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AIBU?

AIBU to be disgusted with my parents

145 replies

CabbagesAREFluffy · 24/08/2017 09:31

There is a back story to this.

When I was growing up we lived in a absolute shit pit. The house was not just a mess but filthy. The carpets were crawling with silverfish.
My dad worked hard in a professional role but my mum was a SAHP and never worked she was lazy, housework cleaning and cooking was beneath her. She wasn't ill or anything, no MH issues just down right lazy.

Our house stank, our clothes stank as they rarely got washed. I used to get bullied at school for smelling terrible.

There home is not as bad now, it still smells and they smell but it's not as filthy. My mum still doesn't do anything around the house but dad tries his best but he works full time and finds it a struggle to do all the chores and the cooking.

Last year a member of DHs family died and me and him went abroad for 5 days. Our DC stayed with my parents.

It wasn't until I went to do DDs washing that I realized none of her clothes or extra uniform had been used. I took her to school on Monday morning as we had a afternoon flight and she was collected. My mum had put her bag somewhere "safe" but couldn't locate it. So she had no change of clothes no underwear no pjs or even a hairbrush.

My mum miraculously found the bag the day we returned.

When this came to light I had it out with both of them. Mum couldn't see what the issue was. Dad was mortified.
They had our keys so they could of gone to the house to get more clothes for her but mum couldn't be bothered as it was all too much for her having to take and collect DD from school. They live a 5 minute walk from the school.

Since then I don't have much to do with my mum but I've tried hard to make my dc have a relationship with my parents. It's difficult as my mum is even more lazy than ever and my dc is expected to just watch tv soaps and daytime tv round their house.

My dc goes round one evening after school has a meal with them then goes to a sports activity. They pick her up, get her changed into her school uniform then she comes home.

She also spends 2 hours with them on a Saturday. That seems enough as she gets bored at their house.

My parents were out to dinner last night. They dropped DD off to her club and my DH collected her. Her club uniform was filthy and looked like mud down her top. She told me it wasn't mud it was gravy. She had apparently spilt her clubs Xmas dinner down her shirt. She's said she reminds her nan to wash it every week but never does.

I'm absolutely fuming, they failed me and my sister as a child and now they are failing my DC. Do you think I should go NC after having it out with my parents?

OP posts:
WiganPierre · 24/08/2017 09:33

I don't think you should go NC, but perhaps only let your children visit when you're present. Sorry for everything that's happened OP.

chewbaccathehooky · 24/08/2017 09:34

Xmas dinner?

dinosaursandtea · 24/08/2017 09:35

I absolutely think you should go NC. That's appalling.

RedBullBlood · 24/08/2017 09:36

I wouldn't be letting mine spend that amount of time with them.

Bluntness100 · 24/08/2017 09:37

I don't really understand. Why has she got Xmas dinner down her top. It's August?

PolarBearGoingSomewhere · 24/08/2017 09:37

I don't know if I'd go NC, that certainly isn't something to take lightly. Seems rather a departure from allowing your DPs such an active and unsupervised role in DC's life. However, I would not be allowing my parents to look after my DC in any way again.

One evening a week and a weekend morning is quite a lot of childcare help and should not be done by anyone you're not comfortable with.

It might be a difficult conversation Flowers

Bluntness100 · 24/08/2017 09:37

And why don't you wash it?

Laiste · 24/08/2017 09:37

Oh my lord don't send your children round there any more! Why subject your kids to it?

Hercules12 · 24/08/2017 09:38

I know you say no mental health problems but your dm does sound like she has depression. I agree with pp. Not a reason to go nc but I wouldn't let my dc be there with out me and I'm surprised you have for this length of time.

hesterton · 24/08/2017 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ecureuil · 24/08/2017 09:39

So it's had gravy down it since Christmas?
If I knew my parents were that way inclined I'd probably have checked her uniform was clean before now!
YANBU though, id seriously limit time spent at their house

Hoppinggreen · 24/08/2017 09:39

You know what your mum is like - why are you surprised?
You won't change her so accept it and work around it

RedBullBlood · 24/08/2017 09:40

Please explain about the Xmas dinner! Is dd's club having Christmas in August (which would be a whole other AIBU) or has the gravy been there since last year?

DoJo · 24/08/2017 09:40

I don't understand why you are insisting that your children have a relationship with them? It sounds like neither your parents not your children are that bothered by it.

At the very least, I think it's asking for trouble to have regular arrangements that rely on your parents doing washing for your children- I get on well with all my kids' grandparents but don't expect them to wash their clothes.

Tatteredlace · 24/08/2017 09:41

She hasn't washed her clothes in 8 months?

I had a similar experience and I would never trust my Mum with my kids. Not even for an hour.

MatildaTheCat · 24/08/2017 09:41

You say your mother has no MH issues but she obviously does have some sort of mental block regarding hygiene. I'm a bit baffled as to why you left the cub uniform in her charge knowing the back story you describe. Also baffled why you promote the level of contact given their lack of engagement.

No reason to go NC now, she hasn't done anything new wrong, you've just seen further evidence of her bizarre behaviour. Take over all hygiene ( does she cook for your child?) and restrict visits to your own home or an activity. Never allow your child to stay again...that's by far the worst aspect of the sorry story.

dustarr73 · 24/08/2017 09:41

Bluntness100

I don't really understand. Why has she got Xmas dinner down her top. It's August?

The gran never washed the shirt from when it happened at Christmas.

I think you have to go nc.That is appalling behaviour.Theres no way my DC would ever set foot in their house again.

AfunaMbatata · 24/08/2017 09:42

Did the club or school not mention she was dirty?

I'd have them to visit at your house only.

Booboobooboo84 · 24/08/2017 09:42

That's disgusting your poor dc. Your parents are definitely in denial, I would put a stop to access immediately. Maybe a short sharp shock will make them see what's wrong

Only1scoop · 24/08/2017 09:42

You know what she's like so why are you shocked.

I wouldn't have them do any childcare again which involves them staying with them etc.

CiderwithBuda · 24/08/2017 09:42

But you know what your mum is like? Why would she be any different now?

Don't rely on her.

Davros · 24/08/2017 09:44

My parents were the same. My mum was a lazy cow who thought she was Queen Bee. I don't think it was as bad as your home because my dad managed to keep on top of it and she did what was necessary but in reality it was the bare minimum. It would be a bit harsh on your dad to cut off contact wouldn't it? I think you should keep the contact going but not in their home and make other arrangements.

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Hercules12 · 24/08/2017 09:44

It does seem a little odd you expect them to do regular laundry or have I misread your post?

TiredMumToTwo · 24/08/2017 09:44

It is obvious you can't rely on them so stop doing it. You need to take responsibility for you child's activities and making sure they're dressed appropriately as your parents won't. I'd stop using them for child care.

Justgivemesomepeace · 24/08/2017 09:45

Don't let them look after your children overnight? Just visit them for a few hours here and there. I don't really understand why they are doing so much childcare when they clearly don't look after them? There's no reason to cut contact in my eyes. So they're scruffy dirty people- it doesn't make them bad people. Just not the kind of people or environment you should be using as childcare. You know what they're like, I don't understand why you are putting your children in that situation and expecting them to be different than they ever were before. Just go for visits.

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