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AIBU?

To say 'no' to a date because of this?

250 replies

BossyBitch · 25/08/2017 23:20

I'm totally prepared to be told IABU, but please read the backstory before deciding - I'll try to keep it reasonably short:

I've recently met a man and he's asked me on a date. It's definitely not love at first sight by any means, but he's nice enough and we have some interests in common. Under different circumstances, I might consider accepting and seeing how it goes, but he's unemployed and, even if he weren't, would be looking at a salary of about a third of my own. And this is kind of a deal-breaker for me.

I'm divorced, and exH has always made a lot less than me. This led to me losing almost half of what I owned and of my pension in the divorce. He also used to be insanely jealous of my professional situation - both in the sense that he envied me for being the main breadwinner and in that he actually seemed to feel personally threatened by my career, which is admittedly important to me.

Being asked out by this guy has brought this all back. I really don't want another man who feels he has to be extra macho because his partner out-earns him. I also don't want to spend another few years paying for everything and then being given the silent-treatment because I've somehow insulted his manhood by doing so.

Then again, there's no reason to assume that other men would act like this just because my exH does - and I do feel like a horrible snob for turning someone down due to this.

So, AIBU to say no to a date because he doesn't have a job and - even if he did - comes nowhere close to my own earning potential?

OP posts:
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Sayyouwill · 25/08/2017 23:22

Yup. And you know it

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AlternativeTentacle · 25/08/2017 23:24

you can say no for whatever reason you want. i once ditched a chap because he turned up in loafers. didnt ever regret it.

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user1485639128 · 25/08/2017 23:24

Yes and no. I get the feeling that your not ready to date

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Youvegotafriendinme · 25/08/2017 23:24

YNBU. Hmmm if I'm totally honest, I wouldn't date someone who didn't work unless there was a genuine reason (Illness,carer.) With your history, I think, even more reason not to

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ladyofourmadhouse · 25/08/2017 23:25

One date wouldn't hurt, you've got nothing to lose x

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ethelfleda · 25/08/2017 23:25

YABU
Not every man is like your ex!
You're looking down your nose at this guy before even giving him a chance.

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SqueeksAway · 25/08/2017 23:25

No. You are just not that into him

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hellybellyjellybean · 25/08/2017 23:26

Def nbu I'd do the same in that position (regardless of past experience with your ex)

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AnneGrommit · 25/08/2017 23:27

YANBU to say no to any date invitation from anyone. Go on dates with people who you want to spend time with. Of course it's wrong to make value judgements about people in terms of everyday being a member of society type stuff, but if you don't want to date someone for whatever reason then don't.

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WhamBarsArentAsFizzyAsTheyWere · 25/08/2017 23:27

I don't think your looking down your nose at him, your lifestyles are just incompatible, it happens.

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catsoup · 25/08/2017 23:27

I don't think you're being unreasonable, you have your reasons for feeling the way you do.
Are there other qualities about him you like? It might be worth going on a date and finding out more about him. You've nothing to lose by doing that.

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Nuttynoo · 25/08/2017 23:28

Yanbu. I wouldn't want to date a man without a job either.

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RollingGreenMarble · 25/08/2017 23:28

YANBU, not least because you have every right not to date someone for any reason at all.

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FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 25/08/2017 23:29

I'd probably meet him and get to know a bit more about his circumstances. Either you'll hit it off, find out that actually his reasons for being unemployed are ok with you and that you are willing to take it a bit further before worrying too much about future money/prospects because he's fun and interesting - or you will realise he's not for you and won't have to worry about it all.

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ChopinLisztFinder · 25/08/2017 23:29

You don't need a reason to say no. You don't have to justify it to anyone.

It doesn't sound like you particularly fancy him, and his life situation is uncomfortable for you. It's no big deal. He's just not for you.

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FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 25/08/2017 23:30

But obvious as others have said, you can choose not to date him for any reason. I probably wouldn't tell him though Grin

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Trills · 25/08/2017 23:30

You can always decline to date someone for any reason at all, at any time.

Nobody is ever obliged to date someone.

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Trills · 25/08/2017 23:32

"Reminds me of things I didn't like about my ex" is a good reason.

You don't need a good reason, but that is one.

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Fluffypinkpyjamas · 25/08/2017 23:34

YANBU at all because it's up to you to decide and why would you go on a date with him. Once bitten twice shy and rightly so.

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Fluffypinkpyjamas · 25/08/2017 23:35

Oops! Missed out "when you feel like this" after with him

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BossyBitch · 25/08/2017 23:37

Thanks, everyone! I'm completely aware that I am obviously free to say no to anyone at all for any reason or none whatsoever!

No, I don't exactly fancy the pants off him. I like him and we have a few things in common, but physically he's not really my type.

I actually do know why he's unemployed - I won't go into too much detail on here because it might out him and that wouldn't be fair - but it's a reason that makes me suspect strongly he's a bit of a diva when it comes to jobs. The sort of person who'll only take an X position and only for Y amount of money and at Z conditions, and if that's not on offer he won't play ball if you know what I mean. It's another thing that I'm not very comfortable with.

Turning up in loafers is a very legitimate reason never to see someone again, by the way!

OP posts:
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OhTheRoses · 25/08/2017 23:38

My mother once said you should never refuse a date; he (or she) might have a very nice friend.

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geekone · 25/08/2017 23:41

YANBU lots of things contribute to why we want to date people. Chances are if you were really into him you might not have even enquired about his job situation. If it is important to you then it will always be at the back of your mind.

YABU though if this could be just a hookup if it is money doesn't matter 😜

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Letstryagainshallwe · 25/08/2017 23:41

Yanbu. I don't work and know this puts a lot of people off. It's natural.

I don't get the never refuse a date thing. A friend is different from a date. Very odd saying, sorry.

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IHeartDodo · 25/08/2017 23:41

I don't think you're being that unreasonable...
But then I once turned a guy down because he was shorter than me (DP is literally 1/2 an inch taller, so he squeaked through!) yes I was shallow at 18,who wasn't

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