Sun 17-Sep-17 12:34:08

Does he usually ask such...odd questions?

saveforthat Sun 17-Sep-17 12:35:12

Why didn't you tell him that was private he is 12 do you really think he doesn't know that is a really cheeky question

TheStoic Sun 17-Sep-17 12:37:14

I don't talk to anyone about my sex life except the person I'm having sex with.

Would you ask your (of age) child about their sex life? I sure wouldn't.

Bluntness100 Sun 17-Sep-17 12:40:34

I also find it strange a 12 year old would ask that. Mine asked when she was about six , after watching an Episode of rhe simpsons, she asked if we had sex, she didnt know what sex was, I guess just thought that it was kissing, I said never....

If she'd asked at twelve I'd have said it was none of her business or made a jokey response, like never or all the time, we are having it right now,. Can't you tell, Yes he will tell her friends, and yes it will make him uncomfortable.

So no I wouldn't have told him either. But I'd be concerned about his lack of boundaries in asking such a personal question at that age.

QuackDuckQuack Sun 17-Sep-17 12:40:56

DD (7) asked me yesterday how we make sure we don't have any more babies. I didn't tell her the details of what contraception we use. I just explained that there are two options - either stopping the sperm and egg meeting or stopping a fertilised egg implanting. She didn't ask for more details about DH and me. So I think deflecting to 'people in general' is a good direction to go.

bestoutofthree Sun 17-Sep-17 12:41:55

No I definitely wouldn't! I really regret not saying it was inappropriate now.

I'm clearly not BU to be mortified then.

Would you revisit it now and tell him it wasn't appropriate to ask or just leave it?

TheStoic Sun 17-Sep-17 12:43:57

Just leave it. It's not your fault, you were caught off guard. Nobody expects a question like that out of the blue.

DancesWithOtters Sun 17-Sep-17 12:45:44

A WEEK?!

Expemsiveuniform Sun 17-Sep-17 12:47:07

Why would you answer that from your child? None of yours is what I'd have said.

1lov3comps Sun 17-Sep-17 12:47:42

My DD (9) asked me and DH this a few weeks ago, I was caught on the hop but managed to say that it was good that she felt she could ask but that it was personal and that it's not really a question to ask people. Also jokingly told her that in a couple of years she'd be happy that she didn't know the answer!
(Part of me was embarrassed that I'd have to admit how infrequent it is!!). Anyway she was fine with that and didn't mention it again

Idontevencareanymore Sun 17-Sep-17 12:48:25

I wouldn't have told him.

My answer would have been that's private between me and Your father and not something that you or anyone else need to know.

Very inappropriate question. No matter the age!

YetAnotherSpartacus Sun 17-Sep-17 12:50:36

Is this a stealth boast OP??? smile.

Actually, I think you missed your opportunity to say "we go at it like demented bunny rabbits as soon as you are asleep or when you are out. In fact, we were wondering when you were planning on leaving home permanently. We'd like to install a dungeon.".

InsomniacAnonymous Sun 17-Sep-17 12:51:30

Good grief. Questions like that are inappropriate and answering them is even more inappropriate!

demirose87 Sun 17-Sep-17 12:51:36

I would have said it's none of his business. Sex shouldn't really be a taboo subject among families and it's good that he feels comfortable and confident enough, but it's inappropriate and sex is a private thing.

TheStoic Sun 17-Sep-17 12:52:17

we go at it like demented bunny rabbits as soon as you are asleep or when you are out. In fact, we were wondering when you were planning on leaving home permanently. We'd like to install a dungeon."

grin. Hope you're putting money aside for therapy.

titchy Sun 17-Sep-17 12:52:59

Wow! Hugely inappropriate of BOTH of you. Does he have any sense of appropriate boundaries with other people? Why was your knee jerk reaction to be honest rather than shut the question down?

Lethaldrizzle Sun 17-Sep-17 12:53:13

At least your son knows his parents have a good relationship. I don't think it's that bad that you told him. Im just impressed you do it so much!

demirose87 Sun 17-Sep-17 12:53:31

And also would have asked why he wanted to know because kids don't need to know how often their parents have sex for any reason whatsoever.

dementedma Sun 17-Sep-17 12:54:38

mine have never asked me that - youngest is now 15 - and they would have been told to mind their own business if they did.

Much the same response I would get if i asked them about theirs...

LouHotel Sun 17-Sep-17 12:55:22

I dont think you need to be mortified. It sounds like your DS is realising that your not just a mother but a women, its embarrassing but in the long run its better for him to have a realistic concept of sex rather than see porn as the norm.

I actually think parents need to be more open about their sex life, we have a generation of boys growing up with a disturbing understanding of what intimacy is.

ILoveDolly Sun 17-Sep-17 12:55:36

I would just have said 'Lol that's on a need to know basis and I'm not sure why you'd need to know'. I'm open to questions but not necessarily going to give true answers.

Inertia Sun 17-Sep-17 12:55:55

I think in your position I probably would have answered in a similar manner to you. Obviously I wouldn't go into detail, and I'd explain that it's not a question to ask of people generally, but I think it's a good sign when children feel able to ask parents about the basics of sex. I wouldn't want my children feeling that they couldn't come to me to ask about anything that was worrying them, or that shame would prevent them seeking parental support if they needed it.

JenNtonic Sun 17-Sep-17 12:56:50

OP forget the high and might bs replies, totally unhelpful. You were open, honest and it's an absolute credit that your little boy feels comfortable enough to talk to you. It's not too late to have the "boundary" talk. Ya doing a great job generally, I can tell. Put it under the rug or have another talk but DO NOT feel guilty xX

LadyWire Sun 17-Sep-17 12:57:00

I think his total mortification at you affirming that you and his dad do it is his comeuppance for asking the question!

When my DD was about 12 and doing sex ed at school it suddenly dawned on her that she was made in the normal way and not delivered by the stork - she was horrified 😂😂😂

TinselTwins Sun 17-Sep-17 12:57:17

I remember my cousin asking my dad that. (He couldn't ask his own parents). I think it's good for teens to hear about " normal" sex habits. I agree that it would be okay for the OP to not give specifics about her OWN sex life, but I would be happy to discuss " normal" (i.e. not prob or schoolyard Chinese whispers) sex patterns/practices with my DC.

YetAnotherSpartacus Sun 17-Sep-17 12:57:59

When my DD was about 12 and doing sex ed at school it suddenly dawned on her that she was made in the normal way and not delivered by the stork - she was horrified 😂😂😂

Were'nt we all???

LordPercy Sun 17-Sep-17 12:58:05

My eldest dc asked "mum, did you lose your virginity to dad?" as we went through McDs drive thru...he was about 11 at the time 😂

cremedelashite Sun 17-Sep-17 12:58:16

I think it's an amazing credit to you he asked and also that you checked first and then answered. What's the big secret? Adults have loving sex. Bravo op. I hope I'm as honest as you if asked. He will process this into healthily I bet.

TinselTwins Sun 17-Sep-17 12:58:20

not "porn". Wish you could edit

YetAnotherSpartacus Sun 17-Sep-17 12:59:10

Percy - "Hell NO lad - I was a right player. Only married your Dad because I got knocked up with you".

JaniceBattersby Sun 17-Sep-17 12:59:17

I would have just told him that normal can mean once a day or once a month, or whatever, as long as both people involved are happy.

I wouldn't worry about giving him an honest answer though OP. There's no right or wrong in many of these situations. It's not going to scar him for life it might. A bit We're constantly being told to have a dialogue with our children about sex. It can be confusing.

TinselTwins Sun 17-Sep-17 13:01:58

I'd rather a teenage boy heard from his parents that it can vary rather than listen to his mate who says his girlfriend let's him what her 5 times a day and never says no etc

Inbetweeners comes to mind!

Lovemusic33 Sun 17-Sep-17 13:04:31

Op, don't worry about it, I would have probably responded the same and regretted it later .My Dd is quite open with me but has never really asked anything like that, she tells me she knows everything about sex as people talk about it all the time at school.

SallyForthSunshine Sun 17-Sep-17 13:04:32

He probably expected/hoped you would answer "Only to conceive you and your siblings darling!"

I'm not on board with the complete transparency thing when it comes to sex. Just because they ask a question doesn't mean they deserve an answer, particularly if it's about a personal relationship. But your DS asked, and you gave him an answer. And now he'll have to work on mentally blocking out the answer!

Rescuepuppydaft2 Sun 17-Sep-17 13:04:49

I think that you did the right thing op. You have told your ds that he can ask you anything. He has asked what must have been a very difficult question to ask and you gave him an honest answer. I am like this with my children, they are encouraged to ask anything that they are curious about. I would much rather my son come to me to answer this question than consult his peers who are likely basing their ideas of what constitutes 'normal sex' on the pornography that is freely available online today.

He didn't ask details, just frequency. When young teens are growing up thinking that everyone who has sex is just like the porn stars they watch online, it can only lead to concern, worries of inadequacy and very obscure and unrealistic ideas about sex.

Is your ds close to his Dad? It might be an idea to have his Dad check in regularly to see if he has any questions about sex/ puberty. My two children automatically ask me the questions as I am more matter of fact and open than my dh who can get embarrassed. But I have been working with dh to help him build trust and openness with our ds as I realise that as he ages he will want to be able to approach his dad rather than me.

Please don't shame your ds for asking that question. He obviously has a healthy relationship with you, be proud of that and keep it that way. He may need your support later, which if you put boundaries on his ability to ask questions, may make him feel ashamed and unable to seek your support.

We are so sexually repressed in the uk! It is more important to know your child, to have their trust and know that when they need guidance they can come to you. Otherwise they will seek that guidance from other spurious sources!

Goldmandra Sun 17-Sep-17 13:06:16

I don't think answering is inappropriate if you're comfortable doing so. Obviously you weren't so fair enough. It isn't at all harmful for a 12 year old to know that. However, I would have added that it is a question that most people would be uncomfortable answering and the answer isn't to be shared with others.

Questions like that are often asked and answered on MN so perhaps it shouldn't be so taboo.

LouHotel Sun 17-Sep-17 13:07:15

@tinseltwins exactly!

To the posters who think this is innapropriate, what happens when you buffer your little boys questions and they then turn to their mates or google for answers?

Try putting 'sex' in a search engine for images to see what they can be exposed to rather than a open safe conversation with their parents.

Equally for daughters if conversations are not had they can pick up an unrealistic expectations of what their bodies should look like and what they should do with them and how often.

Tinty Sun 17-Sep-17 13:09:29

I think at 12 DC have done sex ed at school and are doing biology etc so maybe it is suddenly occurring to them that their parents had sex to conceive them.

Maybe he is hoping you would say once before you were born and once before your sister was born at which point he would have said to himself few now I don't have to worry about my parents doing that! Of course you scuppered his dreams with the reality!

Anyway I think it is good for children to realise the sex isn't just something you do when you are young. I don't think that there is anything wrong in answering his questions, hopefully he will be open with you when he is thinking about sex himself and you can have a conversation about consent, respect (his and the girls) and also about using condoms and being safe.

I may have gone with many,many times a week son, just to see the look on his face.

Bluntness100 Sun 17-Sep-17 13:10:45

To the posters who think this is innapropriate, what happens when you buffer your little boys questions and they then turn to their mates or google for answers?

Eh what now? He could ask his mates or google as much as he wishes, neither sources would know how often we have sex. Would your child's mates and google know how often you have sex? confused

GreatFuckability Sun 17-Sep-17 13:15:09

I would have answered him. I might have asked why he was asking, but i'd have answered. I'm not seeing the issue.

LouHotel Sun 17-Sep-17 13:15:30

@bluntness100 your being a little obtuse.

Questions to mates and google wouldnt be as specific but for example they might discuss what a normal sex life is; a parents answer is realistic - a friends answer could be anything from ''mothers dont have sex'' to ''my girlfriend wants its 3 times a day!''...both answers equally have difficult outcomes

Mumteadumpty Sun 17-Sep-17 13:16:43

I have answered these sort of questions, as my DD used to ask a lot of them! Sometimes I would add that generally this is private information, as it occurred to me that the information could be shared with her friends.
When she was younger, she would say that she knew I had had sex three times as I have three children, and so as she grew older I wanted her to know that it's OK to have recreational sex as well.

SallyForthSunshine Sun 17-Sep-17 13:17:42

Type "how often do couples have sex in a week" into google and you get pretty much the same answer the OP gave tbh.

Justaboy Sun 17-Sep-17 13:20:57

Seem he's well on his way into a career in behavioral research;-)

user1471548375 Sun 17-Sep-17 13:23:30

I had no idea so many people were so prudish. He's approaching an age where he will naturally be curious about sex, so great he feels he can be open with you about it, and you feel you can be honest with him.

I'd far rather a dose of embarrassment here and there, than a dose of herpes or an unplanned pregnancy in a few years because there was a question he wanted to ask, but felt he couldn't.

diddl Sun 17-Sep-17 13:26:27

I think I would have had to ask why he wanted to know.

TatianaLarina Sun 17-Sep-17 13:26:47

I don't think it's inappropriate at his age, I think it was disarmingly honest. I don't know what I would have said in that situation but I think children appreciate honesty from parents and being treated like a grown up. It's far better to get a truthful response from an adult rather than nonsense from his friends and Reddit.

On the plus side, he probably won't ask anything like that again!

LuckySpider Sun 17-Sep-17 13:28:16

My eldest is 14 and I have told him I will answer any question he has but never personally about me or Dh.

I would say to him most adults in a marriage have sex, some don't for lots of different reasons. But I would never reveal frequency of my own sex life, even to my best mate. All I ever say to her is, I am very happy. grin

TatianaLarina Sun 17-Sep-17 13:30:11

I'd far rather a dose of embarrassment here and there, than a dose of herpes or an unplanned pregnancy in a few years because there was a question he wanted to ask, but felt he couldn't.

I have to agree that I think parents need to take responsibility for sex education and not leave it to school and the internet.

I'm quite surprised by some of the responses on this thread - some sound more like my uptight parents' generation.

ConciseandNice Sun 17-Sep-17 13:31:26

It's not an inappropriate question at all!!!! It makes me furious people saying that. What is inappropriate is feeling like you have to answer it if you don't want to. It's good to have your own boundaries and tell your child (or anyone) if they are crossing them.

My young adult children, especially my eldest are very open about questions re sex and have a very healthy attitude about it. They don't know about my sex life, but I know that if they wanted to know they would feel ok to ask and that if I refused to answer they would respect that. The 'Oh that's inappropriate' is f@cking absurd and sets up a child to have all sorts of weird ideas about the potential answers they never received and also about their parents. OP answered and I believe as long as she was happy to answer then that is absolutely fine. What a bunch of horrid puritans on here.

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry Sun 17-Sep-17 13:31:45

Personally I think it is great that he feels able to ask you anything. It is a nightmare when you are caught by surprise with a question. You answered truthfully and that is the most important thing. He may ask a similar question and then you can have the boundary, privacy talk.

Birdsgottafly Sun 17-Sep-17 13:34:20

"We are so sexually repressed in the uk! "

No we aren't, we generally get the balance right.

Our age of Consent and Girls and Women's reproductive rights and access to contraception etc is about right.

We have more sex on our television, some not great, Bennie Hill and the like, than other nations. But get the boundaries right.

Unmarried Mothers and Gay Couples are portrayed seriously in our media, without moral judgments.

Not wanting to discuss the details of your sex life to your children isn't being prudish. My sex drive is high, I wouldn't want to share that. I've taught my girls liberal attitudes without making it personal.

CorbynsBumFlannel Sun 17-Sep-17 13:35:12

I'd have either said none of your business or denied any activity since his conception/told him he was made in a laboratory.
I can see how you were caught off guard though. At least he's learned the lesson that if you don't want to hear all possible answers you might not want to ask!
Is he aware that he shouldn't ask friends parents, more distant relatives, teachers etc the question?

GinnyWreckin Sun 17-Sep-17 13:39:39

He probably wants to know if you're having more than him shock

Seriously, maybe he and his mates are doing a statistical analysis, and you're in the lead with the sweepstakes! star

Fwiw, maybe in figure I think you may hear more about his sex life than you may feel comfortable with, but that's no bad thing as there's so much fake news about sex.
He seems to have a good relationship with you- I'd stop worrying about other people's opinion about their comfort zones, and concentrate on that.

Sounds to me you have a healthy relationship with your son. Don't second guess that because of what others say, here or elsewhere: celebrate the open communication.

Ime not everyone is prudish about sex only the English

However discretion is important, so do remind him not to gossip with all the hoary glories about his parents girlfriends /boyfriends with his mates.

BruceAndNoush Sun 17-Sep-17 13:39:51

It's very worrying that you thought this was an appropriate question to answer.

It's not funny, or "mortifying." It's concerning. You should not have answered.

GinnyWreckin Sun 17-Sep-17 13:40:36

in future

CorbynsBumFlannel Sun 17-Sep-17 13:40:41

I also think your child knowing they can ask anything and having open dialogue can also be balanced with your own right to privacy. Would the op have been obliged to answer questions about sexual positions relating to her own sex life with her partner/sons dad?

diddl Sun 17-Sep-17 13:40:42

It's not sex education though is it?

Just nosiness on his part!

What use is the info to him?

Paleninteresting Sun 17-Sep-17 13:41:26

My DD is the queen of random surprising questions and I would have responded the same as you because she calls me out on being evasive and unhelpful.
We do have an agreement that these are things we just talk about in the house though and I do check it out each time.
She is 9.

DaisysStew Sun 17-Sep-17 13:41:52

I'd have told him it was none of his business. Not because answering is inappropriate or would mentally scar him or anything, but because it genuinely isn't any of his business.

d270r0 Sun 17-Sep-17 13:43:30

I think its absolutely fine. You've taught him that its completely normal to have regular sex within a committed relationship. There is nothing at all wrong with that.

TatianaLarina Sun 17-Sep-17 13:43:37

No we aren't, we generally get the balance right.

Really? So why does the UK have the highest teen pregnancy rate in Western Europe?

ConciseandNice Sun 17-Sep-17 13:44:55

TatianaLarina exactly that! People here are bloody deluded.

TatianaLarina Sun 17-Sep-17 13:45:30

It's very worrying that you thought this was an appropriate question to answer.

It's not funny, or "mortifying." It's concerning. You should not have answered.

A most bizarre response.

frisbeefreedom Sun 17-Sep-17 13:46:54

I'm shocked there are so many people who think this is so inappropriate! He wasn't asking a stranger and he wasn't asking about positions FFS!

I think it's really important that kids of this age have sex education that is actually about real life, I think it's entirely healthy to have a basic curiosity about this stuff. And if he knows he can ask you questions and get a straightforward answer, then he's more likely to come with more questions in the future.

InsomniacAnonymous Sun 17-Sep-17 13:48:10

Exactly, diddl. Knowing how often his parents have sex is not sex education. It's just prurience and should not have been indulged.

RollingGreenMarble Sun 17-Sep-17 13:50:00

I asked my parents. I knew not to ask others and that it was a private thing i was asking. It wasn't to share with friends.

I wanted to know what was normal. sex was such a mindblowing topic at the time. The mechanics, babies, what people did in relationships... Tbh i could probably have a good guess now from things said in various conversations. My mother was a nurse though and body talk was common in our house!

LadyLoveYourWhat Sun 17-Sep-17 13:52:02

I don't think it's inappropriate at all! Part of my job as a parent is to help my kids understand what normal is (and that normal is a very wide range). Sex education is more than just biology.

TatianaLarina Sun 17-Sep-17 13:53:13

I think it is part of sex education - knowing how often married people have sex in the real world, as opposed to what people get up to in magazines/books/films.

Sex in the context of relationships is not taught at school - it is in the Netherlands where they have a much lower teen pregnancy rate. What other adult could he ask that question?

If he were 35 I think you could say it was prurience, but from a 12 year old it's just innocent curiosity.

TatianaLarina Sun 17-Sep-17 13:57:55

Sex education is more than just biology.

Absolutely - I think issues around sex in relationships, around consent, around porn are really important to address.

Now more than ever as the media presents such a distorted picture of sexuality.

PinkFlamingo888 Sun 17-Sep-17 13:58:33

His friends will have been talking about it at school. I remember other kids saying they'd heard/ seen their parents at it. They probably never had but it's definitely a topic of discussion for kids.

tocas Sun 17-Sep-17 14:00:12

I don't think it's bad that he asked or that you answered truthfully OP - he was probably so grossed out that he will refrain from asking anything so personal again grin

When I was a kid I thought that mums and dads only had sex to make babies so maybe only a few times in their whole lives blush

CurlyhairedAssassin Sun 17-Sep-17 14:11:20

I don't think I would have been mortified that my son had asked the question or thought it was wierd or anything. He would be just learning what was an appropriate question to ask people he knew well and trusted. I just would have told him that "couples in relationships have sex according to when they feel like it and that could vary between once a day or a few times a year for any couple. Your dad and I fall somewhere in that range but there isn't any need for you to know details."

I WOULD however have been mortified if I had told him the specific answer pertaining to me and DH as I guess it would be discussed with friends at school and that would not be something I would be happy with. Plus, DH and I have sex much less often than when we first got together and there are various reasons why we might go through a "dry" patch and I really wouldn't want to get into the details of all that.

As soon as you start talking about your own sexual habits to your kids you open a can of worms. as others have said, educating them about what the average couple does is fine. It is pure nosiness to ask your parent how often THEY have sex and doesn't add to their knowledge of others' sexual habits as it is only one example. To get an understanding of what is the "average" they would have to ask many more people which is then going into "disturbing" behaviour!!!

ChinchillaFur Sun 17-Sep-17 14:11:29

I think it's great that he obviously feels he can ask you anything. You shouldn't have to answer if you don't want to though. Better that he asks you than google etc.

My parents never ever talked to me about sex. I got all my info from the playground and my best mate's Just 17 (which I wasn't allowed to buy).

I am bringing my 8 year old dd up the total opposite - she knows she can ask me anything and we have talks that she knows are private and not to be repeated at school. We recently watched the documentary about the monkeys (Patagonia?) and she was really shocked when they were mating. She said she felt sorry for the boy monkey having to do that! DH had to leave the room!

AnnieAnoniMouse Sun 17-Sep-17 14:13:16

We discuss anything & everything. I wouldn't be surprised to be asked & I'd just answer honestly.

I'd have asked what made him ask though, so we could discuss it.

There are some very odd replies on this thread.

CorbynsBumFlannel Sun 17-Sep-17 14:22:37

I realise he wasn't asking about positions but my point was you don't have to answer every personal question about your sex life to encourage your child to be open with you. I wouldn't tell a child off for asking how often I had sex but I think it's perfectly valid to keep anything you consider private between you and your partner.

TatianaLarina Sun 17-Sep-17 14:25:24

how often THEY have sex and doesn't add to their knowledge of others' sexual habits as it is only one example. To get an understanding of what is the "average" they would have to ask many more people which is then going into "disturbing" behaviour!!!

He didn't ask about 'average' or others' sexual habits, he asked about his parents. I think they're a valid example of what's 'normal' in a standard ltr and in time he'll learn that amount differs widely. The people he's close to are the only ones he can ask - he's unlikely to ask lots of people.

CurlyhairedAssassin Sun 17-Sep-17 14:31:14

Completely disagree, Tatiana. Fair enough if you think differently.

Where do you draw the line though? If DS asks "mum, which rooms have you had sex in?" Or "how long does it take you and dad to have sex?" would you answer? I don't see the difference between those sorts of questions and asking about frequency of sex.

CorbynsBumFlannel Sun 17-Sep-17 14:32:34

Presumably you don't want to teach your kids that they have to share information just because they are asked. Particularly about sex. I'm thinking of the potential for bullying if they share stuff on social media etc. Modelling that some things are private and you don't have to discuss them is a good thing imo.

CorbynsBumFlannel Sun 17-Sep-17 14:34:03

Absolutely Curly. I think everyone would draw a line somewhere.

FledglingFTB Sun 17-Sep-17 14:34:13

It's great that he asked and that you were open enough to answer. You handled it well. it's not the 1950s ffs, sex is normal and his question was very straightforward - why is this taboo?

Saying that I would have probably asked him what/why he was suddenly so curious.

sourpatchkid Sun 17-Sep-17 14:34:56

I agree with those who think it's fine. I think it's great he can ask you and it's good to normalise sex in this day of extreme porn (which will tell him 20x a day is normal)

I used to ask my parents all kind of questions (including when and who they lost their virginity too) because my parents had been taught sex was something shameful that they shouldn't speak of and they didn't want to do the same with me. It's not damaged me at all and my boundaries are excellent (I actually provide teaching on boundaries so really, they're fine!)

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sun 17-Sep-17 14:36:08

I suppose he was hoping you'd say never. We've only ever done once
(Your conception)grin
Parents don't have sex, you know. wink

opheliacat Sun 17-Sep-17 14:37:28

I am on the side of "what an odd question" and the best answer would have been "DS, that question is very personal and the only person who should know is the person you are having sex with."

houseoboys Sun 17-Sep-17 14:38:27

I am a sex therapist and I think you answered great! Open and honesty is the way to go IMO. Sex is a natural part of any relationship and it is nothing to be ashamed about.

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