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To want to take my son to this event?

(437 Posts)
ShadeOfRed Wed 23-Aug-17 16:39:21

Ive name changed incase this is identifiable.

I have a 9yo DS. His dad and I split up when he was 6 months old, and he has been with his now wife since DS was 1. We all get on fairly well.

About 4 years ago, my son's stepmum started taking him to a martial arts class on a weekly basis. She also started having lessons herself so she could help him practice, which I obviously appreciate. I have never really been involved with it because it has very much been their 'thing' with DS and has always been done on their time with him. His stepmum takes him to 2 lessons a week and also practices at home with him. I should add that they have paid for all of this (I'm guessing actually his stepmum pays as she is the high earner).

Anyway, a few years later and it turns our DS is VERY good at this and has been invited to take place in a sort of showcase/tournament overseas in a city I have always wanted to visit. The event is on a weekend that DS is with me and my husband so I want us to take him and make a bit of a holiday out of it. We would also take my two younger daughters (who I have had with my current DH) and my mum who can babysit them when we watch the event.

When my ex told me the dates I said I would get back to him to let him know if we could swap weekends, and I have now let him know that actually DH and I will be taking DS. He has gotten really upset about it (apparently his wife, my son's stepmum, is in tears) as they wanted to be there to cheer him on. There are only 2 tickets allocated per child so we can't all go, and as well as we all get on I really wouldn't want to spend a whole 3 day even with them.

I honestly don't think I am doing anything wrong as it is my weekend with my DS and I am not obliged to swap. He has never competed in an event like this before and I think it's important for him to see his mum in the crowd cheering him on! But I mentioned this to my sister and she seems to think IABU and she has made me doubt myself. Should I be letting his dad and stepmum take him?

thekillers Wed 23-Aug-17 16:41:32

I think that this is their things and not yours so step away gracefully.

Shoxfordian Wed 23-Aug-17 16:41:43

Seems like it's a thing he does with his stepmother and I think you're being a bit mean to say you want to take him instead.

ImperialBlether Wed 23-Aug-17 16:43:03

I think you should let them take him. They've done all the hard work - you can't just turn up and watch.

hesterton Wed 23-Aug-17 16:43:14

That's not on. You will be taking all the glory when they have done the hard worm and paid for it. You really do need to let thwm take him.

ShadeOfRed Wed 23-Aug-17 16:44:08

But he already sees that they support him in this, surely now it's important for him to see his mum supporting him too?

newmumwithquestions Wed 23-Aug-17 16:44:10

I understand that you want to go with the best of intentions - to support your son. However I think YABU. His step mum has obviously put a lot of time, effort (and potentially money) into developing a hobby that they can do - I think its lovely that she's made the effort to develop a common interest.
In this case I think you should step aside. Sorry.

Sirzy Wed 23-Aug-17 16:44:30

I can understand why his Dad and Step Mum are upset.

Mama234 Wed 23-Aug-17 16:44:47

I think yabvu, and mean.
She sounds like a fabulous stepmother.

Booboobooboo84 Wed 23-Aug-17 16:44:51

I think this is one of those events where you need to take it in turns to attend. Maybe you and dsm can be the two in the crowd for him for the first event and then take it in turns.

Or maybe someone independent could ask your ds, just a simple question if there's 2 tickets and 4 people who want to go. And you all agree to honour whatever he decides.

I think this has clearly been a positive thing between him and his dsm and you are being a bit u. I think if your honest it's more important to you to be int he crowd to show your proud rather than for your son to see you in the crowd.

hesterton Wed 23-Aug-17 16:44:53

Honest, you really have got this wrong.

DancesWithOtters Wed 23-Aug-17 16:45:25

Kindly, I think you should let them take him. They've invested a lot of time and money helping him with this hobby and I think they should be there to see him.

Perhaps you could arrange a mini-break to this city separately at another time.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Wed 23-Aug-17 16:45:27

Yes, I can see why they are upset. This is really quite mean of you.

Coloursthatweremyjoy Wed 23-Aug-17 16:45:34

As gently as possible...YABU. As you said it has been very much their thing. Look at it this way, how upset would you be if you got DS into something, invested money, time and effort into helping him become really proficient at it then he gets into a showcase/competition and you don't get to be the one cheering him on...you don't even get to see him...

I'd be gutted. No you're not obligated to change weekends but it would be the right thing to do.

ineedamoreadultieradult Wed 23-Aug-17 16:46:33

I think he would like his stepmum who has been there at every lesson and practice there to cheer him on actually not his mum who hasn't been involved in the sport at all. You could still go as it is a city you want to visit and meet up on evenings etc to share in the excitement. You are actually being very unreasonable.

Glumglowworm Wed 23-Aug-17 16:46:37

YABU. This is their thing with him, you're just muscling in on it now because it's in a city you want to visit and he's become successful at it. They've put in the boring hours of practice and driving to lessons, they get the glory side of going to big events as well.

PotteringAlong Wed 23-Aug-17 16:46:39

You're in the wrong here. If you want to go it needs to be you and stepmum who go.

Postmanpatisarubbishpostman Wed 23-Aug-17 16:46:40

Sorry but I think his step mum should take him.

Booboobooboo84 Wed 23-Aug-17 16:47:08

Or why don't all of you go and take it in turns to attend different events. You can stay in separate hotels and ds can take turns to stay with you. And then you get to see the city you really want to visit too. And ds goes into the competition chuffed that his whole family has turned out to see him

LurkingQuietly Wed 23-Aug-17 16:47:43

Sorry, OP. You're wrong on this one. Step away graciously and be the bigger person. Book a city break another time.

Deemail Wed 23-Aug-17 16:48:10

You are been very unreasonable and selfish.

AlmostAJillSandwich Wed 23-Aug-17 16:48:45

I think you're absolutely unreasonable. You have never had any interest or taken part in his sport, it has always been his step mum. she signed him up, signed herself up, has helped teach him, has paid for it all, SHE should be the one there, with the genuine interest and having put all the work and money in to it, to cheer him on.

It is incredibly selfish of you to take this away from her "because it's my weekend and i want to go to this city it's in".
If she hadn't put all this work and money in to getting him to the level hes at, being the one he practices with etc, NOBODY would be going on a jolly.

NeonFlower Wed 23-Aug-17 16:49:07

You have presented the information very honestly in your post. I agree that you need to gracefully concede this one. Tell your son you would really love to be there, but this time it will be for his Dad and step mum, maybe next big event you could take him.

unfortunateevents Wed 23-Aug-17 16:50:13

YABVU. Your DS's Dad and stepmum introduced him to this sport, have paid for it for four years, his stepmum has taken the sport up specifically so she can practice with him and now you think you can swan in and enjoy the glory from his international trip! I really hope this is a reverse ....

hesterton Wed 23-Aug-17 16:51:52

I wondered if it was a reverse. If you are the stepmum - that is so tough and unfair. I do feel for you.

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