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AIBU?

To distance myself from pregnant friend due to way she treats step-daugther

230 replies

Eastie77 · 13/09/2017 22:58

Close friend is pregnant with her first child. She has a 6 year old step daughter. She has never had any problems with DSD that I'm aware of and they've always had a good relationship. DSD visits regularly.

A couple of weeks ago we went out for lunch. She said she has become quite anxious as her pregnancy has progressed and is worried about something happening to the baby. As a result she has told her DH that she does not want her DSD to visit for the remainder of her pregnancy or be around when baby is born for the first few months as she wants to create a' cocoon' for the 3 of them. She asked me to tell her truthfully what I thought of this. I replied that I imagined her DSD would be devastated that she cannot see her dad or new sibling. At this point friend began to cry. I apologized for upsetting her. Lunch ended, hugged her goodbye although she still looked quite upset.

Later in the week she sent me a message stating that she had thought about my comment but decided to stick to her guns and had instructed her DH to tell daughter she cannot visit (he can go to visit her but friend does not want him to go too often as she has no family support and doesn’t want to be on her own for a whole weekend). She said she had spoken about the situation with another friend of ours who had told her that her feelings were 100% natural as when you are pregnant you become a lioness who just wants to protect her cub or something along those lines Confused. She went on to add that I shouldn’t judge until I’ve walked in her shoes. I have 2 small DC (no step children) but she seemed to be suggesting that as I didn’t suffer from anxiety during either of my pregnancies I don’t know how she feels. I actually was quite anxious at times but that’s a different story. I didn’t reply to the message or any subsequent ones and I know she is upset about this.

I’m probably projecting but I have a mental image of a 6 year old girl crying and traumatized as she suddenly can’t visit her dad. I want to support friend during her pregnancy, I’m sorry she’s suffering from anxiety but I’m horrified at her behaviour and cannot bring myself to contact her Sad.

OP posts:
opheliacat · 13/09/2017 23:01

She's a twat.

Alexandra87 · 13/09/2017 23:01

The only unreasonable person in this is that poor girls father if he actually goes along with this bollocks!

MyBrilliantDisguise · 13/09/2017 23:02

What a stupid, selfish woman. If she can't see the damage she's doing to her she must be really thick. If she doesn't care, she's heartless.

If her husband puts up with that crap from her, he's an awful man.

I think your friend wants to pretend it's his first child. She's trying to block out his daughter so that she can carry on with that pretence.

StarfishSeahorse · 13/09/2017 23:03

YANBU, has she seriously no thought at all for the poor child? Is her DH going along with this? It sounds like now she's having her own child she wants to erase the existing child from existence.

penstemon · 13/09/2017 23:03

How will your friend feel a few years down the line when her DH has moved on to wife #3 and is creating a new family with them and is excluding the child your friend is about to give birth to?

opheliacat · 13/09/2017 23:03

Of course the father will go along with it.

He won't see that little girl again.

SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 13/09/2017 23:04

Hopefully the father won't agree. And I hope this doesn't set a precedent for things to come in the dsd's life

justgivemethepinot · 13/09/2017 23:04

Nasty attitude to her poor step daughter, hopefully the dad will step in and refuse this bollocks. Sounds like she doesn't want to include the poor kid in her ideal little family now she has a baby of her own.

Beadieeye · 13/09/2017 23:07

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone so vile, either. This happened to my daughter and it's exactly as you fear I'm afraid. Although I do believe a decent dad would never ever contemplate going along with it.
I really hope this little girl has an amazing mum and plenty of other support, as she will need it if the stepmother gets her way.

HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood · 13/09/2017 23:07

She's being actively cruel to a 6 year old. She's literally cutting her out of the family (not to mention storing up resentments and issues for later on). Personally I'd tell her she's being a bitch in no uncertain terms.

Only1scoop · 13/09/2017 23:07

Selfish woman

Hope her DH sticks up for himself and Dsd

Only1scoop · 13/09/2017 23:08

And yes to distance

She'll become even more of a nitemare in her effing 'cocoon' Hmm

Danceswithwarthogs · 13/09/2017 23:08

Daft, self indulgent behaviour on her part. It's not like dsd wasn't part of her life before she got pregnant or it came as a surprise dh already had a child. She needs to grow up.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/09/2017 23:09

That's one of the most selfish, outrageous things I've ever heard of. Imagine how confused and devastated that little girl will be. Can't see her dad, can't see her sibling, as though she's a leper or something! And I call bullshit on using pregnancy hormones or that "lioness" horse shit of an excuse. Your friend is horrible.

LightDrizzle · 13/09/2017 23:10

The friendship would be over for me, and I'd send a non-abusive letter or email explaining why.
If her husband goes along with it then he's vile. They're a cracking pair. Poor little girl!
Can you contact her mother to let her know what's going on?

lunar1 · 13/09/2017 23:11

Oh god, I hope the dad ditches her. I'd tell her to fuck off, and let her know exactly why. She's a disgusting human being.

Ojoj1974 · 13/09/2017 23:11

Hopefully the father will stand up to her and tell how ridiculous she is being and suggest she gets some professional help.
Her family is soon to be DH, DSD and DC

Xeneth88 · 13/09/2017 23:11

Wow some of you have serious chips on your shoulders, none of you know what the father will do yet :/

"He wont see that little girl again"...Projecting? Daddy issues?

OP your friend's a hormonal twat, hopefully she will pull herself out of this and her DH will attempt to orchestrate that for the sake of all of his family.

ForagingForFaerieGold · 13/09/2017 23:12

A lioness protecting her cub from a 6yr old???? Confused
What does she think the child will do exactly?
This is about territory. About making HER child no1. Cocoon Indeed!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 13/09/2017 23:15

She can be however much of a bastard as she wishes and you do not have to remain friends with bastards.

Let's hope the dad tells her to get a grip and not be such a bastard

ItWentInMyEye · 13/09/2017 23:15

She sounds fucking tapped! And her DH is complicit if he allows these irrational actions to take place. Yes she's pregnant and anxious, but that in no way trumps the needs of a child who's already here and in a routine. I'm sorry to say your friend sounds horrible.

ChasedByBees · 13/09/2017 23:15

Since you're going to distance yourself anyway, I think you'd be doing your friend a favour telling her how selfish and harmful her actions will be and that this is just unforgivable cruelty to a small child, to write her out of her family.

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MimiSunshine · 13/09/2017 23:17

I would give her one more chance to recognise that her behaviour isn't right as I'd be worried that her mental state is really in a bad place and what could mean for PND or even psychosis.

I'd ask her what exactly the 'something' is she's worried about and how that relates to her DSD? I'd be asking her to consider if she really feels her behaviour is valid and encouraging her to speak to her midwife about her extreme anxiety

If she refused or insisted on carrying on then I'd step away and tell her why but to me rather than a wicked step mother make over I'd be very concerned that something was wrong

Eastie77 · 13/09/2017 23:18

Her DH worships his daughter. He won't cut contact with her - I'm almost certain of that - but unfortunately I think he will go along with not allowing her to stay at the house. My friend has told him that the stress of having DSD around may harm the baby and he is taking that seriously. My friend owns the house they live in which is also a factor I think as she has hinted that she has the right to decide who stays in her home or cocoon as she insists on calling it. It's very sad. We were very good friends and I was so excited for her when she fell pg but I just cannot get my head around this. I don't know how to respond to her messages suggesting we meet up or asking when would I like to drop round the baby clothes I said I'd give her etc (I still plan to give them to her).

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 13/09/2017 23:18

Just when you think you've heard it all!

How pregnant is she? What Mummy manual has she been reading exactly?

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