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To be a bit upset and hurt by my NCT friend?

(285 Posts)
lelapaletute Tue 05-Sep-17 10:39:01

I went to NCT before having baby and really hit it off with the 7 ladies in my group. One in particular I thought was really cool, the sort of person I'd be friends with "in real life" as opposed to the weird twilight mummy world!

We have a WhatsApp group where we all share our highs and lows, ideas, discoveries etc. A couple of the ladies kind of drifted off but most of us are chatting daily. I always felt a bit out of things as I live in a less nice bit of town than the rest of them (no NCT in my area) so they'd often meet ad hoc and I'd miss our, they go to the same children's centre/clinic etc and I go to my local one. But in the early days especially it was such a lifeline and I really felt close to them all.

As our babies have got older, the issues we have are different - most people have gone either in part or totally onto formula (I still EBF, as does this one particular "cool" lady), babies are doing really different things with sleep, mobility etc. My baby is crawling and pulling up at 7 months, but her sleep is awful, bf is a struggle and she is often very weepy and cross. I've just started trying to get her in her own room - up until now she's been co-sleeping.

Anyway off the back of a discussion on the WhatsApp about this with lots of different advice about how to help her sleep, the cool lady got in touch with me privately and basically said that I need to stop expressing my concerns about my daughter on the WhatsApp group, as because baby is advanced physically this is "humble-brag", and is making members of the group "who have had it really tough" worried about their own little ones' development (even though the concerns I have expressed are nothing to do with her crawling etc, I know that is really unusual and great and that babies develop in different aspects at different rates!).

She also said in the context of my concerns about my baby's low mood the only reason her own little girl is so happy (she is, famously, the jolliest baby ever, will go to anyone, smiles all the time, almost never cries) is because she, cool friend, only ever shows her happiness and love - the implication being that it's my fault my daughter is so often grumpy and that it's because I don't show her enough love! 😢

I am so hurt by this. I have been so open with these virtual strangers because I really believed we cared about each other and were all in it together. Now I feel mortified that I have apparently upset people, and so gutted people think I am trying to back-handedly show off (I am really not like that), and actually really angry she has seen fit to tell me I'm not loving towards my baby when I spend 24 knackered hours a day showering her with love, attention and approval (and before anyone asks I have written this epic post while she takes an epic nap - I am typing with one hand and holding her hand with the other to help her sleep as she had a really bad night's sleep).

Am I being silly to be so hurt by someone I thought was a friend, and feel grief that now I can't really talk to the group about how things are going? I mean is it normal to feel like your NCT group are real friends, not just a sort of functional grouping to have people to go to mum and baby things with and keep it light hearted? am I being a wuss?

For full info I have no family nearby and none of my pre-baby friends have children so I do feel generally isolated.... This may be why I have overshared/am overreacting...

EB123 Tue 05-Sep-17 10:43:25

Ignore, she sounds like a patronising twat. I have three children , all have developed differently both physically and sleep wise. All have their own temperaments despite being treated the same.

EB123 Tue 05-Sep-17 10:44:23

Also check out local playgroups etc to meet other local mums x

acquiescence Tue 05-Sep-17 10:49:15

She sounds like a nasty piece of work. Ignore the message and continue as normal.
Our Nct group naturally drifted apart after the first year, in guessing it's normal for this to happen. She sounds unkind and like she isn't that 'cool' or 'happy'.

Elledouble Tue 05-Sep-17 10:49:35

She sounds like a bellend. Everyone in our NCT had something they struggled with - sleep, eating, mental health, whatever - and we all really got the sense that no-one had it completely easy. But we supported each other, because that's what it's for!

A fast-developing child is a challenge as much as a source of pride, imho...

teaandtoast Tue 05-Sep-17 10:49:35

What a horrible thing to say.
My first couldn't even sit up until 10 months! All babies are different, I'm surprised she hasn't realised that.
Her other comments were beyond the pale.

HeyRoly Tue 05-Sep-17 10:51:02

I would sack the group off tbh. I didn't do NCT personally (like you I lived in a not very naice area and so the NCT wouldn't touch that town with a bargepole - not the right demographic) and have always considered it to be a quite false and quite unhealthy way to make friends. I mean, the endless discussing and comparing of babies skates a thin line between supportive and neurotic IMO.

And to suggest that you're a) humble-bragging and b) poisoning your child with "negativity" just proves how false and bitchy these female friendship groups can be. They're not your friends.

minifingerz Tue 05-Sep-17 10:51:07

That's so mean :-(

Try not to take it to heart, I know that's hard to do.

Please respond to her telling her that she's hurt you feelings a lot. Give her the chance to apologise - she may just be really fucking tactless and be regretting what she has said.

TheKidsAreTakingMySanity Tue 05-Sep-17 10:51:21

I would post that shit on the group and PA apologise that some people feel that discussing my child's development is being seen as bragging. Also say that you do resent being told that you do not love your child enough as it is complete bollocks! Every child is different. As a group of mothers they should all have the common sense to realise that every child develops differently. Jealousy is an ugly trait.

livefornaps Tue 05-Sep-17 10:52:30

I would text back "ok - I think I see what you're saying" followed by a photo of you grinning manically/eyes popping/tongue stuck out/wearing a ridiculous hat and holding a really grumpy baby. Followed by: "am I doing it right yet?"

I don't think there's much to be salvaged from this situation as you are all knackered and souped up on hormones so even if you raise your valid points it will likely descend into sulking or a bun fight. so you might as well make a joke of it. Who knows, she might laugh too & come down off her high horse.

whichwaynow82 Tue 05-Sep-17 10:55:13

What a fucking bitch.

Man this world is full of some right messed up people!

Stay away she sounds bloody toxic. Also sounds like she's been shit stirring

thereallochnessmonster Tue 05-Sep-17 10:56:17

I'd also post her response to the group chat, say how horrified and hurt you are by it, and see what resonses you get.

She doesn't sound cool; she sounds like a bitch.

I'd also concentrate on bonding more with nice members of the group - maybe meet one or two NCT friends, not the whole bunch?

HeyRoly - NCT wouldn't touch that town with a bargepole - not the right demographic

Where the NCT holds classes is down to where they can fill classes and make money. There's not much point offering classes in a location where they won't be full. The NCT is a charity and operates on a tight budget.

LaughingElliot Tue 05-Sep-17 10:57:48

What your cool friend has said is extremely twattish. I'm afraid many new mothers are gigantic twats 😔
Maybe she'll have a second, whiny baby.

But is it possible you have been insensitive about what you've posted to the group? A lot of new mothers are incredibly insensitive to others' feelings.

Crawling early is not "great", nor is crawling "late". All babies are different.

You all need to stop comparing your babies and try to be more supportive.

Allthebestnamesareused Tue 05-Sep-17 10:59:04

I suspect she is always used to be the Queen Bee herself and that she finds the group listening to you. I suspect it also the opposite rather than you bragging she is jealous that her baby isn't the bees knees!

Don't give up on the group entirely as it is a lifeline. I am still in touch with some from my first baby's group (he is 25!) and some from my youngest baby's (he is 15!).

At various stages each of the women have been better or lesser friends in my world depending on what I am going through and what they are going through.

minifingerz Tue 05-Sep-17 11:01:17

"I lived in a not very naice area and so the NCT wouldn't touch that town with a bargepole - not the right demographic"

I volunteer for NCT. They don't decide who sets up local NCT branches - it's up to volunteers to decide if they want to organise something in their area.

As for the courses - they run these according to where they get enquiries and bookings from. No paid bookings, no courses.

OP I agree that you should branch out a bit - have you been to your local children's centre? The more people you mix with the more likely you are to meet mums you'll develop good friendships with.

And have you heard of MUSH? It's an app like a sort of Tinder for mums who want to make friends. I don't know how well it works but I love the idea of it!

Squeegle Tue 05-Sep-17 11:01:42

Babies' temperaments are in the main decided by genes. She is not cool she is rude and also foolish.
Give them a wide berth and look for other friends. Easier said than done I know, but you're right, these groups are for mutual support and if you're not getting that then what's the point? I can't believe she had the nerve really!

PollyFlint Tue 05-Sep-17 11:02:08

She also said in the context of my concerns about my baby's low mood the only reason her own little girl is so happy (she is, famously, the jolliest baby ever, will go to anyone, smiles all the time, almost never cries) is because she, cool friend, only ever shows her happiness and love

This woman is an absolute cow.

(Also, she shouldn't speak to soon. My sister was the jolliest baby ever, smiled at everyone, never a moment's trouble ... and grew up into the most obnoxious, moody, hysterical drama queen of a teenager you could possibly imagine.)

Squeegle Tue 05-Sep-17 11:03:18

My DS was a lovely happy smiley baby. He is NOT the same at 13 no matter how much love he is showered with 😂

Talith Tue 05-Sep-17 11:04:47

Tbh humble bragger mums do yank my chain but she sounds like a bit of a wanker for making it into an issue. Unless you were trilling accomplishments in every message in which case that would grate a little (my kids were last to do everything). This friendship group may have run its course. Agree that finding more groups near you sounds like a good thing.

HeyRoly Tue 05-Sep-17 11:05:20

Where the NCT holds classes is down to where they can fill classes and make money. There's not much point offering classes in a location where they won't be full. The NCT is a charity and operates on a tight budget.

My point exactly. The main draw of NCT classes is for educated, middle class parents to meet other educated, middle class parents, which is why they won't fill classes in more deprived areas.

I always figured the eye watering cost of the classes handily weeds out any undesirables too <ahem>

sog74 Tue 05-Sep-17 11:06:33

Remember that her happy little girl might be not so happy in a few months, years.
My eldest was a very colicky grumpy girl for the first 6 months. It was hard work for the next 6 and but now she is this happiest little girl.
I don't wish her any bad, but she can't never count on it. She might not be a good sleeper as a toddler, etc. Lots of thing can change.
Don't worry about her you are doing your best.

PrincessWonderRabbit Tue 05-Sep-17 11:06:37

Is it her first? Bloody idiot.

My first two were nightmares, then I had baby 3 when the others were still toddlers. He was almost entirely ignored and left to get on with it. Loved obviously but you know, when I had the time.

He was the most wonderful happy smiley baby in the world. As an experienced mother of babies I put it down to what it was. Dumb luck.

SoftKittySillyKitty Tue 05-Sep-17 11:08:50

I know it's hard OP but can you ignore her and keep going with the group?

She is trying to silence you and shut you down for whatever person agenda. You don't know what the others really think and like a PP said, NCT is a valuable lifeline to throwaway just because of one shitstirrer.

thereallochnessmonster Tue 05-Sep-17 11:09:10

I always figured the eye watering cost of the classes handily weeds out any undesirables too <ahem>

Don't be silly. The NCT offers free or heavily subsidised places for people who can't afford classes. It costs a lost to train counsellors and course teachers, and the NCT has to pass on the costs to the course attendees - like any other business.

GrockleBocs Tue 05-Sep-17 11:09:32

Don't assume she's speaking for the group. She's bragging about her parenting overtly in any case.

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