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AIBU?

To think this isn't okay?

7 replies

EmmaD89 · 23/08/2017 09:52

To cut a very long story short, 3 years ago my son (then 6) started displaying sexual and violent behaviour whilst at school, consistent with a sexual attack. I went to the police and children's services because that's what you do when you think someone has sexually assaulted your 6 year old, and other a few months they concluded that he had simply seen something sexual whilst on a school trip and had been copying what he'd seen, and between his age/understanding and some then-undiagnosed ASC, he was being pushy about acting it out, doing so with several other children whether they wanted to or not. You'd think this is where it ends - oh no.

A few months into this investigation, I fell pregnant with my daughter. I had suffered badly from depression after having DS, so I engaged with all of the professionals during my pregnancy to help make sure I didn't nosedive again. No services were actually offered an my health deteriorated until I paid to go private. No assistance was offered to/regarding my son, and his ASC meant that he needed constant supervision, as did my then-infant daughter, which I couldn't provide by myself. My son went to live with his grandparents, who could meet his needs better, and CPS' response was to breath a sigh of relief because now, the problem has left their jurisdiction.

You'd think it would end THERE, but not yet. During my pregnancy I had neglected the housework and the house had become cluttered. CPS made it clear that it needed to be sorted before DD started crawling. It was, so CPS stuck around to make sure it didn't deteriorate. My mental health was fine, but they wanted to stick around to make sure that didn't deteriorate, either. Finally, my DD's father and I weren't getting along too well (no violence, no police, we just weren't getting along) so they stuck around to make sure that didn't get worse. This was in October 2015.

Well, they're still here, still "making sure things don't deteriorate." To make it clear, no harm has been done to either child, my home has been acceptable by CPS's standards since October 2015, my DD's father and I have been civil since before then and have been good friends for about a year now, and my mental health has been steadily improving since early 2016 and I've had a completely clean bill of mental health since October 2016. In short, no professional agency has any concerns about me and my family - CPS are, by their own admission, just keeping an eye on things to make sure they don't deteriorate.

A manager in January 2017 made it clear that they couldn't do that indefinitely and by March they needed to either charge us with something or take DD off of the CP plan. This was delayed until May, when a different manager agreed that she needed to come off the of the CP plan and that at this point they were bordering on violation of human rights (to a private home life). He removed DD from the CP plan and stepped her down to a CIN plan, which is normal, with the goal of reviewing after 3 months (earlier this month) to take her off of the CIN plan.

In short, the meeting didn't happen because the only professionals involved in our case are the health visitor and the social worker, and the HV couldn't go. HV and CW had seen each other at my house a few days earlier and so decided to count that as the CIN review, and that they would come together after another 3 months to review it properly. I asked my CW to explain this decision, specifically who had made the choice to extend it for a further 3 months and on what grounds, and in nearly 3 weeks she hasn't answered me - she's responded many times trying to change the subject, and she's promised to bring it for review in early September rather than leaving it another three months, but she still won't tell me how the choice was initially made, or by whom.

Now my problem is nsm that I want my case handled differently - I know I'll be shot of them in little over a week and I don't expect anyone to go back in time and change things. However, there has been a lot of misconduct and bullying from Children's Services over the last 3 years, and a lot of stigma against me for the fact that they were ever involved in the first place, let alone that they've been involved for so long. I don't want to get anyone in trouble, I don't want to stop my feet and get compensation or whatever, but.... you know how they tell you that you should report abusive partners, because if you don't they'll just do it to someone else? That. I can't sit in good conscience and accept what they've done to me, knowing they're doing it to other people and will continue to do it. How can I bring these issues to light, or at least sleep a bit better at night because I tried?

Again this is a shortened and simplified version of the story, there's an awful lot cut out so if anything don't make sense then I apologize, I've done my best to convey the issue without writing a novel.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 23/08/2017 09:58

I'm sorry you've had a tough time but I think you're looking back with a rose tinted view. Social services don't get involved because the house is a bit messy or you've had a few arguments with your partner. They're there to help people who don't always recognise that they need help or want to have it so they've got to be a bit pushy.

If you think there's been misconduct you'd be right to report it but I wonder what the other side of the story would be.

EmmaD89 · 23/08/2017 10:03

I get what you're saying @PurpleDaisies and I agree - that's not why they got involved, they got involved because I called them and told them I thought my 6 year old son had been sexually assaulted. That's a pretty good reason for CPS to get involved, I'm not disputing that. But that was in October 2014, and I have a big ole stack of action plans from March 2016 onwards saying "everything's fine, we're just making sure it doesn't get worse" you know? Oct 14 to Oct 15 was stuff with my son, that's fine and a totally legit reason for them to be around, and Oct 15 to Mar 16 was a family placement breakdown (my son going to his grandparents and DD's father moving out) so I get that they'll stick around for that, but from Mar 16 to Aug 17, there's been no new issues. I'm going from the action plans and CW reports from the review meetings, not just my own recollections (I'm a psych, I know how fallible memory can be xD )

OP posts:
Neutrogena · 23/08/2017 10:08

Good luck OP.
While you may not agree, I am glad that SS are on cases like these.
I'm sure you'd never intentionally harm your children, but this story has mental health problems, sexual assault concerns, children not living with parents, a seemingly dysfunctional home, etc
No wonder they are keeping an eye out.
Do a good job of being a parent and they'll soon bngger off! Smile

SaucyJack · 23/08/2017 10:11

I'm sorry you're not happy with the treatment you've received, but objectively speaking you've mentioned a number of serious issues that would warrant ongoing involvement to a person looking in.

I hope you can make peace with your past, and look forward to a brighter future.

Daffodils07 · 23/08/2017 10:11

Really sorry this is happening, I think you need to go higher up.
Make sure you email or write letters (recorded delivery and make copys).
Problem with verbal communication is that things can get twisted, or one person says one thing but not actually commit to it and then say it was never said etc etc.
I have never had ss involved but ive had other agencies involved due to disabled son and things have been twisted and wrote on reports wrong.

EmmaD89 · 23/08/2017 10:49

Thank you for the feedback, Daffodils07 :) I already tried but the issue with that is that the SW I have right now is the one who gets the flack for it, which doesn't address the bigger issue and it's not the current SW's fault. It feels like shouting at the checkout girl because you don't like the store, you know?

OP posts:
EmmaD89 · 23/08/2017 10:52

Sorry @Daffodils07 I hit post too soon xD I wanted to add thank you for the support, regardless - it's never easy to reach out for support and advice and be told it's your fault, so thank you for being the one to assume maybe I'm not simply mistaken.

OP posts:
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