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To ask DWs 2/3/4 What exactly is your thought process re having babies with him

(77 Posts)
ForgotwhatIcameinherefor Sun 03-Sep-17 19:17:55

So my DD2's dad sees our daughter as little as he can in spite of court order - he will cancel on a fairly regular basis at short notice and with the flimsiest excuse - if not just a fake one (I can literally always check his constant social media updates for the facts). They have barely any phone/text conversation between visits and he wants no involvement in her life beside the single overnight stays when they do happen. When she is with him she just has to fit in with his and current wife's weekend plans so sometimes see family, often go to Dunelm, ASDA etc and walk the dog. He did take her to the cinema once last year.smile DD always comes home completely empty handed, even if it's been for a night following her birthday or Christmas as she is not allowed to bring anything home, but she tells me she won't ask him for treats or anything while she's there anyway, she just sort of "knows" not to. I could go on about how little regard he shows/miserly he is towards her but don't want to be too specific.
Thing is, I could understand the whole wicked stepmother thing re his wife of 2 years ie wanting him all to herself "without the pesky kid around" blushbut now it's confirmed they have been trying for a baby since the wedding. She can see for herself how he (mis)treats his own daughter no matter what lies he has told her about me.
If you are wife number 2 (or later) how do you think you know your DH is going to treat your future DC differently?
Genuinely intrigued, and certainly don't feel any malice towards DD's dad's wife who I have never met as I wouldn't wish her current husband on anyone grin

MrsBobDylan Sun 03-Sep-17 19:23:00

If you felt like he would make a good enough Dad and wanted to have a child with him, chances are she feels the same, as he will have the same 'effect' on her that he had on you, before he revealed his true self.

People always think people change. It's rarely true.

ForgotwhatIcameinherefor Sun 03-Sep-17 19:29:16

I feel like thats the answer re having a relationship with him, all other relationships being in the past, but the child is the ongoing evidence though. This is how he is completely comfortable with treating his own flesh and blood.

WhiskeySourpuss Sun 03-Sep-17 19:29:20

My DD's dad is even worse... hasn't seen DD's in over 10 years & has a 10yo son that he hasn't seen in at least 8 yet wife number 2 reckoned he was father material & has 2 kids with him!

MrsBobDylan I'm guessing in OP's case (like mine) she didn't have his previous examples of shit parenting to help make her decision - it's definitely something that I'd consider if I wanted to have more kids with a new partner who already had children.

PerfectPenquins Sun 03-Sep-17 19:29:44

They think they will be the one to change him lol won't happen sadly.

WeirdAndPissedOff Sun 03-Sep-17 19:34:16

I can imagine many get fed the "evil ex" stories - "all I want is to be a good father, but ex moves the kids away/makes contact difficult/turned the kids against me/takes all my money so I can't afford to visit". For others, I honestly don't know.
I think naivety, and seeing the person they want you to see plays a big part.

FittonTower Sun 03-Sep-17 19:35:59

They do change tho, my half siblings mum had nothing to do with them, despite living a couple of streets away for a lot of their childhood. She got married again, had another daughter and, while it doesn't sound like she was winning any parenting awards she stuck it out and raised her daughter into a very nice adult.
Not that id want a man that abandoned previous children but a parent ditching the first children then having a shiny new family that they do stick around for isn't uncommon.

Winosaurus Sun 03-Sep-17 19:37:43

My DP is an amazing dad and that's one of the reasons I fell in love with him. If he was shit and selfish with his kids I'd run for the hills!
I never understood this either OP

PollyFlint Sun 03-Sep-17 19:40:19

Who knows what your ex has told his wife? He might be telling her that you're the one who's made it difficult for him to see his daughter, rather than telling her the truth. She'll only have heard his side of the story unfortunately.

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 03-Sep-17 19:42:10

Some of what you mention as criticisms are a matter of opinion. Cancelling on her is shit and eventually she'll see through him and want to have less contact with him if he's unreliable.

But my DSC go to the supermarket with us when they're here, they get involved tidying the garden, cleaning the house, doing boring every day stuff. Why wouldn't they, we're all part of this home and when they're here every weekend, they live here and are members of the family, not guests.

The opposite behaviour of the non resident parent is criticised far more harshly on here when the DC don't have rules to follow and everything is fun and exciting days out and gifts with the Disney dad.

They have everything they need here and it's their other home so they don't take many things between the houses. Their mum throws anything they've tried to take from ours to hers, be it gifts from my side of the family or things they've baked. So what's the point, everything stays here.

DH is a wonderful father, it's one of the things I love about him the most and we'd love children of our own as well. But what would his ex say about him? Nothing good. She's incessantly critical and tells the DC so and sends the most spiteful, cruel, untrue emails to DH telling him how awful he is.

Do I let what she thinks of him as a dad bother me or put me off having DC with him? Nope. I see how he is with DC, I know what he's really like, I know him, them, and him with them.

Ttbb Sun 03-Sep-17 19:43:29

To be frank I would never marry a man who had voluntarily left his children. Even if he visits them regularly and buys the lavish gifts. You don't walk away from your children no matter how much you hate their mother.

notanotherNC Sun 03-Sep-17 19:44:15

I guess they think the problem was wife number 1. She was probably crazy or didn't give enough blowjobs or let herself go. And he would NEVER treat her and her child in the same way as she is a much better woman than stupid old wife number 1.

splendide Sun 03-Sep-17 19:45:40

I had this with one of my closest friends. She was (is!) super smart, gorgeous, generally really together but got together with someone who barely saw his two very young boys.

They've now got a little boy together, he fucked off and now he's starting up family number three with someone else. It's bizarre to me. Would be an absolute deal breaker.

My friend is fine by the way - single mum and raising a lovely son. But I never understood why the fact he'd basically abandoned his first lot of children didn't put her off.

purplemunkey Sun 03-Sep-17 19:50:25

Unfortunately some people do behave differently with subsequent partners/children. My DPs father was an absolute arse to him, his brother and their mother. Life was very tough for them growing up by all accounts, DP has been NC with him since about 12. He remarried and had two more boys, looked after them just fine though. I doubt they'd even know they have half brothers. They'd probably find it very hard to believe how cold and disinterested he was to his first family.

Urubu Sun 03-Sep-17 19:50:40

From another POV:
My DD left his wife and children for my DM, the divorce was difficult and his ex-wife made contact difficult and he ended up not seing his children anymore (obviously his side of the story, but the only one I know).
He has been married to my DM 35y and has been a great dad to DSis and I. So I would say DM was right to trust it would be different than with his first DC.

Urubu Sun 03-Sep-17 19:51:28

DM 35y
I meant married for 35y, not that DM is 35y! *

Itsnotmesothere Sun 03-Sep-17 19:53:59

Not a 2nd wife here but I just couldn't even have a relationship with a man who didn't take his children seriously. I can't believe that it's not a massive turn off for some women.

ForgotwhatIcameinherefor Sun 03-Sep-17 19:55:49

Ann LovesGilbert that's sounds lovely but it's not what I'm describing. Every weekend lends itself to more normality I would say. I'm pleased for you and would be happy to have babies with your DH too wink As I said, don't want to get too much into specifics but there is a court order in place for 2 single nights per month, firstly that's 3 times as much as he wanted and secondly it's still half the norm. Oh and thirdly that's what he can't even arrange the rest of his life around! Plus as they have moved away twice so the travel of 4-6 hours per night of contact is pretty unreasonable for a child, and it's not me who has moved the child away as a previous poster suggested, he's moved himself purely by choice.
As Whiskey said, I didn't have the benefit of "here's some I prepared earlier"!

RonSwansonsMoustache Sun 03-Sep-17 19:56:26

Because they're liars, and the story they tell wife/gf no. 2/3/4 will be along the lines of "she won't let me see my kids/she just wants my money/she's abusive/she cancels contact/she lies to the kids about me".

No decent man doesn't see his children. I know a man who was genuinely stopped from seeing his kids - he never stopped fighting for them and now has regular contact, including weekends and overnights in the week. He's a great father and unfortunately the victim of a bitter ex who didn't want him to move on.

But most men seem to be able to switch off when they split up. They connect the DC with their ex and just aren't interested in doing the right thing.

splendide Sun 03-Sep-17 19:57:36

Urubu I guess my issue with having children with someone like your dad would be the risk. He's shown that if it's difficult to see his children then he'll walk away.

TallulahBetty Sun 03-Sep-17 19:59:13

My colleague is having a baby with a man who doesn't seen his kids from a previous marriage, his choice. They still live in the same town as them. I personally don't understand how she can marry, let alone reproduce, with a man like that. I couldn't.

Petalflowers Sun 03-Sep-17 20:01:20

I thought the same as Anna. Your daughter is living an everyday life with her father. Usually Disney dads get criticised. Obviously, it would be nice for him to make her feel special occasionally, and not to cancel meet-ups.

SimplyNigella Sun 03-Sep-17 20:02:10

I only had a child with DH (and only married him, come to think of it) because of how brilliant he is with DSS and how hard he fought through the courts for contact. When I first introduced him to my parents they told me it was a huge positive to see in advance how a man handles things when they go wrong.

The reverse is therefore true in my mind, if your DH isn't interested in their child from a previous relationship then it's likely that would be the same for your child if your relationship breaks down.

Clearly nobody goes into relationships planning for a break down, but it good to know how your DH is likely to act if it does.

KC225 Sun 03-Sep-17 20:04:23

I fell out with a close colleague who who said she was considering starting a family with her are of a boyfriend who had abandoned his son. I asked it was considering his past behaviour. She said he didn't believe in part time Fathers. Didn't believe on handing over any financial support either. He also said 'if he wants to find me, he'll have to put the work him' The boy was 10. I could never date anyone with that attitude to a child, let alone consider having a child with them

reallybadidea Sun 03-Sep-17 20:05:29

I reckon that with some 'new' woman there may be an element of actually not wanting their partner to have a good relationship with their existing children because of jealousy towards them and their mother. It probably makes their lives considerably easier to buy into the narrative that contact is too difficult, even if the evidence to the contrary is staring them in the face. People can be remarkably good at not seeing what they don't want to see hmm

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