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to think that "two tier" birthday parties are mean?

(285 Posts)
haventkilledtheorchidyet Sat 02-Sep-17 17:10:09

I have never had any parties for my children where a proportion of the invitees are invited for a sleepover, and the rest go home. My view has always been that these provoke bad feelings in the ones who have to go home, somehow thinking they are "second tier" friends.

My poor DS, it seems, has been invited to one of these parties and will be coming home when others at the party are transported back for a sleepover.

Your views on this? I understand that some parents want to do exactly what their children want, maybe can't fit all children in their home for a sleepover, etc. but AIBU to expect parents to do the adult thing and treat all partygoers the same on the day, and perhaps have a sleepover at a different time?

I'm not looking forward to seeing my DS after this party sad

haventkilledtheorchidyet Sat 02-Sep-17 17:49:54

Hmm I think the problem here is that my son sees himself as first tier when clearly he is second tier. We shared a lift with someone who is first tier. I was told he wouldn't need a lift home from me, as he was going to the sleepover, which will possibly rub salt into the wound.

ElizabethShaw Sat 02-Sep-17 17:50:52

If its 10 friends at a party, 2 are sent home and the rest stay, that's mean.

If its 10 friends, and only 2 are sleeping over, that seems fine/normal to me.

Bridezilla2be Sat 02-Sep-17 17:51:42

I think it depends on the numbers. I went to one once where only two of about ten guests had to go home and the rest of us were told to keep it quiet. Even as a 10 year old I felt awful about it. If it had been reversed (two invited back) it wouldn't have seemed so harsh...

Lurkedforever1 Sat 02-Sep-17 17:52:30

My view is that you need to get a grip, unless it's the unlikely scenario that the vast majority are staying and just your ds and another going home.

It wouldn't have occurred to me to have upwards of a dozen primary girls to sleepover, and likewise neither dd or I expected her to be invited to every sleep over. Ime the kids all know the sleepover is best friends only, and only get upset if their parents encourage them to feel they are entitled to go.

Bridezilla2be Sat 02-Sep-17 17:52:46

Oh wow, ElizabethShaw! That was quite the cross post lol!

bridgetreilly Sat 02-Sep-17 17:53:12

Who has the energy for a party and a sleepover? One or the other seems to me a perfectly sufficient way of celebrating a birthday, not both.

twelly Sat 02-Sep-17 17:54:54

Totally agree that this is not polite and as children copy our actions it does not encourage sensitive behaviour. The only exception would be children of 11 or so upwards where the party was mixed and only children wth the same gender as the party child slept over

Steeley113 Sat 02-Sep-17 17:59:42

There are also lots of other reasons why they wouldn't be invited to the sleepover, not just how close of a friend they see them as.

For example, my son is close friends with a child who has additional needs. I know I couldn't meet those needs so I wouldn't invite him to sleep over. The parent knows this and accepts it. She often doesn't even get a 2nd tier invite which I find much worse.

Flyinggeese Sat 02-Sep-17 18:01:07

Never heard of this but it's an awful thing to do! How rude and sends a message to the children it's ok to treat people like this.

They probably wouldn't treat adults like this, so why children? Rude, rude, rude.

Pleasefindmyreallife Sat 02-Sep-17 18:03:30

Very dependant on numbers and the circumstances of the chosen.

Why does your DS feel he should be first tier? If he's been on lots of sleepovers there before I'd say you have a point.

Greyskiesover Sat 02-Sep-17 18:03:54

This happened to my DD when she was 9. All the girls stayed to the sleepover (about 8 or 9 of them) but two were sent home, one of whom was DD. To make it worse we had no idea it was a two-tyier party, and only realised when I dropped her at the party and everyone else was going in with pillows and suitcases. It was one of the meanest things I have seen. And then DD had to listen to them all raving about the sleepover on Monday morning. It would have been better not to have invited her. I still have to smile through gritted teeth when I see the mother concerned.

Pleasefindmyreallife Sat 02-Sep-17 18:07:12

Why is it rude ?
Surely her child would be just as gutted if there was no party and also no invite to the sleepover?

gabsdot Sat 02-Sep-17 18:14:59

My DD almost fell victim to one of these.
First tier groups went and did an activity and then came back to the house where more guest came for a movie and cake
DD was invited to the second bit and didn't know anything about the activity until birthday girl started talking about on the way to school that day. We're close friends with the family and I drive the kids to school.

As it happened someone couldn't go to the activity so DD got a last minute invite.

I was pretty pissed at the whole thing. I thought it was very rude and I was sorry afterwards that I didn't say something to the mum when the last minute invite came.

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 02-Sep-17 18:18:34

Dd went to a party like this last year. Half invited for the sleepover and half not. All the children invited for just the party declined. The girl ended up having hardly any friends at her party unfortunately for her. In the end, I think three friends went from dds school including dd. Lesson learned. From this, I deduce it should be all or none or done on a different day.

CotswoldStrife Sat 02-Sep-17 18:19:20

Similar to the OP, my DD was invited to a party and I offered to give her friend a lift too - friend was invited to the sleepover so had to take her and sleeping bag etc, and just bring DD home on her own!

I don't think she was too disappointed but I did wish I hadn't offered to take the other child as that would have made it less obvious blush I didn't know until the other parent had taken me up on the offer, though!

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 02-Sep-17 18:21:49


That's really bad. The only time I did this was where 2 friends couldn't come as one was allergic to horses and the other didn't want to be the only boy. So they came to the after activity party and I took dd and the 2 friends bowling on dds actual birthday.

Flyinggeese Sat 02-Sep-17 18:26:02

Why is it rude? Because it's so obviously 'classifying' people as a and b list. oK of course some friends are going to be closer friendships than others but to split a party like this is really crass and bad manners.

GrockleBocs Sat 02-Sep-17 18:27:37

Dd suggested this one year. I said it was rude and we wouldn't be doing that.

TheLambshankRedemption Sat 02-Sep-17 18:31:21

My child turned out to be B list.

Found out accidentally that the other 2 in the friendship group of 4 were staying at the birthday child's house for a sleepover. There had been a party with more children first.

My child took it well but as the 4 of them have been close friends for a while I did think it was a bit mean knowing that the dynamic was not all it seemed.

GetAHaircutCarl Sat 02-Sep-17 18:31:34


Everyone or no one ( unless you have to keep a straggler to help a parent out etc).

FreeSpiritJen Sat 02-Sep-17 18:33:38

Yep sounds mean. It makes the kids who are shipped off (and not invited to the sleepover) seem less important.

Don't like it.

ChickenBhuna Sat 02-Sep-17 18:40:21

Do people really do this op? How horrid.

How is little Grace meant to understand why James gets to stay for a sleepover yet she doesn't?

lalatiddlytubby Sat 02-Sep-17 18:49:27

Extremely cruel IMO- that sort of shit can take a long time for the kid to forget.
If you can't have everyone stay, none at all should be sleeping over.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler Sat 02-Sep-17 19:02:15

It's only "fine" if you don't give a shit how the second tier friends are going to feel when it's time for them to go home.

Personally, I think it's an incredibly shitty thing to do. If you want a sleepover on the same day and can only invite four to the sleepover, then you only have four to the party.

Either that or you do the things as completely separate events on separate occasions.

megletthesecond Sat 02-Sep-17 19:04:03

Not ok.

Kids have enough friendship issues without rubbing it in their faces.

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