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Is this out or order or am I over reacting?

(71 Posts)
Nutmeggy Sat 09-Sep-17 23:03:40

Just found out my partner has been texting a female younger work colleague quite often, speaking on the phone and going for lunch with her, and arrranging to have drinks next month.

We don't live together and I only found out by accident when I borrowed his phone earlier as my battery had died.

There are a lot of texts, none of them sexual but very long and he discusses his work his plans for weekends and things he is doing outside work and yet none mention me?

They had lunch recently it seems and he I still talking about where they will go next time and where I stand she taking him?

Quite confused and unsure if this is innocent or not

She has a boyfriend and is significantly younger

SonicBoomBoom Sat 09-Sep-17 23:05:11

Any flirting in the messages?

Nutmeggy Sat 09-Sep-17 23:06:37

A bit yes? Jokey banter almost?

ShapelyBingoWing Sat 09-Sep-17 23:07:25

Has he ever mentioned het to you?

Yukbuck Sat 09-Sep-17 23:08:53

Has he mentioned her? And going for lunch?
The age thing shouldn't matter? (Unless she is a child and you are concerned about her in that respect) I have friends both male and female who are much older than me.

Bluntness100 Sat 09-Sep-17 23:09:29

Sounds like they are just friends to me? They work together so have that in common. How long have you been together?

Nutmeggy Sat 09-Sep-17 23:10:09

No never mentioned her to me, I was surprised to they obviously talk a lot as he refers to things in the texts etc some quite personal stuff

He's only been at this role 2 months so I'm surprised

Nutmeggy Sat 09-Sep-17 23:11:13

We have been together a year but going through a rough patch and I'm wondering if this is why now

Nutmeggy Sat 09-Sep-17 23:14:18

He seems to be doing things for me that's also a worry, buying her coffees in the morning on his way in etc

Perhaps I am silly to worry, he just hasn't been like that with me for a while

ShapelyBingoWing Sat 09-Sep-17 23:28:27

I'd be a bit concerned I think. IMO making a good new friend at your new job is something you'd mention to a partner, even in passing, unless there was some reason you felt the need to keep it from them.

Do you react badly to him socialising with women?

Summerswallow Sat 09-Sep-17 23:28:50

My husband has had female colleagues as friends, but their friendships were never that big a deal to him, he might meet them once a month or so or go for the odd coffee, but not a persistent or important friendship, and certainly not playing an important emotional role in his life like this one seems to- taking in coffees, texting a lot, it all does seem like it's filling a void which might be innocent at the moment, but could stray towards the inappropriate. Put it this way, I wouldn't want a man at work behaving like that towards me, and would find it too much, so that's my take on it.

Nutmeggy Sat 04-Nov-17 20:07:20

Well it's been a month, and he is still in touch with her every other day even whilst on holiday, talk on phone I know and meet up

I haven't said anything yet, but do look at his messages from time to time, he says he misses her whilst on holiday? None of their chat is about work either?

Justbookedasummmerholiday Sat 04-Nov-17 20:08:49

So dump him then. If he needs her to stroke his ego he isn't committed to you.

Pengggwn Sat 04-Nov-17 20:09:58

Yeah, that is worrying.

Nutmeggy Sat 04-Nov-17 20:12:30

Thanks yes I am building up the courage to discuss with him

HughLauriesStubble Sat 04-Nov-17 20:15:51

I wouldn't like the 'missing her' while on holidays op. You need to do something about it or it will only continue.

Justbookedasummmerholiday Sat 04-Nov-17 20:16:28

He is cheating and isn't likely to want to discuss it!!

TheyDoThoughDontTheyThough Sat 04-Nov-17 20:18:10

Oh dear. Huge red flags. You deserve better than this, OP.

greendale17 Sat 04-Nov-17 20:20:16

I think he is either cheating or planning to.

If it was all innocent why has he never mentioned her to you?

Nutmeggy Sat 04-Nov-17 20:23:21

I don't think anything has happened yet but worry that he is interested and that's why he is distant with me, they sign off with x now which I don't like

pinkliquorice Sat 04-Nov-17 20:23:45

My partner has many females friends, not always do I expect him to inform me she has texted him or they have met up.
If you think it’s suspicious and are uncomfortable all you need to do is ask him about it, see how he reacts.

AMagdalena Sat 04-Nov-17 20:26:24

If he's never mentioned her to you, his conscience might not be as clear as you'd like to be.

Nutmeggy Sat 04-Nov-17 20:28:27

Yes one half of me wants to think it's innocent but the other half is very worried especially as he doesn't seem very interested in making long term plans right now with me, he keep saying putting off discussing our holiday next year

Hooplaaaa Sat 04-Nov-17 20:31:45

It's not innocent in my opinion. Ask him asap it's not fair on you. And it will just eat you if you leave it any longer. Good luck.

Dancinggoat Sat 04-Nov-17 20:34:00

I think I would have to confront him for my own sanity.
My worry is that he’ll fob it off as a friendship and try to make you the neurotic one about the friendship.
This is horrid for you.

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