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AIBU?

Financial Abuse?

216 replies

emma6776 · 17/09/2017 08:41

Hi all, not sure if this is FA or not. Grateful for advice. DP and I have been together for 9 years, with one DD (5). He works full time earning over £80k and I went part time when I had DD. I took home £500 p/m when I went back after mat leave (2 days) but studied part time and now make £1000 p/m working 3 days. I've always paid all the childcare bar £124 per month from
CCVs that DP gets. Until August when DD started school at least 59% of my salary went on childcare & then I paid other activities on top - swimming, days out etc. Often had to walk (1 hr) to work and back because I couldn't afford bus fare at the end of the month, had to make my monthly lenses last 4 months as couldn't afford the direct debit. No saving. The house is in partners name. AIBU? He pays all the mortgage and utilities and most of the shopping (I do top up shops). I have no access to 'family' money. Savings are in his of DDs name. Sometime he will transfer me money for DD's swimming lessons or the vet if I have literally nothing left. He's otherwise lovely, but I do feel the situation is unfair. He just bought himself a £2k watch but I've needed new prescription glasses for over a year. I don't know how to discuss this with him as he makes me feel so unreasonable every time I raise finances.

OP posts:

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Shoxfordian · 17/09/2017 08:45

Yeah that sounds unfair to me

How does he make you feel unreasonable discussing finances? It's so important to be able to do that

arethereanyleftatall · 17/09/2017 08:46

Yes. Money should be shared once dc involved and one person sacrifices job to provide childcare. whether it's through a joint account or other means is irrelevant.

Ellisandra · 17/09/2017 08:47

"otherwise lovely"

He's not lovely at all. Because apart from the FA (yes, it is) you already know he makes you feel shit when you raise it.

How did you get into a situation where you were the one paying for childcare? And other activities?

Hopefully his £80K income is salaried and not easy to hide, so at least you can claim decent maintenance.

Go back to work full time. Leave him.

He's really not "otherwise lovely".

Gorgosparta · 17/09/2017 08:49

As you arent married yiu are in a diffixult position.

But you would be better off single.

SteampunkPrincess · 17/09/2017 08:49

but I do feel the situation is unfair. He just bought himself a £2k watch but I've needed new prescription glasses for over a year

yeah thats fair.....

I don't know how to discuss this with him as he makes me feel so unreasonable every time I raise finances.
so what is your plan? so what if he makes you feel unreasonable, just repeat in your head, 'this is not currently fair'

Until August when DD started school at least 59% of my salary went on childcare & then I paid other activities on top - swimming, days out etc. tell him what he needs to pay towards this, or set up a joint account for family expenses

Walkingdead11 · 17/09/2017 08:52

Oh dear this is definitely financial abuse. Sorry but you have very little protection at the moment. You say he's lovely but acts like you're being unreasonable? You need to be put on the mortgage at least. I'm sure others will comment soon with solid advice but what he is doing is wrong.

Zadig · 17/09/2017 08:52

emma - this set-up sounds very peculiar to me, but we always had joint finances so all money was one and the same.
Unless the mortgage and bills are eating up nearly all his salary, I'm not sure what your DP could be thinking here. His attitude seems to be of a single man with a self-supporting childminder (you). He probably thinks he's doing you a favour because he lets you live in the house.
How can he let you walk to work and this kind of thing? What does he actually say about it?

coconutpie · 17/09/2017 08:52

YANBU and yes that is financial abuse. Have you told him he needs to contribute more? He doesn't sound "lovely" at all.

emma6776 · 17/09/2017 08:54

Shoxfordian - if I say I need money for something, for example I recently had to have some dental treatment, and had no money in my account and 10 days until payday. He did willingly transfer the £150 for the treatment but not a penny more. So I always end up having to eBay or sell stuff to fund the last couple of weeks.

OP posts:

thethoughtfox · 17/09/2017 08:55

This is awful. It was MN that opened my eyes to the fact that why should women pay childcare from their often smaller , often PT salary/ wages? Because we feel it is our responsibility. He is the main earner, he should pay it.

specialsubject · 17/09/2017 08:58

So there is money for expensive sparkly tat, but he won't even give you money to see properly?

What is lovely about this man?

Idontevencareanymore · 17/09/2017 08:59

So you're struggling with buying a pair of glasses and he's walking around with the equivalent of 20 pairs of glasses on his arm?

This isn't a partnership and I'd not call someone who let's the person he loves go without lovely.

No advice I'm afraid but this is so unequal and grossly unfair.

LagunaBubbles · 17/09/2017 08:59

He isn't "lovely". A lovely man wouldn't let his partner go without and walk to work because they have no money whilst he earns £80K and buys himself £2K watches. And a "lovely" man would be taking responsibility for the childcare of his own daughter.

Brittbugs80 · 17/09/2017 09:01

With regards to childcare costs, did you ever ask for help from him?

And if you asked for the money for the dental treatment, how did the conversation go? Was it a, "I need money for dental work" "how much?" "150" "ok I've transferred it" my DH would only transfer what I asked for, he isn't a mind reader.

And how does he make you feel awkward when you try to have a conversation about money, what does he say?

Papafran · 17/09/2017 09:02

So, you are unmarried?
If you are and the house is in your DP's name and you have not been paying the mortgage, it is highly unlikely that you will be entitled to anything from it if you split up. It will all belong to him. All you will be entitled to is child maintenance. Meanwhile, you pay all your salary on childcare (which he should fund) and do not have a savings account.

You need to look for a way out of this situation. He needs to start paying the child care. You should bring up the house situation and ask for it to be put into joint names. You are the mother of his DC and you are in a highly precarious position. You should investigate any possibility of going full time. He should pay the childcare as he earns so much more- you could offer to pay some of the mortgage from your salary just to clarify the intention that it is a shared home.

Oh and he IS financially abusive. He is not 'lovely' in the slightest. If he was, he would care about what he is doing to you.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 17/09/2017 09:02

He's not 'lovely' at all. He sounds like a twat. If you have to ask him for money for medical stuff, he knows you have no money.

Does he not wonder why he doesn't have to pay for his child to be looked after outside of the home?

He has a live in housekeeper who he gets to shag.

You are being a mug. I am so sorry if that sounds harsh, but this isn't right at all.

Papafran · 17/09/2017 09:04

So I always end up having to eBay or sell stuff to fund the last couple of weeks

What a nasty piece of shit. He earns 3 times what most people get and he is being selfish as fuck. Please try to escape this situation if he will not change.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 17/09/2017 09:04

What?! You have to eBay stuff to afford things but he can afford a shiny new watch?

How on earth is this fair? I take it you're not married. The house isn't in your name at all? I'm sorry I'd get proper financial advice but I think you're in a very weak position.

As he earns so much I take it you're not going to get any benefit help either.

Do you love him? Why? What does he do that shows he loves you? Is he controlling in other ways?

The fact that you've posted says to me you already suspect this set up isn't right

Moanyoldcow · 17/09/2017 09:05

This is honestly insane. Why are you paying all of the childcare? Why are you buying top-up shops?

When you have a child you are a family - the only thing that's fair is equal access to family money and equal spending money.

What happened whilst you were on
MAT leave?

ILoveMillhousesDad · 17/09/2017 09:05

Wow brittbugs

Are you the dp???

Why the fuck would the OP have to ask for help with childcare costs??

spermbrows · 17/09/2017 09:06

He's not lovely. He's financially abusing you. He lives comfortably and happily while his partner struggles for basics, whilst raising his child! There's nothing bloody lovely about it.
I'm off work studying at the moment. My dh covers everything. I have no income right now (obviously I will in future). I've never had to ask for money ever, because I have full access, and he's never tried to police my spending.
I wouldn't waste a second more with him. Someone who can treat someone in that way is an awful person. You don't deserve it. I'm really sad for you that you're struggling so much while he splashes his money about on himself.

pleasingone · 17/09/2017 09:07

Hi, this isn't balanced at all. Your DC is his responsibility too. Have you told him about your lenses and struggles?
If so and he does nothing this is terrible, you're his partner and mother of his child!
I think you are going to have to have discussions and not give up. If not I can't see how this relationship has sustainability. I have a feeling you will accept it as he is providing the home...

HopefullyAnonymous · 17/09/2017 09:07

Does he actually know you're struggling? Specifically about the contact lenses etc?

Shoxfordian · 17/09/2017 09:07

Did you tell him you needed 150 or did you tell him you had no cash left and also needed 150?

Anyway it doesn't sound great.

I think you need a clear discussion about finances seeing how much in total is coming in; going out etc

It's not good that you're not already openly discussing money to be honest. I don't see how he relationship can have worked all this time without discussing it. You're supposed to be a team but he's not acting like it.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 17/09/2017 09:10

Do a spreadsheet. Your income and outgoings and do one for him.

Show it to him and if he thinks it's fine, game over.

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