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AIBU?

DH dislikes DM and is rude to her

174 replies

whattodo9 · 23/08/2017 17:13

I've never posted before but am really sad about the situation at home. My DH used to get along so well with my DM until my DS was born 5 years ago. Suddenly, DH became resentful of my DM , saying that she tries to interfere and feels she has a say in how our son is raised, is manipulative and plays on my emotions. DM helps with childcare as we both work full time so she was looking after DS 3 days per week at our house and now he is at school, she does the school run and collects him 3 times per week. I understand that this might be too much for DH as he feels that he lacks privacy in our house and she is there too much but she has done us a massive favour over the years looking after DS ( at our mutual request)and so of course she is close to DS . DH gets upset if she makes any small comment or suggestion regarding our son ( which is rare, she never imposes her view) and I try to tell him that most grandparents do make comments now and again. if you don't like it just ignore it, don't get upset. She does not spoil our son but if they have a day out and she buys him a small present, my DH gets upset and says she should ask permission before buying a toy. Recently he became upset as he was telling our son off during diner and my DM said ( "just let the child eat then you can tell him off"), he shouted at her about telling him what to do in his own house and stormed out and he now wants nothing to do with her. The next day he completely ignored her and she was in tears because she felt so uncomfortable. Since then he has literally said "Hi" and "bye" to her. He says he does not like her and has nothing to say to her. If he sees her in public, he will not speak to her and will make an effort to speak to strangers instead. I have told him how much this is upsetting me and every argument we have is usually because of discussions based on his behaviour to my DM ( this is just the latest incident in a string of unpleasant situations over the years). His parents are not alive, we see his siblings very rarely and he never knew his grandparents. I try to tell myself he does not know any better but I am very close to my DM , she is the only close family I have apart from my DH and DS so this rift is really upsetting me. I always thought that when I married someone, they would treat my DM like part of the family but he really makes his dislike known. She is single and DS is her only grandchild so she does dote on him. The worst part is that my DM continues to be so nice to him, cooking meals for him, asking me about his wellbeing, babysitting for us if we have a date night etc. without realising what a di*k he is being. I obviously do not tell her all he says as I don't want to upset her. I feel he is happy to take advantage of her helping with childcare when it suits him but he treats her worse than you would treat a stranger. Is this normal? We've been together for 15 years so I know how stubborn he is, no matter how much I speak to him about this, once he makes up his mind, he does not change. I was raised to treat everyone who comes to your house well and to be polite , speak to them and be civil. He believes it is his house and he does not need to say hello or make any conversation if she is there as he sees her so often. It's so awkward and really making me dislike him and affecting our relationship although he does not realise this. I am always so nice to his family and cannot comprehend how someone can behave so disrespectfully to his elder and also someone who has not done anything to him and has only tried to help him whenever he needed it. She has treated him like a son and he just shows such disrespect, it makes me cringe. Just wanted to get some opinions. Apologies for the long post, it's been building up for a while.

OP posts:
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DressedCrab · 23/08/2017 17:15

In your place I'd pack and move in with my mother. He's a controlling prick. Leave him.

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Ropsleybunny · 23/08/2017 17:15

Your DM has been amazing. Your DH is being an arse. Tell him that you are seriously considering divorcing him over this. Give him a chance then see a solicitor.

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CosmicPineapple · 23/08/2017 17:16

He sounds awful.
I could not be with somebody like that.
Sorry OP no real advice to give.

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Ropsleybunny · 23/08/2017 17:16

If things don't improve. He sounds awful.

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PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 23/08/2017 17:18

The problem is is that she has become a sort of 3rd parent in all this. She spends a great deal of time with your DD.
Maybe you all need to discuss boundaries. Your DH was ok to use her as free child care (and still does) but she is expected to keep quiet?
If he is that bothered then he needs to go pick your DC up from work and allow your mum to have a 'normal' relationship with her GC

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gingergenius · 23/08/2017 17:18

Your poor Mum. I've had similar. It didn't end well. For DP. Such shitty behaviour.
He's jealous and he needs to get a grip.

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FuzzyOwl · 23/08/2017 17:18

I think he is showing his true colours now and they would not be compatible with the kind of person I would want to be married to or see a future with. I, too, would leave him.

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RatherBeRiding · 23/08/2017 17:19

He sounds seriously controlling, and from your post I really can't see that your DM has done anything wrong.

Your OH is more than happy to use her for free childcare, but then is appallingly rude to her.

Be very clear to him that his behaviour is affecting your relationship and see how he reacts. It might be a wake-up call for him, or it might indicate that you do seriously need to consider your future with him.

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Nocabbageinmyeye · 23/08/2017 17:22

God what a prick! Absolutely not normal, he is a user, a leech, he'll happily take take take from her but doesn't have a civil tongue in his head, no way would I put up with that shit.

Your mother was wrong in the dinner incident but as an adult he should have handled calmly and forgotten about it.

You need to tell him that you actually are growing to dislike him, you can't stay married to someone you do not like

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Mrsdraper1 · 23/08/2017 17:22

YANBU, he is however B very U.
This is not normal behaviour and frankly he sounds pretty scary.

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Bosabosa · 23/08/2017 17:23

Awful behaviour . Absolutely terrible. Tell him how bad it is making you feel and if he can't be decent to someone who is one of his son's only relatives and in fact by his treatment makes her a skivvy, you are not sure you can continue in the relationship.
What is all this 'in my house' rubbish?
Not an excuse to be cruel.
Good luck OP

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FuckYouLinda · 23/08/2017 17:24

Yeah, pack and move in with your mother - she sounds more of a co-parent than the one supposed to be doing the job.

If he hates her that much he wouldn't want her doing childcare and would be pushing you to put your DC in nursery. But he's smart enough to know she's doing him a MASSIVE favour in terms of flexibility and saving him a fortune. So he's full of shit basically.

What he wants is a silent subservient unpaid slave who'll defer to The Man of The House in All Things. That's not how childminding or families work. He can either suck it up and accept her help, or find and fund childcare elsewhere.

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NotAgainYoda · 23/08/2017 17:27

This is very sad.

Your mum sounds very kind.

Does she say anything about him? She must sense what his real attitude is? If so, she's doing very well to keep her counsel and stick by to support you

It's striking that you say it's affecting you and yet he does not know it. This suggests that you are in the habit of having to hide how you really feel for fear of angering him. Not a good sign in itself

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FrancisCrawford · 23/08/2017 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrancisCrawford · 23/08/2017 17:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thethoughtfox · 23/08/2017 17:34

You called it: your husband is being a dick. If he doesn't feel comfortable with her supporting you both raising your children, he will need to pay for and organise alternative childcare. Could you try telling him that his feelings are important to you so you are prepared to consider alternative childcare and get him to research and price it? You might find he starts to value her contribution a bit more...

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roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 23/08/2017 17:39

I know your Mum has helped out but the lack of privacy thing would do my head in. If she is there a lot and he is finding it difficult I can see that things would begin to grate. I'm not excusing his behaviour but is there anyway you could cut down the amount of time she is there when he is. My granny used to look after us when we were wee but she always made sure than when my parents came home she left so that this sort of situation didn't arise. Didn't mean she felt used. My Dm looks after my nephews and she hardly ever sticks around because she knows that the parents like to decompress after working all day.

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BoneyBackJefferson · 23/08/2017 17:40

At the risk of upsetting the majority.

Does she undermine him often?
Or is this the first time?

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ElspethFlashman · 23/08/2017 17:43

He wouldn't treat a dog like that. What kind of man acts like this?

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comedycentral · 23/08/2017 17:47

What a horrible man. I am sorry OP but I couldn't be with someone who treated my mother like this for no good reason.

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SomethingOnce · 23/08/2017 17:52

My mother plays a similar part in our family and it's wonderful for us all.

If DH ever disrespected her in this way (which I'm pretty sure he never would, fwiw) I'd be fucking livid and would seriously be reconsidering my options.

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HeebieJeebies456 · 23/08/2017 17:53

she does the school run and collects him 3 times per week

So why doesn't he take on this responsibility then if he feels she's around too much?
Your mum's help continues to enable him to work full time and save on childcare fees!
He doesn't think he owes her any thanks for that?
Or the free childcare?

Also, he was at work when your mum was doing the childcare in your home, so how exactly was she in his face all the time?

It's obvious he's bitter and jealous about the relationship YOU have with your mum, and also the relationship your dc has with his grandmother.
He's obviously got unresolved issues and a lot of anger about his own childhood/upbringing....and he's projecting it onto you and dc.

By the way - it's YOUR and DC's house/home as well - not just his.
So if he had any respect for you he would be civil to your mum when she comes around.

He's always going to find some excuse to use and abuse your mum, OP.
He will continue to be abusive towards you as well, his ego is too big and he's emotionally too immature

I couldn't spend a lifetime with someone like that.

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whattodo9 · 23/08/2017 17:53

Thank you all so much for your support. If I did not have DS I would have left already but I don't have any other relatives ( all passed away or in other countries) so already feel DS has a limited family. I would hate to break up our household as I feel he needs his dad. My DM does not think it is normal but carries on supporting me and never says anything about DH or to him about his behaviour. Maybe it would be better if she did react and tell him where to go but she would not do that as it is not her manner. DH is very attentive to me and for the most part we have a good relationship but this is the one thing we argue about. Sadly, it's a big issue for me and it only came about when DS was born so I do feel he is jealous of DM's involvement. However, she is doing us the favour, not the other way around.

OP posts:
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Littlefish · 23/08/2017 17:54

I agree with Round that the lack of privacy would do my head in.

Obviously, he is behaving incredibly badly and owes her a massive apology.

That said, I think I would consider changing the arrangements so that your ds goes back to your mum's. This would give you the opportunity to see if things improve. If they don't, then it's just that your dh is a nasty controlling man.

It can't be good for you ds to be around all this tension.

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BabsGanoush · 23/08/2017 17:58

Your DH is massively in the wrong but I wonder if he feels she is the third person in the relationship.

Is your mum always at your house in the mornings, when he comes in from work, always joining you for meals, (as you have said) raising your child?

As for advice, I think you need to reset the boundaries and make you and your DH the primary carers, in your home, and give your DH space.

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