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To by upset that my husband pressured me to give him a handjob

(131 Posts)
onecrazycook Sat 09-Sep-17 10:43:42

This morning my husband wanted sex. I've been feeling under the weather this week and just was not in the mood. It's super rare that I turn him down, but I'm just not feeling it today.

He basically got really huffy about it and demanded I give him a handjob instead, which I was also obviously not in the mood for. I said no, but this caused to to accuse my of not loving him and "not wanting to do husband and wife things" and I ended up doing it to save the argument. When it was over I was in tears and he can't understand why I was upset.

I've just let it blow over because I don't want to fight with him.

AIBU?

TipTopTipTopClop Sat 09-Sep-17 10:46:25

I have no idea how anyone could possibly be turned on by a handjob from an unwilling source. What a twat. Does he normally react like this?

pinkyredrose Sat 09-Sep-17 10:46:26

YANBU. What's this about 'not turning him down '? Sex should be a mutually enjoyable act, not something one does because the other wants it.

Namechangetempissue Sat 09-Sep-17 10:47:41

YANBU.
He blackmailed you into doing something you didn't want to do -'if you don't do it you don't love me'. He is an abusive arsehole.
You are not a bloody sex doll pumped up to service your owner.
Has he got form for behaviour like this?

Notreallyarsed Sat 09-Sep-17 10:49:15

I'm always really saddened when women post things like this. OP you deserve more than to be treated like a blow up doll.

HerOtherHalf Sat 09-Sep-17 10:49:44

No, of course YANBU. He huffed and emotionally blackmailed you into a sexual act when you had made it very clear you did not want to. By any reasonable definition that is sexual abuse.

Smeaton Sat 09-Sep-17 10:50:53

You performed a sex act under duress that left you in tears...
There's a word for that... Its called rape..
That may sound like a massive over reaction, but younrrally need to thinkmaboit your future here IMO.
What next? He wants penetration or he'll go in a Huff till you do.
He wants anal and will go moody till you do?
How long till he just ignores what you want altogether?

guiltybystander Sat 09-Sep-17 10:51:07

I would have pulled and squeezed his willy really hard to teach him a lesson. Please do it next time grin

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 09-Sep-17 10:53:13

He understands quite well why you were upset but won't admit it. You are not some instantly-available domestic appliance, just there to serve his needs.

Any man who got huffy with me when I turned him down for sex, whether I'd been feeling under the weather or not, would be unlikely to be having sex with me ever again.

You don't need to fight with him in order to state your right to bodily autonomy. Your body is not his play-thing to be called upon when the mood takes him.

onecrazycook Sat 09-Sep-17 10:53:32

Pinky, my bad choice of words. I mean if he is the one to instigate sex it's not often that I don't respond with enthusiasm.

He doesn't do this normally, thus I'm upset about it. I'm asking opinions because I'm not sure if I just overreacted. I was surprised in myself to be crying but I I really felt vile at the end

Akire Sat 09-Sep-17 10:55:39

He sounds awful, what exactly where you doing that he couldn't do himself? Just would have taken effort, why bother when
Can guilt you?

Creambun2 Sat 09-Sep-17 10:56:28

What a dick. No means no. Is he always like this?

onecrazycook Sat 09-Sep-17 10:58:25

We've been married 8.5 years and this has never happened before. It's not like he's doing this all the time or is some sort of monster/sex pest.

I just wanted to know that I'm not wrong in being upset and maybe some advice on how to make sure he knows it was not ok

Creambun2 Sat 09-Sep-17 10:59:37

Well just tell him that this will never happen again.

JacquesHammer Sat 09-Sep-17 11:00:32

He coerced you into performing a sex act you didn't want to.

I think there needs to be a LOT of discussion surrounding respect and his feelings surrounding "husband and wife things"

Namechangetempissue Sat 09-Sep-17 11:01:28

I would sit down and talk to him. Say -do you know I feel absolutely disgusting after what happened earlier. I didn't want to do it and should be allowed to have a choice. I feel you blackmailed me and I'm really sad about that.
Hopefully if he is in any way decent he will be sorry.

Smeaton Sat 09-Sep-17 11:03:07

Op... A decent human being would already know it wasn't ok, they wouldn't need teaching.

Walkingdead11 Sat 09-Sep-17 11:03:20

No you're definitely not wrong to get upset, it was sex under coercive control, and that is assault. Making someone feel guilty, pressuring, emotional blackmail etc is not acceptable under any circumstances. Tell him this and that if he does it again you will take action.

Gemini69 Sat 09-Sep-17 11:03:40

He will do it again OP... now you've did it once.. tell him to GTF flowers

PressForPancakes Sat 09-Sep-17 11:06:49

How could he possibly enjoy it knowing you didn't want to do it, and crying? What sort of person gets off on that?

There's something very wrong here. You don't have to put up with being treated so badly flowers

user1492958275 Sat 09-Sep-17 11:10:37

*I would sit down and talk to him. Say -do you know I feel absolutely disgusting after what happened earlier. I didn't want to do it and should be allowed to have a choice. I feel you blackmailed me and I'm really sad about that.
Hopefully if he is in any way decent he will be sorry.*

This. You clearly don't think he's a horrible man and that's fine, but this does need some form of apology and you need to make him aware that it wasn't on, how it made you feel and if it happens again you'll be seriously questioning the marriage.

Good luck, OP flowers

StarfishSeahorse Sat 09-Sep-17 11:12:13

He's utter pig.
A disgusting fucking bully.
You don't deserve that treatment, you're worth more than this.

InsomniacAnonymous Sat 09-Sep-17 11:12:50

"How could he possibly enjoy it knowing you didn't want to do it, and crying? What sort of person gets off on that?"

Exactly. It's perverted and shows no love or respect for his own wife. As selfish as it's possible to be.

maras2 Sat 09-Sep-17 11:14:03

I've just asked DH of 42 years for his opinion.
I know Mumsnet has no swear filter,which is great as I'm quite sweary,but I can't bring myself to type his response < and he's usually much less sweary than me >
So basically your H is just a vile abuser.angry
Please try not to be too upset.
It's his behaviour that is reprehensible not yours. flowers

Remy66 Sat 09-Sep-17 11:14:44

Look, let's be honest. This man thinks "normal husband and wife things" includes coercing your partner into sexual acts and making them cry.
You're not overreacting and the fact he's not even remotely sorry shows you what kind of man he is. The only thing now is what are you going to do about it?

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